My 71-year old mother's health is not doing well. She lives overseas with my 76-year old dad; their relationship, the household I grew up in, is absolutely toxic. Up until this day, they are constantly yelling at each other even though my dad still helps her with her medication, etc.
Over the years, she's been asking me to sponsor her to live in the US. In her words, "She wants to spend her remaining years with me and her grandchild." She told me, "She's a changed person now and feels her relationship with God has been stronger." I don't honestly see any change in her so I don't know what she's referring to.
Last we talked, she brought up past issues because she wanted to have us "get back together and start anew," but the problem with her discussing things with me is I never get the chance to express my feelings. She brings up an old issue which I try to explain my side to, but she immediately shuts me down and says, "She doesn't want to talk about it" and even if she tried to listen to me, any of my reasonings, the way she sees it she says, are "invalid."
First of all, I know she will just ruin our lives with her toxicity. I'll be walking on eggshells in my own home. She's already said things about my husband that she doesn't like. At this point, even her presence irritates me.
Second, the size of our home is also just enough for us. I worked to hard to have the life I have now only for her to ruin it.
Furthermore, I had a miscarriage recently. I know no one is supposed to blame, but I can't stop thinking that the stress she gives me has attribute to it. When they were here a couple months ago, all she ever did was give me stress - even the littlest things. For example, we would agree that I pick them up from the hotel at a certain time, but she would always be late. I felt she was just disrespectful of my time. I know for a fact that if it were her eldest sister (whom she wholeheartedly respects and looks up to) she has plans with, she will always be on time.
She was abusive to me physically and emotionally growing up, but part of me feels like I'm still somewhat obligated to care for her. How do I stop feeling guilty? I've gone through therapy and that's somewhat helped, but I feel like because of our culture, it's hard to get past this feeling.
"No" is a complete sentence. "No, mom. That will not work". Refuse to discuss it, when she brings this up, walk away.
She has no interest in a 'new' relationship with you-she's just saying what she thinks you want to hear, and it's been successful in that it's filled you with doubt and guilt. Since her behaviors were unchanged during her visit, how do you imagine they will improve if she comes to live near you, with you her only social support? You'll be dancing to her tune 24/7, and she'll be a toxic force in your family's life. What kind of relationship is that to expose your child to or expect your husband to accomodate? Do you really want her near your kid given how she was with you?
Don't be stuck in your childhood role with a manipulator who doesn't respect your boundaries, your choices, or the fact that you're a grown up raising your own family.
I'm just angry right now because of our last conversation. I know no one is to blame for my miscarriage, but should I tell her about this? I just hope that if she knew, she'd at least stop stressing me out and creating drama.
My condolences on your recent miscarriage.
I also feel like I should tell her about my miscarriage hoping that it may allow her to be more empathetic and cause me less stress moving forward, but part of me feels like it won't change anything. She may blame herself, but it won't result in change; it will only feed into her self-pity and "woe is me" attitude.
Please Google Fear, Obligation and Guilt and you may find some clues.
"No mom, I can't do that. It doesn't fit into my plans".
1. Your OBLIGATION to your nuclear immediate family which is
or SHOULD BE your prime imperative.
2. The likelihood of someone only 70 years old to live another
two decades at the least.
3. The likelihood of getting any care assistance money from the
government here should your mother ever need it.
4. Your ability to "take it all back" when it doesn't work out.
If you consider all four of these points in your own heart privately, and then with your own family, and you STILL DECIDE to move forward with this? Then I would say there is not now and can never be in the future any hope whatsoever for your happiness and for the thriving of your own family.
I am sorry to be so blunt.
Your obligation is to yourself and to your immediate family, not to your ACCIDENTAL PROGENITOR.
You asked, and I gave you my honest and heartfelt opinion; I hope only for what is best for YOU and those you LOVE.
We all must make our own decisions.
I wish you the best with yours.
I can't really get on board with the culture thing, because I don't have that sort of constraint in my life. I cared for my parents because I chose to. They didn't expect it or ask for it -- it was my choice. I learned by their examples.
My dad's mother was very difficult, and while my dad did feel an obligation to see to it that his mother had a roof over her head, he kept firm boundaries which worked out well for everyone. He supported her for the most part for many years, bought her a home, and ensured she was safe. What he didn't do was spend a lot of time with her, because she was a tough cookie that no one much wanted to be around.
