Hi everyone,
I am 29 and currently living with my fiancé half way across the world from my family. My stepfather has recently found out that he has a tumor which has started to spread through his body. The doctors have explained that at this point all they can do is try to prolong his life through chemotherapy and other treatmeants and it is still difficult to know how much time he has left. At the moment he feels absolutely fine as all this was only found by accident but we are very well aware that once his treatment starts, times will be very difficult.
When I found out about it, it was immediately clear to me that I would move back home. Due to the current pandemic, I cannot simply fly back and forth for shorter periods of time. My partner fully supports this although it would mean that we will be apart for the forseeable future. My mum immediately said she would never expect me to drop everything and move home and that the decision is entirely up to me, but personally I feel I would not want it any other way as I want to be there for them during this difficult time.
Moving home would mean giving up my job (which I did already consider leaving before all this happened anyway), leaving behind my time abroad, and being separated from my partner for an uncertain time. Am I crazy to jump to such fast conclusions? If things deteriorate quickly, I know I would not want to be far away. But if we are lucky and he responds to treatment, we may actually have more time and I may think I could've stayed away for longer.
Inside of me everything seems very clear on what to do but I still struggle whether I am making the right call.
Thanks for any help!
You can wait to go until you are needed.
You are very sweet to want to help out, you are young, live your life. Time away could be relatively short, or very long. Travel could be locked down again, especially to other countries. If you are unhappy in your job, look for another one and do not use that as rationale to go help your folks. Stay home and check on folks regularly.
If they aren’t saying, “Don’t come,” and if you aren’t thinking, “I’d rather not go,” ... then why not go? Imagine yourself in a timeline of each scenario — before, during, and beyond. Down the road, after 6 months or 6 years, are you more likely to regret that you didn’t go to them now; or are you more likely to regret that you went?
You had no choice for caretaker.. you are the chosen one... racrafice...right?
Just saw your name.. I like it :)
scoobysnax"?
been through this...and now one of my friend's is going through it again...
we are here for a brief moment... and when that time comes is not up to us....... glad you are there for your parents... we too, were there for ours... and LO's...
I told my friend... location, location. location... she got her LO's within minutes from her home... Thank God... within a 8 minute drive...
mine were closer 5 minute... ER MODE.... 2 minutes... it counted....
I read a lot of history, especially Australian history. When people came to Oz before or after 1800, it was usually for life. The rich could afford a couple of trips back to England, though the sea trip was dangerous and took over 3 months each way. Further down the social scale, if you went back, it was for good. The letters that migrants wrote back home to describe their new homes and lives are heartbreaking in their acceptance that they just couldn’t explain what it was like - they mostly talk about the vegetables they can grow. Their families back there fully understood that they would never see them again.
These days (at least before Covid) going back and forth is much more possible. I did it 3 times, my daughter has done it far more. Everyone wants it all – to keep their culture and their ties from home, but to be fully accepted in the new place as well. My daughter’s husband wants their son to feel both Irish and Australian. I’m not sure that it’s possible.
Sometimes you have to accept that you cannot live in two places at once. This doesn't help your dilemna, but perhaps gives you a historical perspective. And sometimes we find that the world hasn't changed as much as we thought. Just do your best! You can't 'win 'em all'. It’s yet another ‘least worst’ situation!
A friend took a sabbatical last year to go visit her family in NZ for the first time in 30 years. Shortly after she arrived everything shut down. She is still there a year later. Thankfully she is a professor and classes are all online, so she can teach from NZ.
I read your reply where u really don't like your job and fiance and you
planned on moving near parents in the next year or two anyway. So what's keeping you from doing it now? It seems you want to be there for StepDad and Mom. Seems there is nothing keeping you here. Fiance can join you later if he needs to "tie things up". So, you do what you feel like u need to. But I too suggest that if/when fiance joins you, you live by yourselves.
I myself would not move back from across the world for my stepfather; you have your life, your mate, your job I assume. I would pay what visits I was able, say every three months if you can possibly swing this.
Is there other family to support your Mum? Or good friends?
Only you can make this decision. It's a tough one. My own parents would not have wanted me to disrupt my entire life were they suffering such a diagnosis; but that was how I was raised. I am certain visits would have been treasured as this is definitely end of life diagnosis.
Only you can really decide for yourself. This is a hard decision. Chemo can sometimes buy time, but often not a lot over what the expectations are statistically. I think that the doctor is hedging and could likely provide more valuable advice in terms of months or years. But that is only a guess on my part. I wish you luck. This is a difficult decision.
You need more information to be able to organise your own life. If your mother isn't pressing you to come, perhaps she knows a bit more than she has told you so far. Perhaps you could get permission to phone the doctor yourself. And there is a lot of information on the net, as well as helpful people like Alva on this site. It's good advice to find out more before you use all your leave and finance at the wrong time.
Everything is so difficult at a distance. You have my sympathy, Margaret