I hestitate to write this post because all of the advice has been given to me. Disengage. Delete messages. Change phone number. Let mother solve her own problems. Call police if she shows up.
We have tried for over 1.5 years to get her make a better decision, as have the rabbis, temple people, hotel people. She will not do anything but wake up and call me 5 times a day (350 blocked phonecalls), screaming and crying that I am a murderer.
Recognizing that she is ill, tried to get her a caregiver who could get her to a state where she could function. Tried to get her to seek help. STarted by sending her pictures of houses that we would buy her despite her terrible parenting and leaving the family at age 13. Terrible mother. Lifelong anxiety and narcissist.
If there is any advice I have missed, please let me know. Being told I am a murderer for standing by, when we've tried every day to do something but will not bring her near us or my son as we know how she acts and we know she wont' respect boundaries. Recall she won't settle down. Her list of demands for me is not only to be loved, but to fix her life, love her, feed her, nourish her, give her purpose. fix her face, get her to do yoga, go on walks with her, take her to temple, fix her teeth, get her massages, get her hair implants, help her start a business (all of which I have tried for decades). She writes horrible things like "would you rather I be murdered in Israel?" "You are murderer for standing by and watching me die." Police call won't do anything. Neither will Baker Act. I don't see how this ever recovers. I don't see how we dismiss the 3,000 emails showing her views of the world. On top of that she continues to regret her life and comment about how she shouldn't have married my dad, had children when she was young - all of these add insult to injury. I am really trying to not take people's time, but once a quarter, I feel like this isn't stopping. I guess you say that I have allowed it to continue. My mother is one of the worst cases of narcissism as someone has said, and she won't stop. I can delete, delete, delete, delete, but it is not so easy. I do get on with my day, but the weight is always there.
She wouldn't even take an iPad we offered. Wouldn't take the care giver. Told the caregiver to take her to buy a gun to shoot herself and then caregiver wouldn't go back.
She has a hoarding issue and can't spend her money.
So, yes, continue to delete and delete.
Hangs up on every phonecall. Won't call a doctor.
Won't take any of the help offered. People in Florida are now tiring of her. Rabbi has met her 60 times. She emails them daily too, but I am the only one being stalked.
Anything else to do but delete, delete, delete?
"Anything else to do but delete, delete, delete?" No, nothing else to do.
You are a grown up. You will have to take responsibility for your choice to engage your mother.
PS: If you didn't already take my advice to read the memoir by Liz Sheier called Never Simple, about her attempts to intervene for her mentally ill mother for decades to no avail, do so now.
It really is time for you to grow up and be a better mom to your son, you are no different then your own batchit crazy mom at this point. Do you really want your family to implode because you can't grow up and cut this crazy, EVIL thing to the curb?
Just like I can’t send you courage , You can’t fix your mother . Just stop.
You know what to do. You just don’t want to do it.
Like many people who come here with relationship issues with family members, you seem to be hoping someone will have the perfect words or magical phrase that will cause your mom to have a sudden and complete epiphany; to realize what she has put you through from childhood was wrong, that she will fall at your feet and beg for forgiveness, and you will all go off into the proverbial sunset and live happily ever after.
There is no such animal. Those words only exist in Hallmark made-for-TV movies.
You say "She emails them daily too, but I'm the only one being stalked". Why do you suppose that is, I wonder? Because you rise to the bait each and every time. She does it to get a reaction, and she is successful Every. Single. Time.
It's not OCD that you're suffering from. You are in a co-dependent relationship with your mom. We see it. Your friends and acquaintances see it. Your MOM'S friends and acquaintances see it. Your husband sees it. Your SON sees it. You seem to the be only one who can't.
And here's something even harsher - you are going to lose everyone in your life as well if you keep this up and don't seek REAL help and a REAL solution. What do you think your husband and son are trying to say when they tell you they wish you would stop? How long do you think they can stand by and watch this destroy you while you do nothing concrete to stop it? It is going to get to the point where it is going to become too painful for them to witness, and out of their own sense of self-preservation, they are going to have to walk away.
