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Hi! My mother was diagnosed and given two types of medicine for Alzheimer’s by her family doctor. My father is in denial and thinks this is all she needs right now. My siblings and I would like to see her go to a memory clinic. She struggles with remembering things, just by going into another room. My father still lets her drive, even though she’s had issues with forgetting where she was going before. I’ve tried speaking with both parents about her “confusion” She just cries and says we’re ganging up on her and my father says it’s not that bad. My siblings and I don’t even know where to go from here. Any advice?

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You do NOT listen to your father. Have a doctor or professional tell your father her condition and she is NOT to drive. Talk with Motor Vehicle too to take the license away. Of course she will cry. Who wouldn't when their "life" is being taken away but what choice do you have. You and your siblings with a Power of Attorney must get together and as one unit prepare to place her. Take this decision away from your father who is not being realistic. Don't wait - get an attorney involved if need be but she needs to be placed or have a caretaker brought in full time.
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Hello mleew088,
this is a very tough time and it’s very upsetting when you just want the best for your parents and it’s not going the way you think it should. Actually a lot of what was said in the previous posts by others have really hit the nail on the head. I know reading all the answers can be overwhelming but the take away key points are. Meds are really not always beneficial and usually makes things worse but if you know your mom very well then pay close attention. There will be a need to take away the car keys unfortunately. It sounds like dad maybe more upset than mom. The only way that you can help with mom to stop driving is to make sure that if they have places to go or things to do someone is available to do it for them or with them. At this time, you just have to understand this is a process and as time go on it gets more difficult. Take a deep breath and do the best you can. Please take care of yourself as well. We are all here for you.
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I have no advice, but I'm in the same situation. My dad believes that Jesus will cure her, protect her, and/or save her from hurting herself and others. He's adamant that I'm just trying to make things worse by suggesting a doctor's visit. She never was a drinker, but now he make sure her glass is full all day. It's so bizarre to see his level of denial over this! But Mom insists it's all our problems, never hers, when she forgets or gets lost on her way to the grocery store she's been going to for 17 years, or repeats herself dozens of times in a few hours. She thinks we're playing a mean trick on her when we don't understand what she's trying to say. It's super sad! I'm the eldest and the only daughter but not the favorite child, so my youngest brother - who lives many hours away - is the person in charge. He doesn't really care anymore about them, and he won't discuss it. He says, "They're hopeless. There's nothing we can do until she hurts herself or someone else." It's really, really hard. Big hug to you, @Mleew088. I get it.
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Whoa. I hope the family MD is well-versed in the meds he is prescribing for dementia...I'd want to know how he diagnosed and get a 2nd opinion possibly to confirm and review the plan. Meds can have side effects and taking two at the same time you can't be sure which triggered a problem if there should be one. Whatever they call it, memory clinic, elderhealth, go with your instincts and see a neurologist or someone who specializes.
And daddy...he needs to understand her capacity to process is diminishing and he is taking huge risks with her behind the wheel. A sudden stop, a missed turn..not good.
If you follow up with a specialist they should be able to talk to you about these concerns and show your parents or convey the reality and risks and maybe influence their decisions.
It's hard when someone first realizes something is wrong, but with the passing of time, they may just slide into it and not be so upset/may forget that part. Not to be pessimistic either, but those drugs don't always work or for long...keep watch after someone more expert reviews things. Family MD's can be great, I know one of the best...but this might be a time for a pro who deals with the issues daily.
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Imho, has she seen a neurologist, who can give her an M.R.I., which is the gold standard to detect for Alzheimer's? She most definitely should not be in control of a motor vehicle! Disable the auto by any means possible.
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My stepmom has dementia & my Dad was letting her continue to drive, even though she started getting lost. If he needed to take his car to a repair shop, he felt my stepmom could easily follow him in her car. Wrong! The adult children kept telling him he shouldn’t allow this, as it was dangerous.
Finally, an Alzheimer’s specialist put her foot down and said to my Dad : “If she gets into and accident and harms property or a human, the first things the attorneys will find is that she’s diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and is on meds. You could lose EVERYTHING because you willingly allowed her to drive and knew she wasn’t safe.”
The driving stopped the very next day and my stepmom has never mentioned it...because she forgot she could drive.
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Teepa Snow. Go to her website and watch some of her videos. She is one of the country's top experts on dementia and how caregivers can deal with it / communicate with those inflicted. I studied / watched / took seminars for over two years. She's the best in the business.
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Family doctor can assess for Alzheimer's disease or a neurologist can assess for dementia. Given that mom has times she "forgets" while driving, ask the doctor his/her advice about when to stop driving. No matter which health care provider you visit, he/she can outline to progression of the disease and treatment options. Be aware that at latter stages your dad will have difficulty caring for her at home and will need lots of help - family, friends, community, and probably paid help.
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Alzheimer's is a disease. Mom must have had a brain scan and a series of tests In order to be diagnosed and treated.
Perhaps the doctor could review the the results with the family and discuss treatment options.
AND-answer questions such as "is it ok for mom to drive?"
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What is a family doctor doing diagnosing Alzheimer's and prescribing medication for it? Could you get both your parents to a gerontologist for a proper diagnosis? Maybe your father would take that seriously, if he watched the test being given and heard the doctor say "no driving!". The child can be the smartest, most logical and responsible person in the room, but the parents still see you as " the child. " I really think you need a high-powered doctor's declaration for this to sink in.
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InFamilyService Sep 2020
My mother's physician diagnosed her with dementia but she still feels she is fine and not "senile". I try to focus on things she still can do well and not the diagnosis. I just say mom most people your age forget things. She has a daily sitter and is still able to do a little around her house. We try to encourage and let her do as much as she can and make some decisions on her own.
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As another suggested, focus on discussions should be with your father. Mom isn't going to agree or really understand. In our case, dad was already gone, but never EVER did the "D" word get used around mom. Not if you valued your life! I only bring her up, because there was NO way to reason with her about her condition. In her mind, she was fine. Her excuse for memory lapses is that she is old and entitled to forget sometimes. Key word is SOMETIMES! When she's repeating herself within minutes, questions, answers or statements, clearly she is beyond capability of being reasoned with.

