Rest home visits with a toddler?

Your first obligation is to your son. How would you feel if Grandma pushed him off his feet, pinched him or hit him? These were all things my mom, with dementia, was capable of. At this point, I fear there isn’t much chance of any “bond” being formed between the two of them. Dad is deluding himself. Firmly explain to your father that Mom has violent tendencies and you will under no circumstances be exposing your son to that. If, in his eyes, that labels you as “selfish”, so be it. If you feel you must visit, check out babysitting co-ops in your neighborhood or perhaps a stay-at-home mom who offers drop in babysitting. Facebook Marketplace is a good place to find local kids who would babysit for an hour or so so you can visit. But be aware that Mom may not even remember that you were there.

As usual, agreeing with Ahmijoy. Is it possible for your dad to care for your son? That might lighten up your father to be able to care for him and let you visit your mother without any distraction or stress?

I have differing opinions on this topic. When my Mother was on her deathbed in the hospital my brother and S I L brought their kids to visit several times. The youngest was 10 years old at the time, so not really young but he looked freaked out. I get letting your children learn about death and so on but I think one visit to say good bye would have sufficed.

As for nursing home visits, I feel kind of the same way about that. Let kids see and learn without experiencing any trauma but if the person they are visiting is not in their right mind and could adversely affect the child in a psychological way then perhaps maybe you need to reconsider.

AJ,
I agree also, your 1st responsiblity is to your son. It is practically impossible to control a toddler anyway. I hope your visits are short.

Speaking of short visits, could you pop in for 5-10 minutes twice a week, instead of an hour long (or extended) visit once a week?
That might satisfy your dad's request to see your mom more often but lighten your load with the little one.

I used to keep toys in the trunk of the car that were only brought out when we went out to dinner. They were like new toys to our son and made for some calm dinners out. Maybe you could try this when you visit your mom. Also, possibly a walker so you can restrain him and use the tray in front to play with the "new toys". A favorite snack would be a treat to keep him calm for a good minute and a half too. LOL!

I sympathize with you honey. It must be very hard with a little one to not have your mom mentally well to be able to share in his life. You must do what is best for you and your son. God bless your mom, she won't remember anyway. Do what works for your son.

Thanks so much for your comments- it’s really appreciated and your right that my son comes first - which he does but it’s hard to say that without feeling like a traitor to my mom. There is so much pressure to be everything to everyone, I really appreciate the perspective and the great ideas. I will try shorter visits and separate toys- everything worth a try :)

The bottom line is that your dad is not able to give up on the idea that his grandchild establish a typical bond with the victim of a horrible condition which
prevents her from reacting to that child in the typical way that a grandma would and should.
How much does your guilt come from his grief for what could have been, but now, in her condition, cannot be?
I go to my LO’s AL about once a week with my my grandson, who at 2 1/2 uses a wheelchair, but is outgoing and enjoys “visiting” the residents and employees there.
My LO, his great-grand Aunt, loves him and enjoys the visits. We usually stay from 15-20 minutes, and he can safely roll around in his wheelchair and amuse himself, under our watchful supervision.
My guilt comes from the fact that I would have loved to have taken care of them both at home, but had to admit that I could never manage it. Everybody who loves someone with dementia has guilt about something.
You are doing what you should be doing. Your father is acting the way he does from his grief. Does he ever see your son at the residence? Perhaps if he saw your mom’s reactions to her grandson, it would help clarify the problems of which you are already aware.

Maybe one of the staff members can talk to Dad. Explain that they feel its not wise, at this stage of Moms dementia, for you to bring a toddler. That Mom has been shown to have agressive tendencies so its not safe for your son to be near her. Sometimes its better coming from someone else. Then when he excepts that, you can tell him now son is older, it makes it harder to get out. He has a routine that you need to work around. I am assuming you are not working. If not you are living on one salary hiring a sitter may be money you rather not spend or can't afford. (Been there) Maybe son doesn't take well to other people?

I took my 3 yr old GS to visit. At that time Mom was able to enjoy him. A male resident played ball with them. The other residents enjoyed him. But seems that doesn't happen with you. Your visit is stressful. Mom doesn't know you or who your son is, then I don't see how visiting her is good for anyone. She has no idea you have been there. I can see where you feel you need to visit for you but its not even possible. I guess nighttime is bad because of sundowning. Not a good time for her, Dinner then getting them ready for the evening in their rooms then going to bed.

Can you visit your mom once a week, or twice a month? Could you get a babysitter during those times?

Do they have family activities at the home? I care for 2 grandsons, just turned 4 and 2 1/2, and visiting my Dad with them at the assisted living is just plain impossible. However, the facility has wonderful monthly family activities (picnics, dinners, bands, farm animals, holiday parties) where the children are entertained in the presence of Great Grandpa. The other residents love seeing the children. My son frequenty brings my other 2 grandsons, 9 months and 4. I love that my grandsons are able to have fun with their great Grandpa.

