Mum has lost contact with a lot of her friends since developing dementia. Partly as technology was hard enough for her already pre-dementia let alone now. I barely have time between working full time and caring for her to also engage her in social activity with her friends. We sometimes log on to her Facebook, comment on posts, post some pictures but that’s about it. She has not told any of her friends about her memory problem although I’m sure most suspect it. Should I be calling her friends and telling them and kindly asking them to perhaps give Mum a call once a week? It would mean the world to Mum if they made some contact. She may no longer be able to keep up with social gatherings etc but I know she’d love to hear from them! They were a large part of her life. Thinking to the future,..If it were my best friend and she had dementia, I’d still be calling her even if the conversations weren’t exactly the same. Even if she asked the same thing on occasions.
Do I tell her friends in the hope they’ll make some effort? Or do I respect mums wishes not to tell them and have her feeling lonely?
If the first one goes well, you can try for more callers. Worth a go?
His best friend, I was very disappointed at when I realized he hasn’t been in touch, but then I found out something…his best friends wife was recently diagnosed with dementia. So, yes, they may dwindle away, but that’s mostly because life needs to be handled, not because they weren’t true friends.
Do what little things you can, like FB and such to keep her engaged. You are already her line between herself and the outside world, and she may not be able to say it, but she is very grateful for you.
Or is it possible to "teach" Mom to call some friends. Could a user friendly cell phone be preprogrammed for her?
Best wishes!
Let them know you would appreciate it if the friends could call her and even drop by for a visit..
You can let them know mom isn't great with Facebook that you help her with that.
But mom would love calls and visits.
See if one of her friends can come to visit once a week. If she has 4 friends, have them schedule one time weekly visits every month and mom will end up with a visit every week.
Arange for a monthly get to get her for a couple hrs. Movie Night with Pizza or a Craft Night, ect.
If you don't have time for that, hire a Sitter to come in for 4 hrs to play Hostess.
See if there is a free day care that mom can go to to make new friends.
Check with a local Church regarding Senior Activities and check with Local Senior places that may have a Bingo Night.
Getting upset and hurt isn't the end of the world and if she knows it would be easier for her to face the facts with people that love her.
I have seen that those that acknowledge they are forgetting are way easier to deal with then the ones that pretend all is well.
Just my opinion. I do know that you don't have the right to tell something she has specifically said not to. It can be said without saying it.
But yes I don’t think I’d have to go into details before her friends picked up on it. Main reason I’d like to say it is to avoid one of them bluntly asking/commenting about it as it happened with one friend. Because it seems Mum would like them to also act like all is well.
But you don't have to spell the problem out to encourage her to be less withdrawn. Instead of logging on during the time when you're with her, why not suggest giving one or two of her friends a call and having a chat?
Keep in mind that the fear of them knowing about her memory problem may not be the only, or even the main, reason why she has begun to avoid them. It may be that she has found she can't keep up with conversations and has begun to feel anxious and awkward around them - her comfort zone has shrunk, if you like. What you want to avoid is its shrinking to the point where you're the only person in it!
How well does she understand what is happening? Have you been able to have open conversations with her about her memory issues?
She hasnt forbidden me per say not to tell her friends she has dementia but she hasn’t even yet come to fully accept it herself even though she’s prob mid stage. She knows it but will not accept it. She will admit it to me at times but then brush it under the carpet.
Theres no doubt she feels somewhat awkward but again I feel if she was upfront, it would be better.
What I do want to avoid is one of her friends challenging her about her memory.
This happened before,.. one of her friends teasingly said,... you have a bit of a failing memory don’t you and that really upset Mum. She got mad at her friend for laughing and hang up. I later sent her a message to apologise and said Mum is sensitive about the topic and to maybe not rub it in. They have not spoken since although that lady tries to send Mum a few messages here/there. Mum despite her dementia has always been good at holding grudges, hehe.
This is is why I feel it would be better to give them the heads up and tell them. Perhaps then they’d give her some time and I wouldn’t have to necessarily monitor the call to chime in at awkward times.
I will also say Mum herself used to look after a few individuals with dementia from this same cultural community. It’s like before when I called an aged care service and they recommended a place of support for mum and I said “yup.,. Mum used to run that service” in her working years. She was the coordinator there and provided at home care.
Since my moms stroke she has less “effort” in her and I see when others send her cards or call her - it really does bring her happiness - now that we have those who write to her or call - it has made it easier on mom and or even me (as a reminder) to do something nice for them and has helped her stay connected to others. Someone whom sent her a book recommendation she now shares hers with them - or whomever wrote to her that first year she now send little cards to them. In my mind now - (after all we have been through) then add isolation of covid into it - I would welcome anyone to bring my mom extra love or extra friendship - so I say yes reach out to some you think would be a good friend to her🦋
Another option is a "senior friends" program. These are volunteers who provide a few hours of face-to-face socialization. However, they are strict: No housekeeping, no pet care, no ADLs or anything else.