This is a long story, but I'll try to keep it short. My dad is 87, getting into the later stage of dementia. He lives in a private assisted facility near my sister in TX (Dallas area). Cost is about $3400/month. He is a Korean War vet, honorably discharged.
My mother passed away last March 09, 2019. She had a car, about 20K in her checking account and $150K from the sale of their home, and another $100K in an IRA. They both lived in an independent facility and had a SS income of about $2700/month. They supplemented their monthly costs with the assets aforementioned.
I had been talking to her about trying to file for my dad's VA benefits and we were making some progress when all the sudden my sister stepped in and said "We're not going to do that" and announced she held durable POA and would be calling all the shots from now on, and that she was going looking into filing for Medicaid, because it pays more.
My mother confirmed that, but with some reservation, even asking me in private if I thought she made the right decision?? I live 500 miles away out of state, and our older brother isn't very well able to handle his own affairs much less theirs. So, I backed off trying to assist, but not without words with my sister. Months pass and my mother passes away. 03/09/2019. My sister then moves my dad into a memory care facility...... this is where it gets interesting.
Fast forward to 12/01/2019, Almost nine months after my mom's passing.
My sister contacts me wanting to discuss my dad's finances. She then tells me he's down to 17K in the account. He makes $1600/month SS and the cost is $3400/month. She says she went to the brokerage bank (Fidelity) to "get more money transferred".... Which sounded odd to me, and low and behold the account is frozen because guess what? ..... My mom established her three grown kids as equal beneficiaries and not my father.
Turns out, my sister knew this in April, when she informed them of my mom's passing and asked to have the account transferred to her account. That's when they told her it's now frozen. She decided to wait eight months before mentioning it to us.
I believe my sister had a scheme to, take control of my parents finances IE, Durable POA, Hide their assets, and file for Medicaid. Turns out she was working with an attorney months before my mom passed, where by she was going to have my mother "invest" her money into my sisters home as part owner... Turns out you can do that. Then my sister would get her money, my parents would be basically destitute and qualify for Medicaid.
But, apparently my mother did not trust her, or decided she wanted the money in her brokerage account and then made us all equal heirs.
So, I have offered to pay the difference with my sister for my dads care, but let my brother keep his money and file for those VA benefits. She still refuses.
So, 1. does this sound familiar, or common? 2. Has anyone had experience filing for VA benefits? 3. any advice on dealing with my sister here? 4. since she is the durable POA for my dad.... what can I do to help with his care/cost? I don't think I can trust my sister at all.
Advice please, and Thank you
That 17k will only last another 9 months. And as Dad needs more care, the cost of the AL will go up.
A & A can take a while. The more info you can get on Dad the better. I lucked out that all Dads papers were together. His discharge papers, his paper saying he was entitled to VA benefits. Took all info on income.
But, if it looks like sister is applying for Medicaid and putting Dad in LTC, I wouldn't even start the process.
By the way, unless Moms POA paperwork said "immediate" your sister was not in charge until Mom was found incompetent. Which seems ur Mom wasn't. Your Mom could have revolked sister as POA and assigned someone else. POA is not a guardianship.
I don't think you can trust your sister, either. Not necessarily that she's been scheming to divert your parents' wealth into her own property, but perhaps that she's been too clever by half and apparently made a mess of it. Doesn't really matter, though; the question is now what?
So, what does your sister propose? And has any of this been discussed with your brother? (I wouldn't be too noble about surrendering your own rights while sparing him his. Very sweet of you, but not what your mother thought just.)
I think I'd refuse to lift a finger without full disclosure of exactly what has happened financially from the moment your sister began to exercise her DPOA. You need to know exactly how you got to where you are. But I also think I'd be looking for professional guidance - lawyer, accountant, certified care planner, someone with proven expertise in untangling this kind of situation.
That's what I was sort of mapping out. I guess I kinda needed to see if I'm thinking correctly.
My sister isn't telling us anything. She tries to give us a guilt trip about not helping and being ....get this..."selfish" with the money my mom left us. She tried to tell my brother that our mother wanted that money to be used for my dads care.
I believe the she basically devised a sachem that backfired on her.
She has all the authority and all the responsibility. If she trashes you to others and you hear about it, you shrug and say, "I've offered my help, but she won't be transparent about the finances".
I'm sorry for your troubles. A consult with a certified elder care attorney is a great idea.
She has POA for Dad; that makes HER the responsible party for seeing that Dad's care gets paid for from his resources. Tell her that you are glad to help but only after you and she have a sit down with the attorney in question so that you can understand what has transpired up to this point. Cant the lawyer help with filing for VA benefits?
Does SHE realize the facility will not accept Medicaid?
She'll tell other family members, or whoever will listen, that she does everything, and my brother and I (especially me) are the villains....some how, and we do nothing.
Then when I try to help, offer suggestions etc... she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. It's very frustrating.
She does understand the facility doesn't accept medicaid. She wants me and my brother to pay a third of the cost....she put my dad there, and we don't have any money other than what my mom just left us. I told my brother not to let her manipulate him.
If she does not provide this or it shows fraud I would then hire an attorney, and tell her I was doing so.
The house thing is a red flag in itself, at the least she was trying to defraud Medicaid.
I have filed with the VA for my step-father, it is a long drawn out process, takes time, doesn't happen overnight. If the home where your father is takes Medicaid then why not go that route?
Personally, at this time I wouldn't contribute a dime. If he has Medicaid then he should be fine.
I was hoping we could file for VA, which would carry him in private care until such time as he might need Medicaid, but it seems my sister just wanted to go straight to Medicaid. She doesn't communicate so it's hard to know.
At this point it does not look like I'm able to get involved anyway. I don't have access to any financial records to file anything, or authority.
It's difficult being on the outside of care giving for a parent, but I feel like I have to do my due diligence and try.
This all sounds quite complicated. I would not agree to meet with her under any other circumstances. She wanted it, and she's got it.
Terrible what your sister did. Yes, sounds familiar and common. You're right, don't trust your sister at all. Sounds like your mom didn't either since she asked you did that sound right and making sure things were set up for all children.
She got them to make her the durable POA, right? so she should call the VA and ask how to apply, and who can help. There are those that help without charging and VA accredited agents and attorneys that do charge. She'll have a lot of paperwork, leg work, deadlines. You shouldn't use your own money (you'll need it for yourself).
You should consult an elder attorney to ask what can be done to protect your dad and prevent her from taking advantage of him. She may get him to sign papers that aren't what he or your mom want.
I am going to visit my dad and brother this Friday.
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