My only sibling refuses to help 90+ yo parents. What to do?

I can't relate since I am an only child. However, having dealt with other family members who lived 5 miles away from my mother while I lived 215 miles away from my mother, and they WEREN'T working, and I was, I finally got her over in my
area after numerous comments (YOU need to do something about your mother!), so I did when I finally gave up my full time job to go part-time, got DHS involved, attended doctor's appointments and follow-up appointments with her, got animal control involved due to the large number of dumped animals she was feeding, and had enough documentation to prove that she needed help, and that I was the only one willing to step in and give it to her. It cost me my job, eventually, and I have had her for 3 1/2 years on my own ( with the help of facilities), but no more of "YOU need to do something about your mom" because I did. If I had had a sibling, that sibling WOULD have been involved or paid a high price for non-involvement in my mom's care because I would have made that sibling's life miserable until they became involved just to shut me up and get me off of their back. And believe me, it WOULD have carried it out!

Who are these sadists who say caregiving of one's parents is a "choice"? Come on, who are you really? Be nice for once and admit neglecting to care for them is pathological.

You can lead a horse to water, you can't make him drink.

You're not going to change your brother - stop making yourself sick over it.

My father would complain about my 2 sisters not doing their share but I just told him that they worked while I was home. It didn't bother me since I had the time. Only when I had to decide husband or father, then I called them and someone had to take Pop to wherever he needed to go. Thankfully, in 7-1/2 years, that only happened twice.

Sounds just like my sibling........wouldn’t help, said he worked & it was a part time job. Would visit for an hour or so every other week. But when mom could no longer manage her finances he stepped right in & pushed me out of the picture. Parents make excuses for them because you’re doing it all.
Make sure you have POA for finances & healthcare in place & get visiting nurse or some help so you can take a much deserved break.
I no longer have nor wish to have any future contact with my sibling. He has forever ruined our relationship.

Many people, even family members, cannot or will not ever be able to offer hands-on help in a care giving sitution. Accept that your brother is someone who just cannot do it. Don't keep aggravating yourself by trying to persuade him to help. Make whatever arrangements you can to share the caregiving with hired help to give yourself a break. If your brother is willing to contribute any money toward your mother's care, be grateful for that. Don't keep disappointing yourself by asking your brother to do things he is temperamentally unable to do.

I have a brother who won’t help in any way. The best gift I ever gave myself where this is concerned was acceptance. Your brother, like mine, has shown you what he’s not willing to do, there’s no good to come from keeping after it. Accept that he’s useless for help and move on to other alternatives

Unfortunately, I think almost every family has one person like you who does it all and another like your brother who does nothing. You are not going to make him change and suddenly become a good son. Usually the parents either make excuses or accept his excuses for why he can't help. I think it is their way of "saving face" when they realize their child isn't willing to help them.

You might want to look into adult day care services or other services that will allow you a respite from caring for them. You say your mom still cooks so it appears they are in their own home. If there are finances for this, try to get a house cleaning service to come in. Or request they take medical transport to their Dr. appointments and you meet them there. It sounds as if they are still somewhat independent so perhaps you can cut back on your own visits and make phone calls instead of visits. You have to make it easier on yourself since your brother will not.

I have 2 sisters. 1 sister has no finances to help my mom, but calls mom several times a week. The other sister has ample finances, but travels for work and we rarely hear from her. I wish both could be of more help. Sadly, they won't or can't. I accept this fact and make the best of the circumstances.

Seems like you're a little burnt out. Get help from others. Stop badgering your brother. He will only do as he pleases, as we all do.

Step 1: Realize he's not going to change, and stop expending your mind energy and time to expect otherwise.
Step 2: Read step 1 again.
Step 3: Realize you don't have to be the ONLY one. Get local agencies involved for suggestions and stop being as available IF you don't want to be.
Step 4: Get some legal input and become the POA so that the gifts diminish to brother or you are aware. Have the lawyer explain caregiver agreement. Parents will have to agree; if they don't, you can pull back also. Seems many of the greatest generation have an expectation of our being there to help..and we want to...but we have our own issues, work as well. We are exhausted too!
Any chance granddaughter could help? There is more invested in teaching than one realizes, not to defend your brother...but to be fair, he has his own limitations/boundaries and you can have yours as well.