This must be so tough for you. My feeling is that you are fine not going to visit your mother for the time being. I am sorry your Dad can't understand. I like the idea of having someone on the staff (occupational therapist, director??) explain the problem to him. It seems like bringing your son would not benefit him, you, or your Mom. The only benefit to bringing him is to make your Dad feel better, although I understand your desire to please your Dad too.

Is there any possibility of having some sort of play corral for him that you could set up to separate him and your Mom? I know managing that would be a huge hassle, but maybe it would allow a visit every couple weeks for a limited time and that might help your Dad feel better.

Or is there a friend or family member who could visit with you, and you two could take turns with your son, even keeping him in a separate area most of the time.

Has your dad been there to see the interaction or just have an idealistic of how things could be ?

Your son comes first.

I agree with your own Adult decision that you made. Let Bad Dad be Mad. He will either get over it or go to his grave being a hard nose Grudge bearer.

You said: "...my mom doesn’t know who I am, has little interest in my son other than getting him off me, and has shown aggressive tendencies towards him in the past. The staff advise me over and over not to let her hold him..."

Given that mom doesn't even know you, there is no way she will develop any bond with your son. You know that, the staff knows that and we know that. In addition to perhaps having the staff give him the details, perhaps you could do one more visit with the grand-baby while DAD is THERE so that he can see for himself what the situation is. He is obviously deluding himself that mom is going to bond with the grandson. Until he sees this himself, he isn't likely to change his mind! Seeing is believing...

Our mom has pictures of her great-grandson and when I show her any new ones, she will ask who's kid it is. He did come to visit once at about age 2 with my son, and all the residents enjoyed having him there! She isn't one to do what you indicate your mom is doing, so he is still welcome to visit (doesn't happen much due to the distance.) If our mom was behaving like yours, no way would I subject either of them to this "visit"!

If your dad isn't there personally to witness the visit, can you just tell him that you DID bring your son for a short visit one day? I know it's a lie, but it won't hurt anyone and may just help keep the peace between you and him. Your mom won't be able to say anything, and even if she does, in her state you can just play it down that she doesn't remember. I'm sure the staff will go along, too. Sometimes this is the best way to deal with the elderly....keeps everyone happy and at a lower stress level.

Your mom barely knows what is going on. Do not let your son be traumatized by her behavior just because your dad cherishes a fantasy about a bond that isn't going to be formed. Let him be mad. Your child comes first. Don't let your life be consumed with anxiety about how to make everyone happy. It won't happen and everyone will lose out if you try.

How flexible is your schedule?
Pictures and Video:

Could you ask the staff to let you know when she is having a "good day". Then bring him, I like the stationary walker and 'new toys' ideas. Take video. If you can only do it on your phone, take a series. Take some with a visit to your dad.

Put them together on a video..DVD or other device available to her, so it can be played in her room. If this is not an option, take still...hard to get still of a toddler, so taking him to the park first might be a good plan. Take photos. Take photos with your dad, their friends. Get cheap all plastic frames and rotate the picture of the "visits".

On a good day you can take picture or video, short clips, of your visit with you mom, saying Hi to you son.

If you lived cross country, this is how you would Bond! So do this with both parents now.

One last thing, when my dear Aunt had AL & it advanced to stage of not recognizing her children or grandchildren, she still remembered her son as that nice handsome young man who was always so kind to her when he came. She would think his visit was recent, even if it had been several months. ( He lived far away). So you can never be sure of the impression she remembers. You might be the nice lady that brings her pictures of those cute kids.

Talk to the staff about playing the video for her. Fill some of it with film or pictures of you and friends) siblings? from years ago. This has been researched to be helpful for ALZ patients.

It is very stressful to go to a visit that many times a week with a toddler, and someone with dementia. Extremely stressful and potentially dangerous! By her hand or another resident. It could only take a second for something bad to happen.
More importantly is is dangerous to your child's health! Toddlers get into everything. Those floors are dirty and harbor bacteria. That is why cna's arent allowed to set anything on the floor. It can get the place cited/fined. It is a big deal. I wouldnt even want a toddler walking around on that floor. They put everything in their mouths too. Not a good idea.

It is not good to bring a toddler because they can pass colds and sickness to the elderly, and vice versa. Both have immune systems that are very delicate/non existent. Especially now with flu season. My dad's nursing home had several outbreaks. It was spread like wildfire. They even quarantined it at one time.

You need to put your big girl pants on and tell your dad you will not do it. You will not be manipulated any more. Your dad does not dictate what his grown daughter will or wont do. You are an adult now. It is called manipulation and emotional blackmail.
Too bad. He should visit more and stop forcing you to do it because it makes him feel better. Forcingyou into constant visits is jeopardizing your baby's delicate health.

