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I have a hard time dealing with cleaning my wife's private areas, I feel very uncomfortable when I have to do this! My wife can no longer clean herself and I was wondering if anyone knows of a proper way to deal with this?
Your profile says that you are in need of help to care for your wife, who has Parkinson's. I would explore that as soon as possible. If your own health is poor, as your profiles states, you'll need that help pronto. Caring for a person who has limited mobility is tough, even for someone who is not having medical issues.
It think that assisting with toileting another is a very difficult thing to manage. I can't help you with that. I hope others here, who know how can offer some tips.
I'm confused as to why Aging Care has tagged this with Parkinson's as a keyword - - unless he changed it, Delberte's profile indicates that his wife has Lewy Body Dementia ???
You have a lot going on Delberte. Talk to your doctor about the situation and get information about respite care for your wife, while you are dealing with your medical issues. It may become a full time placement.
If your wife still uses the toilet, but needs help with wiping, then a bidet toilet seat may work for you. If she is using pull ups or diapers (don't yell at me, this is for ease of understanding), then it is more challenging, especially is she is bowel incontinent.
Although some likes wipes, I have always found that small soft wash clothes and warm water work best. A diaper/barrier cream make it easier to clean up the next mess, as well as protecting the skin.
I have similar issues with my mother. When bathing her I first put some body wash on the seat of her shower chair before sitting her on it to help soap up and clean that area and then we use shower head on flexible hose to spray warm water and use soapy washcloth to clean her. There is also a bidet like hose attachment for toilet where you can do similar method by sitting her on toilet and squiring soap on lower abdomen and let it wash down lower regions and under her and wipe her clean etc. hope this helps.
I am not sure how long you have had to deal with the uncomfortable feelings while cleaning your wife's private parts. If it has only been a week or two, I can 100% tell you it gets SO much easier with time. (almost like cleaning her hands for her) The reason I say this is from experience. It was so difficult the first month or two and now it is just part of caring for her and making sure the skin doesn't break down in places that are harder to reach and of course, have the urine stay on her skin too long. I commend you for taking on such a difficult task. The love you have for her is so obvious with you even writing this letter asking for advice. I hope this doesn't sound strange or disrespectful, but I would also add humor to a very uncomfortable time. Something like....."hey lady, when I took my vows such and such years ago, I don't remember saying something along the lines of such and such." I can also tell you that the more your wife senses your discomfort in doing this task for her, the harder it is on her. I don't mean to diminish your feelings on this very private and hard question, what I mean to do is add the good you are accomplishing by doing this task. (the better job you do "down there", the less problems for the future with skin break down and such and such. I have found that a caregiver that is male for my mom seemed strange at first, but the man is so patient with her, loves her stories, never is late or misses a day and respects what she can and can't do on her own. His prior job he had was with special needs adults, he is an angel sent out way. Mom thinks all men "never listen to my needs", (bad experiences with husband and 2 adult sons), but this guy has slowly, but SHIRLEY, turned some of her thoughts around about men.
I had similar problem with my wife , bought a Blue Bidet at Lowe’s $38 and only takes 15 to 30 minutes to install. Works great with cleaning after BM. I use Bath wipes like used in hospitals Or Baby wipes scented for front.
Get used to it becuase if you don't and she can't, she will get a urinary tract infection. If she is diapered stool will get in there. I had to clean mom's private daily and often, and I simply had to get used to it. No choice. Eventually I had to use enemas, a lot of cleaning as she became bed bound. You may want to consider nursing home placement if you absolutely cannot do it so get the estate ready and see an eldercare attorney. If she is already on Medicaid no worries--placement is easy. If you choose home-health you still have to do the majority of the work.
I find this Sort of Uncanny, Being she is a Wife for Life you have Touched many times over. However, You need to Keep her Clean in Between, Or Pin Worms even may Start. Keep her changed with Underwear and Clean Clothes, Use Mild soap and Water to keep her Clean all Over, Even though you may no twant to. It is for your Benefit too.
Cleansing the perineal area is important to keep the skin in that area healthy. She will not get pin worms - or other parasites - from a lack of cleansing. That problem is a result of ingesting infected materials. She may develop a urinary tract infection if fecal material remains near her urethra. She will develop a "diaper rash" or "yeast" infection if she wears adult diapers and wet/soiled ones are left on for too long.