You need to find a psychiatrist that specializes in co-dependent relationships and undergo some seriously heavy therapy. It's not going to be an easy journey. You might struggle with this so long as your mom remains alive. But if you don't take real and concrete steps to disentangle yourself from this dangerous and damaging relationship you have with your mom, you're going to likely end up as alone as she feels she is.
I do, sincerely, wish you the best.
I've been told I'll be better off when she is dead since 1998.
I am the only one being stalked because I am the only daughter she wants to be near and I live in San Francisco - which is a NICE city. I have not been nice to her one day in 1.5 years on purpose to push her away. I have tried to get her to make a good decision, but I have not been nice.
I don't like her. I don't want to spend time with her. I never have. I do just pity this pathetic person who gave birth to me - but more than pity, I don't want to be inundated with her problems every day. I can delete, but it's hard to ignore.
So what?
She says you are a murderer.
So what?
You set the boundaries. She can break them all she wants. Just don't respond, your OR your husband.
The POLICE have told you that her threats are just manipulation. What more "permission" do you need to stop responding?
She will continue to try to contact you. Just stop responding, reading, reacting.
Are you seeing a therapist to help you with this? You never answer that question.
So, back to the leaves on a stream exercise.
The murderer is because I leave her to die. She write insane things like "it will be hard to prosecute, but you are a murderer to leave a mother to die."
The one interesting point that does save me is that I do have a sister. All of her comments about what daughters should do somehow don't apply to her because my sister is a bit low-class and that's not the crowd my mom wants. My mom always wanted to be beautiful and famous.
She looks at Suzanne Somers and feels such jealousy. She is jealous she had a miserable life.
"You are the only one who can save my life!!!! Your a murderer!!!!!" plays in my head although I know that I did more than most would have done.
This means the OP needs to STOP giving her mother money and let her mother grow the hell up and deal with her own damn life.
That is the only way OP is ever going to get her mother out of her life for good.
So this endless merry go round is going to continue until that happens or her mother finally dies.
I would prefer OP grew a pair of big brass ones, but that probably won't happen because she feels like she has to financially support a mother who abandoned her for decades.
Maybe OP should start asking her mother for money. Start asking her mother for new boobs, new teeth, fancy clothes and the like. Demand it even. See what happens if she turns the tables on her mother and starts behaving just like the mother is behaving.
Any emails or contact should be reiterated and turned back around into her asking her mother for the things she is asking daughter for (maybe with the exception of living with her - she might take her up on that one).
Start putting in these emails all the negative things the mother has done. Each and every time and remind the mother of her own bad and negative qualities.
It's worth a try.
I am guessing that you are still contacting her, which is probably most of the problem. Just because she is your mother doesn't mean you have to stay in contact with her. Cut her off completely and get your life back. Lots of people on this forum have done exactly that.
I don't understand how people think I can cut off contact. She won't stop. 350 voicemails. 2 emails closed. She contacts on skype, which I stopped using. I blocked on Line. I blocked on LinkedIn but she can still see so I made so that she can't comment (I am public figure).
If she won't accept boundaries and believes I am her only answer to save her life, I don't get to cut contact. It keeps coming. I have only spoken to her for a few minutes in the past 1.5 years. My husband has agreed to have some contact.
She is literally alone, "lost in this country" - she lived her life overseas, didn't make any friends, can't make any friends, burns bridges wherever she goes.
The other comment that "I won't miss her much." I haven't "missed" my mother in 40 years. She has never been there for me. I always just managed my mother.
You are not responsible for her mental or physical health.
You are not responsible for her happiness.
She is going to die at some point and what you do or don't do will have ZERO impact on when that happens.
If a man of G-d can walk away, so can you.
I want her to say, Okay, let's start with a phonecall and I'll act decent.
She says she does not have to act decent because she is old, without husband, is not rich, and had a bad life with anxiety.
I want her to stop blaming me and messing with my head that I am somehow a murderer and criminal.
I want her to take the uber I pay for and get the iPad I pay for.
I wanted her to take the caregiver who are trained to work with people like her to get her to a functional state where we could see her.
