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Feeling guilty if I wait till mom passes to go and arrange funeral, which I have to do.


My 97 year old, demented mother recently fell and had hip surgery one week ago. I live 3,000 miles away and visit every 6 months and have tickets bought tickets to see her at end of month for her 97 birthday. She is declining and trying to keep in touch with hospice about her condition. She is very agitated and had them give her some Ativan. She is not drinking or eating.


I don’t know if I should go now or wait till she passes. I don’t have the money to go back and forth. I talked to the funeral director about her wishes as she had this already planned. I will have to get a sitter, ticket, hotel and rent a car. I am not young and have a large cyst behind my knee due to car accident and now a brain tumor which gives me terrible headaches. I have a brother close by my mother which I do not talk to ad he took advantage of my mother accounts. He is worthless. I love my mother and have called her every day in the NH for past year and listen to her repetitive stories. I will miss her dearly and hard to let go. She no longer is able to answer the phone. I want her to be at peace as it has been a long road.


So what do I do? It may be a few days to another 10 days before she passes. Or maybe she will rally, but most likely not.


Appreciate any feedback. I am her beneficiary for the funeral and need to make sure it is done right. Hard decisions when your loved one faces death and you so far away.

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I personally would choose to visit while my parent is living.
You won't be interested in visiting during a funeral because Mom is gone, and you aren't fond of remaining family that I can see.
What a long life your Mom has had. I am so glad hospice is present for her.
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It depends on how important being at the funeral is to you . Some people say they need that .

I personally would rather visit and say my good byes ( even if it’s just in my head ) when LO is alive , I also loathe funerals though, but that’s just me .

I think you have to decide yourself. I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer here . It doesn’t matter what others think. We all grieve in our own ways.

I consider a visit to say good bye an alternative to funerals. I don’t believe one is any more appropriate than the other .

You do what you think is most helpful for the grieving process that you have already begun . I’m sorry that you are losing your mother. I’m sorry you have this hard decision to make . Planning a funeral from a distance is possible .
(( Hugs))
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She won't know or care about her funeral when she passes.

Why not visit her now and say your goodbye.

My mother will be 99 next month, no funeral for her, she will be cremated as she says "All my old friends are gone, what is the point"?
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Go Visit your Mom . She maybe waiting for you . Personally I do Not Like funerals . My Mother did Not want One but her sister Insisted Yet she wasn't paying for anything . All her relatives came I really did Not know the majority of them - it was rather strange actually . It really was for her Sister who was close to my Mom . I really did Not Have Much to say to People I did Not Know .
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waytomisery Jan 6, 2024
That’s true. My Dad waited for my siblings to come before letting go .
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I would also recommend as others have that you go now. I had a good friend in hospice and I had to gauge the right time to go. I was able to talk to call and talk to her nurse on each and every shift to help me figure a schedule. I was also able to talk to a person from hospice each day, sometimes several times a day.

You should be able to reach out to hospice to help you with this decision but please do go. Please take care of yourself, I am sorry you are in this situation.
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Onhold1 Jan 8, 2024
Not that easy when you have a hateful brother who will not let know anything about her impending death. He made himself POA of healthcare. He is mute from Parkinson’s and now he made his daughter in charge of her care. His wife usually runs the show. I tried calling thee NH to find out today about my 897 year old mother after she returned from the hospital from FX hip surgery from a fall. I was told that they have instructions not to tell me anything. As long as I have been in health care, I have never known someone to be so cruel to a sister. He is unbelievably controlling and has caused a lot of animosity. I am an RN and was never told about the decision to take over POA for healthcare. I asked the MD and he apologized and thought he talked to me about it.
I am leaving Thurs to go see her in cold wisc. I pray she is still alive when I get there.
just a fyi
this man writes church books and tried to sell on Amazon. His name is Howard Brumback.
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I would go now to see your mom now and stay as long as possible. If she passes before you arrive, complete the task and know you did your best. You have been a wonderful daughter. What you do is for your mom. She has thankfully laid the foundation. I’m sorry for your impending loss.
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Onhold1 Jan 6, 2024
Thank you. Looking for tickets now.
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Your Mom pre-planned her funeral? If so, not much you need to do if Mom picked out her casket. Flowers, they can be ordered by the funeral home or 3k miles away. The service, did she have a minister set up. Funeral director can do that. Viewing, can have one an hr before the service, no need for one the night before. Cremation, even better. No need to have anything. We did not hold MILs service till 3 months later at a National Cemetery where she was buried with my FIL. Her friend put on a luncheon for family and friends. The funeral home can handle everything by phone.