If you had children, you must have cleaned up after a dirty diaper. Similar process: 1 - Always wipe after toileting from front to back. 2- If she wears adult diapers, clean with mild soap and warm water with each "change". 3 - If she soils herself, clean with mild soap and warm water. 4 - Start by removing solid wastes with toilet paper and flush this down the toilet. 5 - Then cleanse using clean soapy washcloth. The principle is to make sure not to wipe dirt into vaginal/urethral area. The next important principle is wipe from clean area towards dirty area. 6 - After thoroughly cleansing with soapy washcloth, then follow with a "rinse" of warm water (a squeeze bottle works wonders for this) or wiping with a clean cloth moistened with warm water (please do not use the dirty/poopy washcloth). 7 - Dry off the area with clean tissue or a clean, dry washcloth. 8 - If using reusable washcloths, consider putting them in a covered pail with bleach water and detergent. It makes them easier to clean. 9 - Clean her reusable "bathroom cloths" separately in the washer using hot water, bleach and clothes detergent. You should avoid using fabric softener since this can be irritating for some folks.
If you find that caring for your wife's needs is becoming increasingly difficult, it may be time to hire a home health care aide. Most require 4 hours of work per day. I had a friend with MS who had aides come to the home in the mornings and the evenings to help with bathing, dressing, and food preparation. Some will do light housework.
You need more help than just yourself trying to handle this. Please look into either having helpers come to your home or having your wife move to where there is professional care. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, it must be overwhelming, and with all you have going on it’s just too much, and that’s okay
If she is still using the toilet, I like the bidet suggestion that someone made. Let the water do most of the work! If she is not using the toilet and just going in a diaper, I would try squirt bottles...one with warm soapy water and one with warm clear water...have a towel underneath, etc... If she is in diapers, use some sort of barrier ointment to prevent skin breakdown. Some folks on this site are going to tell you that this is your obligation as her husband, but I disagree. I wouldn't want my husband to have to clean my privates and I sure don't want to clean his after a BM. Talk with her physician...consider hiring help....consider placement if necessary.
It may be time to consider moving into assisted living g. My parents live together although in the beginning, only my mom needed the support. The caregivers will come and wipe my mom after she uses the bathroom by her pulling the cord next to the toilet. Sorry to say, but it will only become harder over time. Having This help has been a godsend to both of them. It was not an easy adjustment, but a necessary one. Good luck to you.
My fingers were amputated, so I'm kind of in the same boat. Go with a bidet. They range in price from very inexpensive to very expensive. Money well spent.
A part time home health aide would only be able to help with toileting/bathing a few hours a day or week. Maybe the bidet would be worth trying. Good advice from foxxmolder and Tothill.
Is she capable of sitting on the toilet or bedside commode? If so, you can get an inexpensive bidet bottle to squirt that area. If she is bed-bound, maybe hire someone from a care giver company to do this with you. Eventually, you might be surprised at what you are able to get comfortable doing. I was surprised at what I thought I'd never do and eventually did. If she is bed-bound and home health bathers, physical therapists, etc can't do anything else to improve her condition, she might qualify for hospice care. It doesn't have to mean she is about to die, just that nothing else can be done for her by home health or other medical professionals. They should be able to provide a bather five days a week. It's a nice experience for her as well. I think a doctor's referral is the first step to getting hospice approved. You might have to be assertive. This isn't necessarily just a modesty or comfort situation. Even the smallest of people can be physically demanding on the care giver. Just moving on her side can be a lot of effort. Your profile says she has Parkinson's, so add rigidity to that. I wish you well.
Call in Home Health Care and have them show you the proper way to handle this.
Before my DH needed me as a caregiver, I would hand him a cloth to clean his privates. It gets easier. When cleaning up after a bowel movement, I thought of it as processed food and then I had no trouble at all.
