Should we just ALWAYS agree?

You really must get relief from this. Please find an adult daycare that could pick her up twice a week for a few hours. Or pay a 'snf' to keep her for 2 weeks at a time, (twice a year, at least). Its called 'respite' care, so you all can have space, & relief. It's not cruel or unusual. Blessings.

IMO, it's not worth the fight. Crabbiness wears you out. You are NOT going to change her mind anyway. Explaining is a useless endeavor. Go along with it to keep the peace and pity her because her brain is "broken" and she can't help how cranky she is.
Let it roll off, like water off a duck's back.

it's hard when it's unexpected. We expect it of MY mom because she's always been that way. But, we still have trouble dealing with it.

TEEPA SNOW (mentioned below)
If you are on this AgingCare site, give yourself a gift + watch Teepa's videos. She explains many different kinds of dementia and how a person may 'act out.'

Learning from Teepa has assisted me to:

* not take interactions personally.
* realizing the brain is not working 'right' (may get worse) and gives me emotional and psychological distance from reacting to the person (and more sense and feelings of compassion).
* You will understand vascular dementia, aphasia (and more) watching her videos - you will feel relief, through understanding.

Understanding dementia (interacting with an inflicted person) IS learning a new language with virtually no learning curve. You are thrown in a situation about 99.99% of family/care providers do not understand nor know how to deal with. Be gentle with yourself going through this -

Rule No. 1: Never argue with a person (with dementia). For you peace of mind, keep quiet and don't 'bite the bait'

Rule No. 2: Do not allow yourself to be a 'punching bag' or be verbally abused.
+ learn to walk away
+ change the subject / redirect the conversation
+ train your mind to go to 'compassion=brain doesn't work' . . . She feels FEAR and CONFUSION. She is scared and doesn't know what is happening to her.
+ Learn reflective responses, i.e., Reflect her words back to her "Oh the cat food is . . . It doesn't matter if there is cat food or not. It is learning how to keep the (potential) emotional intensity even / minimize.

You are doing this for you and your family well-being.
It is a way to protect yourself emotionally and psychologically from being (further) worn down. As you do this, you are also learning compassion as you are understanding the inflicted person cannot help what their brain is doing.
* Do nice little things for yourself and family.
* Physical exercise/movement (yoga, jogging, dance, walking) will help.
* Give hugs and loving touches (hand massage, shoulder rub) to everyone involved who wants / is receptive.
* Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the loved one who is no longer there. It is a grieving process. Letting go and being present with what (and who) is now is a constant learning curve. Gena.

Oh my goodness. This happened to me tonight.
My grandma said she needed ‘new’ instant coffee because the one in the cabinet was ‘years old’. I told her no, that I had purchased it recently (it was, in fact, a brand new jar).
She gave me the evil eye and immediately began arguing that I was wrong.
I just let it go and told her I’d put in on the grocery list.

Honestly I know better than to argue with her. She gets upset because she can’t stand the thought that she doesn’t remember anymore. But sometimes I forget that we can’t have a normal conversation. And I’m dealing with someone that is more child-like every day.

It’s so much easier to just agree with our LO. Not worth the anger it brings out in them. Seems to keep the peace around my home when I follow my own advice!

This is so hard. She is entering her twilight, probably scared. I have been there, but the answer really is yes. She will feel better and so will you. She cannot help it. Just love on her a bit more and she will feel it.

Your mother sounds exactly like my mother did a few of years ago. She has Aphasia which causes a confusion of words and a penchant to call everything by one particular noun for a few days until she switches to another. It only gets worse as time goes on until there is only gibberish, phrases with no subject so you have no idea who or what she is talking about. As hard as it is remain calm and answer her comments with a positive attitude, you have to understand that your mother is afraid. She knows something is wrong with her but cannot express it and tends to take out her fear and frustration on those closest to her. My mother over the past two years has regressed to the point she lashes out at me for not understanding what she is trying to say and accuses me of stealing, hiding her things, and just lying to her about everything. We just learned this week, after testing, that she has vascular dementia, caused by hardening of the arteries in the brain. She also has some scar tissue in her brain that is caused by possible blows to her head over her lifetime (like concussions cause in football players) or mini-strokes. She is 90. The past several days have been rather hellish around here because of a new prescription she is to take. She does not want me to manage her medication, much of which has to be taken on a schedule and not in tandem with other drugs. She is taking a stand that she is now handling her medication, taking it out of the hands of a liar who is trying to steal her money and possessions. Of course, she feels this is one area where she can have some control over her life but it certainly does not bode well for homelife here or proper medication dispense. My health is suffering from the stress I live with but I try to remain calm but often fail, yet keep in mind she is the one who is truly suffering and I want to keep her as best as I can till the end, if I don't drop dead first.