I think you can assuage your feelings of cultural guilt by doing the same but keeping Mom at a very distant arm's length. See to it that she has the care she needs and a roof over her head (although I assume Dad is still doing that anyway), but under no circumstances does she get to move here.
Even in the very best of circumstances it is hard for adult children to live with parents.
I don’t blame you for not believing that your mom has had a change of heart. Her behavior speaks for itself.
You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty for anything. She should show remorse for her actions. You don’t owe her anything. You were an innocent child and were mistreated. You deserved better.
Sadly, life isn’t always fair. We don’t have control over our situation as a child but you damn sure have control over your life now! So, use that control to say no to your mom about her moving to the states.
Say it like you mean it. Leave no question in her mind that she can ever live with you.
Some people learn ‘what not to do’ instead of ‘what to do’ from their mom. Be proud of yourself for breaking unhealthy cycles and not following your mother’s example.
I’m sorry that you experienced abuse in your childhood.
Mom brought up God.
Does she plan to leave her husband? Are you going to participate in breaking up your Mom & Dad? What does your culture and religion say about that?
That is only one thing to consider.
There are so many red flags that you may not be safe in a relationship with your mother. You have given enough reasons, now live in peace.
Unless you have taken to heart lessons on how to be a narcissist, do not confront or try to explain to your Mom about any blame for your miscarriage.
You are sad, lost your child before it was born. It is another loss that you could not turn to your own mother for comfort. So very sorry for your loss.
Cling to your husband now while you heal. Relegate any relationship with your parents to the less contact mode, your future, your healing, your family.
No one should ever be forced to take care of a person who has abused you emotionally and physically. What is wrong with your therapist, did you not go over this in counseling?
Your best self-care action would be to set yourself free from the "fog of fear, obligation, and guilt". It is real. It is like not being able to have an emotion or thought separate from your mother when in her presence. And only becoming aware of all those crushed eggshell left behind when she leaves. Even then, the FOG may not clear, as evidenced by your post here today, still trying to sort out your feelings about very real normal emotions you are having over your Mom.
You are reaching out, keep up the good work of healing!
"In general, lawfully present immigrants must have a “qualified” immigration status to be eligible for Medicaid or CHIP, and many, including most lawful permanent residents or “green card” holders, must wait five years after obtaining qualified status before they may enroll."
Source: https://www.kff.org/racial-equity-and-health-policy/fact-sheet/health-coverage-and-care-of-immigrants/:~:text=In%20general,%20lawfully%20present%20immigrants,status%20before%20they%20may%20enroll.
(Medicaid rules vary by state).
When I was here over 14 years ago to visit for a couple months, I had inexplicable rash all over my body. A family friend recommended going to this clinic to get treatment. This was basically where anyone can get free healthcare regardless of citizenship status.
US policies have changed over the years, but my mother still holds on to these past experiences insisting they are still possible. In her recent visit this year, she insisted that she get a biopsy at that clinic I went to 14 years ago. On the phone when I made an inquiry, the clinic explicitly said Medicaid is now required, but even then, my mother was still in denial. She wanted us to drive there, so she can explicitly hear it from someone.
Are you seeing a therapist?
You mention thinking that you woukd not have miscarried if you had endured your mother.
I don't think that's how human biology works, and I think it's worthwhile to explore that sort of illogical thinking with a mental health professional.
People who "endure" abusive parents as children have enough damage without needing to try to manage their old age.
When she is upset at my dad or me, she is very strong-willed. For example, when she planned on a smear campaign at my dad, she was quite resourceful in obtaining my dad's friends' phone numbers so she can reach out to them. I wish she had that willpower and resourcefulness when it comes to other aspects of her life, so I don't oftentimes have to think things for her. I know she is capable. When she is raging, she becomes very capable.
If you wish to maintain a relationship, continue with simple visits. It is so terribly unlikely that she has changed overnight. Visits can increase in frequency, and you’ll always know they are finite. But once she moves in, you’ll be trapped with her. It’s going to be difficult to say no, but stay strong and protect your happy home life.
And would you really want her around your children? Please NO! She could cause them the same pain that you have experienced, so why would you do that to them? You need to protect them as well as yourself from harm.
I'm very sorry about your miscarriage.
