My only sibling refuses to help 90+ yo parents. What to do?

You should stop talking to a rock, because I have never ever heard of one talking back, and the one you have does talk, but his answers do not help you, so they add to your stress level. So just stop, and leave him out of your parents affairs. After so much of you beggin for help, he has not moved one inch, no more than any other rock can move. So get some help from a reputable organization, or ask around for people in you church congregation, or anywhere else too help you out at times, so you can take an occasional break, and during your break reach out to anyone beside the 'Rock' to help you out.
I really wish you the best, but you are between a rock, and another rock...him.l
taz0921 (Stan Z.)

Ugh, MMason, I'm so sorry for you. I did have the same situation. I can tell you that the situation brought out some just bizarre psychological s**t from both of my sisters (separately) toward me, since childhood. It was just so crushing to me that they cared more about their petty issues with me than our mom. [There's no history of blowups or actual incidents among us.]

During the 5 years I lived with mom (was forced to retire from 35 yr. career, the meltdown of a 30 yr+ relationship, mom deteriorated very quickly and dramatically. numerous 911 calls, following ambulances (usually in the wee hours of the morning) , 6 admissions, countless dr. appointments [never a letup]. Younger sis (by 7-8 yrs.) has always detested me (only Freud could begin to try to figure that one out), so even though she'd retired and did not need to work financially, she kept getting new full-time jobs while I was getting CRUSHED psychologically and physically, and refused to ever come over to visit my mom because "I" was there.

The older sister has always been icily selfish and self-absorbed, and not ever much interested in family.

At some point, they each sent e-mails telling me flat-out to stop contacting them with my 'hysterical' reports (each time following ambulance rides, surgery for broken bones, strokes, constant UTIs, full-time doc appointments). Just MEAN.


SO, MMadison, I finally gave the sisters 30 days notice that I was leaving. This was emotionally devastating for me, and in NO way gave me any satisfaction. But I knew (intellectually) it was the stronger thing to do given the facts. Expectedly, the one in town is experiencing what I went through, and is now the #1 caretaker. It's been a year now, and I'm gradually, slowly healing. I've had a gift of a GREAT therapist who I've worked with for many years, and always knew of the situation and supported me big time throughout that period.

I am sorry that I couldn't provid a more hopeful experience. You'll continue to learn how absolutely classic the sibling scenario is, so knowing you are NOT alone may help you. Thinking about it, though, I am serene that I have absolutely 'clean' karma because I never said an ugly word to either of them [they are how they are, nor would they respond to a scolding from me]. I did my best with my mom [and did a damned good job], kept my peace, and am now working on healing, which will never be complete for me. My therapist tells me that I need to work with PTSD from the experience, now that I'm 'out' of the situation.

In the end, I hope that you will also know that you did your best, and never slacked off your commitment. The support from this forum kept my head above water the entire time! My best wishes to you. Namaste.

It's not like you are going to get anything out of a rock, but I would be tempted to ask for money in lieu of participation on his part. A small amount on a monthly basis. Say $25.00. $15.00. $10.00? Enough to cover your gas expenses?

My brother kept saying to me "you don't have to do all these things you say you do...it is your choice".  He is right, it is my choice not to be a selfish ass.  You have to let your sibling go...he has made his choice and you have made yours.  With that being said, you are only one person and there are only so many hours in a day.  Your last big effort in all of this may be to find somewhere for your parents to go....moving my mom into assisted living took many of the tasks off of my plate.  Now, I do her laundry and bring her personables and pay her bills.  Everything else is handled by assisted living facility...medication, doctors visits, meals, etc.

Don't give your brother one more ounce of your energy.  He doesn't deserve it and you can't afford it.

I have 4 living siblings. One lives only ten miles away. One lives less then an hour away. My dad has leukemia and my mom has alzheimers. I have no sibling help. I've been taking care of them doctors appointments pick up meds fill the meds every week (mom is on 26 meds a day). Do there Bill's online. When there is an emergency they call me not 911. They gave me poa years ago. Some siblings got mad at that and not only dont talk to me but havent spoken or seen parents in three years. Parents have no savings and live pay check to pay check. I totally understand what you are going through. It's very depressing being the only one doing anything. And when having an emergency myself I cant even count on my siblings. I had to have rotar cuff surgery and i take my dad to immuntherapy every month. Everyone said they couldn't take him so he drove himself an hour there and an hour back. I believe my siblings are all self centered and truly dont care. It's sad and hard. Hang in there. Havent spoken to 3 of my siblings in three years and about to give up speaking to the last one I talk to. I have so much hate towards the siblings and get so down and sad all the time. I feel guilty for feeling like this but there is only so much a person can do and take. I dont understand how siblings dont care and can just live there lives. Hanging on by a thread here. But this site helps me so much knowing I'm not the only one going through rough times.

