Thank you for anyone taking time to read me. It feels so strange writing about something so personal yet so impactful in my life right now. My mother has always been a bit difficult/hard but we had a very close relationship. (just her and I, no dad - no sibling). She is now over 80 and is more confrontational, harsh and "poor me" than ever. Always getting into conflicts with neighbours/strangers/store clerks/hospital staff etc and saying nasty things about people. She is losing her vision slowly (MacDeg) and this breaks my heart.
We are going through a very difficult time mother-daughter relationship wise for the last years, and very recently with her lodging circumstances. I am helping her day and night with her challenges (no sleep, missing work, logistics research and help, spending money I don't have) and what I find incredibly difficult is how harsh and impatient she is with me and how everything is the poor me attitude about everything that happens, focusing on miniscule things when the main factors are so positive and comfortable. She is even starting to give me lectures on how she did everything for me and I should be grateful etc. and everyone is bad except her and mentions her life not being worth living, which is horrifying for me to hear but loops back to patterns of frustrations for both of us. I have to accept that it might be early dementia but I feel like it is more herself coming out 10 fold. I don't know how to navigate this and find myself not liking who and how she is and losing my empathy for her which is causing guilt and doubt in myself.
Thank you for listening and not judging and I hope that I can find support somehow. I am in the process of growing my family with a soon to be conceived baby and hope to decrease the stress and anxiety while continuing to help her as much as I can.
I believe it's crucial that any unborn child have a chance to gestate in a peaceful, calm, happy environment. It may sound wrong, but your first responsibility is to the future life, not the one that is nearing its end. I had three children and difference between the first two and then the horrible time I was going through when pregnant with the third dramatically affected her lifelong personality, I believe. (There's research on that!)
I truly hope you find a way to nurture, care for, prioritize and love yourself, your partner, your life and your future baby, despite having been raised by a woman who devalued you all your life, it sounds like, and who has always had a bit of tyrant in her.
I think the part that is most difficult for me is to accept that she might have been more difficult than I had realized her whole life, and now it’s exponential and exploding in my face. She gave me a great life and did so much for me but it doesn’t change how unpleasant she gets. I also have to accept that whatever I do, logistically or emotionally to help her, will not fix how she feels inside and therefore will not make her softer or grateful. Because of a emergency repair at her apartment 2 weeks ago, we had to pack everything of hers and leave, I arranged for her to be in a wonderful hotel until I find something else for her. Because she is very independent and mobile I can find a regular apartment but I feel she will always have someone
to pick and argument with. I have sincere empathy for how big this ordeal is for her and I try to make it as easy as possible but we are always really close to fighting often and she gets very hard and doesn’t let anyone talk. She spent 2 days in the hospital last week and complained the whole time how horrible they were. I truly don’t know how to manage it. I hate the feeling of not liking her and her behaviour. I know I will be devastated for a very long time when it’s her time to pass but find our relationship for last few years toxic and completely draining. She is mentioning not having much to live for anymore because of the eviction and I find this so sad yet frustrating. I never felt such a strange equal mix of anger and sadness. I want her to have a happy end of her life but I don’t think I can bring that to her.
Thank you again for all your amazing replies, I read every single one many times.
support for things like this. I’m sorry to read about your dad. Must be so hard on your mother too.
Merely inform her that her attitude is abusive and will not be tolerated. There will be no more communion between the two of you until she apologizes.
Then, the ball is in her park. Either she grows up or faces the consequences.
Understanding how many of us are out there, really helped me to start looking at the situation a little differently. Maybe writing your issues and reading others' issues and solutions can help you to. Getting the perspective of so many is a strong tool.
Hang in there, and take each day anew. Hopefully an new little one might calm your mom down. Everyone love babies, they are truly precious.
Take care of yourself every day. God Bless
just always needs to know what you are doing when helping her?
very recently. Although I am starting to think she is naturally difficult. More than I realized when I was younger.
start doing that. What is it that you don’t like about her personality, was it always there ? Thanks for your time
I no longer have to have a long conversation with my parent. I just say, I'm not playing the mean game and she knows what I'm talking about. Sometimes a few tears, but always apologies at bedtime. We both go to sleep with resolution for the day.
