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My sisters provide very little to no help in the care of my Mother but are quick to judge me and readily discuss how "I am not handling the task well from an emotional perspective". My mom lost vision in one eye and has seriously compromised vision in the other eye. She was a staunchly independent woman but now lives in her own apartment in my home, and my sisters justify their lack of help because they do not live near us. However when they do visit, it is just that a visit- like they are company. If I want them to dust or mop or vacuum, I must ask them to do something, basically a favor to help me out. They will say things like " if you need me to do something, then just ask". Well I don't want to ask because then it is a favor they are doing for me. My point of view is no one needs to ask me - if the house needs to be cleaned - I can see it with my own eyes - and simply do what needs to be done to keep Mom and her apartment clean. I have given up asking them to do anything, they are just so clueless with respect to her needs. Our relationship has deteriorated to the point that I believe when my Mom passes, my relationship with them will be nothing more than just being courteous to each other on the rare occasions I will happen to see them. So sad, we used to all be very close.

I have made many mental notes to myself regarding my own impending old age that I would like to share. I have a ton of resentment and constantly hear their feable excuses about why they cannot help. By the by, both sisters are retired and receiving their SS. As for me, mid 50s, walked away from my career and draining my 401k (with penalties), severely compromised my future security, an no kids to potentially take care of me in old age. How will I get passed this resentment?

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Eileen, it seems as though you made a choice to care for mom yourself, quit your job and are endangering your future financial security. Did you discuss this with your sisters before you did it? Did they agree to help out financially, or doing other tasks and have reneged on that? Or are you assuming that they should make these same choices because you have?

How much care does mom need? What are her resources? Is the cost of care less where your sisters live?

Care in NYC is very high. When mom declined to the point that she could no longer stay in Independent Living near her old home, we sat down and researched the options for cost of care and quality of care near each of us. One of my brothers is much less involved, but also still has kids in school. My other brother and I came to an agreement about where mom would live and who would be responsible for what. When one goes on vacation, we tell the other, who increases visits/vigilance. We make sure that we're not all away at the same time.

An yes, you have to ask them to dust or mop. I would never assume that that's expected on a visit unless someone asked me.
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If a sister came to my house and started mopping the floor, I would be insulted.

I did not want my sister to care for mother hand and foot. Mother practically became an invalid. AND the stress killed my sister.

What you are in is a no win situation. You are doing what you think is right and your sisters are doing what they think is right. I am not a care giver. In fact, I make things worse, because I think if you live at home, you need to be able to do basic functions.

Now, Mother is a spry 95 yo, living at the nursing home, where she should have been 5 years ago.

Good luck to you. I think you know what is best.
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Thanks for your response. My sisters just assumed I would take care of Mom because I lived in close proximity to her, and they just did not step up and offer any alternatives for her care - so I did what I thought was the right thing to do. You are correct that no one asked me to do this, so it is my issue and I will live with the financial insecurity and consequences of this decision. However, why is it alright for them to assume I should be the caregiver but I cannot assume they should help with housework on the rare occasions when they do visit. Who do they think is doing all the work - there is no housekeeper or maid here - just me.
Since I was just looking for some insight on how I may be able to repair my relationship with my sister's and do not want to now defend myself and my decisions on this site, I withdraw this question and will figure it out on my own.
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It is too late for would of, should of, could of. You just have to let go of the resentment. Believe me, I know it isn't easy and may help to talk to a counselor about these issues. Your sisters are not going to change. It doesn't sound like their behavior is anything new.

You might try honestly talking to them and letting them know you can no longer care for Mom as you do now and other options need to be explored. Check with senior services for what assistance Mom qualifies for. Allow someone to come in to clean and take care of laundry each week. Maybe you can find a part time job. No where is it written that we should give up our emotional and physical wellbeing for someone else; no matter how much we love them. Take care of yourself first.

