My sister and I were estranged from my mother for 10 yrs. (My sister still won’t speak to her)
I received many calls from APS that she was not safe to live alone. She fell and ended up in SNF. She refused PT, never left bed and had bad UTI. SNF social worker hired notary for me to gain DPOA for finances and health. My mother begged me to move her across the country to be closer to family that she broke ties with 15 yrs ago. I found her a beautiful AL that accepts her SS and pension (All but $80/mo) 24hr nurse/staff/3 meals a day/laundry and cleaning. Very large apt. From day 1 she hates it there. She has never given it a chance. She stayed in her apt 24/7 Jan and Feb then the lockdown happened.
She has been begging me for past 4 yrs to move her “home” and has threatened me that she will show up and my front door.
She does not have any assets. She only has her SS/pension income.
People were taking advantage of her finances across the country (paying their bills from auto pay and bill pay) from her account. Withdrawing cash from ATM that she gave ATM card access. People (neighbors she depended on for assistance)
She has always had a very bad temper, bipolar and narcissistic. Physically, emotionally and mentally abused all 4 of us kids. I have lost 2 siblings at young ages. I am the ONLY relative she has access to. No one wants to visit her or even call her because she is so nasty and negative.
My husband encouraged me not to bring her back because of the lifetime abuse. He said she does not deserve my help. When SNF and rehab/nursing home said they will place her in Medicaid bed and move her to group home in 6 weeks after her Medicare days ran out. I felt so badly that they will take over her pension and SS that I moved her across the country. She lives an hr away.
I now realize why I was estranged from her to raise my 3 children safely from her harm. She is mean, ungrateful, selfish, and demanding. I have met every one of her demands for past 7 mos. I cannot take much more. She now wants me to move her again and says she is calling a lawyer to cancel POA. Any advice for me?
She has some short term memory loss. Neurology wants MRI done. But, she refuses to go to hospital for fear of Covid 19.
Should I contact elder care attorney to remove myself from her completely?
She is effecting my mental health.
thank you in advance
Yes, you can revoke your POA. Mom cam assign someone else. If she wants to move, she can do so on her own.
If she threatens to remove you as POA, simply explain to her that you doubt any other family member will be willing to take on the responsibility. Then where will she be?
You HAVE helping her, by moving her into a place where she is safe and cared for. That she doesn't see it that way is not your fault, nor is it your problem.
Forgive me, I read a lot of guilt in your story. Sounds like your mom is an expert at dishing it out. People like her can lay it on in such a subtle way that you (the recipient, as it were) start to feel like EVERYTHING is your fault - you know, the Lindburgh baby kidnapping, the decline of the dollar vs the yen (and I'm kidding here, but I expect you get my point) etc. I wish our bodies could build up antibodies against guilt, it would make life more pleasant.
I know you know this on a conscious level, but you are NOT responsible for her happiness. You are only responsible for yours.
The question to yourself is will you be able to remove her completely from your life without beating yourself up? I would think it would be way better for you all around if you cut this toxic person from your life, but I also understand how insidious guilt can be, and how it affects people. If you think you could do it - walk away completely, then do it. If not, I would not answer her calls more than once per day, and tell her you will hang up is she starts to insult you. If she cuts you off, then that's HER doing, not yours.
You owe it to your hubby, your three kids, and mostly to yourself to be happy and healthy. both physically and mentally! You matter too!
Good luck!
I gave her 1 last chance to try to make the most of her last part of life and wishfully was hoping she would thrive and do well in AL. Hoped she calmed down a bit with age. I was fooled. Funny how she was so nice to me on the phone while in rehab asking me to bring her home. Then her mean beahvior started up days/weeks later. I know people do not change, I know she will never ever change. Your question: "will I be able to remove her from my life without beating myself up" is the main issue for me. I just don't know. I was so relieved and had a good life for 10 years we were estranged. (She was across the country from me). I believe she has dementia and may have had it for quite a while (years) just not sure. Hard to tell if this is just her mean, narcasssitic, controlling personality or is it a stage of dementia where her personality can be magnified? Neurologist will determine some things after MRI imaging is done.
I have some boundaries in place (screen all calls) cannot visit due to Covid regulations in my state. I block her number when she gets really threatening and I will keep it blocked for some time and enjoy my family for the remainder of summer.
Thank you to all of you!
Stay safe and be well!
#BOUNDARIES
You've had a trial run. If she is mentally competent, I would absolutely suggest that you consult with an elder care attorney to remove yourself from any responsibility to her, including POA/HCPOA
What the real issue here is to address your feelings of guilt. You did nothing wrong here; she had a chance to be a good mom and love her kids, and she blew it. Even crappy parents sometimes realize how terrible they were after they get older. Your mom hasn't and never will. It's sad she lived her life like this, but it would be sadder if you let her take you down with her. Stop letting her hurt you. She left a hole in your heart with her evilness, and you'll need to find what will fill that emptiness. Set yourself free!
Let go of the "but it's your mother!" thoughts. She birthed you, but that doesn't a mother make. She didn't mother you. You owe her nothing. Let her go and focus on those who really love you.
I agree - you owe her nothing. You have tried and do not have to do anything. Back away. Run if you can!
And yes, at that point, given she doesn't have dementia, she's on her own; don't do anything for her. She can become a ward of the state when she is not able to care for herself, just as though she doesn't have any children.
Now, if on the other hand she has dementia you can go for conservatorship or guardianship. I wouldn't, but you may well be a better person than I am. I am not big on "blood" driving who I love and who I don't.
I think you say that she has no cash left; that means there is nothing for anyone to rip off from her whether she has a guardian or not.
If you would like to eliminate the threats and everything else in one fell swoop then go to a lawyer and resign as her DPOA, deliver the letter and her account books to her. Let her do as she pleases, and then get yourself a good and rewarding life.
Being POA doesn't mean that you have to be at her beck and call, let the facility earn their money.
If not, I would suggest that you try limiting your assistance to the business aspects of the POA for a while, handle the bills, paperwork, and appointment booking. Work remotely but keep calls brief and end them if she starts up again.
Taking the abuse just wears down your ability to help at all. Only you can tell if it has reached that point already.
An hour away is plenty close enough. Do not let her stay at your house even if appears at your door.