After two months, my parents are still adjusting to memory care. I need to sell the house and their cars. I will start the process in May.
I am not sure what to do regarding telling them or not. I want to be honest, but I don't want to traumatize them again or repeat it.
* What is the point or reasoning to tell a person with dementia about this?
- Saying ANYTHING to upset or stir up emotions (including their fears and confusion) will only further cause them more suffering. And you do not want to do this, I know.
* When a person has dementia, the word 'honesty' takes on an entirely different meaning.
THE NEW MEANING OF HONESTY IS . . .
Extending / being compassionate to where they are - in their head/mind, as their brain chemistry has changed.
- You 'need' (or want) to focus on how their brain functions and how it now takes in new information (confused, irrational, fear).
THIS IS IMPORTANT :
- You need to shift ... see / feel from THEIR brain's 'perspective,' not yours.
And, this is a major learning process. To shift into how they receive information vs what is said to them. We ALL filter information through our own experience. There is no other way to communicate. Although it is an acute awareness and 'jump' in consciousness to see / feel / shift to another's experience vs our own. From my experience, it is an ongoing awareness and insight. It never ends. It is, in part (to me) called COMPASSION.
* As you learn more about dementia, you will gain compassion and act / talk to them accordingly. It IS learning a new language so be self-compassionate. It is ALWAYS an on-going process of communication.
IMPORTANT: If you get tongue tied, overwhelmed, stuck or in fear when talking to them, change the subject.
Saying, 'that is an interesting question, I'll have to think about it and get back to you.
- Then comment on the weather, flowers, are they too warm, too cold . . . want a drink ... go for a walk. Are you tired. Anything to shift. I really love you. Affection seems to get through - the most difficult of dementia. Or a gentle touch on their shoulder, hand, etc. (depending on the relationship and their / your comfort level).
Gena / Touch Matters
we just assure her the house and car are locked up and we check on it weekly. Has worked for us.
They have lost “honest”. Nothing is to be gained for them in giving them facts that they may not understand.
Dementia doesn’t “wax and wane”. It is progressive.
i have a wee bit of a funny in a sad story. They both had dementia and the house need to be tented so they went to a memory care facility for about three days. When we returned the house had been burglarized. The flatscreen TV in the front room have been stolen. So i cleaned up the house and then borrowed a broken flatscreen TV from a friend, approximately the same size, and just put it in the front room. When they got home and the TV wouldn’t work, I simply said, “Gee, I guess it’s broken; (Mr) let’s buy (Mrs) a new TV set for Mother’s Day!” So we went out and got roses and chocolates and a new television set. They never knew.
Just take care of their finances as necessary and keep the dirty details to yourself. Sometimes folks with dementia get on what I call "auto-loop" and ask the same question over and over again. If they keep asking about their home and cars, just tell them not to worry and that you are taking care of everything for them. Then change the subject and ask them a question. It's a little nippy today, do you want to wear the blue sweater or the brown one?
No different than dealing with a small child. Keep the conversation appropriate for what they can handle.
Best of luck.
My mother would have absolutely lost it if she'd known her beloved home of 50+ years was being sold. As it turned out, we didn't sell it until after she died, but her questions about it stopped pretty quickly after she moved to a nursing home.
My biggest mistake was taking her to it just once when she and I were heading home from lunch one day, we both had to go to the bathroom, and the house was closer than her nursing home. That quick stop to go to the bathroom turned into 90 minutes of her wandering through the house weeping, and I never took her back.
Like many things in dementia (telling someone a spouse has died, for example), the reality of these upsetting events feel like the first time for them and they're just devastated.
My dad died in Jan 2022, I placed mom in MC at the end of January 2023. And they just moved her less than a week ago from memory care to long term care to separate her from a man that was being too clingy. I know she needs me now but I am out of state, at her house for three days, working on clearing it out. I had already scheduled this with work, etc.
My mom also had many cats. Two indoors and about 5 "stray" cats outside. I finally found someone to adopt both indoor cats. Not sure about the outside ones yet. Mom asks about her kitties and I tell her they are fine. She has now asked me if I have a picture of her favorite one, she says she can't remember what she looks like now. I'm going to have to dig one up somewhere.
Mom does ask about the house occasionally. This last cold spell around Christmas, all the water pipes froze and busted. Mom remembered me telling her this so I tell her there still isn't any water. I did tell her I'd be gone because I am going to check on her house. I'm hoping if she ever asks me outright, if I ever have to tell her, I can remind her of the water is no longer working and tree that fell in the yard, etc. and explain that I couldn't take care of it from long distance anymore and I'll have to sell. I think she will be very sad but will understand. I'm just afraid she will remember this thing and ask every time and I'll have to tell her again and again.