If he is employed and taking money from them, perhaps you could get POA or control of their finances. I'd work on that. If you accomplish that, I'd tell bro that you were in control, and you'd see that not one thin dime would go to him unless he started pulling his weight. I'd tell him you were working on a restraining order because he was taking advantage of your parents. A good scare won't make him a decent person, but it might get his attention. What a XIJ!!?!

He is 'male' so gets off & you are 'female' so must shoulder these jobs which many guys use as an excuse & have done so for centuries - I assume your parents are imigrants & that bro is still is in the dark ages - good luck because he's not going to change

Yes, I have an older sister that refuses to contribute financially or otherwise to my Mother and Brother's care. They live with me and my husband. They are here twenty-four seven. We could use a break from them but no in the family, aunts or sister will step up. So we just go on doing what we can. The hard part is when the aunts or sister come to visit, once a year if that. We have to smile and pretend we like them anyway so that we all won't be uncomfortable while they're here. VERY FRUSTRATING !!! So we don't get cancer from anger issues, we try to forgive them over and over again with God's help.

Gad. It's so sad to hear of the selfish siblings. I have a child who will take care of me. His wife is very generous and kind. The rest will likely contribute some money, but I'm guessing not a lot. I feel lucky to have him and his wife, and we plan to leave any money we have to him and and his wife. My Husband and I took care of my Mom from 1988 until her death in 2005. It was his idea she move in with us. Sometimes it was hard, but I'm so glad we did it. I couldn't live with myself if I left a parent to die on their own.

Wel, 1st of all, I'd stop talking to the rock.
2ndly, I have no good advice to give you, but a lot of the people who have written to you about what they would do have many great things to consider advice wise. Stan Z. ( Tazzman )

Your a nut Mitch!! That's the stupidest advice i have ever heard!!! You're a nutcase!!!

It’s easy for people to suggest a retirement facility but unless your parents arranged for that, it might not be readily affordable.

Interesting info in the article

https://www.nextavenue.org/forgotten-middle-afford-senior-housing/

I also had a narcissist, self-centered bastard of a brother who was the "golden boy" his whole life. He would not lift one finger to help our parents. I was named trustee of all of their money, which means that he was not entitled to a damned dime. When Mom passed, I was not obligated to split the money with him. He got nothing, and I bought a new house. I see this as compensation for many ruined holidays, and for him sitting on his ass while my husband did the work he should have done. A trusteeship works by giving you your parents' money, and then you dole it out when they need it. If there is anything left, you keep it. I do think there are issues with Medicaid, so I would seek the advice of an estate attorney. In the meantime, husband and I are enjoying our house, while my brother works at Walmart.

Yes, I've been in your situation; and I send you a long, deep hug of empathy.

I'm a middle daughter (3 females). Asking sometimes politely and sometimes angrily for advice, support, opinions, neither ever bothered responding in any manner. 4+ years of daily appointments and 24. hr bedside butler/maid service, and six 911 calls at ungodly hours, resulting in 24 hours of no sleep -- and continuous psycho damage, not sleeping, indescribable depression. I'm blessed with being able to afford for awhile a gifted private therapist (I've no insurance). I left 8 months ago [NOT easy, logistically or financially], after the basic '30-day notice' to the sisters The two were forced to become involved, actually give their time and attention. Neither have ever contacted me. They've no clue where I moved to (2,000 mi. away), and obviously don't care. It is incomprehensible to me.

This is where my brave friends and therapist (alll 4 of 'em) became my teachers and supporters along the way. Over 2 years time, each communicated in their own perspectives that leaving, WITHOUT ANGER, was the only thing for me to do. I worked on the 'without anger' AND the guilt of abandoning my mom, for 18 months. It was pretty bad for me. But when I did it, it was with some bit of equanimity.

