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My brother and his wife, first didn't speak with my sister for 20 years (she has since passed), they also have a list of other family members that they avoid. I should have known eventually I would be on the list, although we were always close up until his wife decided that that she didn't like me because I didn't hear her say something and walked away, and I was looking at my phone. She said she felt 'disrespected'. This is also how the others got vetoed out of their lives, She decides and my brother agrees. At first, I tried everything to talk it out, apologized profusely, bent over backwards to mend any hurt I caused as I wanted family peace and I cared for her. However, I'm done now, his last request was that only he see my Mom on her birthday and for me not to come. He's very controlling. I didn't argue, and just kept the focus on my Mom since she misses him so terribly. He even asked me to tell him anytime I saw my Mom, which is so strange since he hasn't shown up in 4 years, in spite of me inviting him and planning events. Even when he asked me to let him know when I saw her, I let him know that I just made plans to see her and asked him to come for her birthday (last year) for which he declined.


To my main point, my mother asked me to plan her funeral, and I'm also paying for it because mom doesn't have any means. I always thought my brother and I would handle things together, but I'm so done being hurt by him. She had also asked my brother, but he's pretty checked out and hasn't done anything. So, I took it upon myself and made the plans and asked her again and again if she was positive that this is what she wanted, she emphatically said yes, and also provided me with a notarized letter and a notarized health directive indicating these are her wishes. She's of sound mind and not in a facility.


Believing that this would always be a decision between the both of us, I still feel sad. I haven't planned the memorial service, since it will be so incredibly small and thought that would be a way for him to participate. I am trying my best to do the right thing and honor my Mom's wishes, and also don't want to do anything to harm the relationship further with my brother. I went and saw her for Mother's Day and didn't tell him because I knew he wouldn't be there or show up - he's about to go on a solo trip to Europe. Both of us live away from my Mom. I hope I did the right thing in preplanning without him. Anytime I've brought up money or anything, his answer is usually no, or skepticism. I decided it was just easier if I paid for everything myself, even though it is expensive. Trying to do the right thing, but one cannot control another person. Would love the thoughts here. Thank you.

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The important thing now is who is the POA?
And who, when mom passes, will be the executor?
It is important that this person be designated, and aware of the plans your mom has made, and wishes to have carried forward for her.
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belas1 May 2023
I have the health care directive which gives me authority for her funeral/remains. She doesn't have any possessions, other than her personal effects, and a very small bank account. She doesn't have a POA. Do I need that on top of the Health Care Directive?
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When my dad died, he’d already planned and prepaid for his funeral. This still left some arrangements to be made on time, date, minister, and some other details. I was executor of dad’s will, not a large estate at all, and tried to include my siblings in the funeral plans. They both declined and left me alone with it. It actually made it easier in the long run though it was stressful in the moment. Since losing our last parent we now have cordial enough, but distant relationships and aren’t close at all. It’s a sad thing but I’ve accepted it. Your brother has shown you who he is, believe him. I hope you’ll realize you’ve done your best, apologize no more, and accept the situation as it is. I wish you peace
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belas1 May 2023
Thank you, I so appreciate your words, more than I can state. So, so, true. Truly, thank you. I'm working on the acceptance side. I'm sorry you went through this too and thank you again for sharing.
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I think you got your ducks all in a row. You had Mom write down her wishes. She was involved in the whole planning. If your brother wanted to be involved with Mom he would be. Not your fault his wife has a problem and he goes along with it. (been there) And your paying! I would also be involved if I was paying,

My brothers allowed me to do it all. I just did what I thought Mom would want. I was told by both brothers I did good. Your brother has chose to alienate his family. Seems he doesn't see that wife seems to be disrespected alot. Sorry, I no longer walk on eggshells with my family, they get mad, they get glad. And if they get mad and stay that way, oh well. Especially if I apologized.

When Mom has passed, you do what you need to do. You plan, give brother the info and he comes or he doesn't. Thats his choice. And this telling him when ur visiting Mom, no. He tells you when he is visiting Mom and then you work around it. You cannot worry about what he and his wife thinks. They are the problem not you. The wife has a problem. Don't play into their games.