When you start to feel overwhelmed by the emotions of your own frustrations and distaste for what your mother is becoming, please take the time to step back, take some deep breaths and get a little time for yourself. You don't mention your mother's care arrangements. If possible, do not live with your mother, nor let her live with you. You will be happier if you can go home after your visit and get a decent night's sleep. When I am with my mother and she goes into a complaining mood I simply say something like "It seems like you are having a bad day. Why don't I go home and let you get a little rest. I'll see you again on Tuesday." I have encouraged my sisters to do the same thing. Together I think we are having a little impact, decreasing the number of times Mom takes out her frustrations on us. However, my Mom does not have dementia. It may not be the same for someone with dementia. The same principle applies, though. Try to separate yourself from your mother when she complains to you.
Remember, you do have a life of your own and you ARE entitled to live it. Your care for your mother is secondary to your care for yourself, your own home and your own family.
Also, please think about keeping the frustrations and upsets that come with caring for your mother from your other relationships. If you feel you must vent, vent here. Preserve the tenderness and love in your other relationships very carefully because you will need your loving relationships to sustain you.
Good luck, and hugs.
And welcome to the site! Sometimes you just need to vent!
Take a step back and evaluate just how much time you spend with your mom is healthy time. Your health and family need not suffer. As daughters we want to do everything for our mothers but realistically this is not possible. You need good supports in place.
Make sure your mom is safe and avoid explaining to her that you need to step back. She likely won’t understand. I’m in your situation somewhat and it’s difficult. Hugs!!
The people here seem to have a handle on what that looks like. For sure, take time to ponder their wisdom. (I'm new too!)
From time to time, I have to have the talk with my mom. Very independent all of her life, raised 5 kids mostly on her own, worked every day outside the home, sacrificed all personal fun/activities while raising kids. However, the ability to be a little snippy was always under the surface. Several of her kids also had the snippy gene, so they could lock horns more often than I did with her because I wasn't going to get in to it with her over petty crap. After a couple of health issues, I ended up being with her 24/7.
Because of bad knees she can't get out and about like she used to. Very limited mobility. Constantly picking the scab, as I call it, off of someone else's issues. Ex: Two siblings don't talk to each other. One visits and will be asked how the other sibling is doing. Really???? Why open that wound? Or, it's time for a family get together - "How are we going to handle that?". To nip it in the bud so I don't have to rehash the whole thing, I just say "invite both and let them figure it out".
There's tons more of examples of scab picking and some can get more on the mean side. So, when I've had enough, I remind her that I'm not playing the mean game with her and point out what she says is hurtful. You need to do the same. You explain all of the things you are doing for her and just a tiny bit of consideration or appreciation would work much better for her. You'll probably get a few tears, but you have to make it clear (assuming she understands the conversation and there's not a dementia issue that would prevent comprehension), Point blank ask what might make her happier, offer some things she might be interested in doing - may or may not give you some insight. When she says something hurtful, don't argue. Just point out 'well, that was mean/hurtful/etc' and let those words seep in. You might also tell her if she's that unhappy with your help, there are places that might do a better job for her.
You said lodging circumstances are an issue and spending money you don't have. If she is living beyond her means and you're financing it, you need to resolve that quickly. What will happen when a baby comes along and you really can't afford things outside your own household/family? Have that conversation for sure.
If discussions aren't working (and she understands), then just don't engage in the conversations where she is being hurtful to you. Hard as heck to do, but she needs to see and understand that hurtful words will result in you 'coming back later when she is in a better mood - or - when she is over her mean streak. This whole caregiving thing is hard enough without adding a plateful of nastiness.
From time to time, I have to have the talk with my mom. Very independent all of her life, raised 5 kids mostly on her own, worked every day outside the home, sacrificed all personal fun/activities while raising kids. However, the ability to be a little snippy was always under the surface. Several of her kids also had the snippy gene, so they could lock horns more often than I did with her because I wasn't going to get in to it with her over petty crap. After a couple of health issues, I ended up being with her 24/7.