Good luck in breaking away from your mom. She's horrible and deserves no more from you.
Pushy people will push their own agenda, if you decline what they ask, they will zoom in on any cracks in your defence, then pry they open, pick apart your reasons one by one, twist your words, push & manipulate until they get what they want. They are not interested in your view, your life, your needs.
Listen to what she has said already? Has she ever asked how YOU feel at all?
Maybe you have already decided against..? Do you want advice or support on the HOW to say no?
I'd keep it simple.
Like 'Grey Rock' technique simple.
"No". It can be a complete sentence.
Followup as required with
"No. We've discussed this. I said No".
This is what I do with a very bossy family member. Still stressful, but I don't budge. Discussions only prolong the pain & pressure on me.
Sure you don't know my mother personally? You describe her to the letter here.
Many folks with mental illness can seem grandiose and powerful when in fact they have very frail egos. They suck the energy out of their loved ones. They thrive on creating chaos for others in order to dampen their own terror.
Your father has apparently made his choice to stay with her. You have escaped. I highly recommend that you stay far, far away from her.
After over 2 1/2 years of caring for him nonstop, we have experienced full caregiver burnout and are now on the waiting list for him to be placed in a nursing home. We are not capable of caring for him in his declining physical and mental state.
Caring for a narcissist is such a mentally challenging thing to do, I would NOT recommend you doing it, even though it is your parent.
The stress of taking on the role of becoming a full time care giver is huge, but then add one of the most difficult personalities to that is literally life draining.
My dad is 72 and is end stage renal failure. He has balance and falling problems. He refuses to use his walking aides and fights us when we try to assist him. His dementia is progressing.
Last week he told his dialysis team my husband and I don't feed him and lock him in his room, which of course is totally untrue. APS was called, along with a sheriff 's visit, to check out his accusations, which of course were unfounded. After all this he said he never said anything. I don't know if it's memory or personality, but it's hard.
In addition, his entire side of the family are narcissistic personalities too. And have not offered one ounce of help through this entire time, but are sitting at the sidelines judging and critiquing my husband and our care for our father at every single turn.
Please, please save yourself the mental stress and fatigue and do not take this responsibility on. From someone who did out of loyalty and love to my mother, who I adored, I am hoping you are reading my words and heeding my warning that if I could do it all over again, I never would.
I wish I had spent this time focusing on our daughter instead, who has been wonderful but not getting the attention she should have had and deserved, but was spent on my demanding father.
I wish you the best of luck.
Perfect response . I made the same mistake caring for narcissist and did not give my own family including a teenager the attention they deserved.
As things are she cannot afford to live in the United States.
If you think that your feelings are being discounted by her like they matter for nothing and have zero importance, you're correct.
Your mother doesn't care about your feelings or what you think. Narcissists never do.
She doesn't want to live with your father anymore but needs someone to do for her. Not just any someone. She wants someone who will cater to her and also tolerate her abusive behavior that I'm sure your father does not put up with. So you become the answer to all her problems. Moving to the United States and in with you becomes the only possible solution that she will accept. I'd be willing to bet your father does not tolerate her disrespect and abusive neediness.
What you or anyone else thinks does not matter to people like this. My mother is the same. Their needs, wants, and demands are all they think about. They also believe that the whole world only exists to serve them and make them confortable and happy. The sense of entitlement is staggering.
Sound familiar?
I'm sure it does. Trust me, your mother has not changed. She's putting on a temporary show to get what she wants which is to be living with you. Then you will be stuck taking care of her until one of you dies. She knows this. So do you.
If you think she discounts your feelings and is disrespectful now, put her in control which is what you will be doing if you move her in. Then watch her get a hundred times worse.
Don't do it, my friend. You will be nothing but sorry if you do.
When you sponsor someone you have taken over their care and support. Your Mom is not entitled to Medicare or Social Security because she did not work in the US. To get Medicaid and other benefits she has to be here 5 yrs as a resident. That means from the time she gets a green card. So for 5 yrs you must pay for her health insurance and support her. Because, she won't be giving u money because she feels you owe her. Even if she says she will, will she?
You live in the US for a reason, to be miles away from Mom. We have a forum member who brought her Mom from India because she had Dementia and no one to care for her. Weary has totally supported her Mom and it has not been easy.
I guess you have the answer to your question, do not move Mom to the US.