If you don't have POA for Mom, you should get it. Its a tool you may need in the future to make financial and Medical decisions for her when she can't. The Medical is pretty much her wishes that you carry out. There should only be one POA, no sharing the assignment. If Mom wants to, she can assign a secondary. I would say to use a lawyer because of brother.
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In my state, there is a form called Disposition of Bodily Remains, or similar name. Estate lawyer told me that it's a good idea to sign (and notarize if necessary) one of these because it is clear in stating who has responsibility for the person's remains after death. There can be no real argument when there is such a form. Look into it and see if you need it in your state. A lawyer can provide it or you can copy it from the internet and have it signed and notarized at UPS or any notary service.
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Your brother removed himself from his family. You were kind to him.

It’s completely understandable that you became frustrated and decided to decide important matters without consulting him. Honestly, I don’t blame you.

Be at peace with your decision. I feel that you made the correct choice by focusing on your mother’s wishes.
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belas1 May 2023
Thank you so much!
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I told my brother what my mom told me she wanted. I did not ask. I bought her a cremation package. When a sibling gives you the job of POA…I do not ask for input. I have enough on my plate!
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AnnReid May 2023
If you can, stop reviewing “second thoughts”.

I “bit my tongue” far too many times, and paid for many sleepless nights, because I was afraid “the other” would try to move her away from me, and I was all she had to advocate for her rights and safety.

“When a sibling gives you a job……enough on my plate”. Read your last 3 statements until you believe them.

Then move forward with confidence.
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If her only financial effects is a small bank account then ask her to become the secondary on the account. In that way when she passes, then you will be the beneficiary of the account. Also, the account should not lock you out and you can use the leftover money to complete her bills, funeral and taxes. The rest, if any will be yours for all of the service you gave her. Try not to co mingle your account so that all is used for her expenses. Keep it clean.
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If your still wanting to try and include him you could always just contact him and say “Mom wanted me to pre-plan her funeral do you have any input or requests”? I don’t think it’s necessary since your mom was directing the arrangements and you are paying for them and not asking for his financial help but I do think it will make you feel better now and in the future if you make that attempt to include him. Asking if he has any requests, giving him the opening to be included is very different from simply informing him of the plans and keeps the door open for some semblance of relationship to continue between you should he want to walk through it. Nothing wrong with having Mom tell him but it isn’t the same for your relationship as you for warning him and then Mom telling him.
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I have a brother who hasn't done one thing to help with our mother. Mom was diagnosed 13 years ago. She finally ran out of funds last September and I applied for Medicaid and had to move her from the place she had been in for the last ten years into a facility that accepted Medicaid. Prior to her running out of funds, I knew we needed to pre-pay for her funeral out of her money and I reached out to my brother several times telling him that we needed to make arrangements and he never would agree to a day or time so I finally did it by myself. You can't control another person. People usually show their true colors when the chips are down. Your brother has definitely shown his. I'm not sure why you complied with his request to "let him know every time you visit mom". He can't control you either!
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In my opinion, you are absolutely doing the right thing. I am son who was a full-time caregiver for my mom. Each year, I would go over important legal documents with her: POA, Health Care Proxy, Will, Funeral Arrangements, Obituary, and Deed, to make sure she was OK with everything. I would then prepare a sheet that both of us signed and dated noting our review. I wanted it for my record in case anyone (including my siblings who were never involved in her care and who had not seen her in years) ever questioned my decisions.

When she died last year at age 93, I was prepared. I called my oldest sibling and informed him of the funeral arrangements, instructing him to inform my other two siblings. I said if they wanted to see mom before she was buried, that was their chance. There were no calling hours, and the services at the funeral home were brief, but dignified. My siblings showed up, and were surprised at how great mom looked, as she clearly did not look her age. I commented that the beautiful woman they saw in the casket was what I saw every morning when I went to wake her up.

At the cemetery, another brief service took place. My siblings then got in their cars and left. They never asked about the funeral cost (Mom had a small life insurance policy and the funeral director was great in keeping the cost within that range). I stayed behind to watch the cemetery workers lower the casket into the vault, and place the vault cover with her name on it. Later in the year, I had a bronze marker similar to that of my korean war veteran dad placed at the cemetery. Again, no participation from the siblings.

