My mom (74) has changed over the past year. She's always been controlling but she's taken life to a whole different level. She's argumentative, yells, shakes her finger in faces, believes her own 'reality' of past events. She accuses us of lying and betraying her- using her for financial gain -- NONE of this is true. She cut ties with us- changed her will and POA. She has put me and my children thru HELL (I'm an only child). Nonstop bashing of me on Facebook, reaching out to people she hasn't spoken to in YEARS to tell them how horrible me and my grown children are treating her. She took me off her HIPPA, so now her dr. won't talk to me. She called the police on me for helping my son gather his things at her house (she told him to get his S$%T out of her house). I could have lost my certification and job over this. She told the police I came over to start trouble and refused to leave- she didn't even know I was outside and had been there for over an hour. I never said a word to her. After she disowned all of us and we are trying to heal--she decides to reach out, but still saying that this is all our fault and she's ashamed of us.
We have decided to not respond because I told her we have boundaries and she will NOT cross them anymore- ever! I promised my dad 3 years ago before he passed that I would take care of the family and now I feel so guilty because she sits in her house all alone every.single.day -- unless a neighbor comes by.
BUT..... she is perfectly normal to her neighbors and others. I'm baffled?? How can someone so bat-sh*T crazy flip and act completely sane toward others? Everyone in her neighborhood feels sorry for her being treated so terribly by her family!!
Are you familiar with the concept of " showtiming"? That's what your mom is doing in front of others. She can hold it together for short periods of time.
It sounds like mom is paranoid and delusional. Is this a new condition, or has her thinking always been skewed? Has she been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist for these mental health changes?
You are no longer on HIPAA, but if you have her PCP's name, you can and should provide her/him with a brief account of your mother's mental health changes. S/he can decide if there is action to be taken.
PROTECT yourself and your children from your mother's craziness. Trying to intervene is only going to delay her getting the help she needs. If the neighbors call telling you about problems, ask them to call Adult Protective Services.
If she has been formally diagnosed she can no longer change her will or POA as she is not of "sound mind" if her lawyer does not know of the diagnosis she or he should be informed.
If she has changed POA sins her diagnosis it is not valid and someone, I would think whoever had been appointed POA to begin with should step in and petition for Guardianship.
The personality changes can be due to the dementia. It can also be due to other medical conditions.
With the diagnosis of dementia she should not be living alone.
So, if you did still have legal authority for her, how to proceed? If I were in your position I would invest in a consult with an elder law attorney for her state. You need to know how to find out for a fact if she's assigned someone else as PoA. Talk is cheap and I can't tell you how many times my LOs have threatened to cut people out of their wills but never got around to actually doing it legally. Again, this only matters if you chose to act as her PoA, if you still are. Her defaming you on a digital public forum like FB can also be discussed with the lawyer so that it can be shut down.
The real question is: if it turns out you are still her DPoA, what, if anything, would she need you to do right now? She's nasty and uncooperative but still seems able to perform her ADLs. But maybe not. If you legally gained access into her home and it wasn't in shambles...then what? I would think the goal is to get in place the legal and medical framework to make protecting her and managing her affairs easier *in the future* as it comes up. Is there any necessary intervention needed now? Again, I think an attorney consult would help give form to if and when to act, and have an overall plan. Wishing you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you make decisions.
I know from personal experience and it is frustrating.
As said, everything you described is someone who is suffering from a Dementia. People should never promise. You cannot control other people. Your Mom needs a full work up. Labs and a Neurologist. She needs medication to help with the paranoia. You may just have to wait till a crisis happens. Then while she is inbthe Hospital have her evaluated then. A rehab even better. If found she needs 24/7 care they cannot release her if there is no one to do that care. And please, do not try to do it yourself. It takes a villiage to care for someone like your Mom.