We did try bringing in aides, initially just a 1 hr sanity/take meds check, with intent to increase as needed. I didn't care what they did for the hour, but less than 2 months later she refused to let them in. Time for plan B.

Is there anyone your dad trusts more than anyone? Doctor? Clergy? Friend? Family member? He is in denial, but he also may not fully understand what dementia is, how it progresses and realize there is no cure, that it will only get worse. He especially needs to understand how devastating it will be, both for any injury or deaths, but also potentially for any lawsuits if she gets into an accident - ins may not cover it, she could get killed or seriously injured, she could come to other harm when she gets lost and taken advantage of. THAT should be the first item on the table - getting him on board with not letting her drive. Whether he can stick to it or keep control of the keys, etc, may be an issue that will compromise any gains you make with this,

If you could get him together with that trusted person, present some high level information about dementia and encourage him to keep up hope and care, but understand that at his age and with her condition he will need help. Try to get him to agree to some in-home assistance, couple days/week, be there when they are there, to give him time to adjust, get used to having someone there.

She may have good days, she may have bad days. She may hit plateaus where she seems stable, so he may be fooled into thinking she's fine, but that could change at any time. Without intervention to help guide him in her care, this isn't going to be an easy ride! I would also ensure that he is tested - if he is declining cognitively as well, none of what I suggested is likely to work and you may need to seek guardianship and conservatorship (POAs are generally not enough to force someone to move to a facility - we ran into that.)
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I have the Medical Power of Attorney and the Power of Attorney for everything else with my Mom. What usually helps is going to the Dr. with her. My Mom had a stroke 3 years ago and did rehab. She is still living on her own but we have an extensive check in system, for medication, Blood Pressure readings, when she is taking baths, etc. Her Blood Pressure is all over the place, one minute it's over 200, the next day it could be below 100. Either too high or too low can cause blackouts, dizziness, impairment, loss of cognitive abilities. etc. Her regular Doctor kept saying we all needed to talk about this and come to our own decision. However, once I went to her Cardiologist, he helped immensely. She kept saying "I just want to drive to the gym, I just want to drive a mile to church, I just want to drive to grocery store 2 miles away." He finally said "Yea, and pretty soon you'll be in Mexico!" He asked her "As you drive down your street and have a Blood Pressure episode, stroke, or forget what you are doing - do you want to hit the school bus full of children?" Her shocked face said it all. "Of course not, I don't want that on my conscience!" So Doctor told her "You don't know when an episode will happen, they just happen. So, you shouldn't drive anymore." Reluctantly, she agreed. I sold her car right after that, it had been sitting for 2 years anyway. Saved money by not having to pay car insurance anymore too. I also had my brother disconnect her gas stove and oven, as she has forgotten to turn off the stove twice. While that may not seem like a big deal, it only takes one fire to burn the house down with her in it. She was not happy but I got her a toaster oven that automatically turns off, a one pod coffee maker that automatically turns off and taught her how to make almost anything she likes to eat in the microwave or toaster oven. She is fine now. I also pre-cook meals and put two vegtables in a separated container that I freeze for 2-3 weeks at a time and she only has to microwave and can add a salad if she wants. Thankfully, I have been taking my Mom to all her doctor appointments for years, so all the Doctors know me, they have my POA's on file and I'm the only contact number they have. All correspondence goes through me. Talking to the doctor is your first line of defense against parents who are thinking clearly.
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Most medication for dementia have NO proven track record. They do not prevent dementia getting worse nor do they cure it in any way. You should read up on the medications. Medications for SYMPTOMS (agitation, et al) are useful). The others are for the most part useful to the doctor's pocketbook as they are given 6% of the cost of prescription on those that are not yet generic (translate expensive). This is our medical system. Never been any different. Do your own research on studies and make you own decisions. Memory clinics are unlikely to help as well, but may, and you cannot prove what would happen if she did NOT go. Alzheimer's is progressive and incurable. There is a learning curve here.
Currently your Mom should not be in these "discussions". It will confuse her further, and could cause paranoia and depression.
You father should, and you should be responsible for the learning curve, have an assessment by a good neuro or neuro psyc doctor as needed.
So you and your siblings need now to learn. There is a lot of information under the topic on this site. There are organizations and meetings and support groups on Facebook and everywhere else. It is very difficult when this sort of thing is dropped in your lap in this manner.
