Does your parent seem to dog you out for not remembering every detail?
I hung up on mom today and feel bad. Seems she wants to point out everything that everyone else has done wrong in their life but never thinks she deserves the same treatment. She gets upset when my siblings voice their opinion on how she could have done things differently. Last week she was waiting on the doc to schedule (HMO) her mammo and when I asked today about when the appt is she lit into me about how I don't remember things and perhaps I need to go to the doc. She had a rather large pothole at the end of her street. She said my other sister was going to call the news station to report it. I asked her if she'd reported it to the city she said no, it wasn't her responsibility. I called the city right then and they set up a case number for it. 5 days later, after she scolded me about not remembering her mammo she said the hole is fixed. Lord have mercy on me because I asked what hole? Here we go again about my failing memory. When I tried to speak again she did the la-la thing like a kid does and would not stop. I hung up on her for fear of me telling her stop acting like a baby. I immediately called her back, knowing what I did was disrespectful and acted like the phone must have disconnected. I'm not sure how to handle this. This isn't the first time she's tuned me out by doing the la-la thing and it infuriates me. I don't allow my 12 year old to do that why should my mother be allowed? I guess I'm just aggravated and needed to vent.
"Mom, when you're done singing, give me a call back." Click.
Every.single.time.
Mrsprim, I'm sure it's in no way amusing from your point of view but from this safe distance your mother is a hoot. Wow! Gosh I hope I'll be that uninhibited in years to come..!
But seriously, I don't think this is a matter of your being just aggravated - your mother is behaving like a brat. An ungrateful brat, at that. As you say, you wouldn't let your 12 year old pull that kind of stunt on you. So how come you're even entertaining the idea that it could be excusable in a competent adult? It just isn't.
How did you feel while you were in the act of hanging up? Angry? Relieved? Bit of both?
There's an interesting point of semantics, here. "Hanging up" sounds like a punitive, aggressive thing - as you say, disrespectful - to do. So instead, how does "ending the call there" sound? We'll end it there, and come back to the subject later. Doesn't that sound like an entirely reasonable and sensible thing to do when your mother is clearly not up to having a grown-up discussion at that particular time?
I think Pam is right, and it is for your mother to apologise, but I suspect that for now anyway that would just make you too anxious and wouldn't work. What I'd recommend instead is that you do call her back to continue any necessary discussion, but at a time that is convenient to you. And if your mother calls you, mouthing off about how dare you hang up on me etc etc, then you calmly say you are tired of her being so rude to you and you won't listen to it. There's the rule for you: rudeness = terminate the conversation, to be continued when it suits you.
Best of luck. You're very sweet to look after your mother so nicely, you know.
If this treatment by your mother is new, then perhaps she is suffering from an infection, medicine which is changing her personality or just frustrated that she now needs help.
Finally as many elderly age, they narrow their focus to their immediate needs and problems. These little issues (ie potholes) loom big on their checklist. They are not thinking about the many things an adult child needs to complete each day beyond taking care of them. They do not realize their demands verge on unrealistic.
I did not engage my father but would become silence and divert his interest to things he liked offering him a book to read, the newspaper or putting on TV a humorous movie. Often that was enough to redirect his attention. He was not nasty however, but he could keep bringing up an issue he thought to be urgent which was really not.
Since your mother is nasty about her requests, you may wish an apology but she probably is so centered on why she thinks she is correct --I doubt if you get one. Sometimes it is better to let go of the notion that you deserve an apology--it in the big picture it will not change much. She is not treating you with respect but in caring for an elder there are lots of times when you are "taken for granted" --so it is what it is.
Good luck.
If your mother is concerned about her own memory issues and that is what is driving her picking on you, maybe a few compliments about her memory would help, or injecting humor into the situation.
If my mother sang la-la-la like a junior high kid I'd laugh my apron off.
This can only get to you if you let it. Since it MIGHT be the start of cognitive decline, you might as well try not taking it personally. There could be a lot of that in your future.
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