My mother is not eating in her nursing home, any suggestions?

Is it a matter of not liking ANY of the meals there, or is she mad about being in the NH?

My grandmother had to go to a rehab for a few months after she broke her hip. It was a nice place, even she admitted that. Food was okay, but not slop either. Even so, she was mad at the whole situation and didn't think she needed the rehab. She refused to eat and of course lost weight. Refused Ensure and the like. Just dug in her heels. I'd watch her nibble on a piece of lettuce for 5 whole minutes, then she'd insist she'd eaten. She was basically on a hunger strike.

Finally her doctor sat next to her bed and asked if she'd like a feeding tube. She of course said "No!". The doctor calmly told her that he couldn't force her to get a tube. Then he told her that if she did not eat, she was going to die sooner than later. That scared her. Guess who ate half her dinner that night?

Of course that is just one possibility; it may be a whole other issue with your mother. If she's drinking the Ensure she's at least getting some nutrients and calories.

Perhaps part of the deal is that refusing food has been forcing you to visit every day. One option might be to get food delivered from a take-out place. See if she eats it – which indicates whether this is really about the quality of the food. Another option might be to make her cold meals that could be kept in a fridge and wouldn’t run into the facility’s rules not to re-heat food. A week of each option could be informative.

As LoopyLoo indicated, many elders are quite capable of ‘games’ to make the NH option ‘unworkable’ for you.

Unfortunately, the quality of the food does depend on the particular facility.

My dad’s facility where he did rehab after his stroke wasn’t very good.

The place where mom did her rehab had good food. Mom’s rehab facility also stored special treats like ice cream in their freezer for her when I brought it for her to enjoy.

You are going to wear yourself out if you keep going there daily to bring your mom food.

Have you discussed this situation thoroughly with staff members in her facility?

The facility that my mom did rehab would allow a person to have a sandwich if they didn’t like the hot meal that was served.

Mom and I didn’t bring food to my dad when we visited. He did manage to eat something off of his plate. If the food would have been absolutely awful, I guess my mom would have considered bringing something to him.

Does your mom’s facility allow her to have snacks in her room? Can you purchase easy nutritional snacks for her to keep in her room? Perhaps, fruit, even canned fruit in single serving containers, peanut butter and crackers, etc.

Since she is eating the food that you bring, she still has an appetite. I don’t know if I would assume that she is trying to be manipulative to get you to visit daily. What do you think?

Margaret’s idea of food delivery is another option that might help.

Talk with the staff about this again and see what feedback you get. Best wishes to you and your mom.

Call meals on Wheels and see if they can deliver food .

Depression?

Your mother only wants home cooked meals like she had her whole life . Facility food is never going to match her expectations . I would try having some take out food delivered a couple of times a week to try it even though you said she never ate take out before. You can’t keep driving back and forth . Since Covid , just about every restaurant prepares food to go now for Door Dash to pick up . Maybe a diner , or a restaurant like the Cracker Barrel that has more home like meals . Also you could order the things she used to eat out in restaurant . Your Mom is going to have to give in to a degree. If you keep bringing food everyday she will not have a reason to try to get used to other food . Bring her a meal you made once a week .

Thanks for the suggestions, I will try them. Never heard of cracker barrel but I will look into it.

To be frank I am not even sure how anyone eats the food where my mom is placed. I feel horrible that I had to place her but options were limited. I guess you get what you pay for.

Even ordering take out will add up. These diease sucks it is like one gaint money sink.

You say that “this was the only facility that had open beds, rest had massive wait lists, unfortunately”. Is the food the only real issue with this facility? If it is, it may be worth making an appointment with admin and pointing out that the poor food is actually harming their business. Food can depend on good cooks just as much as expensive ingredients. Admin probably don’t eat the meals themselves, and may not know that it is a real problem that leads to empty beds.

It’s a challenging thing to do yourself, but it might just be worth it for you as well as for the ‘business’.

She’s playing mind games to “force” you out there. They all complain about the food, it’s inevitable.

