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Anyone have advise on how to stop a sibling from telling terrible lies to a parent who suffers with dementia? Mostly concerned on the effect this has on my parent.
What sort of lies? Why would the sibling think it wise/amusing/a good idea to tell the parent lies - what is the sibling trying to achieve? What effect are these lies having on your father?
Sibling A doesn't like Sibling B. Sibling A's adult daughter is the primary care provider for the parent (parent living in her home). When Sibling B comes to town to visit parent the parent will say "everyone hates you", "Sibling A said you're here to try to take me away", "Sibling A says you're here for money". Ridiculous stuff like that. Sibling B is more concerned about the effects these lies have on the parent. And unfortunately when Sibling A is told that though these lies may seem funny/wise/amusing to themselves in reality they truly only hurting the parent.
Reply is "deal with it". Just wondering if there's any constructive way to deal with this behavior other than ignoring it.
And I don't know the total effect its having on the father other than being sad about the information. If Sibling B attempts to discredit a lie the parent is left confused as to which party to believe.
I’m wondering how you know this. Do you personally witness this? Or, does your father tell you? If your father is telling you, remember he had dementia and he might not be too trustworthy to repeat what he was told.
Sibling A doesn't like Sibling B. Sibling A's adult daughter is the primary care provider for the parent (parent living in her home). When Sibling B comes to town to visit parent the parent will say "everyone hates you", "Sibling A said you're here to try to take me away", "Sibling A says you're here for money". Ridiculous stuff like that. Sibling B is more concerned about the effects these lies have on the parent. And unfortunately when Sibling A is told that though these lies may seem funny/wise/amusing to themselves in reality they truly only hurting the parent.
Reply is "deal with it". Just wondering if there's any constructive way to deal with this behavior other than ignoring it.
If the parent has dementia, their statements may be based on fantasy. My mom can't remember anything that is said to her, not even 5 seconds after it is said to her. She says she sees "dad" outside her window (he died last year.) She concocts other fantastical statements. It's because her brain is damaged. She doesn't know any better. It will not change and we will not be able to "correct" her thinking, such as it is.
What does your niece have to say about this? She is your father's primary caregiver. Evidently she is fine with your visiting your father, no problem there, so we can assume that she at least is not determined to damage your relationship with him. She is also the person who is primarily responsible for his welfare, and if anything distresses him she could try to put a stop to it. How much influence does she have on her mother? And how does she feel about your visits? And how do you get on with her?
So. Your father lives with his granddaughter. Her mother lives nearby? - and visits him frequently? You live out of town and visit less frequently; and when you do visit you hear from him that upsetting and nasty remarks have been made about you, presumably as part of general comments about your impending visit.
Your father is sad about these remarks. There could be all sorts of reasons for that. He might, for example, be sad that his daughters don't get on and that one says spiteful things about the other. Do you think he even half believes what she says? If he really did believe that you were only there to lock him in a nursing home and steal his money, would he say so to you?
I don't think you'll get very far with trying to make your sister be less of a cow. Isn't it likely that she will respond with "I can say what I like to my own father" combined with "truth hurts, don't it!" and a range of other self-justifications which will only make things worse between you?
You can work on how you go about reassuring your father. It's the way in which you "discredit the lies." Look on it more as ignoring the lies and presenting him with the self-evident truth, which is that here you are, not taking him to the Nursing Home today anyway! And he's pleased to see you, isn't he? - so that's one person who doesn't hate you. And his money - you'll be happy to take it off his hands if he insists :) - but perhaps he'd better hang on to it for now.
And as soon as ever you can, steer the subject of conversation into pleasanter waters such as that you've come xxxx miles to see him and how much you've been looking forward to it and how happy you are to be with him.
By the way. Setting aside any conversations you're having with your father himself - do you, in fact, feel he would be better cared for in a memory care unit? Have you ever said so? Is that particular family discussion ongoing?
The sibling says these things to drive a wedge between you and your father. Then, her and her son will go into your parents house (with your fathers permission) and haul off 3 trailer loads of your parents belongings. That is her motivation. Dad wont remember any of it. It will destroy the loving relationship that you have always had with your parents because now dad asks about your sibling who has been a lifelong heroin addict and for the first time in your life, you really miss your dad. Your life will be destroyed when you are sued for financial elder abuse which will have a devastating affect on your emotional well-being, so much so that you spiraled into a deep depression. As a result your business fails because you are unable to work & you run through your SEPIRA to pay your attorney and to live on. You have lost everything & dads wallet is $50k lighter. It was the free senior centers lawyer who started it and without questioning me at all he wove this horrible tail of deceit the likes of which would never have even entered your mind. Then he passed my poor dad over to his son, an attorney for hire to sue me and take dad for $50k. Dad doesn’t remember that either:(
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
What sort of lies?
Why would the sibling think it wise/amusing/a good idea to tell the parent lies - what is the sibling trying to achieve?
What effect are these lies having on your father?
And unfortunately when Sibling A is told that though these lies may seem funny/wise/amusing to themselves in reality they truly only hurting the parent.
Reply is "deal with it". Just wondering if there's any constructive way to deal with this behavior other than ignoring it.
And I don't know the total effect its having on the father other than being sad about the information. If Sibling B attempts to discredit a lie the parent is left confused as to which party to believe.
And unfortunately when Sibling A is told that though these lies may seem funny/wise/amusing to themselves in reality they truly only hurting the parent.
Reply is "deal with it". Just wondering if there's any constructive way to deal with this behavior other than ignoring it.
So. Your father lives with his granddaughter. Her mother lives nearby? - and visits him frequently? You live out of town and visit less frequently; and when you do visit you hear from him that upsetting and nasty remarks have been made about you, presumably as part of general comments about your impending visit.
Your father is sad about these remarks. There could be all sorts of reasons for that. He might, for example, be sad that his daughters don't get on and that one says spiteful things about the other. Do you think he even half believes what she says? If he really did believe that you were only there to lock him in a nursing home and steal his money, would he say so to you?
I don't think you'll get very far with trying to make your sister be less of a cow. Isn't it likely that she will respond with "I can say what I like to my own father" combined with "truth hurts, don't it!" and a range of other self-justifications which will only make things worse between you?
You can work on how you go about reassuring your father. It's the way in which you "discredit the lies." Look on it more as ignoring the lies and presenting him with the self-evident truth, which is that here you are, not taking him to the Nursing Home today anyway! And he's pleased to see you, isn't he? - so that's one person who doesn't hate you. And his money - you'll be happy to take it off his hands if he insists :) - but perhaps he'd better hang on to it for now.
And as soon as ever you can, steer the subject of conversation into pleasanter waters such as that you've come xxxx miles to see him and how much you've been looking forward to it and how happy you are to be with him.
By the way. Setting aside any conversations you're having with your father himself - do you, in fact, feel he would be better cared for in a memory care unit? Have you ever said so? Is that particular family discussion ongoing?
It will destroy the loving relationship that you have always had with your parents because now dad asks about your sibling who has been a lifelong heroin addict and for the first time in your life, you really miss your dad.
Your life will be destroyed when you are sued for financial elder abuse which will have a devastating affect on your emotional well-being, so much so that you spiraled into a deep depression. As a result your business fails because you are unable to work & you run through your SEPIRA to pay your attorney and to live on.
You have lost everything & dads wallet is $50k lighter.
It was the free senior centers lawyer who started it and without questioning me at all he wove this horrible tail of deceit the likes of which would never have even entered your mind. Then he passed my poor dad over to his son, an attorney for hire to sue me and take dad for $50k. Dad doesn’t remember that either:(