I provided my MIL with a pendant alarm. Had a call from the Alarm company and my husband and I rushed around. I am a qualified nurse and noted immediately that the situation didn't add up. Front Door was unlocked [it never is]/she was propped up on her knees and she had said she had crawled 30 feet from the bedroom......She has done this many times before. We aided her into her seat [middle of Covid!] and then she demanded I take her for her Covid vaccine! She is extremely nasty to her son, my husband, who does EVERYTHING for her to ensure her safety. It's just very unfair. I then do all her shopping and, even then, there's always an issue. I have tried getting her into social groups however, she falls out with everyone who doesn't please her; Dr's/Pharmacy/Postmen/Delivery guys : you name it!
She sent a very vitriolic e mail to my hubby [was meant for her friend], by mistake, after Xmas saying she had thrown the beautiful dinners I had sent round to her , in the bin! A lie as she had texted me to say she had eaten them. She is a narcissistic person and she dislikes us as we won't 'feed' her nastiness. I am at the end of my tether. She has another son who is the Golden child , who lives abroad and isn't around! Just feel so sad for my husband.
Any tips?
She doesn’t like you.
That’s all we know.
"she falls out with everyone who doesn't please her; Dr's/Pharmacy/Postmen/Delivery guys"
Sometimes elders get into difficulties dealing with unfamiliar people - can be many reasons but hearing issues is a big one. Accents, modern phrases make things hard too. Another biggie is memory & processing problems. Anything obvious here?
Then there will come the choice for your DH & yourself. To give more & more, take over all her calls, bills & organisation as her needs increase OR help her arrange alternatives.
Don't like my cooking? No prob. Here is the number for meals on wheels.
Not happy that I didn't collect your groceries, pharmacy items when you wanted? Use their delivery service.
Demanding you or DH drop everything to run her to all her appointments? Taxi service number.
Each time she is not satisfied, step back & suggest something SHE can do for herself. It is often all about control. We all want to choose for ourselves afterall.
I may be way off... worth some thoughts?
Thanks Again
Even knowing more about how cognitive decline manifests, it doesn't make how she treats you feel any less awful, but at least you may be able to compartmentalize it and put it aside in your heart and mind knowing that it's not the real MIL, only her decline "talking". Has she had a cognitive exam? This knowledge may help in deciding about how you approach her care. I wish you peace in your hearts knowing you're doing a noble thing, even if she doesn't appreciate it.
It's a brilliant point you make. Yes, she always has been somewhat vitriolic over the years [30+ years] however, her mantra is 'you don't want to get old.......etc] so aging is exacerbating her natural behaviours. I will explore this option with my husband. I am so grateful!
I do concur though! Recently, when she had said she thought she had a temperature and a cough, I ordered a test for her which she refused then to take. Due to the risks, I offered to help her through the steps via SKYPE. She got angry and hung up the phone and was out at the grocery store the next day............Aaaggghhhh!
This is enough for a whole separate post! A deep deep mine of stuff we can discuss there!
The 'needy' to get attention syndrome.. Is that a thing? Is it cognitive decline mixed with narcissism? Is it a survival mechaisim? It is Vascular Dementia? So fascinating.
However, as my husband and I have discussed, she always resented any of his childhood friends and in early adulthood his peers and colleagues. The brother, her allotted Golden Child went off the rails for many years and she wasn't around when he needed support whereas, my hubby and I were there for him. He's a good guy; just somewhat weak and he panders to her whims[albeit by phone!]
It's incredibly sad that at this point, she can't seem to gain any pleasure from any facet of her life........grandchildren, children, simple pleasures such as fairly good health and an extremely comfortable home!
First, stop jumping every time she snaps her fingers. Beatty was right in her post...don't like my cooking, well here is a list of places that deliver. Didn't pick up the right type of asperin....well the pharmacy will deliver so you can order yourself. If she is able to go to the grocery store herself, why are you going for her?
Both my grandmother and father would create situations that demanded you pay attention to them. They don't care about you or what you have going on in your life, they just want their 'wants' met. You have to figure out what is a true need and what is just a 'I want it now' demand. One time my father called me at work and demanded I come over as he was 'allergic to his bed" and I needed to come right now (I was at work). (His leg was itchy and somehow he determined it was the bed's fault) I put him off for two days and when I got there the whole bed thing was totally forgotten about. If I was going to visit I would ask if he needed anything so I could pick it up on my way there. When I would get there he would add more things to the list and expect me to go back out again.
Second, pull back on the visits. The more you help, the more helpless they act/become. Next time she "falls", call 911. I realize you don't want to make frivolous calls to them, but it could be the only way she learns not to cry wolf. My father on the other hand was a big fan of calling 911 especially after I started refusing to run him to the ER over silly things he needed to go to his GP during normal business hours. I knew that on occasion he would wait until after hours to start complaining about something just so I would take him to the ER. You have to learn to see what is a true emergency over attention-seeking.
Lastly, if she is so mean to your husband he needs to stand up to her and demand she shows him some respect if she really expects him to run to her aid. I will say my father getting nasty with me was few and far between because he knew I would not tolerate that. She gets mean, end the visit right then and there.