Hmmm.... I think posting actual “instructions” is not needed. Any adult can figure out towels, warm water, and soap. I think what he is saying is he DOESN’T WANT to do it, which is absolutely a fair response. Listen Delberte, this is YOUR life. You don’t get a “do-over”. If the years you spend caring for your wife require this extreme commitment, be sure you accept that you don’t get them back. These may be the last years that you are in control of your own body, able to do the things YOU want to do. No second chances in this lifetime. Find a good, safe place for your wife and visit often to ensure she is being well cared for. This does not make you a selfish person, it shows you have enough good sense to love yourself as much as you love your wife.
I would recommend trying a sitz bath. You can get one at the drug store for a few dollars. You set it on the toilet, fill with lukewarm water, maybe add a little baby shampoo. She sits in it. Excess water drains to the toilet. If there is a lot of poop, you might want to drain and refill.
I agree with everything said here. I would make a list and start from there to see what works best for you and her. I can only add my own experiences. Wearing rubber gloves helped in the beginning but near the end I was not using them so much. I wiped and washed my Luz several times a day as well as doing the laundry more than once a day. however I did use the anti-bacterial soap for washing, a clean dedicated towel for drying and finishing up with a female wipe . Some claim to have a lotion in them. It seemed to help with her comfort down there. I did all of this while continuously talking to her.
We did have the luxury of a step in tub where I would help her with total bathing. After bathing she would play in the water for about an hour. That was fun for both of us. One other area that I paid attention to was under her breasts since she did develop a fungal infection there once from not wearing a bra.
I must add that dealing with waste removal was nothing new to me. I worked in the building and shipboard field for many years and there wasn't much I did not run into. I was very glad to do all of this and more, like cleaning carpet and rugs at all hours of the day and night. I wish I were still doing it.
I had to start doing this with my 95 yr old father which was very embarrassing for me but ut gets not so awkward, you can do it. Just something that has to be done and know if the situation was reversed, she'd be there for you.
I would try to go for Assisted Living. I have told all of my loved ones that I want this if it comes to them having to clean me. I want them to know that I'm okay with this, and maybe part of letting them know that is that I don't think that I would be okay with it either. I'll do what I have to if I have to, but if there is another way I will choose that first.
Hi Delberte. Many great responses here. As the boomers are aging, all kinds of new products are emerging out there. Bidets have become the darling of the market. Unfortunately once you get into heated water, air drying etc., the controls become complicated, never the less worth looking into. There are many different Bidet models with many different features. I would like to recommend a bidet hand held sprayer. This is nothing more than a hose with a sprayer similar to what you would use in a garden. It may be difficult for your wife to use it, so you may have take that on. But it should do a very thorough job of cleansing both for no 1 and 2. There are also extension arms for toilet paper. but you have to make sure the wipe is always front to back. The last thing you want to do is get any fecal matter near the urinary area. Lot's of items out there now. You my have to do some trial and error until you find one the both of you are comfortable with. Here is a link to Amazon showing Bidet options and the hand held sprayer; https://www.amazon.com/s?k=boudet+toilet+attachment&hvadid=78134097079116&hvbmt=be&hvdev=c&hvqmt=e&tag=mh0b-20&ref=pd_sl_9ftw42eu4_e
If you do not want to put your Mom in an assisted living facility, just hire somebody private to come to give her the baths everyday and they may even clean a little for you or help with laundry or something just for a couple of hours per day. There are some people who just want some spending money and are either caregivers part time or were caregivers and are experienced. You can do this. Otherwise, you're going to have to stock up on disposable surgical gloves (Sam's Club has them 200 per box) that I use just to clean with) and learn to do it. No other choice. Good luck to you and you'll get the hang of it. All of us on here have done this at least a little until caregivers are hired or the parent/spouse goes to an assisted living facility. Good luck to you. We do understand though. Unless you have extra money, buying a bidet and all of that would be unnecessary and actually, she would need help with that too plus she needs a better cleaning than that.
I don't imagine Hospice would provide enough help to assist with daily (and nightly) toileting. Our Hospice made 1/2 visits twice a week. That would not take care of daily toileting.
Try this in between actual cleaning: Aloe Vesta Perineal/Skin Cleanser , 8 oz Bottle
Apply foam to her hand, tell her to apply it to her underarms and private areas. Does not need to be washed off, but can be wiped off with a damp towel or wash cloth. Lovely scent. Saves me. I got my first bottle when in the hospital.
