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He’s recently discovered online porn, and since we don’t have a sex life anymore due to his physical problems, I’ve pretended not to know about his online activities, but I’ve been keeping an eye on them. Lately I noticed he’s been looking at the category called “teen porn” which thoroughly disgusts me. I’ve read that supposedly these young women are over 18, but still this is disturbing. Am I overreacting or should I cut off his access to porn altogether? He hasn’t been diagnosed with dementia.

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If he has not been diagnosed with dementia, how can you successfully block your husband from a teen porno website? He'll just find another and another to log onto.

If he's exhibiting signs of dementia, get him to the doctor for a full medical and cognitive exam.
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tcanlady Dec 11, 2023
He had a cognitive exam a few months ago and he seems to be fine cognitively. I may have to block all pornography on his device. I’m trying not to interfere with his “fun” at this stage of his life, but it is a slippery slope. He hasn’t been paying for anything or getting scammed (yet). I’m appalled that the category of teen porn even exists at all.
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I can see why this is very disturbing. I wonder if he could have frontal temporal dementia? It often presents with sexualized behavior as one of the symptoms and it is not much like what we think of as dementia. I would get him evaluated.

In the meantime, perhaps you might go back to pretending not to know about this and maybe just actually DON'T look. I assume this is out of character for him and if so, realize that this may no longer be "him" but a sign something is wrong with his brain.

So sorry you are dealing with this difficult situation. Best of luck.
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tcanlady Dec 11, 2023
Thank you - he’s been trying to figure out why I’m angry with him, but I don’t want him to know I’ve been spying on him- I feel very conflicted about having done so. But sometimes ignorance really is bliss and I kind of wish I didn’t know about it.
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This rings alarm bells for me. I am not against adults enjoying themselves in private without hurting anyone, BUT..

The sites your DH are watching can be 'gateway' sites. In the gate, ready to be herded to money making sites. Teen (or other) may be lures for easy blackmail making money.

From what I've read, just like much online content, *suggestions* will be made: 'You may like this?'.

Heck I once looked at mocassin slippers on sale & was bombarded for years for adds for them (until I got an ad blocker).

I looked at wooly slippers, got herded to wooly socks, then fur socks & before I knew it was looking at possum fur socks in New Zealand! (Just $40 or so a pair, just a click away)

I'd be VERY carefully looking at the bank statements, looking at any unusual spending on joint accounts.

Try an open an honest discussioon on online spending, the dangers of getting carried away, taken advantage of etc.

Are there other alarm bells? To behaviour or mood?

Memory problems are not the only sign of changes of concern.
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tcanlady Dec 11, 2023
He is definitely not the type to pull out his wallet for this stuff, so if he ever does, I’ll know dementia has set in. You’ve voiced my concern about him getting carried away by being lured from one site to another and stumbling on scammers.
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His device would mysteriously be lost or broken. That whole teen porn thing even when they are really 18 is just appealing to closet pedos in my opinion. I can't believe at 89 he still wants to get it on and gets it up honestly. Not enough aches and pains in his old age to keep his member down I suppose.
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tcanlady Dec 11, 2023
He’s always had a high sex drive but the last few years with his prostate issues he has physical limitations. He used to have a secret small stash of Penthouse and Playboy magazines, which to me seem a lot tamer than what’s available online.
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The problem may not be the porn site but what may also be on the porn site that he could intentionally or inadvertently click on... and download or purchase. I know a senior who actually did time in prison (18 months) for downloading files that turned out to show minors. They looked "old enough" but weren't. I doubt they'd send someone with dementia to prison or even fine him but who needs the stress of being caught up in that mess?. There could other financial predators lurking on that site or trying to message him, too. I'd lose the device...
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AlvaDeer Dec 11, 2023
I would talk to him and lose the device BOTH. Yes, a famous radio talk show host in SF ended up with quite a prison term for exchanging child porn back and forth. More than a decade. So if the police show (and they monitor these sites) he better PRAY he's diagnosed with dementia.
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Again if all he is doing is looking on a porn site that’s as easy to get to as this one, it’s highly unlikely that he’s looking at anyone under 18.

You don’t want him interacting with anyone through said sites though.
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tcanlady Dec 11, 2023
Exactly
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I can only answer if I was in your shoes and it was my husband. It would be blocked today
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I agree with Lea that if he has no dementia you have little ability, let alone right to interfere with him.

However, child porn will get him a STIFF SENTENCE in the slammer if his computer gets taken and he is convicted. If this crosses state lines we are talking federal and FBI stuff here. They could be at your door any second
SO
What I fail to understand is your not speaking with him about this AT ONCE?
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tcanlady Dec 11, 2023
Because it isn’t actually child porn. It’s young adult 18+ porn. Child porn is illegal. Young adult 18+ is creepy but it’s not illegal.
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I’ve walked in on dh watching pornhub and to me it’s like when we found dads penthouse collection as kids. I established that he’s not downloading anything or interacting with their ads.
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AlvaDeer Dec 11, 2023
Do you feel this way about child porn, PeggySue? Because that is a tragedy. Many who are even over age are trafficked to other countries with promises and end up virtual prisoners. It isn't OK when there is another real person, who likely didn't choose that, to be on the other end. This just isn't a victimless crime. There are MANY victims in the porn industry. By all means not all, but I would say more than 50%. SP's sledgehammer (or something else) looks better to me all the time. And this isn't the same as the penthouse collection under the mattress. Just in my own humble opinion.
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OP, go to Google and type in "watching porn dementia " and you won't believe what comes up! Tons of chat and forum questions and discussions, talks about frontotemporal dementia (FTD) and porno, lots of things. If this is new behavior especially, I'd be highly suspicious of dementia myself. Look at his browser history to see how long he's been viewing this stuff.

Here is a list of symptoms of FT Dementia

Behavior and/or dramatic personality changes, such as swearing, stealing, increased interest in sex, or a deterioration in personal hygiene habits
Socially inappropriate, impulsive, or repetitive behaviors
Impaired judgment
Apathy
Lack of empathy
Decreased self awareness
Loss of interest in normal daily activities
Emotional withdrawal from others
Loss of energy and motivation
Inability to use or understand language; this may include difficulty naming objects, expressing words, or understanding the meanings of words
Hesitation when speaking
Less frequent speech
Distractibility
Trouble planning and organizing
Frequent mood changes

FTD is difficult to diagnose and often goes undiagnosed.

Here is a link to the whole article:

https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/dementia/frontotemporal-dementia
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tcanlady Dec 11, 2023
Thanks for this.
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