My drug addict aunt took my cancer ridden mother, doped her up, put her on hospice and won't let her go to the hospital, which my mother has always been super against bc she thinks this aunt /hospice killed their mother, won't feed her, keeps her over medicated and weak, etc, etc. She has a history of proxy muchensen syndrome but she's a nurse with crosses all over her house so the drs, nurses, social workers, police won't do anything even though my mom keeps saying that she wants to go to the hospital and her sister won't let her. It's insane. So far, lawyers just say stay off paper and grab your mom but she's very weak/starving and my aunt, her sister and husband would block us and call the police. What can I do?
I know we hate to lose our parents. My sweet MIL, who my husband and I took care of in our home, passed away a couple of weeks ago. The passing was a sweet relief of all her pain, but, oh, our grief is heavy. I am still trying to think what else could I have done, but we did not make a mistake with hospice. It made her last weeks so much better. She left us when she was ready, on her own time schedule. It was us who was not ready. I know I am going to seek counseling, and I suspect it might help you as well.
Call Adult Protective Services in your state today.
1. Your aunt cannot put her into hospice only a doctor can.
2. You will have to prove your aunt is addicted to drugs.
You need to have a talk with her oncologist and ask if there is anything else in terms of treatment that can be done. If the answer to that is no, then you need to ask whether heavy pain management, or full blown hospice should be the next move. You seem to be basing your preference on emotion when it should, for your mother's sake, be based on fact. If the oncologist tells you there's nothing more that can be done (you're free to get a 2nd opinion), then a good hospice is the best decision. This has nothing to do with your aunt or the fact that she's an addict.
You said your mom gave your aunt an "advance directive." Have you seen that document? It should be on file at the hospice. An advance directive is a document that details what level of life-sustaining treatment you want administered if you should become incapacitated and unable to care for yourself. If your mom filled one out, you should consult it to see what her wishes are. If you think your aunt pressured her to sign a false one, that's an issue you need to take up with adult protective services. Be prepared with proof.
Does your mom have a POA or Health Care Proxy? If so, the person or people she made POA and health care proxy are the people legally authorized to make decisions on her behalf. If she doesn't have those documents in place, and you want to be the one to make decisions for her, you would need to petition the court to make you her guardian. However, that is a lengthy and expensive process.
It sounds like you have a lot of work to do. It also sounds like you may not have been involved during your mother's illness. You need to decide if it's worth fighting this now or if the best thing to do is to spend precious time with your mother.
It sounds like you have a LOT of anger from years ago about your aunt. Her being a drug addict--be careful how you throw that term around. You don't live in her body and you don't know her pain.
I'm sorry you feel that hospice hastened a loved one's death. It can seem that way--but do you honestly WANT your mother to live in the pain she must have with cancer throughout her body?
Try and spend as much time as you can with your mother--leave your anger at the door--and see how well the pain and indignity of dying can be handled so sweetly and with such compassion.
I'm sorry for your anger--but it sounds like you are not a "voice" in mom's care. And just to add--many people in Hospice care are there because they can no longer swallow --and if Mom's AD says "no tube feeding, no IV's for fluids", then yes, she would be "starving". I'm sorry to be blunt, but that is a fact. I do wish you to find peace, somehow.
Just a question? If ur Mom doesn't trust this Aunt why does the Aunt have any say. Where r u Mom's children? Just curious.
If Mom is on hospice care, two doctors have stated in writing that she is in the final stage of her disease. Note that is two doctors -- not her sister!
Visit your mom. Comfort her. Show your love. Leave your anger at the door. Cherish the time mom has left, and use it wisely.
How much does she mean to you. If she means the world, then money is no object.
Do you know why she gave an advance directive for your Aunt?
Is your mother depressed. Has she had enough?
If she gave an advance directive for your aunt, she must have had her reasons. You don't have to agree with them, and you may not think it's fair.
Have you and your mother had a difficult past relationship that could have affected this decision.