Follow your mom's wishes, and forget about what your brother thinks. If he really cared, he would be involved.
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Lizhappens May 2023
God bless you. And your spot on. It was very wise of you to go over everything each year with her and have it signed and dated by both of you. That would be very strong proof for anyone who was trying to challenge you where you stood in her life.

The brother sounds kind of weird, in that, he wants to know whenever she visits mom but doesn’t want to be involved in her life. ?? She did the right thing too.
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Concerning your mother's funeral. Seems she is of sound mind. Why can't she plan her own funeral? I understand she does not have the money , but if she has her mind it's her wishes as to what she wants. Let me add, years ago I pre-planned my own funeral. As I didn't trust my husband to do what I wanted. Was a too soon mistake as we moved far away from that state. Last summer I contacted a local funeral home and transferred my pre-planned funeral. Lost money as now all the extra arrangements I did want , I now don't. Just saying this as I don't understand why your mother could not handle her funeral herself. I now have mine paid for, no memorial service, just my body embalmed, a nice casket, and a above ground burial ( mausoleum). I did ask my grandson to speak if my children want to have some type of memorial( not at funeral home)
I have even had the words carved that I want on my ( drawer).
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My mother recently died. And through all the grief and messiness of death, I hold onto the fact that I was able to follow her directives to the letter. I know she would be happy and I know she would be proud of me.

It sounds like you and your mother have a similar relationship that I had. We talked, I knew what she wanted, it was written down, and no one else has the right to question that. You are doing a wonderful job!
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belas1 Nov 11, 2023
Thank you and I’m so sorry for your loss. I appreciate your perspective.
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If you were co-ordinating with your mother's wishes regarding plans for her funeral, you were helping her to arrange what she wanted. What did she need you to do that she could not do herself? If she is of sound mind and had general ideas for her funeral then you were just acting as her agent in making phone calls and contacts.
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When my uncle died twenty one years ago he was divorced and his kids were scattered all over the U.S. He had given his POA to a friend but that friend did not have the funds to do a funeral and also was not willing.... so after talking to a lawyer I found out that it came down to my mom who would be next in line to pay and take care of the arrangements. Long story longer... she was in no way capable of doing this so I took the reigns and did all the planning. It helped that I work at a cemetery, I had credit, I had the backing of my immediate family, and he was a veteran. With the assistance of the cemetery I applied for all the benefits, and had him buried with honors and most importantly I told my family if any one from cousins, his brother who I couldn't find, or any other relatives that would come out of the woodwork had any questions, statements or something to say they need to be referred to me! I paid for everything and took the stress from my mom. The night before the funeral I finally found his middle son and he flew in for the service. He took me aside and gave me an atta boy! He was sooo happy with what I had done. My other relatives never said anything and thats okay. I was not trying to impress anyone and my feeling was this... if they had anything to say about it then they need to fork over the money and time to do what I did. So with that said you are doing what your mom wants and that is it.
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IMO you’re doing a great job and respecting your mother’s wishes.

In my case I have one sibling who doesn’t help or do ANYTHING ( except ask for money ), but this makes it probably easier to plan things, than in your case when you’re still in touch with your sibling and want that relationship.

I’m the Charlie Brown of event planning, but my mom wanted ( she’s forgotten now ) cremation and a service at a specific church. Since that’s what she wanted , when the time comes I’m following through on that hopefully final duty. Fortunately that church has kind of a paint-by-numbers memorial organizational style , which works great. If anyone doesn’t like it, too bad! They’re not helping.

But here’s the thing ….post memorial/funeral, I’m going to let my other relatives plan whatever get together they want. If they ask I’ll say I’ve got the funeral arranged to mom’s wishes, any gathering afterwards they can arrange whatever to their heart’s desire. I’m so burned out there’s no way I can deal with memorial planning drama, so I’m keeping an iron grip on that aspect of planning an event. Afterwards? I’m foisting it all off on the others. They’ll have the control there and I’ll have zero complaints since I don’t have arrange yet one more ding dang thing!

When the time comes I’ll let AC here now how this theoretical plan worked out…

Wishing you the best!
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You have done nothing wrong, and it's OK to feel sad about it -- for minute.

Keep in mind that your brother has made your family's dynamic the way it is, not you.

