My mom just moved in with us and its not a good fit, both emotionally and physically (the house is not big). She is a brittle type, 1 diabetic and wants to be close to us so we can keep an eye on her, to spend more time with grandkids, and save money because she has no retirement plan/money for proper care or her own home. I recently got her on medicare/medi-cal and she is on SSI. I aim to get her onto as many other in-home care services as possible - including PACE. We are planning to buy another house nearby and to leave her in our first home. She would rather we buy a bigger house to include her or build her an ADU so she can be closer. It feels like a big ask. My whole relationship with her is rooted in fear and guilt and although I want to do everything for her, I am keeping into consideration the sanity of my wife, kids, and I.
You are protecting your peace and your family's peace and there is nothing wrong with that. 🙏
"I want to do everything for her..." This statement is problematic because you will regret it on every level as her neediness increases, even if she's living in a separate location... she will still need daily care eventually. Many a loving and well-meaning adult child could *never* imagine the exhausting commitment this will eventually entail -- especially if your Mom doesn't have enough financial resources. THere are plenty of posts on this forum from those adult children lamenting the fact that they painted themselves into a corner and now their mental health, finances and marriages are in dire jeopardy with few solutions.
You need to have clear and strong boundaries with your Mom. She already doesn't wish to see or respect them, she's only thinking about herself. All of you can only imagine her current needs, not the probability of her developing cognitive/memory impairment, bowel and urine incontinence, loss of mobility, etc. Even is she lives in the other home, who will be orbiting around her daily to care for her? Don't assume your spouse and kids will help -- it will become more than you can handle in spite of willingness. No one should be assumed into the caregiving role. Your Mother shouldn't assume you and you cannot assume anyone else. Does your spouse not have any aging parents as well? What will you do then?
You are doing the right thing by finding as many social services for her as possible. If you are going to manage her affairs she MUST make you her PoA for both financial and medical. If she won't do this, this is a dealbreaker and you need to tell her as much. If you are already her PoA, then that's one huddle cleared.
You also cannot think you will be paying for any care for her in the future unless you have really robust resources. Most AL (depending on where you live) is between $3K and up per month. Month after month. And that's if she doesn't need any "extra" help, like laundry and meds dispensing.
In most states Medicaid only covers LTC, which she needs to medically and financially qualify for. She is probably a long way off from that -- she's not bedridden or profoundly ill.
I'm giving you the horror version because once you get "stuck" down the road, it is a horror show. Again, read the other copious posts from those loving adult children on this forum. Mental health issues, marital problems... Maybe you feel like you don't have any other options. There are always other options. They are called "least bad" options. Ones you don't like, but still are solutions.
Keep talking with social services. Check out your local Area Agency on Aging for resources. Consult an elder law and/or estate planning attorney and a Medicaid Planner for your state. And keep strong boundaries with your Mom. I wish you much clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you make decisions.
My wife and I trying to wrap our heads around how best to navigate this logistically and pragmatically. We will not sacrifice everything we've built (admittedly not a lot) for my mom to retire. I will 100% look for the other forums regarding her future needs on such limited resources. You listed several I hadn't even considered.
I do have PoA over her limited finances. Hurdled! We're actually meeting with a financial advisor to discuss how best to preserve it for when she REALLY needs it.
I'm reading all that you've done to help your mother...it's above and beyond. And so instead of her being immensely appreciative and grateful, she's still running the show and your life and it's not good enough for her?? She wants to control the entire script and move in with you and your family and take over? How about if your plans aren't acceptable that you just drop doing anything and let her figure out her own life? Because that can also be an option for someone who is so entitled and self centered.
You said, "she has no retirement plan/money for proper care or her own home." Well, that's on her, isn't it? But, you were generous enough to take her on and help her with every step. Does she realize that in her lack of planning for her retirement/senior years, that it really falls on her - and if it weren't for you stepping in, where would she be?
Maybe it's time to "de-program" yourself from the years of being groomed all this guilt by her...shouldn't you, instead, be presenting a different scenario to your mother - flip the guilt on her - she's a "master" in it and you must have learned something...let her know how hurt you are in all you've done for her and now leaving her your house and nothing seems to be good enough for her and how upset it makes you...so if you continue feeling that she's not satisfied with all that you've offered, then you realize that you should remove yourself and allow her to take the reins of her own life and make her own plans!