You should absolutely NOT always agree! Why would you want to agree with someone whose mind may be going down hill?

Dear Trainer,
Your family is to be commended for all the loving and support you are
giving your mom! She is so lucky to have such a loving and patient family.
Sadly, our elderly parents with "cognitive impairments" aren't able to comprehend how their words/actions affect us, so we have to develop a "thick skin" as they say. My mom had dementia, so Dr. recommended the book, The 365 hour Day. It really became like a bible for me to understand what mom was going thru and how to deal with behaviors or things she said. Also, it's very important for you all to get some respite as well. As mentioned before, have someone come in a few hours to stay with mom, so you & hubby can go out? Maybe mom can attend a senior center or Day Care facility a few hours for peer socialization & activities?
Eventually I had to place my mom in a Care Home because despite all our efforts to make her life comfortable, happy and safe, it put a strain on our home life and we had very little peace. Mom's Dr. said we did all we could do, and it was what was best for her.
You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your mom, so you're not being selfish by any means. Your marriage is a priority! My wake up call was when my husband went to the ER with heart palpitations! I wish you all peace.

OMG. I thought you were writing about MY mother. Virtually identical situation but at least she doesn't live with me. I feel your frustration. It does make you feel that you are walking on eggshells even when you think you're saying something innocuous.

I try to just humor her. Frequently I just take the abuse. Not sure I have a lot of suggestions to offer, but wanted you to know that you are not alone.

I have two words for you : Teepa Snow! She has video on Youtube. WATCH THEM! She does break it down on how to deal with your loved one when they had Alz/Dem. You can't argue with her, because you will lose. She is also "Showtiming" you; tell you things and you correcting or agreeing with her ("I know"). No she doesn't know, because she can't rationalize anymore. I left her brain ten minutes ago, you are late. LOL! I have been going thru this for four years; at this point I just say Okay Mom. You can't let it get to you; she has no control in what she is saying. (Easier said than done) If I had a dollar for every time my MIL was doing that to me I would have been a MILLIONAIRE! Teepa Snow watch all of those little ten minute videos; I think there are 16. WORTH IT!

Why don’t just agree with everything she says.

You could be talking about my Papa here. If he misses his medicine, he’s stupid. Or he’ll argue about something trivial. I think it’s because he has no control left in his life and he’s angry about that. He hates that his doctor has told him if he falls he has to go back to the nursing home. He hates that he can’t see to do anything around the house anymore. He hates that he can’t drive so we have to take him. He just hates the fact that he’s not in control of his life anymore and there’s nothing to be done about it.

I know exactly how you feel. I live in the UK, and used to work in administration in an over-65's mental health unit. So I knew all the 'best practice" stuff.
But when it came to dealing with my own mum, all the good intentions can sometimes go out of the window.
I have learnt that it's no good correcting her when mum says something I know is completely untrue, and have to bite my tongue at times.
It's hard, especially as she has always had a bit of a nasty tongue and turn of speech.

This may be far out....but... (because I have a bad reaction when I feel this way)...I wonder if she feels that you are being condescending toward her.
You are going to great lengths trying to be "nice." I hate it when people do that to me, because I feel that they are just trying to placate me without acting on MY concerns.
Especially if she has been in a position of authority in her career, she might have been suspicious of subordinates who tried that with her. So, if she's cold or wants more cat food or whatever, what does she want you to do about it? Ask her. Then respond appropriately: Pointing at thermometer, "It's 78 in here. That's what we like. You want warmer, go outside or get a sweater." "Oh, thanks, I'll put cat food on the list." Why argue about that?
I am not dismissing your concern about her cognitive abilities, and they need to be addressed by her doctor. I'm just suggesting that you try to react with less seemingly placating behavior.

You mention her good intentions to see an attorney. Get recommendations or do some research and be ready to make an appointment the next time she brings it up. Immediately. If it's after hours, make a big note on the refrigerator to call first thing in the morning, then do it. Give her an appointment card, write it on the calendar. If she starts "you're pushing me," just tell her she already has the appointment, so she may as well go see what they suggest--she doesn't have to agree with them or do anything if she doesn't want to. Then, go with her and keep your mouth shut when the attorney tells her what she needs. If you are asked for your opinion, say "It sounds like good advice to me, but it's really up to you, Mom." The attorney will tell her what happens if she doesn't have DPOA, etc., then let her decide. Don't second guess her decision because you think she's not competent to make the right one. If she's not competent to make the right decision, it's too late anyway, right?
As others have mentioned, you need a break. Why not visit your daughter's campus for Homecoming or just a fun weekend? Ask Mom what she wants to do while you're away. Staying by herself in YOUR house not being an option you are going to accept because, "I couldn't enjoy it if I was worried if you are OK." Have two or 3 options for her: in-home help, stay at a facility, whatever. She pays for it, because you can't be at her side 24/7/365; you'll be crazy.

