In a nutshell; Ten years ago, my mother took a fall and my sister and I decided that she would either need to live in a nursing home or live with one of us. If you knew my mother, you would know she wouldn't last long in a nursing home. She is in a wheelchair, very shy and frail.
At that time, my sister agreed to let me have the money from mother's mobile home instead of mother going into a nursing home, if I would take care of her. That money allowed me to get out of a bad marriage by putting a payment on a house for mother and myself.
Ten years later, mother is doing well. Everyone acknowledges that I take excellent care of her.
But I have never had a break. My sister refuses to relieve me for even a couple of days. She insists on having the right to come to town every 6 months or so, staying with another family member, visiting a few times for 4 hours or so, but she refuses to spend the night to relieve me.
Mother would never have lasted this long if not for me, my sister acknowledges that. But she insists that it is not her responsibility to ever act as caregiver even for a few days to relieve me.
At this point, I don't want her in my home. Am I forced to allow her into my home to see our mother?
I am depressed and trapped.
You can hire caregivers that will come in and help out.
Your sister made it clear 10 years ago what her boundaries are and she is sticking to them.
If you want a break, caregivers are the answer you will not get your sister to do this.
Mom's funds, if any should be used to pay for the caregivers or for the Respite stay.
If mom is on Hospice Medicare, Medicaid and most insurance will cover a Respite stay.
Good luck.
It is not your sister’s responsibility to “relieve” you. If you assumed the responsibility when your mother needed care, it’s yours.
If you “don’t want her” in your home, find the nicest placement available, near enough to your home, so that you can visit as often as you want to do so, and your sister an do the same.
Your depression and entrapment are not fair to you, but you must make the change. Your mother can’t, and your sister won’t.
Manyof us understand your situation because we have lived it.
I agree with you about elders faring quite well in managed care. In fact, my mother is alive at nearly 95 precisely because she's IN memory care where she's cared for 24/7 by teams of carers and has tons of social interaction.
My Dad was 94 when he moved into senior living, and he loved it there. My Dad was pretty shy so he avoided the "social hour" but he was happy doing the things he liked even if it was being glued to the TV or reading. It was a relief for me, as Dad was a major fall risk, always tumbling over and couldn't get up. He liked being around people of his peer group. More new ears to hear his stories during dinner time in the dining room :)
Caregiving is not a requirement of children. It is the parents responsibility to plan for their own care.
Hire some outside help so that you can regularly get out of the house and spend some time away from your mom.
Let your sister visit. If she comes for 4 hours say that you need to run out to the store so at least you can get out for a short time? But don't try to force her to watch mom if she really doesn't want to. It's OK.
Sister is very selfish is an understatement but, you shouldn't take it out on mom by not letting her visit mom.
I would install cameras in the home where I can watch any time
24 7 from my cell phone, I use Nest Cameras and they are pretty easy to install.
Then I would
Leave the house every time during your sister's 4 hr visit.
I would ask a family member if they could spend a day or evening or spend over night with your mom and see if you could get different family members to volunteer for once a week.
Are. If you can afford it, hire someone to spend the day or night once a week to give you a break.
You should be able to do this
Depending on your mom's needs, you should be able to hire someone for $12 an hour as they don't have to be a Nurse, just more or less an Adult Sitter.
Don't hire thru an Agency because they'll charge you $25 an hour then pay their worker $8-$10.
You can also check at Church, Ask a Nursing Student as they would be able to study while being there for your mom.
You can also check with Mom's Insurance and with a Social Worker with Adult lrotective Services and ask for Free Day Care and Free Re Spite Care I believe it's called which is for a Caregiver to get a break for a few days and nights.
Also, if you dad was in the Military, your mom could get up to 30 hrs a week free care.
Prayers
Put your energy into finding other sources of respite care, whether volunteers from church, or paid home health aides, or temporary respite stays in a facility. Wishing your sister would take a turn will only only leave you feel angry and frustrated.
er failure to plan has put a great burden on us. As of this month we have severed our role in her care and have handed her over to the doctor's and assistive living staff to care for her needs. When you do not plan this is your plan, I'm sorry. Being born does not give you any rights to my life. Out of kindness we are managing her finances to allow her to have the best care possible for her level of money she has. It doesn't matter to her as she is angry, spiteful, manipulative and down right mean. I'm not serving that, sorry for your life choices but that's just it - this was her life choices!
Have you talked to her about helping out in other ways? You don't want sister in your home. Why? Because of your resentful feelings? Could it be sister's home isn't set up for your mom? Does sister have other obligations that prevents her from taking your mom? I think you're very lucky that she does help you by giving you a chance to get out now and again for 4hrs.
So.. with all said, you've got to face the fact that you're in this alone. It will be up to you to solve your own problem. Start with your mom's Dr, senior services, friends, neighbors, and other caregivers to help you out. Help is out there. You just need to find it. Depending on sister is a waste of your time when she's made it clear she will not be helping... you're the one who signed up for this job, not your sister. Don't be so hard on her. I have a feeling you are tired and depressed. Don't take it out on others. Solve your own problems and those 4 hrs your sister gives you? Go to a movie, visit friends, have a meal out, get a massage, go for a drive, etc. Take advantage of the help you do get from her and be glad that it's better than nothing at all. I was the caregiver for my mom and had no help until i had to put her in a home. You can do that as well but in your case, I'd sell my home and pay mom back with intrest because she got you out of a jam and she now will need these funds to pay for her care. If not you've got to forge on ahead. Instead of talking smack about duster, I'd be geared fit those 4 hours! Good luck to you and bless your mom for selling her place so that you could pay your bills.
