I've been on agingcare.com all the time and know that many of these issues have been addressed. But I have no hope. I had a total nervous breakdown and was almost suicidal a few weeks ago. I can't go on. Numerous issues:
-Impossible parents have caused two accidents recently. My family and I took away the keys but Dad fought it, tried to sneak them from caregivers, called the DMV, Police, did not accept his liability even though he was proved to be at fault, threatened to call injured parties. He falls asleep often, even at the wheel. If we sabotage the car he said he will buy another one. We reported them to the DMV already. At this very moment they could cause another accident or even kills someone. They have impaired judgment about everything.
-Mom has dementia, mid-stage. Both of them are in denial about it.
-Both of them are very stubborn and only drive 1.5 hour each way to their herbalist who is not really a Primary Care Physician. You cannot force someone to make proper medical decisions.
-We spent months of stress to get them into a perfect AL. Dad sabotaged the plan once, then we got them there and they lasted only a week and have moved back to their dangerous, decaying house. Dad was adjusting but stuck in a small room with a dementia wife was suffocating. If we separated Mom into MC then my dad would have a chance to improve away from her madness. I know you cannot force anyone into AL against their will without a guardianship. The AL was month to month so they could walk away.
-They will probably not accept or dismiss any home care givers. They have always wanted to do things their own way and on their own but now they do things dangerously.
-Guardianship has been filed but know they are far too competent at this point.
-Elder care paralegal says there's not much to do but to let it all get worse before it can get better so they will accept care. I'm starting to HATE that phrase. What does that mean? Let them kill someone on the road by driving, have a stroke, fall, constant ER visits, $ bankruptcy and endless other possibilities?
I am just not strong enough to deal with them and did my very best last year. I have tons of support and resources and even the good people at the AL couldn't get them to stay. I can't face the endless years of madness and dementia ahead. My body already crashed and am still suicidal and live in existential terror of what may happen. I am seeing a therapist. I need to save my life over theirs? Is that wrong to want to live? How can I walk away? It's terrible but I'm honest. I am not willing to live with them for years on end. Reading all the posts, I don't think you can.
Maybe you shouldn't assume that you'll come undone if there's one more moment of your parent's madness. You might actually be stronger and better off than you think so don't work yourself up in advance of something happening.
All you can do is to do what you can. Then walk away. Let the state take it from there. If your father is so out of it that he can't even have his BP taken the state will put him in a care facility along with your dementia mother. They will get no say in it.
Let the state take over. As you know whatever money, assets, or property they have will go towards their facility care bill. That's what happens. Your health is more important than a potential inheritance.
You can get an evaluation from Agency on Aging for your state. They can see what services are needed and are a wealth of resources and information.
This is very hard and you have to put yourself first without any guilt. They have had their time and you should place the appropriate value on your own life and not exchange it for theirs!
People will make it a habit of placing you in a position where you will feel obligated to helping. You will be taking on more and more of their responsibilities, and your life will fade into the background.
I don't know what your parents were like before they got in this position and how they treated you during their lifetimes. What caretakers need to realize is how to balance their lives and what they can afford to do without stripping their life of essentials, such as savings, jobs, time and energy that we need for ourselves. There are only so many hours in a day. Do not give up your job to stay home. It will not work out well for you in the long run taking care of sick parents 24/7.
I have begun to envision her as "Jason" from Friday the 13th. You know, at the end, when the surviving teenagers think they have him whipped and their nightmare is over, then he springs up in the background and comes back at them with a knife.
I am choosing my life over hers. I cannot come to her rescue anymore. She may end up killing someone with her driving, getting scammed of all of her money, etc. No parent should ever do this to a child. I am positive the younger version of my parents would never want this to be how it ended up. What they had to do for their elders pales in comparison to what I have been stuck with, and they resented every minute of it.
I am terrified for my future. I had a consultation with a lawyer to find out my rights & responsibilities. I wish I could send this message back in time to my parents: "Mom, dad, in 2020 I am going to have to consult with a lawyer on how to protect myself from you (mom)".
I know guardianship is not the path I can take, or is even feasible at this time. I cannot make her stay in AL. I slept so well knowing she was "contained". Now she will be on the loose again. I keep hoping there will be a fall with a broken bone, something, something to stop all of this and make her stay in AL. Once again the freight train is coming at me and it's just as scary as it was when this whole thing started in about 2010.