Stop going.

Are there condiments that could be added to make the food more palatable?

So many medical diets do not have any seasoning or it's canned and served as is, meaning just plain awful. I would try to find something that can be be shaked on, stored without refrigeration and create an enticing flavor.

Lemon pepper is a versatile seasoning that could be a good starting point, it's good on potatoes, livens up oatmeal, works well on meats and veggies. Just get one that doesn't have salt as it's first ingredient, those are to salty.

Best of luck finding a solution for moms nutrition and your sanity.

I saw in a later post that you could get sushi for your mom- thats a great
idea! If I was in a care home I would LOVE to eat sushi OFTEN!!
Hope its going better for you both, Tashi

I had the same issues with my mother who would only eat for me. She was 30-40 minutes away depending on the time of day and I went twice daily for many months to feed her. You just do what you have to do for her like she did when raising you! If you absolutely can't do that (not just because you don't want to!) and if she's allowed a microwave and a mini-fridge then keep her stocked weekly. Sounds like they won't allow that though. Maybe there are other places that would allow that or have better food and still be affordable for her.

Check if she has menus printed out that she can read. The home I am in has 4 weeks of menus, lots of daily variety along with substitutions. YOU should DEMAND (politely, but firmly) one for the current week and/or for every week cycle they have. Homes rarely give out spices, sauces, etc. Few of us here buy our own to make the food more enjoyable. There is nothing wrong with our food and its preparation, but is flavorless. Do not let the home say she cant have seasonings or spices because of blood pressure. I am on 3 BP meds and because of it I CAN use the spices. You can start by buying her black pepper, cinnamon, onion powder, garlic powder, italian blend seasonings (usually 3-5 dried herbs), salt or salt substitute, etc. Also ketchup, mustard, hot sauce, olive oil (these do not require refrigeration). I practically have a pantry in my part of the room. Think about snacks too. If she is not diabetic, buy her hard candy, lolipops, chocolates, in bags, the "fun size" or "snack size", not full bars.

I wish I could show you my printed menus so you or others could see what is possible, but I dont think you can attach images,

Anyway, if you need more info, let me know.

Sorry you are dealing with this. It is not an easy journey and the nursing home journey part has just started for both of you.

Time does help, some need a lot of time to adjust. Mine maybe got there a bit after nearly 3 years. Sigh.

Talk with the dietician there (they should have one) and see if she can pick her meals for the week upcoming. That helped with my mom. She could choose a hot dog (her favorite food) for dinner every night if she'd eat it.

The advice about condiments is a good one. Assuming no dietary issues (again talk with the dietician) little pkgs of catchup, soy sauce, hot sauce, relish, mustard, lemon, etc can go a long way to "spicing up things" served if she has a favorite or a few favorites. The little pkgs require no refrigeration. Obviously salt and sugar restriction may be an issue, but you can find low sodium or items made w/"fake" sugar.

Check to see if she is having any problems with eating, go, let them bring lunch/dinner and just watch. Again my mom's favorite food was hot dogs but the long ones on a bun were too much for her to handle as she only had the use of one arm. Spaghetti (another favorite food) was too hard for her to manage or a huge sandwich. Solution: pigs in a blanket, small pasta like rigatoni or penne she could manage with a spoon, or just cold cuts rolled up with slices of bread on the side. She was too embarrassed to say she could not use a knife to cut things and things that were too big/long were hard to handle with one hand/arm.....

Rather than brining food daily, switch to once a week as a treat on a Friday if she (the nurses/aides confirmed) she ate 75% of what was provided. Maybe start with 65% and work up. Sadly, somewhat like getting a resistant kid to eat; if there is a treat (my mom's favorite was pizza or chicken tenders) then that might encourage/help her eat more of what they provide.

Find health snacks (again, check w/the dietitian) that do not require refrigeration (dried apricots, real fruit/fruit rollups, tree nuts -- almonds, walnuts). There is a great product which is almond butter (high in protein) with chocolate in individual squeeze pkts -- lots of calories in almonds assuming she likes "peanut butter." Avoid the chocolate if diabetes is a concern. High protein bars. There are other options perhaps she might like that are individually packaged that are high in protein and calories she might like.