My husband is really strong and has told MIL in no uncertain terms that he won't tolerate any more behaviour of this type. She then undertakes a smear campaign/huffs/writes nasty texts, however, this doesn't bother my husband as much as it does me!
She certainly is the biggest 'victim' in the room and, on hindsight, I can see that she has always played these games. In 2019, after a particularly vicious attack on my husband, I went round to discuss and challenge her on her behaviour: to be met with statements such as:
'I gave birth to him, didn't I'
'You always carry tales to him: you shouldn't tell him everything'
'Son before husband......and don't you forget it'
You may wonder why I challenged this and not my hubby; well, on agreement with my husband, he agreed that I didn't, at that time, get as exasperated as he does with her comments. ......... I must say, after that event, I can no longer claim to be the calm one anymore!!!LOL
You're very kind to share your experiences and thoughts on best action: I agree totally
And we suspected him of staging falls as well. He is a very large man (over 300 pounds and over 6 ft tall). His mobility is pretty limited, and decreasing consistently. But, if my BIL and SIL who live there full time and provide his care, left him a sandwich and a drink, they could leave for a couple of hours.(He spends a bare minimum of 15 hours a day in bed "watching" tv (read: Sleeping).
I should mention that he is not a quick pickup. Even with all 4 of us, we cannot get him up and do not feel safe trying to. So EVERY TIME he falls, whomever is there has to call for an ambulance assist. The local first responder/fire station KNOWS him by now. They have one ambulance. We usually have to tell them that he is at least a 3 person assist from the floor and they send a second ambulance.
You get to the point where you can tell the difference. A real fall is awkward and they land uncomfortably and in his case we HEAR it. In the case of what we think are staged falls, he somehow misses all nearby obstacles, lands in a position that he can maintain for an extended period of time if needed, and I have no idea how, but he lands quietly and has to yell for help. AND his phone is always within reach during a staged fall. (That part is important - I have been the first to respond when he really falls and have had to search for his phone and back when batteries were still accessible had to put his phone back together)He wears a fall device but has never pushed the button.
The big one that stands out to me is the 'last' one. Just prior to COVID. My BIL and SIL had come to our house for a quick visit(he cannot get into our home because of the stairs). Less than it would take for them to say SIL go to the grocery store while BIL was at work. He had been fine many times like this before, so there was no reason to suspect he could do otherwise. He IS still mobile, can get himself to the bathroom, has a lift to get downstairs, has walkers everywhere. He just can't say go down and get something to eat for himself. SIL had left him a sandwich and a drink. Within the first 15 minutes they had been here he had already called to say that he was hungry. He was reminded about the sandwich.
30 minutes later he called again, this time he called my DH. He had fallen. IMMEDIATELY SIL and BIL were in the car on the way home. DH and I were on the phone relaying -DH to his dad, me to SIL. When the conversation started, FIL was 'on the floor on his back under the desk'. Which is impossible unless he lay down in the floor. He would have hit his head. He is a turtle on his back. He cannot move. At no point were we not in direct contact talking to him. He was watching tv from the floor. We asked him if he wanted us to call an ambulance. "No just send them home".
At no point did we hear tell tale signs of him moving around (this is important as he sounds like a freight train if he exerts even the slightest movement). They walked in and he was on his stomach facing away from the desk and had somehow gotten the remote from the bed and was changing channels.
But the ambulances still had to be called because they could not get him up. Guess who got a bill for the second ambulance? Guess who has not had a staged fall since? Guess what his first words were......
I'm hungry.
That bill for the second ambulance hit him where he lives, his wallet. He did not like having to pay that. So it seems that we are no longer seeing 'staged' falls now. And he miraculously hasn't had a real one either, but that's just a case of waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Yes, it's a moral and ethical dilemma , for sure. He is a strong man so , with my help, we may be able to strike a balance.
Thanks Again
I would get busy setting some serious boundaries. REFUSE to so her bidding. If she continues to be impossible with the outside world, let her feel the consequences of continually burning all her bridges. Maybe she will learn her lesson when she does not have you and her son to push around.
I would also consider telling him that YOU are done helping with her care and having contact with her. Why should you? It sounds like a situation I would want to run away from, screaming all the way. You can still support him behind the scenes, while eliminating direct contact with her. You do not owe her anything.
Yes, this is the avenue I am pursuing! Great stuff!
Drama Queens just love to operate this way & MIL seems to love the Victim role (oh help I fell!) to gain attention from her chosen Rescuer (your DH). When she doesn't get her way - look out: she swings into attack Persecuter mode.
Not taking on a role forced onto you takes practice. It will be up to you & your DH how much Rescuer role you take on & how much you defer back to her or EMS/others.
Somebody wise on this forum once said something like *when the drama starts, leave the stage. It's safer in the audience*.
As an aside, Beatty, do you know how to change a profile name ? I'd like to alter my profile name and it doesn't give me the choices in settings?
Thanks, you have been so helpful and last night, I actually slept well!!