Wishing you all the best!
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No don't withdraw. I wouldn't wait until mom passes. By then, you'll be so full of vengeful fantasies....well, you get the picture. I think what I was trying to say is, you seem to be making a lot of assumptions, but then, so are your sisters. Why on earth don't you have an email or video chat with them and hash this out a bit. Would they be willing to give you respite from time to time? Provide some financial support ( a once a month housekeeper, a gym membership, grocery money?) Look, your sisters may be clueless and selfish, but you won't know unless you ask. Otherwise, I don't see how to repair this after the fact.

Is there any chance that mom can afford Assisted Living so you can go back to work?
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Eileen it sounds like you're very stressed, which is understandable. When people post questions on here, they get a range of answers. A lot of times we're asking the poster even more questions, because we need more information to understand the whole situation. So don't take it as a criticism when people are asking for more information or offering another way to look at the situation. We're here to support you and listen to you and hopefully offer some good ideas.

My situation is somewhat similar to yours, except I have one brother who lives states away. I have assumed all care for my parents (because we lived in the same state), even though my brother is married, so there could have been two people doing the work instead of just me. I've had full responsibility for my mom for 13 years and my dad for 9 before he passed away.

My feelings about my brother have gone through ups and downs. For a long while, I was so angry at him, it was killing me (and not hurting him in the least). So I finally figured that out and now I tolerate him. He's teased that when his time comes, I can take care of him too...and I've told him that ain't never going to happen! I'm single, never married, no kids. He doesn't have any kids either, so we're on our own in that way. My brother isn't a bad guy, he's just totally clueless and married to a clueless wife. In 13 years of taking care of our parents, I'd say I've gotten less than a handful of sincere "thank yous" or a gift or something to indicate he has some idea of the stress and strain this has put on me.

Once my mom goes, I'm not sure what my relationship with him will be - but I'll never fully trust him to do the right thing as far as caregiving goes, because he's been woefully inadequate with our mom. He did say to change mom's will, so that I would get everything, so I respect him for that choice. But that's about as far as it goes.

I have also learned that I have to ask for what I need from him, even though it seems obvious to me. I finally told him I needed him to call mom one day a week, so I could have one "down" day where I didn't do anything for her. He kept forgetting to do it and after a big blow-up from me, he's been good about doing that. It's pretty pitiful to me when you have to ask/cajole/beg a child to spend three minutes on the phone once a week with their one remaining parent, but that's what it took. So hang in there, you are NOT alone.
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Ask. Tell. Drop hints. I lived 1500 miles away. I would have needed asked if I could do the laundry, etc., while I was there. On the other hand, Mother did not want anyone using her washing machine. And, I have a sister that is 76 that hasn't cleaned anything in 60 years. (So, that is another problem.)

Mother did allow trusted neighbors to clean and do the handyman work, but that was it. She threw a fit once, when I hired the snow cleared from her driveway.

So, sometimes we are damned when we do and damned when we don't.
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Eileen you say "They will say things like " if you need me to do something, then just ask". Well I don't want to ask because then it is a favor they are doing for me. My point of view is no one needs to ask me - if the house needs to be cleaned - I can see it with my own eyes..." . You expect them to see what you see and step up without being asked, and then harbour resentment when they don't. Frankly I expecting them to read your mind is kind of unreasonable. Perhaps they really are clueless and don't "see" what needs to be done, perhaps they are afraid to overstep into your space, perhaps they really are selfish, but give them the benefit of the doubt. Tell them what you need, and not something vague like "I need you to help more". If you want them to vacuum mom's apt or pick up some items for mom from the store or take her home with them once a month to give you respite then just say so.
As for your financial difficulties it seems to me if your mom is able to live in her own apartment within your home she probably doesn't really need you there 24/7. Perhaps it is time to admit to yourself, your mom and your sibs that you didn't think this through and things need to change. You say you all used to be close, so I'm sure none of them expect you to be dipping into your retirement funds and compromising your own future. Its O.K. to change your mind. Ask for them to help you brainstorm ideas to get you back on track financially. Can mom go to senior daycare while you work? Is she able to stay alone part of the day with caregivers? Would she be better off in assisted living? It is in YOUR power to change things, don't quietly simmer until you burn out or explode.
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FWIW, Eileen, I really do understand your dilemma here. I think that often what happens is that the closest sibling, or the first to become aware of the parent's needs or get called on by the parent, steps up to help and then the others view that as a choice and as the arrangement that has been made between the parent and the sibling. The others are reluctant to disturb it, especially since it works so well for them. Even if they know the situation in not great for the caregiver, they don't know how to address it without involving themselves more than they want to, so they hold back and leave things alone. The siblings telling you to ask if you want them to do anything - that's more than I've gotten from my siblings - but it also implies that they see the responsibility as yours, not as shared. I can see why this rankles you, as it does me.

