My MIL has now lived with us for over 6 years and has completely taken over our lives because my partner is only interested in looking after her. He is now in deep debt due to the expenses which looking after his mother and father have incurred. The father passed away a couple of years ago and had never bothered to save a penny for their old age, neither did my MIL. Perhaps it is the cultural differences that I am having a problem with but I simply cannot take this any longer. I used to get along with her but now I genuinely dislike having to be around her, I feel she has taken advantage of the situation and gives no thought to us a couple, that is if you can call us a couple any more. She had a stroke a few years ago and it seems like her son has taken this as his life mission now, to look after her and her needs only. It is such a long and twisted story that it would take forever to tell but I have felt for a long time now that I have been taken advantage of in many ways. The family is Mexican and I am from England, unfortunately I feel I have been brainwashed into thinking that it is my duty as a woman to put up with all this and either I like it or I lump it. I dont like either options to be honest, but I have no job although I am in the process of looking when I am allowed five minutes for myself. Here in Mexico it is not so easy to get a well paying job, or at least enough to pay for a rent. Basically I feel trapped here and have nowhere to go so I suppose I am in the situation of having to lump it. Being from England I have always shown the so called Stiff upper lip or tried to anyway, but lately I feel I am always mad at him and feeling resentful and have no idea how to broach the subject because of the fear that he will take it as an offense towards his mother as he usually does and then all I get are insults and offenses. What I dont understand is how he never approaches me to talk about any of this although I am sure he knows this has all has affected our relationship and is the reason for my attitude. It seems I am in a situation of psychological warfare, I cant seem to think straight anymore. Any comments are welcome. Thanks.
Cancun,
Mexico City, Embassy
Acapulco, Consulate
Monterrey, Consulate
San Jose del Cabo, Consulate
Tijuana, Consulate
What can the British High Commission or Embassy do?
Supply lists of local doctors, lawyers, interpreters and even funeral directors.
Help you contact family and friends in emergencies.
Send a representative to visit you in hospital or if you’ve been arrested.
Provide support if you’ve been assaulted.
Provide information on transferring money.
Issue replacement travel documents if your passport is lost or stolen.
And what it can’t do
Get you out of prison, investigate crimes or interfere in criminal or court proceedings.
Carry out searches for missing people, as this is the responsibility of the local authority in the country you’re in.
Pay bills or give you money.
Make travel arrangements for you, say if you miss your flight or lose your ticket.
Help you enter a country if you don’t have the appropriate visas.
Hopefully you have friends who could help you fund your return but you are being used hun.
If you want to stay in Mexico then all is very different and you may find your worth in the resort areas where Brits are, especially if you are bilingual, you might get a job as a travel agent because yo could do that and you have first hand knowledge of some of the important stiff us idiots need to know when we go abroad and get sunstroke on the first day!!!
You seem to be articulate so get your name out there and go for the prestige jobs in Embassies etc where you might actually be able to get out of Mexico and have them pay for it too!
Good luck hun but make a stand and don't worry about offending him - he is already offending you
" I feel I have been brainwashed into thinking that it is my duty as a woman to put up with all this and either I like it or I lump it. I dont like either options to be honest, but I have no job although I am in the process of looking when I am allowed five minutes for myself."
You have been brainwashed, but your self preservation instincts have surfaced and are throwing you a lifeline for escape from this trap. I'm especially concerned with your comment that you are "allowed" only limited time for yourself.
Beyond the existing cultural differences, there's a basic lack of consideration for you as a person, a companion, a helper. That ISN'T going to change, not at this point.
I echo everyone's encouragement to get out. I would also suggest contacting the British embassy (https://www.gov.uk/government/world/organisations/british-embassy-mexico-city) and find out what assistance is available, and what recommendations they would make, especially if the issue of citizenship might be on the table.
Churchmouse and Phoenix Daughter are both familiar with British laws; they might be able to offer additional suggestions, and they are both very generous with their time in helping others. I'm P'Ming them to request that they offer some suggestions in the citizenship issue.
Just type in "Live in work in the UK". i have no idea what your skill set is but you certainly have experience caring for an elderly lady and these positions are very difficult to fill so I would start there. The new employer will possibly be prepared to buy your plane ticket although you may be required to pay it back later or agree to stay for a certain length of time. The lady is a very respectable publication for advertisements for domestic situations.
Be realistic when leaving. You may only get to take a small suitcase and slip out in the middle of the night so be very careful. Good Luck.
You said you had nowhere to go. What about England? Or stay in Mexico if you think you can build a life of your own there.
At some point you made a commitment to your partner. Did you also commit to taking care of his mother for the rest of her life?
As you know, Mexico is a very male-dominated society so it does somewhat sound like cultural clashes but put any name on it you want, you're still not happy with the situation and your partner should care about that.
Based on what you've written, it sounds like it's in your best interest to get out and get a job so that you can save for yourself and your own future, whether that's in Mexico or England. It sounds like your husband/partner is going down the same path as his parents, with no planning or saving for the future. That is NOT a good place to be, as you've discovered. So get out and take care of yourself.
I'm afraid I've more questions than I have answers:
How long have you lived in Mexico?
Were you married in Mexico, or did you meet and marry in the UK and then return to your husband's home country?
To whom is your husband in debt? A respectable bank, or has he been the victim of more dubious (and perhaps alarming) lenders?
Where in Mexico do you live?
What kind of social network have you developed there over time? - friends, other expats, employers and so on.
Do you have any family in England, and if so are you in touch with them?
Do you have a valid British passport?
The thing is, it isn't difficult to see how you could clear off back to England if you wanted to. If you remain a British national, the embassy or your nearest equivalent would listen sympathetically, and should be able to help you sort out lapsed documents or anything like that. But unless you are at risk of real harm, I don't think they would be able to assist you with repatriation - I may be wrong about that, and it's worth asking their advice in any case.
I'm not quite sure what you expect of your husband, though. He finds himself with a dependent mother and serious financial worries. You don't work - have you had a job since you lived in Mexico? - so what do you think you should be contributing to the family? Perhaps he doesn't want to discuss the situation because he thinks that all he'll hear from you is "what about me". What are your positive proposals for improving matters? How do you think MIL should be cared for, if not by your husband and you? If you like, you could always write him a kind of manifesto, stick it under his nose and make a firm engagement with him to discuss it.
But in any case, you don't have to like it or lump it. You can vote with your feet and come back to the UK. Expecting to change not only Mexican but world culture - in which many children feel obliged to take care of their widowed mothers and resent its being objected to and feel hurt when they're not supported in that as they perhaps assumed they would be - is a little less realistic, though, so I don't think he'll be coming with you.
For heaven's sake, walk. I will pray that your brothers are longing for a sight of you, and will happily assist with travel fares.
Churchmouse, good insight into factors I missed as well as a rational analysis of what she's facing, especially as to repatriation.
Thank you both for responding to my SOS! Great friends and helpers you are, as Yoda might word it.
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