Because of bad knees she can't get out and about like she used to. Very limited mobility. Constantly picking the scab, as I call it, off of someone else's issues. Ex: Our neighbor's car leaves. She's probably going to see her 'boyfriend' (even though mom knows b'friend dumped her), At first I would remind her there is no boyfriend, but now I say 'she probably is'. The next sentence is 'you said they broke up'. Ahhh, so you did remember. I have discovered my sister does the exact same thing
I had a mother that was very much self centered, do it only my way, now, or else. However kind to anyone outside the home. After Dad passed away suddenly at age 66 she became more of a handful. I was 35, married, working part time, with two children. She threatened suicide almost non stop, in her depression. 10 phone calls a day was the normal, even to me at work. Not only dealing with my own depression with the loss of my dear father, my family life and job, I had her amplified problems. It drove me to the edge of a nervous breakdown. I immediately knew I had to do something. I needed to step back from allowing her demanding ways to over take my life, wether she knew she was doing it or not. I needed her to handle her own life and hopefully her suicide threats were not going beyond that. She would not ever go for treatment. I started letting her phone calls go on the answering machine. I told her how busy I was, children, job, etc. But I would be available to grocery shop with her or what ever she needed on, Tuesday or what ever day I was free. That worked out. I just had to give myself breathing room and let her live her life. The only sibling I have lives 600 miles away.
Many years later I did become her caregiver as Alzheimers over took her. She still was a handful but I had long before learned how to deal with her demanding personality on top of Alzheimers.
One thing I have learned through all of my 79 years of life and now caregiver for my husband of 60 years, with Alzheimers, it’s HOW WE react to things they say or do. Most of the time, do not react.
Could it be dementia your mother has, possibly. Or just her personality being amplified in old age, because she has gotten away with it so long. Let’s face it, either way, we can not change them, only how we allow it to affect us and our lives.
You are young and have hopes and dreams. Don’t loose that focus. Sorry our Mothers did not or are not acting like we wish they would, or would have, but that is/was them. I am sure you love her, as did I. My mother always knew I was there for her and would do anything for her, but she could not run my life.
I hope my sharing this with you will be of help.
If I am way off base, sorry. But I have a feeling you have been taking care of your mom’s emotional needs way before she got to old age. You are torn because you feel the responsibility to help her physical needs but want to live your middle age (as your mom probably did hers). Learning to set some healthy boundaries without giving in to the guilt will not be easy.
Last tests revealed my cancer was back and at stage 3b. I treated again and I am doing okay with further treatment, but I had to let my mother exist as best she can or she will be better off in a nursing home. She still lives on her own at 94 yrs old, but she is on hospice. They have been a big help to me and to her. I am not as vigilant as I once was because it only made me sick. I still see her everyday, but I am not as anxious about her happiness as I once was. She has to be the one to make her life happy the way it stands now. I have been her care-taker for almost 10 yrs now. So, it can quickly take the air out of your life if you get too involved. Don’t feel guilty! It is your survival instincts telling you that you won’t have a life if you are not careful.
My wife is bipolar and narcissistic. Nobody and nothing is ever good enough. No mater how hard I have tried, she always complains. We have a 17 Y/O son who is special needs and she can never thank or compliment him. We can always say just take it like "water off a ducks back" but sometimes it cuts so deep that we just want to run away and never come back.
We have 56 hours a week help provided by the insurance company to help keep her out of the hospital or LTC. The problem is finding good help that is willing to work that my wife can get along with. Right now I am using about 40 hours a week of that help. I need more but the agency we have to go through can't replace them fast enough to keep up with my wife.
I love my wife but often I do no LIKE her.
This week she was also diagnosed with Advanced Vascular Dementia. At least now she has a reason for her anger, and other outbursts.
If I didn't have a strong faith in God there is no way I could do this! We have a great connection with our small group who take good care of my son and I if we need it. Meals, visits with my wife and second most important a listening ear with the most important: prayer.
It is said on this forum all the time that some people can be caregivers, and that others can't. And that refers to those of us who don't live with these elders. I did not like being expected to and having to be the one who had to deal with her needs (and wants and demands), and even though I set boundaries, it was difficult emotionally for me and I resented her and the entire situation.
Perhaps you are thinking of the martyrs and the ones who preach that we must do everything for our elders. There are some of them on this forum. But there are so many others who do not believe that. Many here believe that our lives matter, too. We are not bad people if we value our physical and emotional health.
So...do you have any siblings? That's always my question at some point, because it added an important layer to my resentment, since my brothers were idolized and I was demonized...while *I* was the one who was involved and they weren't.
You may have to battle with your mother for the forseeable future, but being able to tell someone about it, as you can do on this forum, will help let off steam.
Welcome.
Mom had dementia, I took care of her for 8 years. The first three years were very challenging and frustrating.
Mom gave me alot of resistance. Everything I did was wrong. And I was starting to feel resentment. Not understanding that mom was a private woman, and very independent all her life.
I lose my mom only 3 months ago.