Do your parents have the resources for assisted living? Focus on that. Seems like you’re devoting your whole life to their care, and if that’s the amount of care they need, it’s time for AL.

Forget your brother. You can’t make him do what he doesn’t want to do (and vice versa). His relationship with your parents will only ever be a source of pain and resentment for you and that’s not healthy.

When I took my mom to see a doctor because I knew something was not right (she was getting lost when driving, losing her checkbook weekly, telling me someone was peeking in her windows at night, showing up at my house as I was leaving for work thinking it was a weekend, etc..)  She was diagnosed with dementia and failed a simulated driving test.  At that time she lived alone in her house so that meant someone had to help her with her home, bills, doctors, medication, shopping, grass cutting, etc....  I was running myself ragged.  Taking off from my job to take her to doctors appointments, I would head over there after working all day to help with pills and dinner and whatever and then on weekends I was cutting her grass and taking her to the store and I needed help.  I have a brother who is 3 yrs younger than me, he is a nurse and works out of his home so he has lots of free time.  He was doing nothing.  I asked if we could create a schedule so one week he would handle things and the next week I would handle things... He went off on me ...started yelling that he didn't have to do anything and then started belittling me and name calling etc.  I hung up the phone and we did not speak for three years....  By myself I had to get moms house ready to sell and put it on the market.  I had to sell her car.  Visit assisted living facilities and move her into one. Not enough time to tell you all that entailed! No easy feat!  I was so angry at him because he is a very selfish person and my mom has helped him the most.  She let him live with her after his divorce and he paid her nothing.  She babysit his daughter so he could go out and party.  She bought him furniture when he finally did move out.  And now he felt no obligation to help her.  And here is the funny part of this story. During our 3 yrs of not speaking, he started a business that helped seniors that needed companionship, or a ride to the store or chores around the house.  He didn't do it himself of course, he employed people that would go to the seniors house.  So apparently as long as he is paid for his services, he doesn't mind being in that line of work. So yes, he wouldn't help his own mother, but he is in the business of helping elders. You can't make this ****up.  The bottom line is that you can't make your brother do the honorable thing.  He has to look himself in the mirror and he has to answer to God.  In your head you have to remove him from the equation.  He is not going to help his parents, which means it all falls on you.

You need to get medical and financial POA so that you can manage their care.  It is too much for one person, so assisted living might be the answer.  That will take a lot off of your plate. Most are very nice and they offer a lot, but they are expensive.  Sounds like they need round the clock care  It takes a while to get everything set up and to a manageable point, but you can do it.  Start doing your homework...the sooner you do this the sooner your parents will get the care and companionship they need at this stage in their lives and the sooner you get your life back.

My only sibling and her favorite might I add, refuses to even call his 81 yr old mom that is living in my home. She can’t live alone any longer, his response to me was dont give in to the pressure put her in an assisted living facility. Oh well thanksgiving and Christmas are coming so may be he will call then.

Who has power of attorney and health care advocate? Make sure you are. Expect nothing from your sibling. Your parents should be in assisted living. If they don't want to go, they have to live with that decision. You will not get a medal for making yourself into a martyr. Sorry

99.99% chance that he’s not going to have a change of heart but if you feel a last ditch effort should be sending him a letter, go for it even if the only result is YOU feel better and get off your chest what needs to be said.

i have looked after my mom, dad or both for 19 years. I’m currently lying on my 97 yo father’s couch next to his hospital bed during his final days. Could I have put them in assisted living? Yes. But the decision to keep them in their family home until the end was MY decision. It’s easy to speak of putting them somewhere but it’s NOT free.

I had gotten all my facts together, reached out to an elder care attorney, got all the documentation together and I have a very accommodating employer who allows me to work from here when I need to, previously take off for doctors appointments, etc.

i cannot express how urgent it is NOW to go to an elder care attorney and get the facts of what needs to be done (Trust fund, etc) to protect your parents and yourself. You need to be named their power of attorney ASAP.