After a year and a half of sick posts from pretend emails, I don't know how we can ever see her. The thought of seeing her makes me sick. It was scary enough when I reconnected with her in 2008 after 10 years of separation. Now, it's at a point of no return.
Stop. I mean this in kindess.
As what you have tried, sadly has not worked.
It appears your Mother is mentally ill or has a personality disorder.
You cannot fix her.
To continue to try is causing you harm.
She won't let me stop.
So, stopping means what? Don't listen to sick voicemails?
Don't listen to her screaming? Don't listen to her death threats?
Let her lie in that room and die?
I don't know what other choice I have. If it's all or nothing, it will be nothing.
If it was someone I truly loved, I might have done more. I might have sacrificed my life. But I can't sacrifice my life for her. My husband and son just tell me to STOP too. My son is constantly telling me to stop.
My husband wants me to stop.
It's either that I have a tiny shred of guilt that I am not doing the right thing or that I stopped and it didn't work - it got worse. She got worse. She didn't figure it out without me. Everyone said, tough love - but it didn't work. She wouldn't even take a free condo on the beach. I do know her as she formed my mind, and I know how she thinks. She believes I am her savoir although everyone around her (hotel, rabbis) have told her I am not and to try something else. She will not.
So, it is really okay to delete and leave her? Really? How does this end?
She knows she could go to St. Louis or Phoenix, but she declined.
I am afraid she has gone mad sitting alone but she chose to be a wanderer as living a regular life in the USA was not what she wanted.
CALL 5150 ON HER!!
Take her next call seriously, and have 911 pick her up.
one day she may try and succeed. Better to clear your name… you’re not a murderer..
And she will be evaluated by medical doctors. They will make sure she gets the medical attention she needs.
This has been ongoing for years now (if not on and off for 4 decades), but the past 1.5 years have been the worst since 2006.
She will not take care. She will not call a doctor. She will not seek any treatment. She is 78.
1.5 years ago, she told the rabbi that she was going to slit her wrists and take pills. The rabbi believed her and thought he should help so he brought her to St. Louis and got her a nice place, doctors, a community, and also found a place for her. She wouldn't take it. She didn't want to be in St. Louis. After daily calls for 6 months, he cut ties.
Now she emails the rabbi in Florida and people there daily. She is not threatening to kill herself, but calling me a murderer because I am not coming to pick her up and nurse her back to health.
I have done too much - even sent a caregiver for a week, but it isn't my responsibility to risk my own health and that of my immediate family to do any more.
We've offered everything and she won't take anything short of a full-time caregiver and putting her back together with full dedication.
She hangs up on us every time we even try to call and ask her to have a conversation.
Again, not threatening to kill herself at this point - although a few months ago when she sent a picture "here is what a dead body looks like when it jumps from a building" - we called police although we knew she was just seeking attention. The police went there and she said it was just for attention. They said after a year of her doing this now, they can't do anything. They offered her help, as has the rabbi, and have other people in Florida - but she chooses to not take a path because she wants a full-time caregiver and love from a family. She wants to be rich. She wants to be young. She will not be evaluated. Baker Act will not work because she is just manipulative and truly miserable with anxiety, but help-rejecting.
My son has seen her twice in his life (he is 14). She has a fantasy of having a close family now and having caretakers. She wants me to hold her hand, hug her, treat her like a baby and nurse her back to health - then buy her a house, find her a husband,etc. Let me note again, I've barely seen this woman in 40 years. I've always stayed in contact as an act of kindness, but this time around I knew it would not work to welcome her to my house given that she doesn't see other people or respect boundaries and will have no problem bombarding both me and my son daily for her needs.
Keep deleting etc .
Go about your day as best you can .
See a therapist .
Passive-aggressive threats to kill herself are attempts to elicit a response from you. Nothing more. Had she wanted to commit suicide, she'd have done so long ago. Its rather easy.
Change your email address and phone number, advice you've been given many times before but haven't taken.
You keep trying to help her, despite being advised not to, so what's left to say?
All the advice has already been given.
Good luck choosing to remove this thorn from your side. Only YOU can make that choice.
She gets mad.
So?
So what?
It's NOT your problem.