I don't know staging was done on your Mom? Whether it has or not, but best thing you can do for her is tell her that she will NOT face this alone, tell her it is "the aging process" that will come to us all, tell her that she may have forgetfulness and such issues, but that you will be there for her, and help her through everything.
There will be a good deal of anger, crying and denial if this follows the normal curve.
So sorry you all are facing this down. It is time now to get all papers in order to do care should you need to, to take on finances and bill paying and so on. Hope all you siblings get along well, because if you do it will be an enormous help.
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GardenArtist Sep 2020
Alva, excellent, thorough and sensitive response.
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If Mom was diagnosed 3 years ago has she gone for follow up visits to a neurologist who specializes in dementia? An annual exam can track the progression of the disease. The standard test seems meaningless to the uninformed (draw a clock, count backward by 7's, what us this animal? etc.) But it speaks volumes to the neurologist. My Mom thought it was a waste of time until she learned more about it.
It sounds like the university memory clinic offers just what you need to start out, with doctors, social workers, guidance etc.
As mentioned before, get all directives and paperwork finalized.
How to get them to stop driving and not be forever blamed for taking away their independence is tough. We struggled for years with my father. As one of 5 kids, no one wanted to be the "bad guy" that took away his driving. His primary doctor would not submit paperwork to Motor Vehicles to request a driving review because he felt it eroded the patient/doctor trust.
Maybe Ohio has something similar to what New York has. In New York State there is a form anyone can fill out and submit to DMV reporting someone as an unsafe driver. The driver gets called in for an evaluation, and never knows who reported them.
They either pass or have their license revoked. My brother sent in the paperwork reporting Dad. We planned to tell Dad he was a randomly chosen driver over age 90 that DMV was testing. (Perfect example of a therapeutic lie!) But by the time he got the letter requesting the evaluation, Dad was too far gone to go to the appointment. Two weeks later we got a letter stating his license was revoked because he missed the appointment.
Finally, it sounds like there is a lot going on with both your parents. It's time to start looking into hiring aides or looking at facilities. Hiring an aide now, before you get to the point of desperation, will help you choose wisely.
Best of luck to you.
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My 95 year old parents, have refused to go to a facility, period in capitol letters. Mom says it will kill her-implying if we make that happen we will be responsible for her death. Guilt trip. One of many. At least they both gave up driving-including dad after he fell in a parking garage-2 good samaritans got him up-Dad did not drive after that. Dad has dementia, parkinson's, falls, needs help with 3 ADL. Now has catheter requiring daily attention, plus pacemaker.

Mom is a tad better physically but also a fall risk-5 times in one month, but also in denial about dad's health/decline. Mom now more forgetful as she is stressed with in home care-new faces and attitude every day. I am gathering info about the best facility in my area-we have mentioned many times over the last couple years-Mom says yes she would go if dad were to pass. But nothing in place for the immediate future and don't want to wait till a crisis, while knowing I can not force the issue. I will not spend any more time on trying to sort this out for them-offer the info and see if it takes. I can not do any more than that. I am not POA, really don't want to be either as I am POA for sis who has LBD in a nursing home.

Several of their doctors have said the home care situation is no longer safe....they/she will not listen to them either.
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SeniorStruggles Sep 2020
I'm no expert, @Medicaidmaze20, but my two cents is this: you've done all you can. They want to live their lives the way they've lived them. Please try not to blame yourself. You've done your bit. Rest in that.
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It sounds like something is amiss with your father too. Sometimes, there is more than denial. When one spouse ignores the safety and welfare of their spouse, the public and themselves, they may also be suffering cognitive decline. I’d try to connect with their doctors, to at least establish a connection. Have they signed any POA and Healthcare POA? Regardless, I’d consult with an Elder Law attorney immediately. They can explain the process for filing to get the legal authority to make necessary decisions for your parents and to to protect their health and welfare. With dementia, a person often loses the ability to gauge their competence and abilities. Reasoning doesn’t work. You may be able to get her doctor to notify DMV or you might report her for an examination, however, even if her license should be revoked, she might still continue to drive without a responsible person to take the car and prevent that from happening.