I also drained my 401(k), with penalties, in my case to put a down payment on Mom's house so she could live closer to more of her adult children. My siblings knew I didn't want to do it ( I came right out and told them this, loud and clear), but it was easier for them to just let it happen because any different plan would have involved them more than they wanted. I have seen this over and over - siblings who were previously close have no problem making one of them the sacrificial lamb so the parent's needs can be accommodated without disrupting anybody else's life too much. I wish I knew what to tell you. I'm not on speaking terms with two of my sisters and I don't expect that to change after my mother dies.
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These stories are exactly why each and every one of us, need to decide where we are moving when we can no longer take care of the house. Don't leave it up to someone else, to figure out.

I heard my SIL say "I told my kids that they better not ever put me in a NH in Illinois." I said "They can't put you anywhere. You need to make that decision, soon." She is 70 and she looked at me like I was out of my mind.
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My siblings are useless, provide no help and one actually goes out of her way to make my caregiving for mom miserable, even though she lives only minutes away, is wealthy, married and has grown children that could help, too. They have no clue of the physical, personal, financial or emotional sacrifices we make taking care of our parents. In my case, it's been this way since we were kids; being youngest, I got stuck doing everything. Those roles don't seem to ever change. When I flat out asked one for help and defined what that help need to be, he made the excuse that he didn't help out because he thought mom and I were "too peas in a pod" and that I wouldn't really want his help, We do need to tell them what we expect from them, too, before we complain about them not helping out. Sometimes they are just lazy and expect us to do it all, but sometimes they just need to be asked. In my case, the help never arrived, the relationships are worse than ever, I will never trust them, and hope I never I have to see them after mom is gone. Sad.
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I have been reading this post off and on for a long time. I am the caregiver for my 87 year old Mother. I live close and everyone assumes I will do it all because I am a registered nurse. I have been very direct in asking for help, but have learned that people do what they want to do.
I directly ask my retired sister to please visit mom once a month to take her out to lunch and shopping, so I can have a break and Mom can have a change of scenery. Mom lives in a retirement center. My sister agreed to this, but doesn't follow through. She didn't bother to visit for several months over the last year, but is happy to show up for parties hosted at my home. In the past I have offered for my sister to stay in my home while visiting with Mom, since my sister lives 2 hours away. Last time my sister's visit went on for 5 days and she only saw Mom at my house for a few hours on Thanksgiving. No visit at Christmas. No visit in January.
She called yesterday to inquire about Mom's Birthday Party in February and said I am always mad. The same issue has been addressed several times, so I will no longer ask for help or keep her updated on Mom's status. It's beating a dead horse!
I have become angry and resentful, but yesterday decided to let it all go and do the right thing for Mom. I will have no regrets and my happiness returned when I decided you can't control what other family members do. If you have asked for help and have been refuse, move on. Who cares about building a relationship when Mom passes...the only time we have is now.
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Eileen, I think I understand what you are experiencing, and your concerns regarding your relationship with your siblings when your mom passes. Like you, I cleaned up after my mom, and did not ask for help directly but I suggested that each of my eight siblings come by or call mom once in a while. Someone wrote, and I agree, that "each and every one of us, need to decide where we are moving when we can no longer take care of the house. Don't leave it up to someone else, to figure out." One of my siblings' house is obliquely behind mine, but because I did not ask, I did not get help.

