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Can I put my wife in a nursing home against her will? I am her only caretaker and I do not do a very good job of it. I am resentful after 4 years of being the only one. Her son comes to get money, grandsons maybe call once in a while. No visitors come, everyone is afraid they may have to help with something. I am exhausted. Had PT and nurse and bather for about 4 weeks but insurance run out on them. Now have a homemaker 2 hours a day 5 days a week. She lays in her diaper all day with no changes. She is unable to even sit up on her own let alone get up to use commode. lays there 24 7 flat on her back, even to eat and drink which makes quite a mess, has no desire to sit up. Dementia is setting in, tried to eat with the phone as a fork, forgets how to even use the phone, She watches cars go by the house all day long but has to ask me if there is a road in front of the house and what the cross street is and about the stop light. There is no cross street and no stop light. Many things like that happening daily. Trying to get her on medicaid, i think they pay for nursing homes, hope so cause i can't. Do I need to get POA and a living will now or what? she is 72 im 62, i can't lift her anymore, tore ligimates in shoulder doing that, even to sit her up i can't hold her up, she leans backwards, refuses to lean forward to sit up. Therapy gave up on her said they can do nothing, her legs are constricted with muscles drawing up. bad knees, leukemia (lgl)type, arthritis and buldging discs in spine, fibromyalgia, diabetic, on coumadin for which i have no way to monitor at this time, dr working on that, needs to be done weekly. So she is totally imobile as far as walking, cant even stand up. Depression has really set in on me and I don't know what to do. Anyone suggestions please. on AgingCare.com:

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Jackie: I have a couple of questions. How long have you and your wife been married and does she have assets of her own or all assets in both of your names? When her son comes by to get money, does she give it to him? Do you work and is she alone during the days with just the homemaker coming in 2 hours a day?

The circumstances you both face sound tragic and daunting. One suggestion would be that the doctor order a hospital bed for her. Medicare will pay for that and the bed can be elevated to a sitting position. The doctor should also require the best mattress to help eliminate pressure sores.

With the care your wife gets, it's certainly possible that she has a urinary track infection due to hygiene issues. She may also be dehydrated. Her confusion could be a result of that and not dementia. Does her doctor truly understand the conditions she lives under?

I can understand that your are exhausted and depressed, but you need some professional guidance in how to get your wife better care. If you haven't done so, you need to have a serious heart to heart talk with her doctor and you should talk to your Area on Aging office to see what can be done to bring in additional help. Depending on your income, sometimes this can be done for pennies on the dollar.
With all her medical issues, would she qualify for Hospice care? Yes, Medicaid does pay for nursing home placement.

Another question is would your wife agree to give you POA and is she of sound mind to do so.
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Have you called hospice? They can come in and evaluate if she is appropriate for their services...medicare pays for hospice. Hospice can help with lots of things...they usually have a medicaid guru to guide you..social workers to calm you and nurses that will come weekly or more often to monitor your wife's health...it wouldn't hurt to call them at least for the evaluation...let them decide if she is appropriate. You need help in all areas, especially your emotional health and getting enough sleep and rest for yourself. So...call hospice today and get some info...you may be surprised to find that hospice is not just for the very end...it is for up to 12 months of the end of life...if the person seems to be doing better and no longer needs the hospice, they will be discharged and then be eligible to have their services later on. I had my mom, 88 with dementia, on hospice for the last 6 months and just this week she was discharged due to "patient improvement". Please call them for information - it could be a Godsend for you.
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Jackienickname, my heart goes out to you. It is so difficult to see the person you love best in all the world suffer. And it is so exhausting to be the only caregiver and wage earner for year after year. The situation is heartbreaking.

I have been my husband's caregiver for almost 9 years now. He is not bedbound and is more physically functional than your wife, so I am lucky that way. He has dementia, however. He too does not want to ever be in a nursing home, but we have discussed it several times in his most coherent times and I have promised him I will always see that he has the best care he can have, and I've also said the time may come when I can't give him the best care at home. That will be very sad, but the disease itself is very sad. We all have to do the best we can.

It doesn't sound like your wife is on Medicaid yet. Applying for that is a time-consuming process, especially fr married people, so I suggest you start that process as soon as possible.

Best wishes to you in this very difficult situation.
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Yes you can put her in a nursing home because you can have her taken by ambulance. Also, the other suggestions about hospice and medicare are very good. Having a doctor state that she is no longer to be cared for at home or something that would help to facilitate you placing her in a nursing home is very important. You can also call in state help as well.
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Hi, it sounds like you have been doing a job by yourself & it is time you have others to help you. I think I would start with the Doctor. Be honest & let him know the difficulty you are having caring for your wife by yourself. He may not realize what you are going through. And you may not have able to communicate that effectively with all that is going on. I would also suggest talking with an elder care law attorney about your property & joint assets & the legal side of this. Having written all this down now, you probably have a better handle on things then having them spin around in your head while coping with everyday life. It can be overwhelming at times added to all the emotions that go with it. Bottom line is your wife & you need help and that is what the professional community can do for you. In all honesty, I don't think most people go to a nursing home willingly. But sometimes it is needed. Know that in 30 years in marriage, you have built the trust to help provide that care if you can not physically do anymore. That is an honorable thing to do & will give both of you a chance to stop trying to survive & help both of you relax more & enjoy her last precious years.
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There is a new law here in Kentucky, and I'm told it's everywhere now, that before you put your loved one in a nursing home, it requires a three day hospital stay IF you are going to be applying for Medicaid eventually for long term care. Medicare will then cover the hospital and the first 120 days in the nursing home. When they are in the hospital, they evaluate whether your loved one would benefit from either physical therapy, speech therapy, or occupational therapy. (and it sounds like your wife would). Then they will admit her to the nursing home for therapy. My attorney told me that if your loved one's scope of care is more than you can manage physically or mentally, you absolutely can put them in against their will. I'm sorry you are going through this. Our situations are all different, but share that common thread of periodically being frustrated and overwhelmed. Good luck. p.s. I'm just posting what I believe to be true, if I am incorrect about something, tell me, and I will appreciate it. However, I am not posting to start a debate about my thoughts. Thanks.
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Can I ask why they didn't keep her for long term care after she was done with rehab? (especially if they admitted that the therapy didn't work). Did you meet with a social worker in the nursing home and explain your situation?
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If you are concerned about money and medicaid, there is a government program called: prevention of spousal impoverishment. The program is for couples in your situation where you are living in the community but your wife may need to be in a nursing home. If you qualify, your wife can be placed on medicaid to cover the cost of the nursing home and you are allowed to keep a certain amount of assets and monthly income. If you make more than the maximum allowed (about $2,700/month), then you will have to pay the difference to the nursing home. The nursing home should be able to walk you through it.
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I hope Medicaid kicks in quickly for you. I know from experience that you have to make calls and really stay on top of it, or it won't get done in a timely fashion. I have had people actually say to me "Well it's been here on my desk for two weeks, but I needed (fill in the blank) before I could process it." Meantime, they hadn't even made the effort to call me and ask me a simple question, therefore holding the whole process up. I've not applied for medicaid yet for my mother, but experienced this with her medical benefits. I hate that they let your mother out of the nursing home in the first place, seeing as therapy hadn't made any improvements for her. I'm thinking of you and hoping for resolution and help with your problem. Contrary to what some people think, there is no shame in knowing your limitations and making alternate arrangements for your loved one.
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Oh my gosh, here I am answering a question that was asked in 2012. My Goodness...LOL..wonder how I ended up on this question.

I sure wish the poster would come back and update us then. Since this was 3.5 years ago, I sure do wonder what happened with this husband's wife and his situation.
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