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Nearly a year and a half ago my husband and I moved his mother into our house. At the time I was under the understanding that it was temporary and just to get her on her feet. I obviously was wrong...


I will start off with prior to her moving in I had a very good relationship with my mother in law. We have similar interests, she always has been a caring grandmother to our children, and generally she was likable and always with a smile.


There were red flags. I knew she was not the most clean person. She can be dramatic. She can be demanding. But in my mind, we help family when we can so we did. She was being evicted and where else was she to go.


We gave ground rules when she came to live with us. Her room had to be clean and all doors accessible. She could not use her motorized chair but instead had to use a walker (She is obese and would ram into walls causing damage. She is capable of walking and done lots of physical therapy showing so, she just chose to be in the chair because it was easier. This was not us being mean.) It was agreed upon that I would take care of her laundry as she could not get up and down the stairs to our basement. It was also agreed upon that she would provide money to us to cover costs of living there (electricity, laundry detergent, meals, water, etc.). This was her suggestion and welcomed as we were not in a financial position to care for her as we have four, soon to be five children.


Since her move in it has been a disaster. The children and I can no longer use the upstairs bathroom because I can not keep it clean from her use. She is what I would guess is nearly complete urinary incontinence. Her room, our old bedroom, is a complete disaster. She orders daily. So much so it is not a surprise when she receives 2-5 packages a day. (She now hides this by having the delivery driver place it in her room. Yes a stranger in my house!)


I was hoping at our year mark we would be able to revisit the situation and find housing for her. I understand she can no longer live on her own as she has declined so much from living with us but I also am at my wits end living with her. Talking to her is a struggle anymore because I am so upset to what she has done to herself and our house. We have tried talking with her several times about the cleanliness of her room, the bathroom and herself however it falls on deafs ear. She has no interest in changing and if I had to guess is a hoarder by nature.


I'm at a loss. I care about her and her wellbeing. I want to see her do well but she will not change for herself, she most definitely will not change for us. I am in my third trimester, our house is busy. And if I am honest I am tired of washing urine soaked laundry and scrubbing a poo and pee covered floor on my hands an knees. I do not live this way and I am tired of her forcing us to but my husband feels responsible for her. He feels like it would be wrong to "put her away" even though I think its in her best interest and ours for her to go to a nursing home. Honestly, could she even get out of our house right now? Im not sure because she hasn't left since October.


What do I do? Am I wrong in thinking it is time for her to move on? Should we be providing her different care?

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What do you do? This is your husband’s mother. He, like most men just went “She’ll be right” and went off to work

As long as you keep doing this he will continue to let you. She is not “our” responsibility, she is his and you just repeat the male mantra of “whatever you decide I will back you 100%”

you do not say how old she is but no matter. I am not a professional person but it does seem to me that she could be a shut in.

Dont take on anymore care or responsibilities and DONT clean her bathroom. Let your husband deal with it
he will find a place for your MIL ASAP
i think she needs to go to a good GP and referred to a geriatrician for a psychiatric evaluation and an aged care assessment done. Let your husband initiate and source this and you be the wing man
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lost14 Jul 2019
Forgive my ignorance but I am new to the forum. What is GP? And I am most definintely aware that she needs a psych eval for the many issues she presents with but I cant even get her to go to a regular physician to care for her diabetes, incontinence and other health problems.

As far as my husband goes, he doesn't like her living here either. He finds it gross as well but he also feels this weird we "have to" there is no other option ridiculousness. Any words of support on how to get him out of this mindset? He feels obligated to care for her even when I have tried explaining that she has the financial capabilities to live in a nursing home or assisted living she just doesn't want to lose her money?
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The problem is your husband, he needs to remove her from your home. Might be time to set your boundary and stick to it. She is his problem not yours, not your children's. Wish I had something else to say, but I can't come up with anything.
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GP=General Practioner.

She actually needs a Geriatric Specialist.

Might I suggest that you lay out what is going on with MIL to your OB-GYN? Let THAT doctor explain to your husband in words of one syllable that you will not be scrubbing on your hands and knees any longer.

Also, be aware that you might be in danger of losing your children to Child Protective Services for exposing them to health hazards like this.

Call your local Area Agency on Aging and arrange for them to come out to do a "needs assessment". They can tell you both what she needs and what assistance she qualifies for.

Whatever gave him this idea that there is no other option? His mother's money is there to take care of HER needs. She should either be paying you folks room, board and for caregiving or for AL.