My mom passed away in 2010, and after her burial, the strong family tie broke. I am still asking 'what went wrong, and how to restore that tie.'. When you get the answer, please share it with me..
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I also have decided to just let it go. It took more energy to stay mad. I have come to the conclusion that not everyone is able to be a caregiver. Sometimes parents want the help of one child more then another. At the end of my journey with my mom I knew I did the best I could for my mom and had no regrets and no guilt.
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Patrice...it's good to know I'm not alone. I was the only caregiver for my Dad and have no regrets, so I'll do the same for Mom. I'll try to make her smile for the time she has left.
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nohelphere, I have simply thrown in the towel for my SIL. I thought she was a dingbat. She won't care for her mother, she won't clip nails, she won't check her legs, she can't take vitals, she won't help mom bathe or shave her face.
So I dug deeper. I found out that she was only ten when her father died of cancer. Her mother insisted she go see him lying dead in bed.
She did not cry, she just went blank and never spoke about it. Ever.
To this day she is no good in any crisis. She is 60.
So I guess for every one of us who jumps in to be the caregiver, there are at least two sibling that just go blank. You can't repair the blank ones. You just let it go, give it to God, and move on.
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Carla, I'm puzzled why you drained your 401k, when your sibs did not want you to, you did not want to, so why? It is the elder whose needs are changing and it is up to them to make the accommodations. Why on earth should anyone think that they are queen or king of the universe and everything must revolve around their preferences? Certainly the caregiver is entitled to health, sanity and work toward financial security, before the parent gets what they want (want, not need).
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My sisters and brothers don't help. They dump it all on me. When Dad dies, I will attend the funeral mass, then take off. I never want to see or hear from them again. I gave up resentment and hate I simply don't want or need them. They aren't anybody I want to know. Pay some to clean and find some support outside your family. They aren't clueless, they simple won't help. Let all anger go. Good luck
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Rovana, I think I need to clarify what I said. Several years ago, two of my sisters and I moved my mother across the state to live near my two sisters. At the time I was the only one living near Mom and I was still working. She began to need more and more help (especially after she stopped driving) and it was more than I could handle. Unfortunately, there are very few rentals in the community where my sisters (and now my mother) live, and none were handicap-friendly. (My mother can't climb stairs, can't get into a regular bathtub, etc.) The only solution seemed to be to buy a house for her in my sisters' community. Everyone expected me to live with her, being that my two sisters both owned their own homes already. Therefore it made sense to everyone that I would provide the down payment, since my mother had no savings. I had to withdraw the money from my 401(k) with penalties, since I was under 59 1/2 at the time and still working. My sisters did help with Mom's moving expenses.