My mom was a pain with always being so touchy, sarcastic, thinking we were ganging up on her and generally being a real cranky and disagreeable human. I never even considered that she might be depressed or have anxiety. It got so bad one Christmas that after she left, I promised she would never darken my door again. But I called her one day and she started up again and I let her have it - all my frustration, how her behavior is affecting the family, how no one will want to spend any time with her if she keeps up this behavior. I kept assuring her that I loved her but hated her behavior. She went to the doctor herself after that and was put on medication - I call it her happy pill - I'm not sure what it is, but it has completely changed her mood. She is back to the person I always remembered.

Remember, your mom is not so old or feeble that she can't be talked to like a person. Maybe your mom is tired of being "agreed" with. Maybe causing drama is entertainment. Maybe she just needs to be stood up to.

Of course, if she is suffering from dementia, I don't recommend this at all.

Just my two cents.

You have just described my 87 year old Dad. In my dads case, he always showed previous traits of negatively, condescending, and spoke without a filter many times. I spent I think many times trying to please him, and correct him, or prove him wrong in order to show he was wrong about me/life. Now, with dementia, I find I have to swallow my words....it is so hard to just agree with him....so
I do exactly what your family is doing, and it does not work much. But I and my brother are working at our responses..trying & failing, trying and it’s working. We fail many many times as Dad really is so unhappy with his situation...but he does not wish to make any changes...so he is stuck in a rut on his own accord. He continues to vent and take it out on us. He is much better with other people. Thank God for this site and the advises from those who are going through the same things. We limit our time with visits...you are stuck when the parent resides in your own home. This site you will find will be the best place for help!

Trainer mom, I am sorry if I offended you about your daughter, I don't remember reading about grandma being abusive to her. This is truly an unfortunate situation. Has anyone called her on her abusive behavior? I personally think that saying that is unacceptable and will not be tolerated is okay. No one deserves abuse. I had to put my dad in a facility because he thought he was the authority in my home and he could treat my husband and myself anyway he wanted.

I am able to let him have his way much easier, not being subjected 24/7. Unless there is danger involved, such as going the wrong way on a one way street. In these situations I just ignore him, hard to do but staying safe is the priority.

You say getting away is not possible, could your daughter give you a couple day respite before she heads back to school? A stay vacation, ice chest in bedroom, no one in the house sees you, sneak out when moms in the bathroom, that kind of thing. Make a game out of it.

I can not imagine how tired you are, caring for an adult that needs help with everything is exhausting, I believe that's why we are designed to have children when we are young. Please find a way to take care of you on this journey, she will be in trouble if something happens to you and you're not there to care for her.

I'm honestly shocked by how many of these replies sound fairly critical and unsympathetic to OP and her family. They are doing the best they can and she came here because she needed to talk and be heard: not lectured. I think many of us can understand where you are with your mom. The fact is that caregiving can and does destroy some families, leaving them divided and fractured. And as the child of the person being cared for, you feel guilty that your spouse and children have to shoulder this burden with you as well. But don't carry it alone. They love you and will help you while you help your mother. I suggest seeking a helper or aide a few days a week for your sanity alone. I have one and when she is here, go to my room and decompress, don't think about my mother or her care, read, write, shower or nap. But listen, you are human. You will get frustrated, get angry, get your feelings hurt. You are not a machine. And anyone that lectures you differently happens to be having a decent day where they feel superior. Talk to them on one of the crappy days when life as a caregiver is a true struggle. When your mom is behaving this way, don't engage. If she is feeling frustrated and angry already, you don't want to escalate her behavior. We want her calm and peaceful. A polite agreement is truly the way to go. It will keep her placated and help you keep your sanity. The anger she is displaying is indeed due to the fact that portions of her brain are shrinking and dying. If she was already negative to begin this, you are in for a challenge beyond measure as the disease progresses. But try your best not to take it in and not take it personally or it will destroy you. Don't let that happen because you are too valuable for that. You matter. I heard every word you said and felt the emotion behind your frustration. I know how hard it is. I know you love your mom. And I know you are doing your best. Hang in there.

