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I'm sorry you are struggling with this and for your loss. I do believe that they dying have some ability to choose the moment they depart, I've read of too many instances similar to yours (or inversely where they wait until the distant relative arrives) to doubt it.
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I believe they do. My Mom was on hospice at the NH. She had closed her eyes, stopped eating and drinking. Just layed there. Seemed to know when someone was around. During her last week, everyone went to say goodbye. The last one was my nephew, with disabilities, that had lived with her. We left at 1:30pm. An hour later I got a call she had passed. When I received her death certificate, lt showed TOD as 1:50, 20 min after we left. But...that was the time the nurse checked on her. Mom could have passed before that.
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Personally, I have been around enough people in their last days, that I think they often seem to wait until the are alone to take that brave and peaceful step into the next world. As long as someone is around, fussing them, whether or not they are aware of it, they are hanging on--soon as there is a break in the 'action', they quietly move on.

Mother beat herself up when GG died. B/C she was 'alone'--but in my way of thinking, she was moving from one place where she was sick, tired and DONE to a place where her sweet husband and entire family were waiting for her.

I believe death to be a very personal experience, as people do 'death' much the way they did 'life'--surrounded by people, or alone and in quiet. Neither is a reflection of your care ability--and death is about the person who dies--nobody else. Yes, it affects you, but it's affecting the dying a LOT more.

Does it REALLY matter exactly what TIME someone passes? Not really. At first, when we feel so raw, maybe it matters, After awhile, when peace settles in, it won't bother you so much.
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