Mom had dementia and was in the late stages when she fell and broke her hip last Saturday. Unfortunately due to a variety of health issues she succumbed on Tuesday. She was 96 (Dad is 91) and I'm very fortunate that I had just spent 12 days with them, returning home last Friday. Of course I got back into the car and drove back up to be with him ASAP.
They've been in a nursing home since last Sept and the staff has been beyond wonderful. The thing is we are not a religious family nor are we a large family (twin brothers, me, no extended family at all) and there has been so much friction within the family with my older brothers. As a result, as of yet there has not been one word from either household to me as I plan a service befitting Mom.
I'm sure there are many people that would say I should be the bigger person and make contact with them to give my condolences but here's the thing. One brother didn't get along with Mom, the other has just taken my parents car for himself from out of the nursing home parking lot (3 weeks ago) after he and I specifically discussed the car and how 'Dad shouldn't lose his car and his wife in the same month. Just sit tight for now' (he agreed on a Thurs and by Friday he and his twin had arrived at the nursing home for the first time in months and taken the car. I found this out when I arrived for a 12 day visit earlier in the month)
And so since Tuesday at noon, I've gotten the news, booked an AirBnB, driven 9 hours alone to be here for Dad without having a chance to grieve and after I saw him yesterday I realize that his approach will be 'stiff upper lip' and let's get everyone to drive here next weekend (2 1/2 - 3 hours for them) watch her ashes be interned without wanting any ceremony or any family friends then have lunch. What a mess.
Today I have to take Dad to the crematorium and cemetery. Already I'm frustrated that all he's concentrating on is whether we can all go out for steaks. (fyi my mom would have hated this)
Has anyone got a) any suggestions on how I can help Dad without having to bottle up my own feelings and b) how to recognize my mom when none of these men seem to care about what she would want??
Thanks in advance.
As for the car, if dad is not driving, NH may have pushed for it to be moved.
And unfortunately the NH had no hand in the removal of the car so it only adds to the drama of the day. Ai yai yai..
That car is your Dads. Its going to be hard to register without Dads signature on the title.
I take that you are the only female, if that is not correct, forgive me. And what I say won't apply.
You will never have any reality with how males process their grief, their brains work differently than a female. Trying to get them to understand will just create frustration for you, they can't think like us either. Oh, we can get it but truly understand, nope.
Let the internment of mom and that day be for your dad, this is really about him and not your mom, she is beyond worrying about these things. Your 12 days was what momma wanted and you gave her that. Now for dad. Make the best of it, remember her with love and laughter, save your tears for a friend that will understand, not just get it or worse just tolerate it.
Your brothers are stinkers, but again, this is for dad. Give them the low down on date and time, location included. Then let it work out how it works out.
I would try to honor mom by reminiscing about the times you were all a happy family, not the present nonsense. Think of the crazy stuff you all did to make mom crazy, think of family times that made mom laugh, think of the sweet things dad did for mom and bring them up at the dinner.
Hugs, this is hard, but you will be okay.
Yup, they're stinkers but once upon a time we were a nice little family. Fortunately I thought to bring the old family pics with me from NY when I drove up so I'm carefully sifting thru them to create a funeral program of sorts. With luck I'll be able to create something that represents who we have been to each and it will give my brother's something to reflect upon after the service. She was a strong woman who did not suffer fools so I have a great role model and I'll get through this.
So here's my biggest challenge and honestly it's all good as long as Dad's okay it's more a matter of attempting to use this last opportunity to draw our little family together. My brothers and I have not been in the same room at the same time for over 20 years. They have each only met my husband once in our 15 years of marriage. This isn't due to some long standing fights, more due to the strain one brother always put on Mom and her desire to not have the whole family visit at the same time. Each time hubby and I visited Mom and Dad preferred to have us 'to themselves' and I have many fond memories. I would say for the most part disinterest not anger has created this situation until it was necessary for me to take the lead and get Mom and Dad into LTC last fall. One brother was angry that I found a LTC in the same city that they had been living rather than staying with them and waiting for an LTC near him (3 year wait) From there the situation snowballed.
This funeral can be as small as it needs to be but I'm hoping that I can find some words that will shake these guys awake and not have any of us regretting how we memorialize Mom. Dad is already concerned that if I say a few words they may heckle me (seriously) and the concern is valid.
You're quite right the car situation must not be discussed when we are together, this is a day to remember kind lovely things about Mom and our time with her not the pettiness that has occurred in recent years. Thanks so much for responding.
Sometimes men "stuff their feelings," not because they don't have any or are ashamed of them, but because their feelings are so big and scary they don't know what to do with them. As women, we are allowed, even expected to bawl, wail, sob, nlubber, and collapse on the nearest strong male shoulder. But men don't get to do this. They swallow all that, and frankly, it makes them kind of sick and very uncomfortable.
So ... they want to do it in private, lest a tear, a sniffle or a moan escape and embarrass them. Dad would likely be mortified if you had a couple of your girlfriends show up without warning. He wants it to be a private, family affair because that's all he can handle.