MMasonSt., I hope it helps you a little to know that your circumstance is not at ALL uncommon. Life's messy, as I've been told and have learned; acceptance is the answer. Bathe in all the good you have done and are doing. Your siblings don't mean to be (they know not what they do) toxic. But, MMasonSt., they are. Now you've gotta get down and dirty with your spiritual advisors, in whatever form it/they take. Blessings upon you . . . i will hold you in my heart as a 'fellow'.

Its a no win situation, but if you love and care for your parents, you do your best for them, because later on when they pass away you will have memories and you will find some consolation in the fact that you were there for them. Do whatever is safe and best for your parents and for yourself as well, take care of your health too, as if you get sick, who will care for them and for yourself. Many of us will be in the same situation as elderly needing care one day, so we should give instructions before it happens to your children that they have to share the care. You need to be firm. If it works well good for you, but if it doesnt work, well at least you know you prepared them. Preparing children for what lies ahead if we fall sick, we need family to get together and pitch in and help. That should be the formation. Most of the people who refuse to help dont want to face reality of sickness and old age, they dont like to go to hospitals and see the suffering, because they have not be told by their parents from an early age that sickness and suffering is part of life and its our duty and best interest to help, so we each contribute and will also learn from the experience. Its too late when it all starts happening and expect everyone to suddenly do something. You can't change an adult person to change their mindset. Some people just dont want to accept responsibiity all their life. He probably knows that you will still care for them regardless. So try and find your own peace, rather than waste your time trying to get him to see sense. Pray for this matter and God will help you all the way through, He will give you strength to do your work.

He may not change. My one sibling did not. He flew all the way across the country when our mother lie on her death bed and I'd been living with her out of state (left my family) for an extended period. Prayers and good luck.

3 things I've learned with my siblings:
1. Actions speak louder than words. The action of not turning up says it clear.
2. Nothing you say or do will change other siblings/people.
3. Siblings get to choose how they wish to help (or not help)

Even if your brother was retired & lived one street away he still might not help. He may see it as your parent's resonsibility to live their life, not his.

I get that it can feel so unfair when you are knee deep in all this! I certainly feel for you but can see both views.

Just work out how much *you* can do & want to do & start getting non-family in for the rest. Have eyes open to when it is too big for you & do what's required. Good luck :)

We basically had to trick our mother into moving back to the states and living in an independent living facility-- and then finally into an assisted living arrangement. We have not had much if any help from the youngest 2 sibs. We are fine with that. What you need to do is establish yourself as Power of Attorney whether your brother likes it or not-- convince your parents it is for their own good and find a good place close by to move them into and then quietly sell their home. They will understand or forget and become more helpable. Good luck. IT is NOT easy. it has been a kind of hellish time off and on with our mother especially when she broke her shoulder falling. BUT at least she did it where there was someone to quickly witness the aftermath and call me. Thank God for caregivers otherwise I would be out of my mind by now. We as a family have been going through the BIG CHANGES since Dad died and Mom became more vulnerable to all sorts of health problems since '04. Question-- do your parents have any spiritual guides-- religious? And your brother ? My favorite quote is to forgive because most of the time those that need forgiving have no earthly idea of what they are doing. There is also another issue-- perhaps Brother cannot mentally deal with seeing his parents lose their lives in such a irrational manner. Both of my younger sisters I know-- cannot deal with any of this-- and I can always count on them to come up with the most off the wall interpretations. Trust me when I say you are better off dealing with all the stuff on your own. Do yourself a favor-- however-- and join a support group at a local church. Many folks in support groups are always 2 steps ahead of you and can help lead you away from troublesome pratfalls.

You pretty well described the relationship he has with the parents. They are HIS caregivers and the roles are not likely to reverse. Teachers work long hours but it should not be until 9pm every night and all weekend long - BUT - that's his story and the parents have bought it hook, line and sinker.

The cash gifts are going to penalize your parents as far as getting a state medicaid bed if/when their funds to private pay finally run out. You do need to have that conversation with the brother about no more asking for cash/gifts or accepting them because of this penalty period he is helping to create. Just tell him with all the hours he works, there should be no reason to use their money as well.

If funds available, hire someone to help in the current situation. Check in to local medical transports for the days you cannot get them to the dr appts which would also be private pay. Medicaid allows transports in certain states, but the patient will spend a day getting to/from an appt because others are transported at the same time. At any rate, it's time to hire some help if they can afford.