And there are Rx meds to discuss with her MD at the NH. They ended up prescribing Mirtazapine/Remeron for my mom. It is both an appetite stimulant AND an anti-depressant. Of course I have NO idea if this specific Rx is something your mom can take; but discuss with her physician at the HR what Rx meds they can consider that might help w/both appetite and depression. Depression is very common and some folks loose interest in most things including eating.

Lastly, does she socialize? If meals can be taken in the dinning hall where there are others, this becomes a social thing and sometimes they will eat more if/when they are with the other "gals" at their favorite table. My mom sadly refused to leave her room in the 3+ years other than for the required shower in the shower room. But she finally did start eating better! Pigs in a blanket for every dinner; but she ate them.....

Food in such institutions is often bland, uncreative, often from frozen, canned, highly processed 'foodstuffs', etc and as others say, like 'lunchroom' food. Hopefully there's a dietician who at least ensures it's nutritionally balanced. Your mom likely is missing 'home cooked' meals AND she is relying on YOU to cater, literally, her meals. She needs to be weaned off your catering. To offset the less than appealing facility meals, bring her treats (not necessarily 'sweet treats', but things she likes or a home cooked meal you can share, a treat in itself if she's not made friends at the facility yet) when you visit On Occaision. I catch lunch with a friend at the local senior center where the food is equally 'lunchroom' (even schools don't often actually COOK anymore, using prepackaged, quick warmup things) and I've realized the meals are mostly a social occaision for seniors in my area, not about the food but the companionship.

Please. As I see it, most of the answers demonstrate a lack compassion and empathy.

Who wants to be a LTC "facility" (aka: warehouse for the elderly; God's waiting room)? I don't. I'd rather die at home starving and in my own filth. Yes, I mean that.

In most "facilities" the food is substandard and the care is substandard. Your mom is just demonstrating that she has higher standards and rather not be there.

If you stop showing up and stop bringing food, you may help her to more quickly exit this existence.

Note 1: Packaged healthy and tasty snacks, fresh fruit, and meals delivered could help.

Note2: Could she live with you, using the P.A.C.E. program? You made no mention of why she is in a nursing home. P.A.C.E. will suffice for many people, bringing the care to one's home.

Her eating / not eating and being in a new 'home' - unfamiliar and being uprooted will often come out in emotional and psychological behaviors - one being depressed / not eating - perhaps "not wanting to live anymore." I do not know how severe this new living situation is affecting her (or her eating behavior). She could 'simply' not like it. I understand that. It is a hit and miss.

What I would do (and did) for my friend-companion:

* Bring her high calorie foods - that she likes: pizza, milkshakes, desserts.
* Sprinkle in some nutrition (salad, vegetables-with cheese or grated cheese).

Her being placed in a facility is MUCH MORE THAN the food. Most institutional food is just that - unless a person is in a $10,000+++ a month facility. Hopefully, then it would taste better, like a 5 star restaurant.

I would imagine you would have this same issue if she was located in another facility.

* The key is to get calories in her however you can.
& Ask to speak to the dietitian and administrator - to see what they might be able to do.
* Understandably, you cannot go everyday.
- Research / find volunteer (organization) to visit (even 3-4 days a week inbetween your visits). Have them bring her something substantial. Even a candy bar with coconut or peanuts in it. Yes, you would need to pay for this, but it certainly wouldn't cost much.

* Contact a local church.

Gena / Touch Matters

Is your mum able to communicate to you what the problem is?
My mum finally stopped eating last autumn. The stroke she suffered 13 years ago damaged the part of her brain that controls appetite, so she doesn't feel hunger. Now, dementia has changed how food tastes. Also, she doesn't want to be bothered, and the physical sensation of food bothers her.