My my father was a LAWYER and took care of everyone else’s business. I was the one to make sure to get the POA, healthcare POA, etc. When I started, the look back period was 3 years, then became 5. I got everything taken care of and when I needed it, 7 years had gone by.

All that said, you need to move NOW.

lkdrymom: " If you should be angry at anyone it should be your parent who refuses to have anyone but you do all the heavy lifting."

Is this the case? Are your parents refusing to hire any help?

Decide what you can do, realistically & fairly and STICK TO IT! You life comes first; your brother’s life comes first for him. You owe Mom some caring + a little oversight, not the rest of your lives. Tell Mom to spend the money on help for her sake & for yours. To hell with your brother; do what is fair and let Mom know she’ll have to fund the rest!

I think that a person does have a right to live as they wish, including your brother. But their choices as to what that is reveal their character. A sibling who does not help with his aging parents or help you when asked is not a good person, imo. But there is nothing you can do about it as others have said. I had to get over a lot of anger at my brother as well. It is not healthy to feel that way. Discard that and find a real solution as others have mentioned. Good luck!

Just because you did not get the answer you are hoping for does not mean everyone here is mean. Many people have been in your shoes. Please listen to them.

You made a choice to help your parent. Your brother made a choice not to. Everyone has free will. Including your parent who is refusing out side help.

See this how it really is. Your anger is directed at your sibling. If you should be angry at anyone it should be your parent who refuses to have anyone but you do all the heavy lifting.

Going forward figure out what you can do and just do that. If it falls short of what your parent needs then it is up to them to find a way to cover that shortfall...either with hiring help or going to assisted living. There will be a point that you are unqualified to assist your parent with all their needs. There is no shame in that. Think that if your brother would just help out with an appointment or two everything will be ok is on the same line as bailing out a sinking ship with a dixie cup. There is also a point where your parent can't have things the way she wants them....is your life like that? No, then why do you think hers should be any different. It is only going to get harder and you need to think in the long term.

You may be exactly right that your brother is lazy. He gets to live his life the way he wants. The money your mother is giving him does need to stop immediately.

We all wish you the best and hope you find a solution that works for you.

I live down South now so my sister became POA for Dad when mom died a year ago. She has little help but when she gets hep, It is people who really do care. All you can do is see if you can gt help maybe even from Catholic Charities to come up a few days a week. Other than that, You are the angel in your parent's life. I hope they left you as Living Trust one day so the State doesn't Freeze Everything and your siblings won't Get Anything.

You expendd too much energy fighting other peoples wills and desires. Ignore your sibling. You dont have time for that nonsense.

I think she gets it now, that everyone here really is wanting to help her.

MMasonst, good luck with your Caregiving experience, everybody's is different and you just need to find one that works for you, without dealing with your brother, as clearly he is too selfish to participate, sadly! Don't waste your energy trying to figure him into the equation, it will only bring you pain and frustration!

Did anyone mention checking out your Counties AREA AGENCY ON AGING? Do look it up and see what programs might be available to help you with your folks. The will send out a Social Worker to evaluate your parents and see what specific help is available to them. They do great things!

MMasonst, nobody is blaming you. I have read all the posts. Who are you mad at? We are all just explaining our own situation. Who offended you?

MMasonst, I don’t think anyone here is trying to be hurtful only helpful. They are only speaking the truth. Nobody on here means any harm. I certainly didn’t mean any harm.

Am replying to my own message.

I should have shared this: My husband passed away two years ago. Between that and my parents hospitalizations, I've been in deep shock and not socializing.

I feel the grief over my late h has subsided and my parents are stabilized. I want to start dating again and being social with friends. I have asked my brother to watch my parents one night every weekend. He refuses even that.

I believe he's taking advantage of my situation to unburden himself of our parents. Also, I do realize he will never help. I'm very angry at him due to those factors. There's nothing I can do to make him as many have smartly said.