I saw my mom take her last breath! Right in her room. Since I wanted to care for her in our home and that gives me satisfaction that I made it through the end. It was not easy and if it wasn't for the grace of God and my faith I would have gotten a stroke, that's how stressed out I was.
What I'm trying to say is get the facts on your mom’s diagnose, pray to The Lord for strength, patience and love to help you through this journey.
So when your mom passes you won't have that many regrets.
Hang in there and no matter what she says or how she conducts herself in which she has no control over it.
Take a big deep breath, go for a walk call a friend and continue to vent here.
In the end, you will feel good about yourself with very little regrets.
mom for 6 months, placing my life on hold to care for her and Mothier and nothing is good enough for her. She’s unhappy but I can’t bring her happiness. She’s just angry at everything but uses me as her punching bag. I am not confrontational but if pushed, I’m not afraid to speak but with mother...I don’t say anything as her tongue is sharp! So I’ve just stayed away from her for the past theee weeks and good thing I cut my finger, so I have an excuse to not do some things. I had gotten to the point you are and I just can’t do it anymore! I’ve put more miles on my car in 6 months taking her to dr appointments than I did in 2 yrs before she moved in. We purchased a bigger home giving her 2 bedrooms to accommodate her but that isn’t good enough! Yesterday, I hired a caregiver for 4 hrs a day 3 times a week! I was getting to the point I really don’t like her and a mother daughter relationship should not be like that. Good luck
You need to start looking now for a place where your mom can live and be taken care of.
No one wants to leave their home but if you can't afford Care which is expensive, the only choice left is to move into a Senior Home.
Check with her Insurance and see what she has available.
My 96 yr old Dad started ladt year with 24 7 Care and his savings is going fast using it all for 24 hr Care.
He wants to continue to stay in his own home and that's understandable and I plan to make that happen.
Next step is to look for a Live in as it would be about 1/4 of what is being paid now.
Whike your mom still has a mind, you need to let her see a few facilities to choose one and let her know this needs to be done within the next gmfew months because once gmthe baby comes, you won't have the time that she needs.
Prayers
No matter whatever her diagnoses, remember that your responsibility is to help mom stay safe and healthy. Balance that with making sure you maintain whatever you need to care for yourself. It seems you need help since you are missing sleep, missing work, and spending money you don't have. Please talk to your mother's doctor about an appointment to pinpoint her diagnoses and start treating them.
When it came time that my mother couldn't remain in her own place (tried bringing in aides, just 1hr/day, to be increased when needed, to get her used to them, but that didn't last! She refused to let them in), I made the decision to find a nice facility for her (MC for dementia.) We CAN still love someone even if we can't take care of them ourselves. In doing it this way, one can retain a loving mother-daughter relationship and take the care-giving, nurse maid out of the picture! You can visit often, take her out sometimes (post-virus), call, bring gifts, etc. Then your visits would be QUALITY time with her, rather than doing everything else.
So, in your case, there are questions:
1) Has she been deemed incompetent?
2) Do you have POAs (Medical and Financial)?
3) Does she live in her own home, your home, apartment?
The answers are important to help give advice.
If she's not competent and you have POAs, you can work on getting her into a facility (NOTE: POAs do not allow you to force her to move - but that's getting ahead of the game.)
If she's not competent and you DON'T have POAs, you will most likely need to secure guardianship. Sometimes in early stages they can still be deemed okay to sign the documents.
If she's in her own home and can be moved to facility, the house can be sold to help pay for it.
If she's in apartment or your place and/or doesn't have enough income, you'd have to shoot for Medicaid.
Whatever the case, given your job AND your life are in jeopardy AND you plan to start a family, there isn't any way you can continue to provide the care she NEEDS while working and raising a family. It's not easy when one isn't raising a family and/or still working, but it's even more difficult for someone like you who will be doing both.
You should probably start exploring options. Check out facilities. Check on bringing in help (Medicaid can sometimes provide limited funds for care-givers, and Medicare might as well, if she is homebound and requires help with self-care such as bathing and toileting.) Find local EC attys who offer an initial free consult. Have all questions written up before hand and take notes! They can discuss POAs, wills, guardianship and most likely Medicaid.
Her assets/income should be used to pay for care-givers, facility, EC atty, etc, but if she is low income and/or the house doesn't have enough equity, have that on your list for the attys.
FWIW: My son, at the time about age 7, one time told me that he could be really angry with me and not even like me anymore, but he would never stop loving me!!! Pretty awesome thought processing and sharing it from such a young'un!