Walmart has it.
Aloe Vesta Perineal/Skin Cleanser , 8 oz Bottle - Pa ... Average rating:4out of5stars, based on3reviews
Also, I hate to be so frank, but didn't you touch her private areas when being intimate years ago? Still the same woman, same parts, and the need for intimacy just as great.
Visiting Nurses (or other HOme Health Aides) would not be there several times during the day and night as needed. Dleberte needs something available all the time.
Are you asking how to deal with your inability to do this task because it makes you uncomfortable? My first thought is that you NEED to find an alternative because if the task is that distasteful for you, you probably won’t do a very good job.
I agree with the bidet option. They’re pretty easy to install but make sure it has warm water. And YOU learn how to turn it on, off and do that for her. I suggest big soft paper napkins to dry (don’t put in toilet). My mom is incontinent but refused any help with toileting. The bidet was the answer. Expect to pay at least $200 on Amazon and read the reviews. Good luck and bless you for being honest.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
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Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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It think that assisting with toileting another is a very difficult thing to manage. I can't help you with that. I hope others here, who know how can offer some tips.
If your wife still uses the toilet, but needs help with wiping, then a bidet toilet seat may work for you. If she is using pull ups or diapers (don't yell at me, this is for ease of understanding), then it is more challenging, especially is she is bowel incontinent.
Although some likes wipes, I have always found that small soft wash clothes and warm water work best. A diaper/barrier cream make it easier to clean up the next mess, as well as protecting the skin.
The reason I say this is from experience. It was so difficult the first month or two and now it is just part of caring for her and making sure the skin doesn't break down in places that are harder to reach and of course, have the urine stay on her skin too long.
I commend you for taking on such a difficult task. The love you have for her is so obvious with you even writing this letter asking for advice.
I hope this doesn't sound strange or disrespectful, but I would also add humor to a very uncomfortable time. Something like....."hey lady, when I took my vows such and such years ago, I don't remember saying something along the lines of such and such." I can also tell you that the more your wife senses your discomfort in doing this task for her, the harder it is on her. I don't mean to diminish your feelings on this very private and hard question, what I mean to do is add the good you are accomplishing by doing this task. (the better job you do "down there", the less problems for the future with skin break down and such and such. I have found that a caregiver that is male for my mom seemed strange at first, but the man is so patient with her, loves her stories, never is late or misses a day and respects what she can and can't do on her own. His prior job he had was with special needs adults, he is an angel sent out way. Mom thinks all men "never listen to my needs", (bad experiences with husband and 2 adult sons), but this guy has slowly, but SHIRLEY, turned some of her thoughts around about men.
His compassion and professionalism was greater than all the female RNs that I have dealt with combined. No offense to anyone here.
If you had children, you must have cleaned up after a dirty diaper. Similar process:
1 - Always wipe after toileting from front to back.
2- If she wears adult diapers, clean with mild soap and warm water with each "change".
3 - If she soils herself, clean with mild soap and warm water.
4 - Start by removing solid wastes with toilet paper and flush this down the toilet.
5 - Then cleanse using clean soapy washcloth. The principle is to make sure not to wipe dirt into vaginal/urethral area. The next important principle is wipe from clean area towards dirty area.
6 - After thoroughly cleansing with soapy washcloth, then follow with a "rinse" of warm water (a squeeze bottle works wonders for this) or wiping with a clean cloth moistened with warm water (please do not use the dirty/poopy washcloth).
7 - Dry off the area with clean tissue or a clean, dry washcloth.
8 - If using reusable washcloths, consider putting them in a covered pail with bleach water and detergent. It makes them easier to clean.
9 - Clean her reusable "bathroom cloths" separately in the washer using hot water, bleach and clothes detergent. You should avoid using fabric softener since this can be irritating for some folks.
If you find that caring for your wife's needs is becoming increasingly difficult, it may be time to hire a home health care aide. Most require 4 hours of work per day. I had a friend with MS who had aides come to the home in the mornings and the evenings to help with bathing, dressing, and food preparation. Some will do light housework.