A possible compromise? You and your girls show up early with the ashes . You tell them about your Mom. Remember, laugh and cry for half an hour. Lay flowers or whatever. Then have them leave as the men show up for a simple internment. Afterwards, have that steak donner, and then meet your girls again for a glass of wine or something.
Would that work?
There was a phrase I heard attributed to Winston Churchill: "when you're going through H*ll, keep going!"
It sounds as though your father wants this over and done with as little pain and formality as possible. He just wants to get through it.
You need something different; you want to mourn, and you want to celebrate your mother's life. You can do that, you know, independently of your menfolk.
This is aside but important: did your mother leave any instructions about her funeral?
I am sorry that your husband can't be with you, but all things happen for a reason. I hope his dad does well with surgery.
You are an inspiration for all of us. Your strength in the face of all this, pretty awesome.
May God grant you clear skies, calm winds and warm temps next Saturday.
Hugs!
When you're going through hard times, it's easy not to think.
I am estranged from my family of origin, for good reasons. My brother, although outwardly successful in life, is severely personality disordered (narcissistic personality disorder) and otherwise vice riddled. He is insanely jealous of me and treats me horribly. When my father died, I was who took the call from the hospice. I had the 'honor' of breaking the news to him as well as to everyone else on the list of people he wanted notified. Yes, my brother did come to the funeral and he behaved shamefully badly at it. Even though I could have predicted that he would behave badly, his father died and I thought that he should know and have the opportunity to be there, if he so choose.
If it is at all possible for you to bury the hatchet, do call your brothers. Let them know when the funeral / memorial is going to be. Don't do this via answering machine (other than, 'This is Bailey. I need to talk to you; it's very serious. My phone number is..." All you have to do is say, "I've got some very bad news. Mom died in the nursing home at.... Her memorial service is on .... at ...." Do what is reasonable so that they can go to the funeral / memorial ceremony if they choose. If they behave crappy at the funeral / memorial ceremony, bite your tongue.
People grieve in their own way. I shed a copious amount of tears when my governor / mentor died. He meant that much to me. I still mourn a little when I hear the song 'Our House' by Madness (it aptly described his digs...). On the other hand, I shed hardly a tear when my father died. There is no 'right' way to mourn. It's OK that, right now, he is holding it together as best as he can, being manly (as Western/Northern European cultures define it) and is showing the world a brave face.
My father said, 'Funerals / memorial ceremonies are for the living.' He did want one, because he cared about us. He wanted us to remember him, face the reality that he is no longer with us and grieve together. You clearly need the ceremony. Even though your father is being strong on the outside, I think a small, respectful, quiet ceremony would be helpful for him, as well. I'm sure there are people at the NH who would like to be there. Then, open up the wallet and have steaks!
Would your father mind if you helped him set-up, in a corner of his room, a nice picture of your mother, a simple LED 'candle', a bud vase and a single flower and maybe some things that bring up pleasant memories,? Let him choose what should be there--focus on the good times. It's helpful for those who live in the home, as well as those who care for him, to set up a small memorial. He can take it down when he doesn't need it anymore.
Be there for what happens next. There are many things that have to be done when someone dies (bills, Social Security, changing the title of various accounts, cars, real estate, etc). Yes, the NH probably has someone who will help him manage, but do offer to help. Once the funeral and the paperwork are done, that might be when it hits--when he's no longer busy, the weather is nice and now things are quiet.
The way you are writing makes me think you might be 'too well pshrunk'. This happens when people spend way too much time in long-term psychotherapy, where they (and the shrink) believe that you have to resolve all your 'issues' before you can leave. You sound like a 'bad' social worker--who believes that people should be all emotional, be visibly mourning and that not doing this means that there is something wrong.
My FIL took up with a woman before his wife of almost 50 years died! Said he just could not be alone. Forced this woman on us immediately after MIL's death. Was awful. Couldn't even grieve in peace. To make it worse, this woman was not a likable woman. She was extremely vain and wanted everyone to treat her like a queen! He removed all of our family photos, put up only her family photos. He would not allow us to say one word about MIL, not any good, happy memories, nothing at all. He wanted us all to act like she hadn't even existed. He asked the woman to marry him, she wasn't interested in marriage, said she did not want to mix up the money. She insisted on having her money from previous husband (deceased) all to herself. She insisted they live off of only his money. He moved her into his house 2 weeks after MIL died. Then they took off to a different state far away and he bought her a big house! He lost his mind. He had everyone fooled. He acted like he was so in love with MIL. Then this woman crawled out of the woodwork. She happened to work at the hospital that MIL died in. Wonder how many other men she targeted.
If he had met a woman at a more sensible time and fell in love again, we certainly would have been happy for him but he went a little nuts. Yep, he lined up this woman to be his new partner while MIL was dying. So sad.
The woman bragged how beautiful it was that she was there for him to cry on her shoulder the night his wife died. Made me sick! I was very close to my MIL. She was a lovely woman. She adored her husband, her children and grandchildren. I hope her spirit haunts them!