My parents are (90 & 87). I am 6 hours away from them. We have toured several facilities that were nice, but they can't seem to pull the trigger. They are doing fine, but are getting more frail & Dad's eye site is poor due to macular degeneration. Both are hard of hearing & Mom uses a cane and has a had a stroke. Both have heart disease. Dad is an Olympic grade worrier over EVERYTHING, such as how are we going to move? What do we do with all this stuff? How do I get my prescriptions filled, etc. Despite multiple reassurances from the facility representative & me about those things, he can't make the decision. Also he's afraid they will run out of money, "then what"? Again, multiple reassurances that they won't be thrown out into the street. I have had someone coming into the house once a week for 4 hours for household help. It started out well, but lately there have been staff changes & the current person is not responsible. I told them that we will find another agency, but they are doom & gloom that the same thing will happen again. I've looked into obtaining benefits from the VA, but they won't help unless they need help with eating, bathing, dressing, etc. They are not at that point yet. Also, the vet has to have few assets. They have more in savings than the VA allows. They live in a townhouse (that's paid for) so there's no lawn work, heavy home maintenance, etc. But I worry about their safety constantly.
It is best that your parents don't see the monthly bill otherwise they will start fretting over the cost. That happened to my Dad, wish I had a crystal ball to see that coming as Dad is now obsessed with the cost. The billing department was sending a duplicate bill to my Dad, so I now put a stop to that. Thank goodness Dad doesn't see the separate bill for his private caregiver, he doesn't even ask about that cost.
I also asked Dad's stock broker to stop mailing Dad the financial statements, only send them to me, again another thing less for Dad to fret over.
Make sure you have financial Power of Attorney.
I love the idea of reminding them they won't be paying utilities. I never thought about that.
But before he moved, my sister took all his financials to her financial advisor who ran the numbers to show how long it would take for him to run out of money. Let's just say that was a great way to convince him he had the money to do it. He's worked hard all his life, saved like crazy, and has plenty. This from a blue collar worker, with only a HS education. He has more money in the bank than most professionals these days have. So proud of him. And of course it eases my mind.
So my advice: move him near you, let a senior moving company who specializes in this sort of move help downsize, and get his financials in order with you as POA, and Health POA. Good luck.
PS.... (I agree with Windyridge about something for dad's anxiety.. a.k.a. worries) My dad is exactly the same and he couldn't believe all this could be done even though we told him we were handling it all. Finally got him on low dose Buspar and Zoloft and it worked WONDERS!!!
Also, there has been mention here of "continuing care communities"—an alternative to long term health insurance—and "communities with a continuum of care." The "continuing care communities" I investigated have a substantial up front fee that I found daunting. For the two bedroom apartment that I could imagine living in with the spouse, it would have been $500,000.
No gas bill
No electric bill
No water bill
No property taxes
No food costs of any major sort
And if they still drive they can cut down on driving costs as most assisted living facilities have transportation to shopping, entertainment and some even some day trips.
Factoring in all the things they will not have to pay for it just might save them money in the long run.
As they decline the cost may go up if the staff has to do more for them. So look for a facility that while it sounds like it costs more they will have levels of care that ill be included as needed. So assisting with showering or dressing may not be included in a lower level of care it would be in the next. You don't want to find that in one place they charge you for every little thing they have to do but in the next place help with ADLs would be included for just a bit more.
Reading caregiver books, generally speaking, is ok... but the almost immediate help and support, advice and insight from you all, just cannot compare to anything else.
I thank the creators of this site, the website support, and all the posting people who are taking the time to comment, counsel and console care givers in need.
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M88
Then when it was time for them to move up near me (3 hours away), I told them the stress of running down to see them when they had emergencies was killing me. That was all they needed to hear to move near me, where I could take care of them more easily. My dad lived for 9 years and 14 years later, my mom (96 years old) is still 1.5 miles away from me in independent living. Good luck!!
Also, don't kill yourself trying to convince them to make rational decisions. They won't. Your Dad probably needs some meds for anxiety. Something will happen eventually to force the issue. I'm just waiting my parents out.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but I was driving myself crazy for a couple of years worrying. Things will happen. I can prevent some but not all of it. When elders are in that grey area of competency we can only do as much as they will allow.
You want to look for a continuing care community that has everything from Independent Living to Memory Care, to NH to Hospice, so that they never have to move again. And transportation is a MUST!
Maybe this idea might work since your parents are open to listening... you mentioned your Dad has macular degeneration.. well, the sooner someone moves who has that eye condition the better, thus they can learn their way around while their vision is still good.....
I believe that is one reason my Mom refused to move, as her mac deg was to a point where she was almost blind, so for her to learn her way around a new kitchen would have been very difficult for her to do.... even though the Independent Living facility had 3 meals a day in the main dinning room, so Mom wouldn't need to worry about cooking, she wasn't very social as she was almost totally deaf at 98. A life not well planned :(
I remember being surprised when I ran the numbers for my mother to move into assisted living. It was only going to cost about $500 more than her income. It was doable. The cost sounds high until you actually crunch the numbers. If your parents own their townhouse, that will be extra money for them if it sells. A planner could help them work through this. They would have to downsize, most likely, but that would save the children a lot of work.