It is up to your mother to decide whether she wants to welcome visits from your sister, and by the way as you point out this is your mother's home too. You certainly ought not to do anything to prevent your sister's visits.
I don't really see that the sale of your mother's mobile home and the use of the money has much to do with it. It wasn't a decision that required your sister's agreement, I hope to goodness that nothing was done without your mother's agreement, and as it was well over five years ago it isn't going to be looked into by Medicaid or anyone else. As far as I can see neither of you two daughters had any business to be making this "pact" about your buying a house in exchange for indefinite bonded caregiving services.
But in the end, none of this matters. Look into respite care or home support so that you do get a break. Do not disrupt your sister's visits to your mother. May you very soon get a good rest and feel better.
It would be nice for your sister to help. Unfortunately, this is not the agreement you set up with her. That is why it might be better to find more people who are willing to care than have anyone's grudging, maybe even resentful, help.
How can they help out without licenses or familial relationship?
> The goal is to get a little time off daily and more weekly.
How do you dare to tell someone who has not had a break in 10 years something like that?
Unfortunately, you made an agreement without being fully aware of the consequences. Not justifying your sisters unwillingness to give you a nights break but, you did get a house out of the deal and the ability to get out of a bad marriage, so she probably feels very justified in not providing caregiving. That was the agreement.
You need to find a way to get respite. Mom can go to an assisted living facility for a week to a month to give you a chance to recharge. Do your research and find a facility that feels like a resort holiday for mom. Make it about her getting a holiday and she will probably be more receptive to going.
I would consult an attorney before telling your sister she can't come see mom in your home that moms money paid for, your sister could retaliate and make a nightmare battle for you. Accusations have to be disproved in the day and age we live in, you don't want to have to deal with that for a four hour visit a couple of times a year.
There are requirements for getting paid by Medicaid, or for getting someone to come in, so you need to get the ball rolling. I don't know how much you have looked into this, but I have learned a lot in the last 3 years. You didn't come here to be beat up with unhelpful opinions. You do deserve a break and obviously your sister isn't going to be that person. Please look elsewhere, for your own good.
As far as letting your sister into your home, that probably needs to depend on what your mom wants, but I can understand where you are coming from. You need help. Most likely your feelings on this will lighten once you get a break and are not under so much pressure. Good luck, I wish the best for you.
If you've already had this conversation with direct questions and responses, you already know her reason why. Remember not everyone is willing to do certain things that you've been doing. It is frustrating, but it won't resolve it. If there is enough money, hire someone for that period of time or see about a respite facility where mom can stay for a week. By all means, if mom has some savings use it for this purpose instead of leaving it as inheritance. That's what the money is for.
If sis is simply not a caregiver - and there's no money to pay for help - then directly ask sis if she can help out financially to pay for some help a few times a year to give you a break.
about your sister ... i think you need to pretend you dont have one. Shes just someone you know from someplace or other.
Furthermore, when I feel like I'm not being heard, I feel very trapped. Like am I not describing my suffering well enough for you to understand? Is that why you're not helping? Do you just not care enough about me? etc. And that trapped feeling in turn makes me feel depressed. That's what you're getting with your sister. She's not hearing you, otherwise she'd help, right? But there's a fundamental impasse in her heart or mind that no reasonable amount of talking will break through.
Just assume you're in it on your own. Look for help instead from others who will help, like respite care.
Moving your mother to AND from respite care might be more than she can handle and there are lingering concerns about the virus (boosters, variants, etc.), so your best bet is to get in-home overnight aids.
But, that doesn't mean there can't be terms.
I agree with the suggestion that the 2nd daughter can come as she pleases, and daughter #1 will leave the house at that time. This effectively gives the caregiver needed respite, and leaves it up to Daughter #2 if she wants to spend time with her mother alone- she isn't being stopped from seeing her mother, she just isn't being accommodated by having someone else do all the work before, during, and after the visit.
I agree with many of the others have said, your sister is toxic and it is best to just write her off. It's really hard to get over the anger and any other negative feelings your sister causes. I wish I had the answer for you. After 11 years I have learned that when I start ruminating about how unfair it is that I am wiping my moms butt while my sister is relaxing on a beach in Hawaii without a care in the world, I just have to physically, out loud tell myself to STOP.
I don't know what your financial situation is, but have you tried calling social services? They may help with free or low cost respite care.
I was told when I didn't have enough family to help babysit, to find more. Nurse told me if not enough *family aunts* - get *paid aunts* ie use daycare or a nanny.
My 2c is If you want to keep your relationship with your sister healthy, accept that she is a separate person & has chosen not to be a caregiver.
Find alternatives as you DO definately deserve a break.
It seems like there was a 'social contract' of sorts to take turns. But tring to enforce it now will go no-where. If your sister has chosen not to be a caregiver - you just cannot make her (by guilt, beg or other).
Please don't get buried under the weight of it all. Dig your way out.