If he won't stand up for you, then he needs to use her money to hire aides to come in to clean up after her and help her with her needs.
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lealonnie1 Jul 2019
I think we were both typing up the same response at the same time! GMTA LOL
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GP=General Practitioner I believe. I also believe your husband will stop feeling quite so obligated to care for his mother once he begins cleaning her room and her bathroom, and starts washing her urine soaked laundry and getting on his hands and knees to scrub a poop stained bathroom floor. Which you should NOT be doing under ANY circumstances! Feces is toxic and can threaten your pregnancy! I mean, your husband needs to SEE things for what they are, meaning YOU need to FORCE him to see, because men are blind. Go tour a few facilities and then pick one, or let her pick one, and OUT she goes! Make a plan to visit her a couple of times a week, and then you'll have your life and your home back! You surely CANNOT bring a new infant into the circus your MIL has created, right? Use those words with your husband, and get busy finding her a new home.
Best of luck!!
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The first thing that occurs to me is that your husband should hire someone to clean the bathroom that his mother is using and to do her laundry. Of course he feels obligated to care for her, that's natural. So, he should arrange for someone (other than you!!) to do that.

(GP is general practitioner -- her primary care doctor.)
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MargaretMcKen Jul 2019
'Of course he feels obligated?' Most men feel obligated for their wives to do the caring, not them.
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There's always another way. You have done plenty and proved that she is not willing to cooperate with you.

Another baby on the way? And MIL has basically hoarded you out of what, 20% of your living space--the master bed and bath?

I'd lose it at my hubby. No second chances, no nothing. She finds an alternate place within 30 days (that should give her time to check out options, low income housing, etc., and she needs to be GONE.) She have any friends she can stay with, or other family, temporarily? The longer you say she can stay the longer she will drag out leaving.

How about you take the other 4 kids and yourself on a little vacay--go visit relatives somewhere else and let DH see how bad things have gotten. My DH decided for 'us' that his dad could come live with us. I had nothing against his dad, we simply didn't have space and I still had 2 kids at home. I planned to take the girls and go to the cabin for a few days and leave DH at home with his dad.

Never happened. He was MORE than happy to let me do 100% of the CG, but he was unwilling to do any.

You may have to push--but do stand your ground. If she has money for online shopping and food, she has money for a place to live, that's not your home. YOU DO NOT OWE YOUR MIL ANYTHING MORE THAN RESPECT. Helping her to stand on her own is possible and even necessary.

Would you put up with this from your own mother? You are being used, honey, big time. She expects you to clean the feces and urine from the bathroom, even though this can be a real health hazard. How do your other kids feel about this? MANY kids have grown up filled with resentment about having to basically wipe Grandma's bum and giving up their own lives for an aging, ungrateful relative. You're harming all the kids--and yourself.


You yourself said she was 'worse' than when you took her in b/c you have done so much for her. She can recover baseline abilities if placed in a NH or SNF where they can monitor her and help her.

How much is she spending a month on 'stuff'? Find out. Tell hubby. SHOW him the bedroom and bathroom. Don't clean them anymore and see how long before DH 'gets it'.

You sound kind of timid--and I hope it's not cause DH is a bully. You have a right to a clean home. You have a right to a life sans drama. You have a new baby coming--how do you plan to care for a new baby with an OLD baby living in the house.

I hope you can be tough--b/c you are going to NEED to be.

I hope you can get MIL OUT long before baby arrives. You're going to have to have the bathroom hazmat-cleaned and new flooring put down in the bedroom.
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Hire a "temporary" housekeeper at Mil' s expense, as often as necessary to keep your home clean for the new baby and children. Have the housekeeper stay as long as Mil' s stay.

Yes, you were wrong to bring in someone with care needs beyond your' s or anyone's in t h e home capabilities. Is your mind clearer now?

Maybe treat yourself to some housekeeping help too.
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I hope that you have an excellent relationship with your own parents or siblings because I believe you are going to have to yourself upon their mercy now and move in with them. You mention "other children". How many and what age? Yes, you definitely did the wrong thing. If she cannot now be moved out I am afraid that you will be driven insane with work and dirt or be forced to leave, because your hubby won't see reality. Very sad. I don't know what to say. An awful lesson to others here considering the same thing and thinking you can make a contract with someone who says they will do something and does the opposite.
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Lost14, hand Mom-in-law the cleaning supplies so that SHE cleans her own bathroom. It may take awhile, but eventually she will have no choice.