It's time to take back your own life - and remove the guilt and fear!! You'll feel empowered!!
There's something really messed up with that you know? Or maybe you don't know. Well....I'm telling you now, that is messed up.
The fact that you have "fear" with your mom tells me that you must have been abused in some way from her, and I am a FIRM believer that a child that was abused in any way from a parent, should NEVER take on the care of them.
Thankfully it sounds like you're wanting to set some kind of boundaries with her by not living with her any longer, but why should you have to buy another house when you have a perfectly good one already?
Perhaps it's your mom who needs to move into some senior apartments that are based on her income, instead of you disrupting yours and your families life, by moving out.
Yes, you and your wife and children MUST come first, well before your mom, and no you should not feel guilty for not wanting to live with her.
I would just think LONG and HARD before buying another house, and perhaps would start looking into senior housing in your area for her instead.
Outofthefog.website
About Our Name - "Out of the FOG"
Dealing with a loved-one or family member who suffers from a personality disorder can sometimes feel like navigating through a fog. FOG stands for Fear, Obligation, Guilt - feelings which often result from being in a relationship with a person who suffers from a Personality Disorder. The FOG acronym was coined by Susan Forward & Donna Frazier in their book Emotional Blackmail. It is our hope that this site may help some navigate out of the FOG in their own lives.
People often arrive at our site feeling a range of emotions including fear, anger, confusion, guilt, a sense of isolation, hopelessness and powerlessness. It can be a tremendous relief to discover that others have been where you are and are struggling with some of the same issues.
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You should feel no guilt whatsoever about giving your mother a house! That you are even asking such a question, to me, means she's got you stuck deeply in the FOG and you need a way out. You deserve a way out.
The website is very eye opening and useful as a tool for you to find YOUR way out of the FOG.
Good luck to you.
I would get some therapy to deal with this before investing the cost of a home or home addition. You have basic issues that should be dealt with. Your mom has had her life. Your life with your own family should not be sacrificed on her funeral pyre. It is unlikely to help anyone.
That you have taken your mother into you home has complicated things. This is going now to call for a whole lot of honesty on your part. I think you could benefit with some help with this. A licensed Social Worker in private practice as a counselor may be appropriate as they have special training in life transitions.
You haven’t done anything wrong.
Demands are common, mother’s preference to live with you if it is already emotionally hard is unrealistic.
How about your wife? Would she even agree with your mother living permanently with you?
I appreciate your perspective about it being unrealistic. I feel that.
My wife is the best and a total boss/planner. She gets along better with my mom than I do but does not want to live with her if it can be avoided and certainly not at the expense of our family and goals. Much of what she has said echoes the sentiments left by the folks in this thread here.
There comes a time when one get older they start to feel afraid being by themself. That happened to me. Prior, I could handle anything, was busy with my career, etc. then a serious illness struck. It was a long crawl back to almost normal except for a side effect of being fearful if left alone for more than a couple of days. This same thing happened to my own Mom when she got older, any time Dad was in the hospital then in rehab. Fear of falling can be overwhelming.
She is 70. Type 1 brittle diabetic, showing signs of cognitive decline which I fear is Alzheimer's but may be depression. She lived several hours away prior to moving in. She is retired. Her could not afford to preserve her home - with no savings, there were too many "big ticket" issues with the house that would have bankrupted her - which contributed to triggering her moving in.
She has been very alone since my dad died in 2018. I get the sense she is afraid (not of falling) but of falling into a hypoglycemic state from her diabetes. We are really close to getting her on continuous glucose monitor and that will help out a lot. In the scenario where she stays here by herself, I plan on checking in on her daily.
You should not be displaced from your home because of that.
However , if you decide to do this please consult an eldercare lawyer so there is some legal contract, so Mom can not be a squatter and refuse to leave the home when it’s not safe for her to live alone.
There should be no guilt , you did not make your mother old . Letting her stay in your home is very generous. You are not obligated to do this nor are you obligated to let Mom live with you.