It also sounds like she needs continuous supervision around your ailing father. I’d try to info from the attorney about what evidence you need, time involved, etc, At least you’ll know what to prepare for. Many people with dementia protest and don’t just accept help.

I’m not sure what a memory clinic is either. A senior daycare? Sadly, dementia is brain damage that is normally not reversible, so, it can’t be repaired, but, I’m no medical professional. You can ask her doctor about it.
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SeniorStruggles Sep 2020
I also think that old guys don't want their wife, aka their life support system, to be disabled. The specter of inconvenience is too great! I know three old men (not relatives) whose wives are suffering mental or physical decline right now and EVERY one of them tells me long stories of how inconvenient it is for them, how they have to cook or do laundry or whatever. These guys are all in their late 70s/mid 80s, so they came from a generation of gender roles, when men learned to be takers. It's super sad. He may be fine mentally, just typical for his era. **OBVIOUSLY** I don't mean all men of that generation, but in my observation, a majority.
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Dear "mleew088,"

Welcome to the AgingCare forum!

The first thing I did when my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's at the age of 89 was take away the car keys and put a steering wheel lock on it. However, the fact that your father is in denial is not good as this will hinder anything you and your siblings will want or try to do. Please tell your father there could be a liability against your family if your mother were to get in an accident and either injure or kill someone while you/your dad knowingly allowed her to drive with an Alzheimer's diagnosis.

Next, your family needs to make sure all the appropriate forms are filled out i.e. Power of Attorney, I have a Durable Power of Attorney as well, Living Will/End of Life Care, Healthcare Power of Attorney, Mental Health Power of Attorney and Financial Power of Attorney. I also have a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) form and Advanced Directives in place as "MJ1929" mentioned.

I don't know what a memory clinic is unless you mean a memory care unit at a long term care facility which is where my mom is as of May. She was living in a regular Assisted Living Facility for the last five years.

I would start with your local "Area of Aging Agency" and speak with a social worker who can give you some guidance which is where I started back in 2014. Once you get one resource going, it becomes like a domino affect and one source leads to another and so on. Since your parents are not receptive, you and your siblings could do it on your own as far as gathering information so you don't wait for a crisis to happen - expect the unexpected so to speak.

Also, you could call the "Alzheimer's Association" 24/7 hotline at 800-279-3900.

I wish you and your family well in your decision making going forward!
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dogparkmomma Sep 2020
Memory care clinic is a specialized dept where they provide testing to determine diagnosis, and make recommendations for ongoing care. The testing can help determine true level of impairment.
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It sounds like you and your siblings may be jumping the gun and trying to fix everything for your folks. Back off for now -- they're dealing with a scary diagnosis and it sounds like your mom is cognizant enough to understand what it is.

The only real concern I'd have is her driving. It's really difficult to take away someone's independence, but it's also dangerous for someone with memory issues to drive. Make sure the car has ID for her in the glove box, and gently try to encourage your dad to work toward not having her drive. She doesn't have to give up the keys today -- just keep an eye on it.

I'd say at this point your folks are doing OK. You'd be better off to just be available to help out when they need it rather than trying to leap in and take charge. I've never heard of a memory clinic, but think about what you think that would accomplish. Are you seeking a cure? (There isn't one.) Are you seeking an actual diagnosis? What do your parents want, because they still sound competent to make their own decisions.

The best thing to do is ensure your folks have their estate paperwork in place. Do they have a trust, power of attorney, advance medical directive and wills? They need to, and you can bring up that topic by taking care of those things yourselves with your own spouses.

Let your folks take the lead here.
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Mleew088 Sep 2020
I guess I wasn’t really clear. My mom was diagnosed 3 years ago. So we’ve let my parents take the lead for a while. Three weeks ago my father was hospitalized in critical care for 11 days. He is home now and I’ve taken a leave of absence from my job to take care of him because my mother can’t physically (or mentally) take care of him. She has almost mixed up his medications, insists he climbs stairs to sleep in his own bed (which he can’t do) she even comments on removing his Foley catheter because she “use to be” a nurse. Even through all of this, my father refuses to believe that her dementia is really becoming an issue. I do feel like there is not much I can do but sit back and watch everything unfold. Oh yeah, the memory clinic is through the University of Cincinnati and is an amazing facility that offers more than just neurologists. They offer psychologists, financial advice, social workers, support groups, etc. Even though I know they can’t cure her, they maybe able to help in other ways.
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