My Mom did that with my Dad when he didn't want to wear Depend type garments. Mom got exhausted trying to clean the rug [she was in her 90's] so next time Dad had a mishap, Mom handed him the cleaning supplies. After a couple of times of cleaning up his own messes, I saw Depends for Men on Mom's grocery list :)

Oh, just curious why your Mom-in-law was evicted from her apartment?
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PandabearAUS Jul 2019
I am going to guess for hoarding, filth and complaints
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I wish the belief of “placing mom in a facility = putting her away” would go away already. Finding a safe place for someone to live is hardly like throwing them in a dungeon!
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Her reason for not living elsewhere is “because she doesn’t want to lose her money”?! She doesn’t worry about losing money when she’s always buying things online.

I don’t like losing my money on things like utilities and food. But I do like to eat and use AC so I don’t swelter, and such things aren’t free.

What she really means is she doesn’t want to lose money on living expenses and would rather have you & husband support her instead.
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Does your husband ever help care for her needs? If not, it is time he starts.

Is she incontinent or to lazy to use the toilet?

She should be told that her options are quickly coming to a facility and she can pretend not to hear, but making a mess on the floor and expecting you to clean it is over.

I am appalled that your husband thinks it is okay to subject his children to this. He will get on board with finding her a nice facility when he comes home tired and gets to clean filth.

That is how you change his thinking, this we business is not gonna happen unless he has a mouse in his pocket. He feels obligated then step up and be obligated but that doesn't mean you get to be her personal servant.

This behavior messes with my head, I can't imagine what would possess a grown woman to behave this way, she obviously knows there are issues or she wouldn't be hiding her shopping sprees.

He should file for representative payee with social security and take control of her money.

Want to act childish then you can be treated like one, go all out and give her what she wants. Adult day care, diapers, told when to go to bed, no tv, no electronics, no ability to order more junk. This could be very unpleasant for her.
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lost14 Jul 2019
I replied to your latest post on my update. I wasnt sure how to post a reply to your reply.
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Well I can honestly say this is a happy update. Since my last post I had another heart to heart with my husband. He agreed it was time for her to move on, however we were faced with how. Because we were receiving a small monetary compensation for the things she used in our home it establishes residency. Ultimately if she wanted to dig her heels in and stay because she wanted to, we would have had to go through with a formal eviction which could take months.

My husband set up a date to talk with his mother with both of his other brothers in hopes that having all over her three boys saying the same thing would convince her with little unrest. They never got the chance to have the talk with her.

I took her to a doctors appointment. This was a huge concern for me as the last time she had been out of the house was back in October 2018. Knowing she had a steady decline in her mobility and a steady weight gain, I was concerned about getting her out of the house, safely to and from the appointment, and back into the house. I know most will ask where my husband was, unfortunately she NEEDED this appointment and he just could not get off of work plus I had an appointment at nearly the same time. The week he currently has is being saved for when baby is born and I will really need that help. We weighed our pros and cons on this one and chose what was more important to us as a couple.

Concern immediately bumped up to worry as she barely made it out of the house and into the car. We are talking less than 50 feet and three steps to walk down, then a step up into her car that she normally has no issues getting into. How in the world was I going to get her back in the house? Well we made it to and from the doctors office with little issue other than her usual driving me crazy with questions.

Back at the house? Different story. I get her out of the vehicle and send the children in to play. (Someone asked before they are 10 and under.) We get her inside where she is left to face the big hurdle, the stairs. She gets two steps up and then just continues to shuffle her feet. She doesnt want to lift them. Instead she wants one of MY children to get behind her and lift her foot up for her. (To paint a better picture, three steps up into the kitchen, 13 steps into the concrete floored basement. I was already in position holding her walker in place so she could put weight on it without it moving.) My answer was in no way shape or form was I going to allow one of my children to stand behind her where they could possibly be pushed into the basement or squashed or both. NO thank you. So what does she do in protest? She decides she will not continue up the stairs and instead of backing down them and sitting back in her chair, she decides to lay down on the steps. She claims she "fell". Folks it was not even close to a fall. She threw a fit like a child and laid down. This resulted in the only thing I could do, call 911 and get a lift team. An hour and a half later (we live 20 miles out of town), some shouting at each other, and help from 6 people she is up and in her lift chair. This. Was. The. Final. Straw.

We discussed safety, there is just no way a ramp will prevent her from falls and help her get in and out of the house safely. What if she fell outside trying to get to her motorized chair on her own? The ramp could not be a permanent one because of how the house is set up. What would happen if she needed to get out if there was a fire? What happens if she has a medical episode and falls in her room?