Let it go, "respect" his disrespect of you, your mother, and the family as a whole, and move on.
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No one stepped up to take care of my mom as she made her way to the Pearly Gates and almost no one came to visit, so I skipped the funeral altogether. If they weren't interested in her while she was living, they're not going to be invited to a funeral to fein love and sadness...............nope.
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Lizhappens May 2023
I understand. I’m sorry for your loss.
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You paid for it and if you've done things according to what mom wanted, you did the right thing. As hard as it is, just be the bigger person with your brother. He and his wife have a relationship geared toward cutting people out, for whatever reason. It's possible one day he'll wake up and realize his wife controls him. Or maybe not - he is possibly as bad as she is in thinking others disrespect them. You can't fix that. You can, however, not stoop to their level of managing relationships.

Call him or text/email any significant things about your mom. Don't expect replies and don't reply at all if there is any tone of argument in his response. Let it go. When the time comes, notify him of mom's declining health - for sure - and let him make decision on if he goes or not. Do NOT tell him if you are going or when you are going. His visits to mom are not your responsibility to organize for him or to ensure you aren't present at the same time. That's on him.

When it comes time for a funeral, just let him know when and where she will be. A memorial service can be something as simple as meeting at a restaurant for a meal, a graveside meeting for family/friends, or even a small chapel somewhere. Gather to plant a tree in her memory. Even a lovely park near her location - many of them have pavilions or buildings for meetings. Make it easy on yourself.
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belas1 Nov 11, 2023
Thank you, love all of your suggestions!!
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This isn’t exactly related, but it reminds me of how one of the sons used to come and borrow five to $600 from his parents during their retirement / caregiving days every couple of months. And what I mean by borrow is “take” because he never repaid them. Then when they required more financial oversight of their affairs, he came to me asking me to cut him a check out of his parents money and I could/would not do it because my integrity and That’s when another brother finally stepped in and that “borrowing” stopped. I really don’t get some people.
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My mother passed on April 29th. I am her only child. She had nieces,nephews and other family she remained close to. They are not in this area. We had a small service where my husband,son and daughter spoke. My other daughter wrote the obituary. She included many family members in the obituary. We had the service streamed. Not one of all those family members reached out afterwards to express anything at all about the service. I felt hurt as I had hoped by streaming it they would feel included and the speeches and slideshow were very moving. I only heard from close friends and my father's family. It just distances me more from them which is fine. When my mother first needed AL they were very opinionated and actually said I was trying to make myself seem more important by making decisions for my mother. I am just happy none of them will now have a reason to visit.
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Llamalover47 May 2023
Riverdale: I am so sorry for your loss. Deepest condolences.
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belas1: You focused on your mother's wishes, which was the right thing to do. Do not let the acrimony of your brother make you have self doubt. His actions are on him.
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What's done is done. You can't go back. Stick with your decision, and let it go.
As for your brother and his wife. Try to make up, and remain distant. It is a terrible thing at the end of life to be fighting with family.
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No need for guilt. You did the appropriate thing. Let your brother be your brother - mostly disengaged. And also know you will be dealing with the loss of your brother as well as the anticipatory loss of you mom. Consider joining a support group. * Best to you.
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belas, this is what I get from your post:

Your brother is a control freak.
Your brother and his wife are awful people.
He and his wife have egos so big that they can't see and care about anyone but themselves.
They disregard and disrespect you.
They think you're not worth their time.
They don't value the relationship and kinship with you.
They don't care how they hurt you.

You, on the other hand, walk on eggshells, bend over backward to apology for some non-mistake, try to please these awful people, want to have them approve of you, have a relationship with you, and like you.

WHY?
Because the awful male happened to come out from the same womb as you?

Please take a giant step back and view the whole dynamic through a dispassionate eye of an outsider.

