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You have basically described my mom. She took ambien, trazadone, and tramadol like they were candy. She doctor shopped and her GP was a quack. When I confronted her GP about the pills he prescribed he claimed to not be the one who prescribed them... I think what happened was that she would run out of pills, call the doctors' office and they would call in a refill without checking on anything. She would run out of pills because she took however many she felt like taking. I honestly feel she is the reason my dad died, she killed him plain and simple. After he died, I moved her to independent living and I went every week to fill her meds. I took her to doctors' appointments or had a hired aide drive her and put me on speaker phone. That still did not stop her ability to horde meds and use OTC meds off label, like benadryl. She lived at 3 different IL facilities, moved to an AL facility, and is now in memory care. My advice to you is to remove yourself from being the "pill giver". It won't work, they don't believe that you are giving them the right dose, will manipulate you, will make you miserable. Send her back to her husband, do not allow her to live with you...period... say no. The only saving grace I have with my mom is that she did not live with me. I hope your Al Anon meetings address the addict's ability to manipulate.
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My mother nearly 80 takes her Parkinson’s meds like candy, one of them makes her compulsive as in spending.

No one and nothing can make her stop, everyone including the docs are afraid to stand up to her bc she’s so mean and threatens to sue if they don’t give her the meds.

Seniors are nothing if not manipulative, they lost the influence they once had in the world so they manage to get it another way. I can’t imagine how much harder it would be with pain meds. I’m sure she figures she’s old anyway why stop and suffer bc other folks don’t like it.

She might be falling bc of the new environment too. I’m 55 and take Ambien and pain meds bc of long term heath issues as I’m disability retired. I’m tapering off these meds bc Im clumsy with no meds on a good day and don’t want to add old age to my mix.

If she’s pushing 80 and never realized this she’s not going to change for you, don’t put your future in her hands love.
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Your mother needs more care than you can provide on your own at your house. Her husband is breathing a sigh of relief because I’m sure he was at his wits end. This situation will destroy your marriage and finances, and she will not benefit anyway. Her husband needs to be the one to figure out how long term care will be paid for. You are not going to fix her addiction. She has been living this way for many years. She needs institutional care for her own and your safety.
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Is there any way to do at least a phone conference with her new GP to start with? That way you will have the information on how to get her off of the meds? Unfortunately some medications need to be tapered down instead of being stopped all together. Another thing that you are going to need to do is go thru everything in her room, socks, coat pockets, shoes, open up umbrellas, under the mattress, check under the box spring too (easy to rip small hole in bottom fabric to hide pills), behind dresser drawers, anywhere she can stash them, and lock them up so she can not access them. Monitor packages she receives to ensure she is not ordering online or calling old gp for renewal with a sob story of no new doctor yet. Would new gp be willing to hospitalize her to help detox under the guise of oh,you fell again, I want to do a bunch of tests to see what's happening and what can be done to help you. This may help you twofold, gives you time to go thru everything in the home and she has medical intervention while her body is detoxifying. She is an addict and will find a way to continue, she's been doing it for years and has had time to perfect her game. Sounds like she was the trainwreck and maybe husband just couldn't deal with her anymore because he was tired of her antics, he was burned out by it all? She will not care if YOU sleep at night or if she is hurting you, her addiction takes precedence over everything and everyone.
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I had the same situation with my Mom. After my dad passed away quickly from cancer, even before, she was self medicating with Ambien and Benadryl. She was bouncing into walls when we had to get Dad to the bathroom in the middle of the night. And she'd get up herself and take another pill because she was 'up'. After the Altz diagnosis, we moved her into my house over 7 years ago. I immediately took control of her Ambien and Benadryl and slowly tapered her off of it. She still asks for it occasionally but things are much better. I had a talk with her long-time doctor (who is great) about the situation in advance of an appt and she agreed in front of my mom during that appt that Ambien and Benadryl and "any sleep" aid should be avoided. It has made a huge difference.

I will say that my mom no longer drives so she is not able to go to a new doctor or run to the store to get new meds so my situation might be more manageable.

I am very sorry to hear that her husband wasn't forthcoming in telling you what was going on. He was probably overwhelmed but his intervention and revelation to you earlier could have really helped nip the problem and get her on a better path towards health. (I'm not involved so obviously take my thoughts with a grain of salt.)

I wish you harmony and happiness in your new marriage and know you will make the right decisions for your mom.
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Did your mother’s spouse warn you about the meds she is taking or wasn’t he aware? You state that she wasn’t receiving proper care which is the reason you moved your mother into your home. Maybe he realized that it was futile to try to help her and he just gave up. It might be best to let her succumb to the effects of her self medicating and call 911. When she gets to the hospital, inform them that she’s addicted to meds and that you can no longer care for her as she is a danger to herself. They will be forced to get her into treatment. This is something that you cannot do on your own.
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One question for you. Do you have any brothers or sisters that will help you and your husband out? In my opinion you, your husband and your mother's doctors have tried to stop her. I suggest having a good hard heart to heart talk with her. If that doesn't make her think. You might have to put her in a long term facility that will give her the medication at a certain time and won't let her dose herself.
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We went through benzodiazepine addiction with my MIL. Med seeking, doctor hopping, stashing, the works. She actually lied and said the PA at the clinic said she could double her "nerve pills" for ..... a yeast infection. Yeah, right. She was falling all the time, hallucinating, up all night talking loudly to people who werent there. Benadryl in "sleeping pills" she insisted on having made her MUCH worse.