What I have found is that over the years, they have become very reliant on me, and I have tried to make them happy by including them in everything that I do with my family.
Over the last 4 years, whatever I do causes backlash. It was very hard for me, but I have realised that I am not responsible for their happiness, especially at the expense of my own.
I have felt much happier at stepping away, but it isn't easy, my dad is saying he's had a stroke, although he's still driving. He has a blocked artery stopping the blood flow to the eyeand is booked in for surgery
I think what I am trying to say is live your life to the best you can, your parents have had a life, like mine have. They will always be there with problems and could live many more years.
Good luck, hope your health improves.
Several years ago, I was in a book store and saw a book on the shelf that almost threw itself into my arms. The name of the book is: The Highly Sensitive Person.
I bought it, read it thoroughly, underlining as I went along. Not everything applied to me, but SO much of it did, and it gave me great insight and also validation. Many times I've wanted my husband and kids to understand me and read the book, but none of them care enough, especially my husband.
I would like to encourage you to get the book too. It might help on some level.
I will NEVER have my mom live with us, there is no way I could endure that either, but now my husband is showing signs of slight mental decline, so of course I'm not very encouraged about how my future is shaping up.
I agree with disabling the car somehow. Did you know you can actually go on Amazon and buy a car boot? I'd be tempted to put one on and then leave an anonymous note on the window saying, "Because you are too dangerous to be driving."
You're gonna have to take a step back and let it hit the ground. You have attempted to help them and they don't want it. It's hard to do with people you love, but it has to happen. I had to walk away from an alcoholic father for the same reason. You cannot make sense of insanity.
You could write a letter to the BMV and let them know that your parents are not mentally sound and that they should be brought in for a driving test. That's how I got moms drivers license taken away. Then if they continue to drive without a license and they get into an accident or pulled over, the law/courts will get involved. Basically you're waiting until they corner themselves and have no other resource other than to go into a facility. Adult Protective Services is another phone call you can make just to let them know that your parents are endangering themselves. I know this is hard for you and I am not attempting to make light of the situation. Your stress and worry is not solving their issue and it is causing you harm.
Their lives are falling apart and they are going to fight to try to maintain control of it, no matter how crazy that sounds. Other than alerting the authorities about their situation, you're going to have to let it play out. If you have a type A personality like I do, it is going to be very difficult for you to do, but you have to keep yourself healthy so that when the s*** hits the fan and it will, you are available to help them however you can.
I no longer feel she’s my mother.
She continues to harm me and my family with no remorse.
I can’t wait to be free of this bondage.
Get out while you can.
You have receive much good advice and guidance here. Make sure you anyone you contact about this situation - i.e., the police, the state, their doctor, etc, that this is all done in writing (either snail mail certified or email with a notification that the email has been viewed) so that there is a 'trail of proof' for you.
For sure recontact the DMV, the auto insurance company, the home insurance company, the local police, their doctor(s), and the State - including Adult Protective Services. Have a doctor declare, in writing, that your parents are unable to take care of themselves and make their own financial decisions. They don't have to be full out dementia - it sounds like they are not living in a 'safe home environment' (key words there). This opens the possibility that then POA an be given to a competent person to manage your folks affairs - whether it is you or another trusted family member. This letter is then provided to all agencies and to the bank, insurance companies, etc.
When my mother mixed up her meds and the result was that the local pharmacy had to call 911 because mother was at the pharmacy having a full anxiety attack (she forgot she took her pain meds and took too many along with forgetting to take her hi blood pressure pills, etc), the emergency room had to notify the state, and the state got Adult Protective Services involved. They scheduled a visit to come and 'chat' at which I was present because I set up the appointment. If you folks don't set up an appointment, APS could show up unannounced and your folks might not let them in. You want to be present so all the 'facts' are aired and APS fully understands the situation. And if the hospital doesn't call APS, YOU call them.
Take away al the keys to the car(s), disconnect the battery, render the alternator unusable, flatten all the tires - do whatever it takes to disable any vehicle so they cant drive it. Don't tell them, just do it.