I will be reading around how others have dealt with a care giving gap. I will also make certain that POA and all other pertinent documents needed for care taking and end of life issues for my parents will be in my hands, not his.

I appreciate the answers. They help a lot!!

MMasonst, just do what you can do. Don’t expect any help from a sibling. My brother won’t help me either. I live 15 min away from my mother and he lives 6 hours away. He sees her once a year and that’s it. If she is competent and accepts help from home health aids then do it. If not, just limit your time helping her. You don’t need to do it all. You have a life too. Get help from a counselor for YOU. It will help put your life in perspective. I did and it helps!!!

Mason, a few of your initial responses were mater of fact, although Spot On, however I don't think that you were ready to receive them yet. Obviously you are an Amazing, Selfless, Loving Daughter, who can to this site, frustrated and looking for advice, just like everyone before you, you most definitely came to the right place, and once you learn to take emotions out of the way, you will find an incredible amount of help and camaraderie here, we are all in this together! Nobody, and I mean Nobody here makes Any money caring for our parents, it's definitely not a money maker, that's for sure!

This forum and the endless amount of help, understanding, and Education you will receive from the most Caring People in the world, you will find right here by pursuing this site and it will be an enormous help for you going forward if you give it a chance, I promise. You will find everything from humor (believe it, you will need it), to health, (Mental Health!!!), finances, legal, boredom, cooking and gardening, and most importantly a place to vent on the longstanding "Whine Thread", as That is the place to go to blow off steam about your deadbeat brother. Everybody here understands your plight, so, so many people have been there, it is a very familiar topic of discussion, so please do not think that we aren't on your side, as we most definitely are!

ALL of the posters here are Only here to help you, and for the most part that comes from many years of experience, and often from having made mistakes along the way, which they are trying to have you avoid, but you have to be open to the fact that you cannot do this job of caring for your parents long term without substantial help going forward, and the one certain thing in all of this is that their needs are only going to increase, and you will need more help!

You need more help, your brother isn't giving it to you, and that is unlikely to change, it is difficult to change someone's basic nature, and that is his, I'm sorry but you are going to have to work around that, and as suggested, you need to put him out of the equation, and just think of him as an occasional visitor, and not a reliable resource for helping you with your folks, it is what it is, and it will only bring you frustration and pain, and you need help now.

Make sure your parents legal ppwk is in order if it isn't already, DPOA, POA, Wills, Living Wills (sometimes called POLST or MOLT, you can get these from their Drs), and if it becomes nessasary for you, get/do a Caregiver Agreement if they are paying you Any money to care for them, yes it is done and the pay is terrible but sometimes nessasary to live, it is to protect them and you should they ever need Governmental Assistance such a Medicaid! The money grabbing from your Brother Must Stop Now, as it could put you folks unable to receive Government Assistance now and in the future (this is REAL and SERIOUS) .

Caregiving is the hardest job in the world, and the vast majority of us here do it out of Love and Commitment, but not everyone is made that way, plus as many here believe, Expecting your kids to take care of you is not fair to them, as it so often comes at a time when the kids are working their damndest to sock away for retirement, or are retired and expecting to sort of enjoy it, are still raising kids and putting them through college, and even having health issues of their own, but in some cases (like mine), it is/was kinda expected, my parents were immigrants and we were just raised that way through the generations, thankfully I am one of 6 and We All helped them and each other, so every family and situation is different.

Take Care, and read, read, read up on this subject and so many more threads here which will help you along your very own personal path of Caregiving! Do reply, and Ask tons of questions, we all learn from one another!

I'm just going to support what has been suggested in the responses:
- you can't control anyone but yourself, so give up on your brother as ever providing any help and don't hold it against him -- it's his right to choose how he lives.
- release yourself from the "old-world" notion of caring for aging relatives (I'm from an immigrant family so I get this). It's not about what parents expect, it's about what is best/realistic for everyone (this means you and brother).
- you said your mom has borderline personality disorder. Yes, boundaries -- and very strong and clear ones.
- make sure your parents have all their legal matters taken care of: making you durable PoA for each of them, creating a Medical Directive for each, signing HIPAA release so you can get/give critical medical info, Last Will & Testament, etc.