It all culminated in a week long stay on the psych ward at the hospital, and a recommendation to put her in a nursing home. We couldn't swing that financially, and with my background working in a substance abuse treatment center, I had a hunch the problem was more benzos than dementia.

We took control of her meds, put them in a lockbox, and dispense them ourselves.
We got her cleaned up (and please consult with a pharmacist about tapering off all the psych meds), she is on antidepressants and a low dose of Seroquel, and while she's still a spiteful, bitter, hateful, manipulative person (sorry if that sounds harsh, but she is), she is physically much healthier, sleeping normally for her (she gets her schedule out of whack and rats around all night sometimes), and at least we're only dealing with her, not all her imaginary friends as well.

I would make sure she signs a release (or better yet, a medical POA) for you to consult with her doctor -- one you trust, not a pill miller who thinks old people don't matter -- and make an appointment for YOURSELF, to go without her. Outline everything she's been taking, all her addict behaviors, and develop a Tx plan. It's going to be h*ll, and she may need hospital detox, but be totally honest with the doctor and things may improve.
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wiseowl Oct 2020
Love your down to earth manner and the rye sense of humour which we all need!
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EASWOL, you said your mom was told "no" to refills by her two pain doctors, THEN went behind your back and got them from her GP. What's to keep her from doing that again - over and over again? She will probably think up all kinds of ways to get the meds she wants, because she'll be desperate. My mom was on the verge of a panic attack on the phone with the pharmacy because she wasn't sure they would be delivering her pain pills today as they had promised; it was embarrassing, and very sad. She is 87 and addicted, of course; I'm sure her doctor doesn't think it would be worth traumatizing her with a try for sobriety in the condition she's in now. She has settled on only dispensing 30 days at a time, which just stresses mom; oh well....
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Two meds she should not be taking... Ambein and Benadryl. Sure they might help her sleep better but because she takes them chronically, they could have an accumulative effect on her mental acuity and stabilty, causing her unsteadiness and making her suseptible to falls. The effects of those meds can last well into the following day and cause her instability. If she has some cognitive issues from the falls, the Benadryl has to go. The main ingrediant in Benadryl and most sleep aids is dyphenhydramine, an antihistamine. Studies have shown that this drug, and most any anticholinergic, has a pronounced negative effect on people with dementia or any other cognitive impairment. These two drugs are hurting more than helping her. Trazadone might be a substitute. Ask her dr.
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Sorry you're dealing with this. I had a similar situation with my mom and Ambien abuse. I highly recommend administering the medications to her yourself. She won't be happy about it (I know my mother wasn't) but it's what is best (and safe) for her. Try to make sure she's gone to the bathroom and has done her nightly routine before she takes the medication to avoid her trying to get up and possibly fall. I've had to hide my mom's pain and sleeping medications from her, otherwise she'll administer them to herself and its downhill from there. It's a though situation (when the child becomes the parent) but it's really the only solution other than stopping the medication all together and trying something else. Best of luck to you!
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Take the meds away from her and you dispense them. Even if you have to get a small safe to lock them up. It's very likely she's taken more ambien if they took away other drugs because her body is used to feeling drugged. Same reason illegal drug users will use whatever they can get their hands on to feel drugged.

Take her and all her drugs back to the doctor and tell him what's going on. Then you start the med management. If she doesn't agree, tell her other option is to go to a facility where they will definitely control what she gets and when she gets it. She may require hospitaization to get off some of the drugs. The dr can evaluate how to wean off properly.
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Unfortunately, this sounds like a classic addiction situation. If that is true, just stopping long term use is probably not doable for her. She would probably need the benefit of a drug rehab support system. Also, it’s a very tough journey that can’t be forced well. Pleading and manipulating usually burns up your energy with little results.
Thank goodness the Doctors are starting to see her abuse... if she’s been in recovery before, then hopefully you as her family can appreciate that addiction is a disease (like a cancer). Certainly love (sometimes tough love), balanced with compassion and support are both needed. Frustration and anger adds fuel to the fiery chaos. As her family and caregivers, I hope you would prefer to be or become part of the solution, not part of the problem. Then you can interact in ways that invite her to join you in finding solution.
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EASWOL, you mention below that Mom will be "running out" and will not have access to anything. Addicts will take hand sanitizer or anything else to replace their addiction. You may think you have everything in the house, but that's unlikely.
I am glad you went to Al-Anon, and suggest you keep going.
Remember, for an addict to withdraw abruptly after long use is LIFE THREATENING IN ITSELF.
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I wish that you hadn’t taken her in but that has already happened and you’re caught in the middle of this mess. You showed mercy and unfortunately are now paying the price for it.

My brother was an addict. He died in 2013 due to complications of his drug usage.