I was faced with a choice - to go on caring for Mom myself without help, or to help her financially to move to my sisters' community. Neither was a good choice, and I knew it at the time, but I thought giving up the savings would be less painful in the long run than being solely responsible for my mother's ever-increasing needs. I think on balance it was - one of my sisters helps Mom quite a bit and provides me with a lot of moral support. The other, not so much, and the out of state siblings, not at all. FWIW, I took joint ownership of my mother's house so that if there is any equity in the house remaining after my mother dies, I won't have to share it with my siblings. I doubt very much I'll get most of my down payment back but at least whatever is there won't have to be shared with do-nothing siblings.
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I have reached the realization that my brother has participated in the care of our parents as much as he wants to or will do. Dad died about six years ago and my brother was a no show as Dad was dying in the hospital ( he didn't want to remember Dad that way). He was a no show when Mom had 2 eye surgeries and when she had her hip surgery and post op complications. He did remain in closer phone contact calling daily during those times (he lives about 1500 miles away). He calls Mom once a week for a brief conversation. He gets multiple vacations each year and he usually comes to see Mom twice a year for about 4 days each time. He has never offered to give me a break even for a day when he visits. I no longer feel obligated to keep him updated on how Mom is doing. I've given him my cell number and told him to give me a call if he has any questions or concerns. In many respects he's been a good son to our folks but he has not participated in the 24/7 care that has been required for the last seven years. That has been my job.
I imagine when Mom is gone I will have a polite but distant relationship with my brother. It is not because I resent him or dislike him but it's because while I have basically given up my life these years to care for our parents, he's had a chance to lead a "normal" life. Think of the opportunities he's had. He's taken multiple vacations out of the country, he's gotten to see and play with his grandchildren, he plays golf almost daily, he has been able to do what he wants when he wants. When this caregiving is over I'm going to have a lot of living to do to make up for the years I've lost and I'm not sure there will be time for a close relationship with my brother.
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How about not asking but telling, much like a boss gives assignments to staff? Its not a request or a favor then. If they don't "see" what needs to be done, don't allow this "blindness" to let them slide. Simply say ok while you are here there are things that need to be done, such as...(list them). Who would like to take charge of (fill in the blanks). Be a take charge person instead of a door mat. If they protest and say they are visitors, then say ok then we will all chip in and hire a housekeeper. (have some idea how much it costs in your area).

Take out the emotions and be straight forward. I bet that will take them by surprise that sis isn't Cinderella anymore.

Good luck
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I am in the same boat. My mom requires quite a bit of care. She had a brain tumor and is w/c bound unable to walk. The WBR destroyed her thinking as well. She lives right behind me so it was assumed I would care for her. I didn't mind. What I do mind is my brother who is 35 minutes away refuses to help in any way. I call and ask him to help with dr appts as there are many. He always says no, as does his wife. I have 5 kids ranging from two five year olds up to 19. One of the 5 year olds has heart issues and cleft issues. I am worn. I have asked him to just visit her but he won't even do that. So on top of everything I do I feel I have to visit her everyday. She can't do anything and gets so lonely. Yet when I leave she usually throws out a guilt trip that I only stayed an hour or so. Even if he would visit it would help. Honestly, I am done with my brother. I will always love him but I don't like how he is and I do not plan to keep in touch with him. If he wants to then I will respond but I certainly won't be initiating anything.
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I agree with CarlaCB,the siblings shouldn't have to be asked to do things, its their mother, too, and to stop by for a visit isn't enough. They are comfortable with the situation, no stress, no work, and want to keep it that way. So wrong.
Nohrelphere, my guess is that when your mom dies you and your siblings are each going to go their own way and no longer talk. You could address the issue now, which probably would result in a fight, and still no help. I would, at least things would be out in the open, and you would feel better knowing you tried. If you end up screaming at each other, so be it There going to use the fact that they don't live close as an excuse not to help, and that's a lot of bull.
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I am in a very similar situation. When mom (89-y/o) could no longer live by herself, my older sister took her to RI. They put her in assisted living after a month, saying that they couldn't provide the proper care. Her husband saw mom the most (once every 2 weeks) and sis only came once every 6-8 weeks. I brought mom back to NY where she is from, in assisted living, 30-min. drive from me. When my brother (who lives in IL) comes to visit each month, same thing... he & his family make a mess in mom's room, I get to clean it up. I've asked them to pick up after themselves but they don't care or they're slobs.
Mom's money will last 10 years. If she lives beyond that, I'm sure my siblings will not help. But 4-5 years before that happens, I will ask my siblings what they plan to contribute. I will not walk away from my job or drain my 401K b/c I am single & childless, so when I'm old and require care, no one will be there for me. I will instead, figure out a way to care for mom in a cheaper environment somehow, while still maintaining a certain comfort & care level.