I see that Mom has limited funds , too bad . She doesn’t want to be alone , assisted living would be a good solution . Some states Medicaid will help pay for assisted living , see if your state is one of them . Also depending on how much help Mom needs , she may qualify at some point to be in SNF ( skilled nursing facility ) on Medicaid which all states have .
I do hope a reasonable plan for your Mother's care can be worked out.
When an elderly couple were separated by their adult children, one going to live with his daughter, and the wife with diabetes moved to an apartment alone, she passed a month later. All focus was on the elderly man and his serious illness of advanced Parkinson's. There needs to be a common sense balance to things,
considering all involved.
Your wife and family are a top priority, but you know that.
Making a compassionate decision is not at all easy.
What was she doing when she was your age? Living with her parents?
Stay smart and put your own family first. I'd make that crystal clear.
Don't feel guilty Mom got old with no plan.
See an Elder lawyer to make sure you don't blow it for her to get Medicaid.
Don't let yourself get stuck with her either. I'm 70 and own a house. I'll sell it and downsize, and don't plan to burden anyone. She could live another 20 years, so save for your old age. Good luck!
Remember that many of those Irish Catholic clergy have one of the worst track records in the world of abusing their ‘flock’. Don’t even think of letting your ‘Irish Catholic’ upbringing give YOU a guilty conscience! Find your own ‘hot-line’ to God, not theirs.
Your responsibilities (legal and moral) are principally towards your children, your wife and yourself. Your mother is several notches down the list. Your mother’s responsibilities have ALWAYS mostly been towards her own children, her spouse, and herself. Clamoring for help from you is not on the list at all. ‘Honoring your father and your mother’ is about being respectful in public, NOT about following their 'orders'.
You shouldn’t feel guilty but of course that’s always easy to say.
Best of luck navigating all this.
I would see an Elder Care attorney or an attorney about the best way to do this. (an Elder Care Attorney will be more well versed in how to do things best for your mom though) This could greatly impact her Medical.
If you moved her because she is not safe on her own this is doing the same thing...she will be on her own.
It sounds like she should be in a facility where her care can be managed properly.
I have no idea what she did to feel that your relationship is rooted in fear and guilt. NO relationship should be based on fear and or guilt. That is an abusive relationship. It may not have been a physically abusive one but mentally and or emotionally it is abusive. (think about your daughter or son, if a relationship they had with a partner or friend was based on fear and or guilt what would your advice to them be?) And as I have said to others here no one should be in a position to care for their abuser.
Your first priority is to your wife, your children and yourself.
AND if your mom's health is as you indicate it will not take much for it to become a situation where YOU are her primary caregiver. Can you do that or will caring for your mom fall on your wife? Please do not put your wife and kids in that position. (as I have read here it does not take much for a diabetic to go from a sore foot to an amputee in a fairly short period of time.)
Please consult an attorney so you can determine the best way to go about what you are planning. Find a Senior Service Center and they may help find other options. She may qualify for services that you are unaware of.
At 70 Mom should be on her own. You have found that living together does not work. And you need to tell her that. Sorry Mom, its not working. I think it will be better with you in your own home and us in ours. Does she still drive. Maybe find a Senior center she can go to. Senior bussing to take her to appts and shopping. She needs to be as independent as she can be. Do not enable her or disable her. Disable meaning you do things for her she can do for herself.
Get her a good physical. Medicare allows one per year they pay for it. If she is depressed, maybe something to help with that. Fear and obligation makes me think Mom is a manipulator in someway. Boundaries need to be set with these types pf people. She needs you more than you need her.
Don't get me wrong, this is no kind of judgment on you at all. My relationship with my mother was also rooted in fear and guilt.
When such is the case, it's not a good idea to be living together. The longer she lives with you the more strained your relationship with her will become. Then the resentment will set in especially of you have to start doing everything for her. Then there will be no chance of the two of you having a parent/adult child relationship. You will have a servant/master relationship only with guilt-trips, gaslighting, and abusive neediness.
Don't let your mother move with you and your family.
I wouldn't do anything without seeing an elder attorney, giving her your house is a real bad idea as somewhere down the line she may need to qualify for Medicaid.
If your relationship is rooted in fear and guilt I would read Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty, this is not a healthy relationship.
Your responsibility is to your wife and children not your mother.
What she rather have is not her call, make the best decision for YOUR wife and children.