If a parent is going out of their way to guilt their children into doing their bidding, it is a toxic relationship. Normal adults dont interact with each other that way! They dont force other people into doing what they want. It is not normal behavior! You need to stop talking to your dad, or better yet limit conversation.
Tell him you refuse to be manipulated by him any more. If he brings up the topic of how many visits did you do, or demanding to know when and how often you visit etc. Then tell him your visits with him will stop. You wont discuss the issue with him. Period. Do it and mean it! If you need to put your coat on and leave his house, then do it. Hell live just fine and pout like a child. Too bad. You need to put an end to this manipulation. It will make you feel bad to do that, but too bad. You feel bad already.
Do it for your child's health. A nursing home is no place for a toddler. How will you feel if a resident grabs your child and hurts him/her? Or the child gets the flu??? When your sitting in the ER, and your child is crying and cant breathe? Im surprised the nursing staff didnt tell you to limit visits with your child. You dont want your child to get mrsa. You need to do this for the health of your child.

I was in your situation. Not with a child but with my sibling. Always demanding I should visit more and for the entire day. Even getting nursing staff to spy on me. Every phone call would start with when was I there last. I finally said I wont discuss when I visit my dad. Period. I refused to answer the question. Dead silence. My sibling would visit 1x a year. I was done with the manipulation, emotional blackmail, and snide remarks. It is a nasty way to control you. Very toxic. Normal adults dont do that to other people. They usually do it in private where other people cant see/hear them. It is a sign of a very toxic relationship. End the toxicity now.
If you dont believe me about the bugs the baby could get; ask your pediatrician if it is a good idea to visit with the baby 3x a week. Bet you they will tell you it is a baaadddd idea. You can blame him/her. There is your easy way out.

I’ve been following this post and lots of good advice has been given. On one hand, I sympathize with your Dad. I imagine your parents, like my parents, had plans and their own idea of what their golden years would be. No one plans to have alz/dementia and end up in a nursing home. Perhaps seeing your child with your mom would bring dad a sense of normalcy. Or maybe not. Maybe your mom, like my mom, wanted very badly to be a grandma and your dad is still holding on to that. So I do sympathize with him but as a parent myself I am in agreement that bringing your young child to see your mom is a bad idea. It’s too stressful. It could be dangerous. They aren’t going to bond.

as a parent you have to decide what you want to expose your children too. This is a bit different but my FIL has been hospitalized for nearly a month. The hospitals here don’t allow children under 14 to visit so it makes it hard to visit when you don’t have a babysitter. At first I said screw it, we’ll sneak the kids in. They are healthy and vaccinated. There’s sanitizer all over the hospital. So on 12/14, my husband and I went to visit his dad while the kids were in school. I was still planning to sneak them in one day around Christmas. This was also my first time seeing him in the hospital by the way. Anyway, he was in the ICU and as soon as we entered the ICU, I saw in the second room we passed, a person who had just died! There were quite a few doctors and nurses in the room and a security guard and the patient was being given CPR!! On our way out, we passed by the room again and there were 3-4 nurses standing around the bed looking very somber while one person performed what looked like chest massages and a man in a suit with a clipboard was walking in. It was the first time I had ever seen anything like that and it was very upsetting. And I decided nope, we weren’t going to break the rules and sneak the kids in. I was glad the kids weren’t with us. I wouldn’t want them to see that. They are 7 and 11 and I don’t think I would take them to a memory care unit either. Not until they are either and can fully comprehend what is going on. Why people are screaming and behaving differently. Anyway good luck!

OMG just tell your dad off. No guilt there. Might want to even tell a fib to him such as, you know she grabbed Tommy by the arm and left bruises! Don't YOU care for your grandson, how would you feel DAD if it was his THROAT and not his arm next time.

And I don't think any kid needs to grow up being regularly dragged off to see relatives that could traumatize them for life. Some people are best remembered in pictures and by the things they left behind of who they really were pre illness.

Guilt is a pretty useless emotion. Get a therapist if you are stuck on a guilt driven hamster wheel. Otherwise, you already know what is best for you and your son. You know Mom is pretty much checked out of reality. Time to take some ME TIME for you and your son and offer to include dad, (and if he doesnt want to be part of that, THAT can be his own guilt trip.) and do something FUN, like the ZOO or a park or a good play time in the back yard. Mom is where she needs to be, the brain leaves the body long before the body leaves the world. No guilt needed. And no reason why, knowing she is getting the best of care, can't say, NOT RIGHT NOW, maybe NEXT month when things change.

And really, I would NOT be taking a toddler to a dementia ward to someone you cannot even trust to hold him and makes no sense. Kid could really end up with some serious fears and psych problems down the road. Make his childhood a fun one.