Don't spend any energy on being mad at your brother because it will only upset you, not him. He's not a caregiver and you are not going to change him.

I know exactly how you feel . In my case it’s my older sister. She explains that she can’t stand being around our mother who is negative and complains . Even with our mom having dementia my sister will say she’s playing mind games w her . Her other excuse is that our mother was mean to her growing up so she should only have to participate minimally. I’ve decided to let it go and do what’s right for mom and me.
I’m sending you good vibes and strength. God knows we all need it .

Yes..we all have similar experience like this. You can’t depend on brother. Just accept it. Can’t change it or do anything about it. Get help for YOU. Either in home care or look into ALF for parents. One can be in Ŝenior living & the other in ALF....if their abilities differ. If they are 90 yo they will decline...& you will too if you get no help, but certainly don’t expect it from brother. You’re not just taking care of one parent...& it’s double stress. Good luck & hugs 🤗

MMasonSt, this is the most common question asked on this forum. It is a real rarity when someone has sibs and gets help from them. Almost every family has ONE child who helps, and the others who are slackers. Those of us on this forum are all "ONE"s. I have known one family in which several sibs helped. That's all. Out of all the families I have known. The person I know from that family thinks that the rest of us don't "ask" enough, but we do.

Chances are he won't change.

This is a huge problem for tons of caregivers and their siblings. You are not alone by any means.

It sounds like his overall behavior is and most likely always has been unfavorable to caring for and about others. Also sounds like a 60 yr old mooch who needs to grow up. Teachers dont work those kinds of hours all the time unless hes a coach, working two jobs etc. What the excuse he uses in the summer?
Anyway, attention needs focused on you! Changing him will be like getting a cat to like baths.

Check to see if there are any home health care providers in your area. Ask for meeting to see what they can do to help you when needed.

See if brother can at least help financially if it's not possible for parents to pay.

Thousands of families are falling apart due to this problem.
Get a few steps ahead by planning before it's too late.
Get power of attorney, longterm care plans made etc.

Take care of you with support groups or counseling if possible.
Caregiving takes its toll.

I was a strong minded confident person until my Dad became I'll. Brother helps with nothing. Sees Dad for less than 8 hours every 2 years. Because of my brother, I now have PTSD and depression to deal with in addition to helping Dad.

Take care of yourself first my dear.
Hugs for you and your parents.

Hi. Yes. My 85 yr old high maintenance FIL lives with us. We do everything for him. My hubby’s brother, oldest son of my FIL does not come around to help. It is frustrating! On occasion when we have traveled ( months ago) he did come by after his brother said we needed it. Anyway, I have no idea why his brother does not come by, not even to help us out, but to visit his old dad. I think there are issues from childhood that the brother resents. On the other hand he has taken money ( borrowed but doesn’t pay back number of times) but does not come by to visit his father. I don’t even think for a minute that he even cares all we do and sacrifice. I see him as extremely selfish, and quite frankly self absorbed in his own life. ( he is 58 with a live in 24 yr old partner ). With all this said, I went through what you are. I ultimately got to a place that just accepts things and people as they are. Sad but true. You won’t get these people to do the right thing because they are not capable or they have issues we can’t understand or help with. God Bless you I know how rough your road is.

Yes, my three other siblings are like that. I made the very hard decision (based in part from all I've read on this site) to not be the caretaker any more. Suddenly I realized that I had a right to a life. My mother (only parent) raised the other selfish siblings and constantly defends them (my sister has been wealthy housewife all her adult life with only yoga and painting as obligations since her children are grown), so what she has when I'm no longer helping is of her own making. It was possibly "easier" for me as my mother was extremely abusive to me, but she did write me out of her will when I left to try to get my health back. (She has no health or money problems, whereas I do - money from taking care of her for free rather than working.). Just a thought: maybe you can step back and if he doesn't step up, then so be it.

Before commenting, I read through all the responses, including your additional posts. Initially, for whatever reason, you were thinking we make money here, only suggest facility/hiring help, blaming you. As many have assured you, we're only here to either get some advice ourselves or to give some, based on our own experiences. The only "pay" we get is some satisfaction that we have helped in any way.

I can assure you that you aren't alone with the sibling issue or having to figure out how to care for your parents w/out sibling help. From your additional posts, it sounds like you understand that now. Your brother is self-centered, lazy or just doesn't get it - whatever shoe fits. The issue at hand is neither you nor any of us are going to change him. It sucks that siblings often don't help, but on some level be thankful he doesn't butt in - some do, criticizing everything or taking legal action to get access to the parents assets.