I thought that the reason she didn't want to drink the milkshake supplement was because of the taste, but she finally found the words to explain that it tastes okay, but she doesn't like the consistency. So, now, it's made with more milk and strained through a sieve after mixing. She still doesn't want it, but she drinks it better.

I know that you said the food in the care home isn't nice, but there may be meals she dislikes more than others so they can be avoided, or something else that would make the food more palatable. The bottom line is, there isn't another option.

You will burn yourself out if you keep going there everyday with home cooked meals. You're no good to anyone if your own health suffers. If your mum still has an appetite, it is likely that she will start to eat the food when there is no other choice. And, really, there is no other practical choice.

I agree with others that antidepressants may help. It wouldn't hurt for your mum to be given something to help lift her mood.

I know that my mum will eventually stop drinking the supplement (sometimes it takes 45 minutes for her to drink a 100ml shake). When that happens she will die. There's nothing that I can do to change that, and I have come to accept the situation. But I believe in quality of life over quantity, and I wouldn't want my mum to linger in discomfort or distress.

You need to make peace with your decision to place your mum in care. You did it for the right reasons. It isn't perfect, but that is rarely attainable. She's being looked after, she's safe, and that has to be good enough.

Adulting00: Perchance can she change nursing homes?

If she is willing to drink 4-5 high protein Ensure a day, she will get adequate nutrition. Encourage her to go to the dining room so she gets to socialize. Maybe making a few more friends will help her to get over the food issues.

As I stated previously, and it continues to be my perception and opinion: "As I see it, most of the answers demonstrate a lack compassion and empathy."

There is nobody more empathetic and sympathetic to the plight of elders who are declining, particularly cognitively.

Most people seem content to lock up their elders. We even have someone here @MrNobody who claims he has been in a state-facility for 3 years and had adapted to the point where he says "pretty much enjoying each day." But notice he is computer literate and does not have dementia. There is NO comparison.

I GET that @Adulting00) can't get visit every day. That is a long haul. I can't remove guilt for his/her not showing up. I provided some suggestions (e.g. order in food, explore P.A.C.E.) and I could provide more. But based on what was shared the bottom line is @Adulting00's mother is in a place that she does not want to be - that is obvious, and probably not just related to the food.

We don't have to live forever. Death is not a bad thing in my book. Why as a society have we found institutionalization (generally "institutional neglect") acceptable for the elderly and differently-abled? And found that predatory financial scam preferable to death? I don't consider it acceptable. I wouldn't consider it acceptable for my children either. Would you? Elders, particularly cognitively challenged ones, are deserving of this?

You may not agree with my perspective. I may not agree with yours. But both are legitimate.

Have a good day.

A couple more points ...

1.
Anyone who things "facilities" provide 24/7 care is delusional. A facility may have staff 24/7, but care -- in most cases it is not even close.

[I know of two "high-end" facilities that REQUIRED some residents to have 24/7 private care on top of the facility's care. Even though that is illegal unless it is spelled out in the contract, they got/get away with it. Most people don't know the law, and most people, if they can afford it, recognize those facilities are saying "we aren't going to provide the level of care you would want."]

2.
In my area, there are daycare programs for people with cognitive impairments. That is probably not true everywhere. But if it IS available, that combined with P.A.C.E., good technology and focused accommodations, and the help of family & friends can go a long way to providing an alternative to a "facility." I'm not saying it will work for every situation, or that it is perfect - but it could be a superior option.

To ElisNY: How about you fill in your profile, so that we know what care you have provided in the past, and what you are doing now? Besides telling other people your views, obviously.

There is an appetite stimulant medication. My mother also stopped eating after going to nursing home. She lost some weight. Mom told staff they’re trying to poison ☠️ her. I knew from experience she wasn’t getting the Seroquel (for agitation cause by dementia) if she said that. Anyway, after a while they put her on this remron pill..stimulates appetite. Her eating improved tremendously after that. Good luck & hugs. 🤗

Did not read the the answers, but did you check with the dietian? the experts usually have the answers, not this crowd sourcing. That how Cincinnati governs city crowd sourcing.