My advice to you is... talk to your siblings about needing help. They need to help out too. If they still refuse, then you can cut ties with no remorse, when the time comes. Also, you need to think about your own future, b/c I doubt your siblings will help in your old age. Don't give up everything. Find resources to help out. As the flight attendants say, you need to put your own oxygen mask on first, before you can help anyone else. Don't be a complete slave to your mother and siblings. You need to also think about yourself. Otherwise, you will end up full of resentment and stress-induced illnesses. Good luck.

ps. If you were penniless, what would your siblings do? You are not being fair to yourself, to self sacrifice so much. You must think about your own future, while caring for mom. Easier said than done, but just keep thinking to yourself... if I had a zero balance tomorrow, what would I do, to care for mom? And then pretend you have a zero balance. I am willing to bet my bottom dollar that your siblings will not help you out when you're old and require care and have no money.
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My suggestion for "asking for help" from sibs (having not read every comment) is to post a list of chores with a check off column. When anyone comes to visit you can refer them to the list and tell them to chose something. Others DON'T always know what needs to be done if they don't live daily in a situation. And, they're NOT doing you a favor. It's like when I talk with my supervisor at work about what needs to be done. Some things may be obvious, but not necessarily. I'm not doing my boss any "favor" by asking and following up, I'm clarifying how I can best be of assistance and do my job. If sisters act like they're "doing you a favor" let that be THEIR issue, not yours.
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My brother lives in the same town and refuses to help and yes I am treated like the paid caregiver in family events. Everyone stands by as I struggle to get my mother out of a car. My siblings were close to my mother UNTIL she became unable to cook those dinners for them, drive herself etc. You never know how anyone is going to react to situations. Some step up, some step back. I WILL NEVER have anything to do with them after all pass into the next dimension. I am now at the point of just being polite.

And the reason they ask YOU if YOU need any help from them is to put you in your place as the caregiver. You should reply, hey if you think it is okay mom to be in a dirty house, ok. I don't, my standards are higher than yours when it comes to caring for OUR mother.
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I have zero experience with assisted living however I thought that when you ran out of funds you would still be assured a medicare bed in nursing home section of facility. I am guessing that not all assisted living facities have this option? Why would you just not start with an assisted living that facility that has this option rather then moving mom when her funds are depleted?
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Sorry that was addressed for suzy&betsy
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You may be able to get paid to take care of your mom, although I know you'd do it without payment, you must think of your future as well. contact your local area agency on aging or bureau of senior services for info on in home programs that your mom may be eligible for.
As for family not helping, I see this all the time. It's unfortunate. I think some people just don't know what to do. You could have a family meeting and discuss 'taking turns' caring for mom even if it's for a couple of days. Realize that some may not be 'cut out' for caregiving. They probably do not have a clue about all the things you do because mom is living with you. This includes extra expenses, meals, laundry, medical appointments etc. You should be using mom's funds for mom's care and the things she needs. As for repairing the relationship, that may never happened. If they came to my house and made comments about mom's care I wouldn't be too happy and would probably tell them they don't have a right to comment since they are not involved. You would think families would band together during times like these, you just do the best you can. I applaud you for taking your mom in when she needed your help. Remember, you are not alone as a caregiver and many of us also have family issues.
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I can relate to these responses and behaviors (or lack thereof) from siblings. It's very difficult when they don't do what's asked, or stop by for "visits" and often are clueless. I think most of my sibs are in denial or frankly, just don't care. I finally realized that having resentment and anger was hurting me, not them. I prayed a lot. I talked to a good friend. I decided to focus on what I'm doing and not on what my siblings are NOT doing. No, it's not easy. Many days I want to give up, but I love my dad (who had a stroke two years ago) and that love is often what carries me through. And knowing when he dies, I will be at peace because I did all I could. Blessings and prayers to many of us who struggle with family members who just don't -- or won't -- help. So hard.
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