trainermom:
You and your family have been dealing with someone who is not the same as they were years ago.. For whatever reason, Mom has changed.
Finding out if her behavior can be modified is important, but.....YOU all will have to find a way to think like your MOM.  You love her so much, that is apparent in your actions.  However, if there is to be peace and love in your home, you all will have to come up with some things to say when you don't agree with her.. Things that do not ask for a reply from her...
OK   "Its colder out today than yesterday"  Gee you think so? OR I hadn't realized that! OR I am just right, but I can get a sweater for you, MOM!
Yes, I know it seems like we are catering to them, but when your blood slows down, you Are cold easier, with inactivity that is worse.
Not having had either of my folk in my home to live, I could just limit my visits to AL for a couple of hours and I always left on a good "note". 
Your situation is more intense. 
All those posters who admonished  you and your family to take care of yourselves, too.  They were being very loving to you b/c they have been there!!
God Bless!!

Dear Trainer,

Every time I read posts related to this type of behavior in our elderly loved ones, I wish I could help other caregivers to reach an understanding I reached through simply realizing that my mom is no longer how she was before and it is not something she can control. When your mom acts like that she is not deliberately trying to treat you and your family badly, she simply cannot help herself.

In her mind you REALLY are trying to contradict her and point out she is wrong. So, she feels attacked, she feels like it is the world against her, she feels diminished and treated like a child. Her reaction is therefore permanently defensive.
If you felt like that, how would you react? Wouldn’t you be permanently irritated?

It is so important to understand that she cannot change, but YOU can! and should. Simply, 1) go with the flow. If she says it is cold, just say something like: Do you want a sweater mom? (Because she really feels cold!) 2) if you forget not to challenge something she says or if she simply out of the blue reacts as if feeling attacked, please don’t engage in an argument, nor explain your reasoning how you did saying the appointment was in your calendar, etc, etc...if she says “I know”, just say good mom! With love, or change the subject very naturally.

Someone mentioned that they think their parent even has conversations in their head and therefore reacts in consequence to how those mental conversations went...that’s very possible! Not necessarily conversations but the parent may “picture” you reacting a certain way, even if that didn’t happen at all, and they will hold resentment for what they felt you did to them. It’s complicated and weird, but a person that has committed to caregiving and that does it out of love and wants to continue doing it, needs to realize they need to change their interactions with the loved one and realize it is not a “normal” mind what they are dealing with, therefore feeling offended or engaging in arguments won’t derive anything positive! On the other hand, will leave the elder feeling more resentful and making the situation worse.

Keep in mind, they don’t necessarily remember things how they actually happened, they remember WHAT AND HOW THEY FELT. And what they felt can be miles divorced from your intention or your actual actions.

You might be thinking “well, then this assumes my mom is crazy”. She is not crazy, her mind is very tired. Treat her with consideration. Have a serious conversation with your husband and daughter and explain this, that they need to change too, and more importantly not take what she says at heart.

Also consider that she might react better and behave differently with a third person, an outsider, than you three. So, hiring external help for a couple of days a week might be a great relief for you and for her too. Also, as a family you need to determine if you are able and willing to commit to being caregivers to a person that is different than the loving mom you remember; it is a serious commitment that is only possible if the understanding that it is you who needs to change is reached, along with a large dosage of love and patience, because we are human beings and we struggle to always remember not to take it personally. But it is definitely possible, with a lot of love and a true reassessment of your life and priorities.

Good luck and a hug, to you and to your mom!

I also felt this could be a conversation in my house. I guess what I know should be said and what I say are not always the same.
Cooler?
Yes, it is, but I've been running around so much, I'm hot!
Catfood?
I'lI put it on the note.
Writing it gives me time and energy to think what I should say. In the heat of the moment, I don't always feel the energy to respond in a positive manner.
Nothing that comes out of my mil's mouth is positive. She has always been a negative person and now it is much worse.
Adult daycare has been a Godsend. Now I feel I have a bit more to give without going crazy.

I'm sorry things with your mom aren't well. Perhaps speak to her doctor see if there is an underlined reason for her behavior. And mood swings. Other wise agree with her is your best bet. Good luck also it's ok to vent that's how you can possibly prevent caregiver burn out. Which I'm at because my father didn't give me a chance to properly grieve my mom cause he decided a week to the day later he didn't want to live anymore. So I have been caring for him for two years. My mom was an angel to care for he's terrible.