Once you have done everything in your power, there is no more you can do. You cannot control them, nor can you change them - like ever. You have been as proactive as you possible can, and now set your boundaries. Do not engage in discussions or arguments with either parent - it doesn't help nor does it work - it just frustrates you further and stresses you out even more. If they call and start b*******, hang up. Do not engage. I know that is hard and they will probably be super pissed at and with you - but you have to now recoup your mental and physical health. No more jumping through hoops between tall buildings. You cannot do anymore, and must heal yourself.
Are the folks blowing up your phone day & night with 'urgencies'?
What specific tasks must you do for them this week?
Let's see if we can thinktank to offload some?
Call Adult Protective Service in your area, explain they are dangerous to themselves and others and have APS come see for themselves. Tell them, you have done everything possible to assist and they resist every turn. See if APS can get them evaluated and in turn, placed somewhere.
You’re right, you can’t make them, however if they are found to be a safety risk, I think APS should be able to get the ball rolling. It’s brutal and won’t be a good situation, but yeah, you really have no choice. Report them to APS and get out while you can. I know you don’t want to do that, but it sounds like you have no choice. Good luck & keep us posted.
We need help in supervising our parents. Once Dementia is in the mix we as children should have some sort of control and a law backing us up. If our parents were children, CPS would come in and take them away. Dementia makes them like children. We need laws in place to protect them and others around them. A car is a weapon and people have gone to jail for vehicular homicide.
I think by law a Dr. should be made to report to DMV any diagnosis of Dementia or any desease that would interfere with driving. Then its up to DMV to contact the person and have them come in for a driving test and eye test. This is followed up every 3 to 6 months. With a family member or designated person having the right to call if there are any changes in that time. If the person doesn't comply, then DMV revolks his licence until he does comply.
We can't help our parents if our hands are tied. And we can't be held responsible either. If our parents have rights in situations like this, then we cannot be held accountable when something drastic happens. Driving is a privilege not a right. You can legally take a drunk off the streets but you can't legally take a person whose brain is dying off the streets?
You may just need to walk away and wait for the disaster. You have tried everything with no help. So if something does happen you say "I tried and no one listened".
They need an older one who's experienced with this kind of behavior. One who knows how to put a stubborn senior in their place and how to keep them there for their own safety and everyone else's.
Now, you are in no fit condition to be handling any of it just right now because you need to take some time and have a rest.
Here's what you do for them. Pay a visit to the police department in the town they live in. Tell the cops that they have dementia and have caused car accidents, but the DMV is aware. Ask the police to do regular wellness checks on your parents because they are at-risk adults. The police department will report them to APS (Adult Protective Services) and to your state's department of social services. When the calls come in from the police these agencies get on the ball a lot faster than if it was a family member trying to get help.
Also, don't pay any mind to what a paralegal working for an elder law attorney has to say. Police, social workers, and healthcare professionals are who handle these kinds of situations. Not elder lawyers or their paralegals. Please talk to the police department. They will help you and will probably send a social worker to speak with you too. Then let the state take it from there. Good luck and please keep us posted.
it’s very difficult with difficult parents.
do your best for them AND you.
i agree with the post below by touchmatters:
—disconnect part of the car
—help yourself, your life
You change the keys on the chain so they do not work.
You put glue or something in the door / key hole to jam it (if it takes a key to open (mine doesn't).
You need to get out of this situation.
Your responsibility now is to yourself and healing yourself. If you do not have your health, what is left for you? Nothing. I believe you are writing us here for validation.
Your cries for support are validated.
You need to help yourself.
If you legally do not have any recourse, accept this and if you do not, I question why not? You matter. Just take care of the car per above instructions . . . / suggestion. Even if he buys a new one, take part of the engine away so he can't start it.
Sometimes, the police and/or DMV cannot do anything until an MD submits in writing they / your dad is incompetent and unable to drive a vehicle. Even if license is revoked, some people will drive anyway. Do both - from a distance. It is frightening to realize that some people with dementia - and many - are driving.
Take care of yourself. If you are suicidal, your therapist must take some action on your behalf for your safety. What does s/he say ? Do ? Advise ?
Your life depends on you letting go. Do you see this?
What is running you to continue to self-abuse?
Gena / Touch Matters