Be aware that there ARE a few members on this forum who will mandate it is your responsibility to provide ALL the care needed and will try to guilt you if you can't/don't. IGNORE them. At least one will DEMAND that you stop catering to them and place them. IGNORE. The majority provide suggestions, options or just commiseration. It isn't always possible to do 100% care, and having two parents and no family to help, it could take you down first!  Know your limitations, find whatever help might be available to give you a break now and then. Many of us have been/are in your shoes. We learned the hard way and hope to share our learning experiences with those who are new to all this fun.

I have 2 brothers. Both did provide some help, but it wasn't enough. Most fell on me to handle (I did/still do all the financial work, manage healthcare issues, provide OTC supplies that the facility doesn't cover.) Arranging for the cleanout, repair and sale of her condo sucked up over a year and a half of my time and energy, never mind $ for gas (it was 1.5 hours travel each way.) When I told OB it was getting to be too much to handle, he just bellowed at my to 'give it up'! No alternate plan or suggestion. USELESS! OB had to come from 2 days away, which he did several times, however I found on his last trip (May 2018) that his abusive nature towards me from childhood never went away. He was to be here 2 weeks to help and didn't make it through 1 week before physically abusing me! Yelling is bad enough, but enough to bruise my leg? Done with him and I do mean DONE. He isn't welcome here. YB was hard to get answers/commitments from, but now with mom refusing to walk, I need him to take over the medical/dental trips. I can keep track and arrange them, but I can't support her weight to transport her.

While it's good that you now know you won't get his help, getting the anger out and letting it go will help you. No real need to forgive, just get the anger out and let it go. It isn't easy, and can flare up again. I wrote each brother a long email expressing everything, but never sent them. It allowed me to express all the crap, kind of a catharsis and put it away. Sending it wouldn't have changed anything other than angering them. I just wanted to move on, so I did.

What was being advised is to stop wasting energy on trying to change the situation with him. It isn't likely to happen. You can't change him. You have acknowledged that, so now focus that energy on doing what you can for your parents and yourself. You mention wanting to socialize - YES! Of course that means maybe needing someone to be there while you are out (unless they can be alone for periods of time.) Since their care needs most likely will escalate, you need to have plans in place either to provide the potential 24/7 care yourself, hire help or find an affordable facility that can meet their needs.

Will continue in a post to this post....

I am so sorry that I don’t have an answer, but I do totally sympathize. After my mom passed, someone needed to care for my dad, and it fell to me and my husband. I totally thought my sister would help quite a bit to at least relieve the burden... but a couple months later she just up and moved across the country! I’m still angry 3 years later! She did come once in those years to cover for us so we could take a vacation, and we are going away this winter for a couple of weeks and I didn’t ask but rather TOLD her... “these are the dates, you have to come stay with him”. She will... but it’s the daily grind that wears you down, and it sure would be nice if she was here to do stuff weekly or at least monthly. But I don’t expect anything from her and that’s how it is I guess. I am sorry for you tho; I get how hard it is.

RayLinStephens: "My father would complain about my 2 sisters not doing their share"

Wow! I think that's very unusual! Many parents just make excuses (or even give money to) the ones that don't do anything.

I agree with the many other comments here in that your brother is never going to help. Stop struggling with him and use your energy to move on without him. Your situation did remind me, though, of my own offers to help care for my 88 year-old mother who lives with my brother and his wife. I have offered specific help and general help, and it is all rejected. My brother complains about how he has to do it all, but when I offer help he immediately says "No, I can do it." So, I take care of my mother's bank account, pay her bills, sometimes make medical appointments. Sometimes I take her to her appointments and out to lunch. I've offered to take her to senior activity centers, the library, or other places to get out of the house and into the world, but she rejects the offers with "We'll see. I'll let you know." I don't know if it would help, but maybe try asking your brother to do something specific (although, I'm guessing you've already tried that). Good luck to you.

Sounds like the behavior of your Brother is ongoing and wont change. Don't expect it too. You can only do what you can do and there is no reason to let him continue to disappoint you. Seek outside help, if necessary such as a private aid or hiring help from an agency. Go forward as though he is not in the picture and things will become more clear on what to do and how to do it. Stop letting him distract you.