The most wonderful thing about this site is sharing with many who have been where you are. My mother was not under the same roof, thank the dear Lord!
But we found an answer. I made sure her Dr. knew what I was dealing with and the negativity and rages I’d had to listen to from her. Also, with dementia she needed to go to the bathroom every 5 mins., not true! Or she’d tell him she had 3 strokes. Not true. It’s so important to go to the Dr. with her and know what’s being said. My mom’s Dr. told me he’d treat her for depression (a happy pill). The low dose did nothing and he gradually raised it to 100 mg.
At last she became pleasant, easy to help and grateful!!
I hope this helps, because it will most likely get worse for her and for you.
God bless you!!

I have been reading most of the responses regarding your issue and agree with most of them. It is a hard situation for everyone involved. I will be buying a couple of the books suggestions myself. However, as difficult as it may be, try to put yourself in your mothers shoes.... She doesn't drive, cook, clean, do laundry, etc anymore. What else is there to do? Her life is not the independent life she used to have. What is keeping her active? (Sounds like the arguments is what she is looking forward to because that is what's getting your attention) My mom also makes comments about me thinking she "is stupid". In this day and age of technology, she can't understand what a voicemail is or why she can't hear the message when someone leaves one on her "voicemail". She still thinks she has an answering machine. She lives alone at 85 (independent living) for now but I know it won't be long before I will be making a decision in the next step on what to do with her. She will be one that will kick and scream and hate me because of what I will be forced to do since she refuses to "live with her kids". I won't go into detail about my issue, but know that there are options. It used to be that we needed a little help,whether it was a book or others that have gone through what we are going through, with our first baby. Now, it's with our aging parent(s). It comes full circle. I don't correct my mom when she obviously has meant something else; cat instead of dog, etc. That would certainly start an argument, for now I know that I catch myself doing that myself and I also realize that she just wants conversation. So, I decipher what she's trying to say and ask questions about her younger days and experiences. I sit at the kitchen table and give her my undivided attention for a little while and just listen and every once in a while, I ask a question or two.

An easy statement "your right about that".

You and your family are patient saints! Your conversations and her anger sound like what I am going through with my father. He does not have dementia, but is old, and does sometimes get things wrong. We are a family of correcters...always...I was always corrected. If I correct him, then I'm being argumentative. He will explode. He used to explode more at my mom, but she passed away a year ago. But the arguing over opinions is crazy...and it's mostly the temperature in his apartment or outside. He will crank the heat to 95...and if I say it's hot (and it's 90 outside) he'll say there is something wrong with me. I know he's old..I do tell him he feels temperature differently than I..instead of accepting that, he talks down to me saying I am wrong..my feeling of hot is wrong. My dog, and I are both panting..but he's right. 95 in house..turning on heat in July in Virginia! When there is a heat wave. Argh..and we argue every other fact. Like where the lawyer's office is. I'm showing him on map..driving us there, as he's telling me I'm wrong. I'm not. It's ongoing. Hang in there. You are more saintly than I.

TrainerMom, when I read your post, for a minute I thought: did I write this in my sleep? Then I realized I don't have a daughter! Seriously, I could have written nearly every word.

My mom has mid-stage dementia and does the exact same things. Only she also says that I'm crazy, stupid, she hates me, etc. when I don't agree with her. The only thing that works for me (sort of) is to politely ignore her. I am an extremely logical thinker, so agreeing with her is tough for me, but I do it as much as I can when she forces me into commenting on something.

I could go on (and on), but the real point I want to make is that you are NOT alone. I have found this forum to be immensely helpful for the very reason you mention: it gives us someone to bounce this stuff off of and remind us that we are doing the best we can.

Actually, I would have just said, "okay" to the cat food and I would have looked at the thermometer re: the temperature.

Walk a mile in her shoes to see how it sounds to your mother. It does sound like you're going out of your way to be disagreeing with her in your examples.

I'm sorry, but that is just how it sounds to me.

I know what you’re going through. I can still feel the knot in my stomach when I think about the impossible task of trying to get along with my mother when she lived with us. Damed if you do....damed if you don’t. I hated to get out of bed in the morning. I felt nauseous and couldn’t eat. She’s now in an AL and while she hasn’t changed, my life has. I still experience the same symptoms when I visit her (twice a week and I take her to lunch and bring her to my house for dinner) ...self imposed guilt) but when I leave, I feel like a “free” person. You have to find a way to have her live elsewhere. Low income housing is an option if she can’t afford AL. It would be better to provide her with daily help if she’s in her own place than it is to have her with you. At least your home will be your own once again.