I had no choice as a small child but to live with him. As an adult he asked to live at my home. I was already housing my mom but even if I hadn’t been a caregiver to mom I would have told him no.

I told him that he couldn’t live with me. I didn’t have a choice as a child but I certainly did as an adult.

I looked at my little girl that was at home, my other daughter was grown and on her own already. I kept thinking about my daughter and knew that I would never place her in the same situation that I was in as a child.

Plus, I did not want to relive the horror of living with an addict again. I feel your pain. I truly do.

Addicts can’t receive help from others unless they welcome it. Some hit bottom and turn their lives around. Some never do.

Some clean up their act and are doing well, then relapse as in the case of my brother. He even owned a lucrative business at one point. Sadly, he relapsed. An addict has a life long struggle.

An addict’s challenges are very difficult. It isn’t uncommon to relapse and addiction specialists say not to focus on relapses but to keep encouraging them to move forward. I feel for them deeply but we cannot allow their problems to become ours either.

My most important advice is, rehab! They are fighting a disease. Addiction is a disease that needs treatment just like any other disease.

Some people would like to punish someone for an addiction. I am not in that camp. Offer treatment without judgment.

If you are able, please show encouragement and support to her to succeed. Many have succeeded, others as much as they try fail miserably. No one truly wants to be an addict. They have underlying issues.

Sometimes the pain is so deep for the families of addicts that we have to walk away. I had to step away from time to time. I was with my brother at his time of death. I forgave him. He led an interesting life. He was a combination of a loving person who could be a terrific guy at times to a selfish, crazy person that was suffering horribly. It’s complicated for sure.

My lowest point was after helping him in the hospital after a horrific accident. He asked me to go buy heroin for him. I stepped out into the hallway and broke down. A nurse saw me as she was walking by. She asked me to tell her what was wrong. It was hard to tell her but I managed to speak to her. She told me that they were used to treating addicts and they would address it and for me to seek help for myself. She was so compassionate. I will never forget her kindness.

Best wishes to you and your family.
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NeedHelpWithMom Sep 2020
I would like to add to my above posting to educate yourself on the type of addiction. Seek help if you need to. A person can’t just suddenly stop all meds. Stopping suddenly can even cause death in certain circumstances. Be careful. Don’t be hasty with drastic changes.
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She is an addict. Let me repeat that a bit more clearly.
YOUR MOTHER IS AN ADDICT. and has been one for a very long time.
You can not help her. SHE has to make the decision to change.
Before this ruins your marriage, your life send her back to her husband, she is his responsibility to some degree.
If you can get mom to agree to go into a facility to detox and rehab that might be an option. But are you up for "babysitting" her for the rest of her life? And what if she relapses again? Do it all over? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result...
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EASWOL Sep 2020
Thanks for your reply. My mother is an addict. I knew that in my preteens. It's also why I moved out at 15 and got married at 16 so I could get away from her. I've been to al-anon and I know I cannot make her change or make her quit. However, she cannot leave the house because she can't drive and no doctor will giver her these meds again. When she's out, she out. I will be taking her to every appointment, so there will be no more doctor shopping and sweet talking to get pills. I knew this wasn't going to be easy and maybe I made the wrong decision, but it doesn't mean I don't have a choice. I have told her several times I would send her back to her husband over this. She will never agree to go to a facility, but may agree to go back to AA or more likely need NA to get help. I agree it's insanity trying to help an addict and I sure wish I knew about the pills before I moved her in.
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This was a really unfortunate decision, and you will need to reverse it; that won't be easy, but it wasn't easy the first time. Your mother, of course, could easily live another two decades with these addictions. Your marriage is very unlikely to survive that long. The answer to me seems clear. You state your mother has long had addictions. You said she was not getting care from her husband. What care would that be? Now you have moved her to be with you.
My advice would be to move her home ASAP. She is not going to change.
Please go to Al-Anon. You will learn very quickly there that you do not change others; your only choices are for your own life.
Tell your mother that you are very sorry, but that it is not working for you or for your husband to have her in your home.
Wishing you the very best. I am sorry you made these choices, but you did, and only you can address them. Your obligation is to your own life, and to your husband. I am so sorry about the cross country trip, but you did it once and can do it again.
If your Mother's husband doesn't wish to have her back then CWillie's idea of Nursing Home (I doubt Assisted Living would be affordable as you say you are using your money for her, and please stop that; you will need it for yourself) is a good one.
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EASWOL Sep 2020
Thanks for your response. I have been to al-anon and know I cannot change her or make her quit. I also know I need to look out for myself and my husband first in this situation. Thank you for that reminder. As I mentioned in another response, she will be running out and that will be it. She cannot drive and will be taking her to every doctors appointment, so no more pills. I've told her I would send her back because of this because it's serious.
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Prescription drug abuse is why a relative of mine ended up in Assisted Living with medication management, that may be your best option.
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EASWOL Sep 2020
Thanks for your reply. She will be running out after this and won't have anymore. She cannot drive and I will be with her at every doctors appointment, so no more Ambien. It would be easiest to put her in a home, but I don't see that as an option. Just told her I would send her back to her husband over this.
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