She agreed halfheartedly and is now moving into the assisted living apartments in town. Will she be evicted because of her hoarding and uncleanliness? Probably. Is it something we can prevent, control, help with? Not at all. I finally have my husbands head. He agrees that this will be hers on her own. Two of the three boys (One takes care of their father) have done all that they can for her and she is going to have to learn to adult on her own.
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lealonnie1 Jul 2019
Good Lord.......... It's like an episode of My 600 Lb Life where the fire department has to come and get someone moved out of their home with a tarp and a team of 6 burly men! She's brought this nonsense on herself, obviously, and has no intention of changing her ways in the least. Please be sure to have a sit down with the 3 brothers to determine whatyour next steps are going to be............the ALF has a cleaning schedule for the residents, so once a week, someone will go in and clean for your MIL. Perhaps a brother can look in on her once a week to make sure she's not hoarding or making a complete pig sty of her apartment. If so, they can clean up a bit because you DO NOT want her getting thrown OUT of there and be back to square one!! In the long run, it's easier for her sons to clean up for her a bit than it is to think she's going to change. She won't. She's proven it time and again. Any grandmother who asks her own grandkids to stand BEHIND her while she tries to maneuver herself up the stairs is someone who's too selfish to see past the tip of her own nose.
Good luck and stay in touch!!
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So happy for you.

Have you gotten results on her health?
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lost14 Jul 2019
She keeps it private and what she does say you can only believe about 25% of the time. She has sustained no injury from her "fall," other than that its up to interpretation. If you talked to her on the phone now she'd tell you she is in prime health, no issues, and completely take care of herself.
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Yahoo! Good news indeed.
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lost14 Jul 2019
Yahoo is right. The only unfortunate thing that has come from this is learning where my husband stands with his relationship with his mother. "He loves her but does not like her and wants nothing to do with her after this" is a sad sentiment to hear about someone you should have a strong bond with.

Hopefully with time my husband will find healing in this. I just wished he was more vocal about how he was feeling about the whole situation. Lessons have been learned and now the lines of communication are much more open with us, thankfully.
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Finally! We have a successful story!! I felt so bad for you--I had 5 kids in 9 years and NO WAY could I have cared for an aging parent also. (She is not that old, either, can't be more than 65, I'd guess).

I bet it feels so good to have your home back!! In spite of the fact she was helping out a little financially, it probably is completely worth it to have her gone.

Sad for her, but good for you. Her little tantrums cost her big time, didn't they?

Good luck--get that bedroom repainted and cleaned and start afresh!!!
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lost14 Jul 2019
It will feel amazing to have our home back. No chaos, no adult tantrums, no smell. I will finally be able to focus completely on my children, my husband and me and it has me over the moon!
And no to the financial help because it really wasn't. She paid a very minimal amount that did not cover all of the cost of having her in our home. We paid the extra. So honestly we will be saving a little money as well.
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Too lazy to lift her own feet, omg....
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God Bless you and your household from here on.....
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So happy to hear that you have transferred your mother-in-law to assisted living. I wish you the best on the delivery of your fifth baby!! You and your husband must keep talking and resolve in advance that you will NOT take your mother-in-law back into your home ever again. She is not safe there and your family is not safe while she is living there. In hindsight, you make yourself a victim when you THINK that you do not have a choice. You have a choice whether or not to clean up after another person. You have a choice whether or not someone will live with you. You are not mean, or a bad person, just because someone else made a decision in THEIR life to put themselves into the position they are currently in. Mother-in-law's problems were not caused by you, and you are not responsible for solving them though solutions that make your life and your children's lives worse.
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lost14 Jul 2019
It is already agreed that we will not be allowing anyone else in our house. Her or anyone else that may show up. We have been taken advantage of and realize this now. We have children to care for. They are our priority. No one else. In all honesty I'm not too certain that my husband will visit her anytime soon. He is pretty disgusted, ashamed, and hurt by her. Sad to see but it is entirely her fault.
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Lost, it is good that you and your husband have improved your communication through this hard trial. That makes it all worth it to me.

Give him time, it is still early days and I am sure that he resisted believing that his mom would take advantage of his kindness and do all the things she did. When we loose the image we had of our parents it takes time to accept and adjust to the reality. He will find his balance and boundaries to be able to love and see his mom. He obviously loves her very much and that makes it harder to come to terms with. He will be okay eventually.

So happy for you and your family that you were able to get her out without additional trauma. You will soon have a welcomed, wonderful new addition to the house and that is what you should be focusing on, new birth is so amazing.
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