If she doesn't ask, I will always skirt over the conversation and try to deter it.
Every time I'm here at her house (my home growing up) I cry. I never really got to grieve for dad since as soon as he died, I've been taking care of mom. And I'm continually grieving for mom who is lost now and this new woman is in her place. I am packing her things and treating everything like she is already gone when she is not. I hate getting rid of her stuff. I just can't get used to it and it makes me sad.
A lot of people here have great advice. This site has helped more than I can say. Although, some speak so matter of fact about these things that I am having such a hard time with. I think I understand exactly how you feel.
Prayers to you, none of this is easy.
Are they understanding that MC is their new home?
If so, then tell them that no-one was in the house, you can't rent it, and they were losing money maintaining it, so it makes sense to sell it so they can pay their rent at their new place.
If they don't understand the need for MC or why they're there, then deploy the fiblets, determining what doesn't upset them. Sometimes that's going to be you telling them that the car is in the shop...always.
This is not an honesty or respect issue, this is determining what information is helpful to share with a person who, along with their memory has lost their ability to process information. They can no longer use reasoning and good judgement, or have insight regarding the need for decisions to be made on their behalf. People with dementia may forget conversations, but they retain emotions, especially negative ones. If finding out their house is going to be sold agitates them, then adjust the story to what they can handle.
Alternatively, you can decide to tell the truth and have the same circular conversation each time, but if you've already placed them, I'm guessing you know how that will go. I do disagree with those who say that telling the truth to a person with anosognosia is best. It's not kind or loving to tell the 'truth' over and over to a person who is not mentally capable of processing the information, when that information upsets them or exacerbates their feelings of loss.
If they do not ask do not mention it.
Keep in mind many people with dementia will say "I want to go home" this does not necessarily mean an actual physical "home" it may mean a time when they were healthy, safe, happy...
Remind them that they are "home". "This is home, this is where you live.
Are they ever, ever gonna come back to that home? are they ever, ever gonna be driving those cars again? When I took the car away from my Daddy I was the worst daughter ever! Maybe my soul is hard but I didn't care. I knew he was ill and his memory was fading. I would not feel right if he was driving and killed some one and I could have stopped it. While he was in the memory care he asked about his car and I showed him pictures of it. I told him I had just washed it and it was not as shiny as he could have done but when he comes home he can clean it again. He never physically saw that car again and never came home. He's gone now and I know he is looking down knowing in his right mind that I did the right thing. Many think its wrong to say these fibs but is it fair to tell my daddy that yes I sold your beloved car and you will never drive it again. He would have been sad and heart broken at least he had some sort of hope even though it was false hope. And besides maybe he's driving around in heaven in his dream car! :)
I am 80. When I see that advice it always makes me wonder what day it is that someone feels that lying to me is for my own good.
I would not tell them. Like said fib.
Tell them the electricity is off and the power company is working on it but it could take weeks. Tell them the water is off. Tell them the street is being dug up for repaving and it will take awhile.
As for current home vs. childhood home, that's a tough call. I use to think my Mom, who was in a nursing home, was talking about the house where my Dad was still living that they had shared for decades. Until my Mom asked if Dad had put the cows in the pasture. Ah ha, it was Mom's childhood home that she was asking about and the Dad was her own Dad.
So I quickly had to use the fibs again, so not to upset Mom. Any time Mom {90+] would ask to go visit her parents, I would tell her "they are visiting the old country" and that put a smile on Mom's face, as in her mind she remembered how much her parents love to visit the relatives overseas.
Then Mom would ask to visit her siblings [all of whom had passed on], so I had to quickly do a fib that Mom would believe. Again, more smiles :)
When we moved my MIL into AL she kept insisting on being taken back but we told her the HOA was making extensive repairs, or we couldn't do it that day but later in the week. Eventually she stopped asking.
After a while they will forget all about their home.
When you visit them in care do your parents discuss the family home, ask you about it? I would think that would make all the difference in whether you tell them or not. If the family home isn't coming up in discussion then just speak about everything else in your life. Kind of skid past or over such things as "I imagine the lilac's in bloom"?
If you can tell us a bit more we may be able to better answer.
"What difference could knowing this make to them other than to hurt them."
I don't have any experience with this. There is very little information about this topic online, This is why am here asking this question.