Not sure what you mean by beneficiary to her funeral. Beneficiary means you get what money is not used for the funeral. If a Medicaid pre-paid trust, Medicaid gets whats left over. Visit Mom now and let the funeral home do the funeral.
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97yroldmom Jan 9, 2024
Joann
I thought she perhaps meant there was a life insurance policy meant to pay for the moms funeral and it’s in OnHolds name. My FIL left a policy for his children to buy his headstone separate from the prepaid funeral. That’s what it came to mind for me.
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If you are trying to decide if you want to go now over going for the funeral, my vote is now.

I am so sorry for all that you are going through.
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Onhold1 Jan 6, 2024
Thank you.
I am looking to get tickets now. She does have her funeral paid for and I am responsible to follow it thru. Not sure how it will end up if not there.
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Thank you everyone for your input. Looking to get everything in place to visit her.
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Only you will live with your decision. Listen to yourself. You know what to do. Hug!
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Thank you Everyone for your help. I have purchased the tickets and my daughter is coming with. I am having difficulty getting info from the NH staff as my brother told them not to talk to me. I was able to get some info from hospice and I know she is not eating or drinking.?
I just hope I can get there in time to say goodbye. It’s really hard being so far away. As for the funeral have to what happens. Can only stay for a few days as my daughter has to get back to work and had to hire a dog sitter. I am asking the best decisions with your help and thank you for that.
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SnoopyLove Jan 7, 2024
Keep us updated! Thinking of you and your mom.
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Thinking of you today. This is such an emotional time.

I lost my mom in 2021. She died at age 95 in an end of life hospice care home.

Take comfort in knowing that your mom knows how much you love her.
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Hello everyone
I and my daughter drove and flew 10 hours to get to get to my mother before she passed. When we arrived she looked twisted and arms flailing. Had the nurse give her something. So sad to see her like that She was dying and was alone. No brother or sister in law to comfort her. No hospice people till hours later.
my son drove in from Beloit to say his good byes. We stayed with her till her passing which was 4 1/2 hrs later. My daughter was holding her hand and reading Her favorite verses. We saw her take her last breath with with complete piece. My brother and sister in law arrived later and my sister in law came thru the door like freight train. Just wanted to start arguing in front of mom. I told her to stop. No heart. My daughter took her out of the room.
They were unable to bury my mom right away because of the weather and we needed to get back. She will be laid to rest in 2 degree weather. A Chaplin from hospice will say a few words.
I will never regret not being there for my mothers last breath and want to thank everyone for helping me make the right decision.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 15, 2024
I’m so sorry for your loss.

It is very hard to see our family members during these final hours. You followed your heart and made the best decision for you.

I’m very happy that you were able to be there with your mom. Your children sound very compassionate. I know that you are proud of them.

Wishing you peace as you grieve for the loss of your mother.
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We made it time. She passed 4 1/2 hours after we arrived. It was a beautiful passing. As if you could see her gii on boy heaven. So sorry my brother missed it.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 15, 2024
Thank you for this update. How beautiful that you made it in time. It was meant to be.
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Your Mom waited for you. My nephew and I stopped into see Mom at the NH where she was on Hospice. We left at 1:30 pm, she was pronounced at 1:50. Nurse asked if nephew was the last person who visited, I said yes. She says she sees it all the time. They wait for that one person.
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Onhold
So happy you and your children were there and got to say goodbye. I’m so happy you had the support of your children. You made the right decision. Hugs
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Ohold I am so sorry for your loss. May The Lord give you grieving mercies and peace for this new season in life.

I am happy for you that her passing was peaceful and you were able to see her off.
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So sorry for your loss.
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Very sorry for your loss.
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Onhold, my deepest condolences on the loss of your mom. Thinking of you.
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My condolences . Glad you made it on time to see Mom . May you all be at peace .
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