If you ran into two strangers that were as awful as these people, would you steer clear of them or would you try your best to befriend them and have them like you and approve of you (which by the way would be impossible to due their hugely inflated egos)?
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belas1 Nov 11, 2023
Hi Polabear! I’m just seeing your answer now and I love how you boiled it down to the nuts and bolts of the matter!!!
It took a little therapy to really see the clear picture and I have not reached out to him since that last phone call mentioned above. He reached out with one text which I didn’t respond. Although I was sad at first, now I can’t believe how long it took me to see the real picture of how toxic they are. They don’t deserve me!!
Thank you so much for your answer, it’s brilliant!! ❤️
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Don't be surprised by anything he does. Expect the worse.
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If mom is of sound mind , make sure there is a WILL with YOU in charge and at this point a DPOA. Your brothers and his wife are not going to change as time passes .
If mom has a problem with this , gently try to explain the situation to her . If brother can not make time to visit mom he ( and wife ) have no right to question the decisions your mom made about anything …
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When siblings or other family members don’t step up for needy elders, it creates a vacuum that caring family members who have the quality of empathy fill. You have filled that vacuum for your mother. Often the caregivers who do this are then disparaged, criticized, and downright hated by non- helping family instead of being appreciated. Your brother and his wife seem to fit this mold. I definitely would not enable his dominance over you and indifference to your mother by worrying for one minute about what they think. You can’t fix selfish. It would be a cold day in hell before I would allow my siblings to demand that I report my interactions with my mother to them. I would make that real clear. Control what you can - stand up for yourself - and let the pieces with your control freak brother fall where they fall. Who knows, maybe he will respect you. But regardless you can respect yourself.
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Memorial services are for those who are living. It is nice that your mother is involved in the process beforehand. DO whatever will give you peace and closure when she has passed. Invite family and friends who will miss her and be supportive of you. Only do what you can afford and is helpful/meaningful for you. If your sibling objects, he ask him to either finance part of the event or put together his own.

In short, you are doing the right thing.
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From what I've read, mom has a small bank account,are you on it?
I don't want to see it taken away when it could provide a bit of assistance with her funeral arrangements. I know where you are coming from totally! Mom,90, is in hospice care and doing rather well but I needed to know what she wants when the time comes.
I found out she likes purple flowers (with white) and I took pictures of memorials she saw online and she picked out flowers and music. If anyone has any arguments they'll have to take it up with her...IF they meet her in the afterlife! Point is you're there and you care deeply enough to respect her wishes and you don't need anymore grief from anyone. Caregiver is a huge responsibility and hardly appreciated. I went through trying to get my brother to be POA because he didn't like my judgements... Oh, no! That could be harmful to his family but it's ok if anything happens to me? It's not easy feeling like your disposable. You know your mother is very happy with you and let the rest go.
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You have done the right thing.
You told us he is controlling and he and wife sound like a nightmare.
If he wants to be told when you SEE mom, which is insane, what will he do about a FUNERAL, do you suppose?
He and wife have told you who they are.
BELIEVE them and EMBRACE the knowledge.

Now to the funeral.
Your Mom asked you to plan her funeral and gave you PROOF that these were her wishes.
You have fulfilled them.
That is simple. And you have no relationship with your brother now so why would you discuss that with him? Just to cause yourself woe?
When, sadly, your mom passes you will notify your brother and you will tell him this one simple FIVE WORD sentence.
"Mom already planned her funeral".
NOTHING else. No explanation.
If he causes some sort of stink you will put mom's notarized letters in front of hiim telling him:
"Everyone knew you would cause problems, so mom made her wishes clear".
12 MORE words, should they be required.

Now, stop thinking about this.
This man has changed. It happens. What you had you no longer have. He is in the thrall, apparently of a wife who has changed him or he himself was never who you thought he was. He may change back. He may leave her. THAT would be the time to talk with him; when he changes back.

I will tell you now that this is all your own choice, but I will also tell you that, imho, your going to your brother and that woman now would be like poking sticks into a nest of vipers. WORSE, it COULD cause your brother to disturb your sweet Mom, cause a warfare between siblings with her torn and tormented in the middle. You are a devoted and loving daughter; don't do that to her. Don't endanger her.

Now, I will tack this on. Upon reading this I see that you say something to the effect that anytime you bring up something involving money your brother says "no".
I hope by that you are not saying your brother is POA for your mother. Because if he is, he may also be executor, and as such, if he is in charge of things, he could completely ignore your plans upon your mom's death, and arrange services as he likes. That should be considered. You could only hand him the papers and the information about services and that they are paid. I am sorry you paid for it, but I think that you will always be GLAD you did so.
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