My brother and I shared staying with my 94 year old mom beginning about 4-5 years ago when mom started showing signs of dementia and we decided she should not be alone. At this point mom was still able to shower on her own, change her clothing, do shopping. We did this until she was hospitalized this past January for pneumonia, followed by 3 weeks rehab, came home for about 2 weeks and was hospitalized again at the end of February. At this time, my brother, his wife and I moved into mom’s house full time to visit her at the hospital and to care for her when she was released under hospice care in early March. My brother and his wife actually moved in when they sold their two-story home to their daughter as they planned to purchase a single story home. Because there are only two bedrooms in mom’s house, I moved a twin bed into mom's room. My brother and SIL have decided to place a modular home in property they own down the street from my mom's. This is property my parents gave him many years ago. This past weekend my brother asked me about a shower in the new home for mom; I told him that mom and I are staying in her home. Their plan to have mom and me move to their place was never discussed with me. I am the primary caregiver as my SIL still works. Somehow by default I’ve become the family cook which was never in my plans when a few years back I planned to move in full time when the time came that mom needed help with her personal needs. My mom has always been independent and never wanted to move with either one of us, but if she had to make the choice it would have been to move with me, she told me that. I have been the one who handles her finances and medical appointments, taking her shopping before her hospitalization. I have given up home 70 miles away and have a house sitter now. So to get to my my question, I feel it is best not to move mom at this point in her life. I think it is best for her to feel comfortable and safe in her home although I do realize that at some point she may not recognize her home. I don’t want to be the house cook, only care for mom. I get upset with issues like they don’t bother to water mom’s plants outside and only water the vegetables they planted this summer. I don’t want to be responsible for the stray cat (who had babies) that my SIL started to feed and has become my job to feed because I am out at 6:00 am to water mom’s plants and hear the cats meowing. I share this info to show my frustration, and more of the reasons my not wanting to move to their new home. Mom came home when COVID broke out and my SIL started working from home. The door to the bedroom is closed then, which I understand, but when she speaks with her family the door is closed and I feel very comfortable. I understand this, but it makes me feel how much more awkward would I feel being in their home.
I feel if I tell them my feelings, it will create bad blood as my brother does not seem to get a feel for how things are for me and thinks his wife can do no wrong. Or maybe partly due to my personality not making waves. My brother means well as mom’s home gets very warm during the 90+ degree temperature, but mom get’s cold so this should not be a reason. Also, the roof leaked last winter and his other reason to get me to move is no one should be in the house while it is repaired. My feeling is there is no reason why we could not be in the house while the roof is repaired, and I will gladly pay for the repair. I’d like to get others’ advice/opinon as to whether it is best to keep mom in her own home or force her to move to a newer home? When I was told about moving in the new home, I said I’d rather take mom to my home and my SIL said “but everything is here”. The only issue would be changing hospice, but I would not move mom to my home, it was to make a point that I shouldn’t move to their home when I have my own. It would be different if the care was 50-50. Is there something I'm not taking into consideration. Help!
Your brother and SIL can fume a bit, then work out if they can manage around your decision. If they can’t, then you are all back to the point where you can’t give mother what she would really want. So few of us can! They all want to stay at home, and pretend to be independent while getting heaps of help. It rarely works. Your brother and SIL are using your love for mother as a weapon to use against YOU. It isn’t good now, and it can only get worse. By the time it does get worse, all the family relationships will be under great strain and it won't be good for your mother either. Please stand up for yourself. Work out your limitations and stick to them.
I'm starting to get the impression that the "real plan" from brother and SIL is for you to take care of them i.e. handling all their needs while SIL is at work and then your mom on top of that. You already said you've become the family cook, water your mom's plants, feed their stray cat/kittens. You stick to your guns and stay put with your mom. If you move in with them, I promise they will take advantage of you - they know you are a diligent and responsible person. Your mom knows that too and that's why she wants you to be her caregiver - just like you said she feels safe with you.
There are so many red flags here - don't ignore them. Once in, it will be that much harder to get out and it will be harder for you to have any input in "their home." You do not need to have disagreements/arguments with them while trying to take care of your mom. If you think you aren't included now when you're not even living with them at the moment, you certainly won't be included if you do move in. This would also make for an unpleasant environment for your mom if tensions start rising. Without proper boundaries that would have had to been in place prior to this, you will be run roughshod over by both of them. If your brother thinks his wife can do no wrong, that does not bode well for you. If you decide to talk to them, you need to make statements - don't become passive and ask permission-like questions as they will likely have an answer like when your SIL said "but, everything is here." I get the feeling she's running the show and that's why your brother thinks she can do no wrong. And yes, if the care was 50/50, it would be different - but, it's not. You already alluded to your "not making waves" personality. I've been there in my much younger years - not anymore. So they know that too.
Your mom has already made it clear what she would want - try to keep it that way for both your sakes! I wish you and your mom all the best!
hugs 🤗
I will say this as gently as I can. YOU must now say as gently as YOU can that you are "not willing to do it their way; that that will not work for you." That you are sorry, but you "cannot consider that." They can say or do whatever they want then, and be ready for accusations of unreasonable attitude, and be ready for manipulation.
Your message above clearly states that you already know what you wish to do here, which is reasonable. To keep your Mom in her home as long as you conceivably can. You have thought this out thoroughly and I congratulate you on that. Now just do it YOUR WAY.
My only hope is that they do not threaten to withdraw any co-caring over this. So go gently and stick to your way. Don't argue this issue. Arguments are never really "won".
Just "piggybacking" off "AlvaDeer's" comment, you could even say to your brother and SIL "things are working just fine as they are and I'm not about to disrupt our routine."
I still feel strongly that they have an "agenda" - one they're hoping you won't figure out until maybe it's too late. I just sense this isn't about your mom in their mind (or maybe it's the SIL as I still think she may be leading him by the nose somewhat). The reason I say that is because they live right down the street. It's not like they wouldn't be able to visit/see your mom, continue to share caregiving duties etc. I just see no logical reason for them being so "adamant" about moving you both in other than what I've already said - you can do everything for everyone all under one roof!
One other thing, I'd be curious if they've ever said anything about selling your mom's house? If that has come up, I'd wonder if it's about the money - especially since you said the house they're in was given to your brother by your parents years ago. Just something to consider. When it comes to being manipulated, you have to look at as many angles as possible and be ready for whatever they may throw at you. You must be on your toes at all times in situations like this.
I’m sure I will get beans for this next suggestion, but stray cats have several litters a year. The old fashioned way to deal with it is to put the kittens in a pillow case and drown them in a bucket. We have a cage cat trap for stray feral cats, and DH shoots them in the cage because they aren’t the type you stroke till they purr. Alternatively, you could pay for them all to be desexed – and the next litter, and the next after that.