Also, your parents must be very careful about "gifting" money to your brother (or even to you). In the possible event they need to apply for Medicaid the govt has a 5-yr "look back" period and will take this gifting into consideration which may delay their qualification. From now on your need to do very careful record-keeping, for this reason. Wishing you strength and peace as you walk down this path!

MMasonSt, you have my sympathy. You are in a tough situation which is only going to get tougher. I understand your anger.

My husband and I walked that same road for years taking care of my in-laws. My BIL was useless. Even with six weeks of vacation from work each year, he couldn't/wouldn't be much help to his parents although he was happy to take help from them. Because we lived closer and I was a SAHM, 90% of their care was on me (my husband and his sister did the rest). I do believe that family takes care of family and wanted to be that example to my kids. Their needs started small but became very time consuming as the years passed.

Early on, we called for a family meeting to discuss his parent's needs. BIL said he would be there and then "forgot" to show up for it. When his dad was facing a surgery that he had a 50/50 chance of surviving, BIL told him that he wasn't going to be at the hospital because it was "just a bunch of sitting around waiting." Who thinks that way much less saying it out loud to a person who might die?

This is the same man who didn't visit his dad the week that he was in hospice (a 45 min drive). He didn't see his dad until he was unconscious and died a few hours later. It may make a small person, but I will admit that I think that was karma at work.

My MIL lived with us for two years. A year into it, BIL visited her and then proceeded to tell us how much care she needed (like he knew everything after spending a few hours with her). When my husband asked how BIL was going to help, he replied, "She lives with you, she's your responsibility." My husband called him an a##hole and kicked him out of the house.

All this to say, you are losing time and energy trying to change a brother who isn't going to help. I wasted that time and energy and am still dealing with the resentment. It doesn't go away easily. I wish I had found this forum earlier to hear of other's situations to understand that it's a lost cause to hope that this sibling will have a "change of heart."

We have very little contact with the BIL today. Only enough to be able to see his daughter. She turns 18 next year so the need for BIL will be gone then. It's doubtful that we will speak to him after she graduates HS.

As others have said, you may as well consider him MIA and make the necessary choices yourself (get the POA paperwork in order if needed - protect yourself!!). I understand that you are reluctant to look into outside help. I was also but that was a mistake on my part. There is nothing wrong with knowing that you can't do it all.

Looking back, I realize just how much caring for my in-laws impacted my family - good and bad. My kids saw us taking care of family and had so much time being treasured by their grandparents. They also lost a lot of their summer time being dragged around to take care of the grandparents. In hindsight, I should have told my in-laws "no" to their needs/requests more often so they would have widen their circle of support.

While I mostly lurk on this site, the people here are amazing with their wisdom and advice. No one replying to your letters is looking (or able) to make a buck. They honestly want to help in any way they can. It may not be the advice that you want to hear, but they have the experience to go with their words.

I hope the best for you and your parents. It may take a while but you are going to look back on this time in your life with pride and gratitude. The love, support, time and caring that you are giving your parents will come back to you.

Two twisted sissies that refused to help, one completely, the other a few hours a week. It was an imposition on them with their busy social and work lives. You cannot change your twisted bro so give it up, it only causes you additional stress. Find regular help so that you can get some respite, even if it is only a few hours a week.

You have an interesting take that the idea that you should hire caregivers or seek different living arrangements means we all shills for an agency/facility.

I've hung around this forum long enough to know two basic facts
1/ the level of care needed always increases, and
2/there is no way to force anyone else to step up and do more.

Your brother could be lazy, he might even be an evil selfish prick; the only hopeful possibility is if he is just totally clueless and needs a wake up call. In the mean time you are slowly being sucked into providing increasing levels of care and you've come here because that needs to stop. So, if he can't be made to step up and you or your parents are unwilling to consider hiring help or moving what other kind of magic solution do you expect from us?