Some folks on this site are going to tell you that this is your obligation as her husband, but I disagree. I wouldn't want my husband to have to clean my privates and I sure don't want to clean his after a BM. Talk with her physician...consider hiring help....consider placement if necessary.
Good Luck Delberte.
Sorry to say, but it will only become harder over time. Having This help has been a godsend to both of them. It was not an easy adjustment, but a necessary one.
Good luck to you.
Money well spent.
Good advice from foxxmolder and Tothill.
Before my DH needed me as a caregiver, I would hand him a cloth to clean his privates. It gets easier. When cleaning up after a bowel movement, I thought of it as processed food and then I had no trouble at all.
Listen Delberte, this is YOUR life. You don’t get a “do-over”. If the years you spend caring for your wife require this extreme commitment, be sure you accept that you don’t get them back. These may be the last years that you are in control of your own body, able to do the things YOU want to do. No second chances in this lifetime.
Find a good, safe place for your wife and visit often to ensure she is being well cared for. This does not make you a selfish person, it shows you have enough good sense to love yourself as much as you love your wife.
Afterward, dry with toilet paper.
A bidet has a similar effect.
You let the water ( and time )do the work.
What's with the drying with toilet paper? Towels are made for that!
I can only add my own experiences. Wearing rubber gloves helped in the beginning but near the end I was not using them so much.
I wiped and washed my Luz several times a day as well as doing the laundry more than once a day.
however I did use the anti-bacterial soap for washing, a clean dedicated towel for drying and finishing up with a female wipe . Some claim to have a lotion in them. It seemed to help with her comfort down there.
I did all of this while continuously talking to her.
We did have the luxury of a step in tub where I would help her with total bathing. After bathing she would play in the water for about an hour. That was fun for both of us.
One other area that I paid attention to was under her breasts since she did develop a fungal infection there once from not wearing a bra.
I must add that dealing with waste removal was nothing new to me. I worked in the building and shipboard field for many years and there wasn't much I did not run into.
I was very glad to do all of this and more, like cleaning carpet and rugs at all hours of the day and night.
I wish I were still doing it.
Best of luck to you
I had to start doing this with my 95 yr old father which was very embarrassing for me but ut gets not so awkward, you can do it. Just something that has to be done and know if the situation was reversed, she'd be there for you.
I would like to recommend a bidet hand held sprayer. This is nothing more than a hose with a sprayer similar to what you would use in a garden. It may be difficult for your wife to use it, so you may have take that on. But it should do a very thorough job of cleansing both for no 1 and 2. There are also extension arms for toilet paper. but you have to make sure the wipe is always front to back. The last thing you want to do is get any fecal matter near the urinary area. Lot's of items out there now. You my have to do some trial and error until you find one the both of you are comfortable with. Here is a link to Amazon showing Bidet options and the hand held sprayer;
https://www.amazon.com/s?k=boudet+toilet+attachment&hvadid=78134097079116&hvbmt=be&hvdev=c&hvqmt=e&tag=mh0b-20&ref=pd_sl_9ftw42eu4_e
Apply foam to her hand, tell her to apply it to her underarms and private areas. Does not need to be washed off, but can be wiped off with a damp towel or wash cloth. Lovely scent. Saves me. I got my first bottle when in the hospital.
Walmart has it.
Aloe Vesta Perineal/Skin Cleanser , 8 oz Bottle - Pa ...
Average rating:4out of5stars, based on3reviews
https://www.walmart.com/search/search-ng.do?search_query=Perineal%20Cleanser&&adid=22222222224211237553&wmlspartner=wmtlabs&wl0=e&wl1=o&wl2=c&wl3=3531393444&wl4=kwd-15084090311:loc-190&wl5=190&wl6=&wl7=&wl14=perineal%20cleanser,&veh=sem&msclkid=4c13e77d3ce612bff832bba3372c595a
Current Price
$17.04
Sold & shipped by
DHS MED
Free shipping
I agree with the bidet option. They’re pretty easy to install but make sure it has warm water. And YOU learn how to turn it on, off and do that for her. I suggest big soft paper napkins to dry (don’t put in toilet). My mom is incontinent but refused any help with toileting. The bidet was the answer. Expect to pay at least $200 on Amazon and read the reviews.
Good luck and bless you for being honest.