Sister refuses to place Mom in a home. Mom is 100 yo and lives by herself. What do we do?

Litigation will not work, will cause more dissention and will be enormously costly. If your Sister is the POA or Guardian for her Mom, as well as caring for her in the home, there would be no way to convince a court she cannot do this; a huge fight could result in the state taking guardianship, which would lead to no one having any say about Mom's placement or her finances.
I think, until your sister is willing to put Mom in care there is little that you can do. She knows the choices. Continue in caring or stop.The family is killing themselves in enabling this situation by being there for her.
A poster recently told us that being a caregiver can kill you, and told us of her own illness and its costs. This isn't unusual.
I am so very very sorry. You simply cannot change the choices of other people. Constantly fighting her pushes her into her corner. Next time she tells you "I cannot do this anymore" tell her that when she is ready to consider change you will all call the family together to hash out what the options are. You must feel utterly helpless, but trust me, sinking 1,000s of dollars and escalating this situation is unlikely to help.

Tell your sister in a non threatening manner first that you think mom needs a social worker to help out. Hopefully she'll be agreeable, but even if not, your next step is to contact APS and report a vulnerable adult.

Most of the things you are concerned about were be very much the same if your mother was in an assisted living or nursing home situation. You don't mention any actual unsafe situations, only things that many people are dealing with due to Covid. In my father's assisted living they have had only a limited period where the communal dining room was open and being used. Most of the time since mid-February meals have been delivered to resident's rooms and they eat alone. If a resident leaves the facility for any reason, including medical appointments, they must quarantine (not leave the room, special precautions by staff, etc) for two full weeks. Now, it is a more supervised environment so your mom wouldn't be able to flood the place but it actually seems that aside from that incident not much would be improved by trying to wrestle your mother into a nursing home. Your sister needs to be more specific as to what "she can't do this anymore" actually means and give specific ideas on what help she needs. Then you can work to figure out how to provide her that help but I don't think that your can litigate your way to a different situation.

We've had the family meetings. A sister in law has done a spread sheet a couple of years ago. Nothing ever comes of it. Thank you for the responses. Mom will either fall then be placed or God will take her in her sleep.

So, no one can force a POA / Executor to do anything?

The younger siblings are mentioning, have a sense of dementia / extra forgetting of details in the Executor...(perhaps it's stress...) which is why I am wanting someone, who is not this Sister to be appointed as executor/ POA.

Yes, powerless, helpless and the two younger siblings are angry and exhausted. I suggested to the two couples who live near her to move in with her. Mom has a large home with 5 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. I was shot down like a skeet shooter, are most of my ideas. I can't even upgrade her toilet to comfort height or place safety rails in the bathroom. This is a very unsafe situation.

I would just call Adult Protective Services and let them do their job.

Mom needs multiple caregivers, and sister is at age (80) where she may need a caregiver herself. And sister says she can't do it anymore. And mom's actions caused significant damage to her home which insurance reimbursed only a tiny fraction. Which means there may be mold and flood damage that is unmitigated. That would prevent sale of a home.

And mom is out of money?

Does the 80 year old sister or other younger relatives, who are also caring for mother (and are exhausted and unpaid) have money to pay for mom's care in AL or nursing home out of their own funds? Details on the financial picture are missing, but what would be the likely outcome of "litigation?" Mother needs institutional care of some type and she can't pay for it apparently.

One of the siblings should contact a senior care manager for a discussion on what is next step.

If sister says she can't do it anymore, then explain that the alternative is placement. Please make it very clear that you are not going to take on the burden. Also, that it is time, for safety reasons, to find placement. Simply, the time has come (long since) to deal with this living arrangement rationally and to make the necessary changes.

The Covid restrictions must have made this situation so much harder. I think many that would have called time on unsustainable situations have been forced to just cary on.

Unfortunately this family seem to have paddled their canoe up the creek. They are now calling out for help, but still paddling in the same direction. OP is not on the boat & cannot steer. In fact, they ignored all directions the OP gave.

The main caregiver sister will need to put down her oars. Get some sort of emergency respite care for Mother while she figures it out.

One temporary pathway I see is if Sister or Mother falls or is ill in any way, the other family members call EMS - instead of rushing over to pick up those oars.

Listen siblings: one person cannot do it all!! Get your backsides there & help the one who got stuck with this awful burden! I speak from experience: ALL of a parent’s children need to pitch in.

Call Adult Protective Services.

If Mom is out of money, what litigation is going to force your sister to place her and pay for it?

Give your sister a break, for heaven's sake. With all that on her plate can you seriously blame her for finding it hard to think straight?

So, your sister has stated that she can't do this any more. What would your sister like to happen next? Is anybody in touch with your mother's local social services, including but not limited to Area Agency on Aging or, if necessary, APS?

So what are you doing to help your poor sister except thinking of litigating from afar ....
use that money and time to give your sister a break !!!

I agree with Countrymouse and I was going through what you are going through. At least you are seeing and accepting that mom & your sister need help, my brother did no. Look for places such as Elder Options, if military family check out your local Veterans Administration, they can give you a caregiver to help out. Won't be much but it did help.
First thing that I would do is to go to your Hospice center and ask about In Home Hospital where they come right to your house.
Look into getting a social worker ask her doctor or hospital. You can also look into Department of Family Services tell them your situation so they can give you some resource information.
I just wet through a very similar situation.
Her sister should not be taking care of her with all the problems she has that is room for a trrain wreck waiting to happen and you don't need Elder abuse to come in and possibly split up the family.
Definitely, look into In Home Hospice, if she has insurance ask them how what help is covered, you maybe surprised. If you don't have Power of Attorney, Living will a living surrogate, Do Not resesitste or whatever her wishes are you should look into getting them for everyone's protection. If she has an estate get someone to be the Executor of the Estate. That sb a priority so there's no room for who gets what.
All of this is of my own opinion & experience as I took care of my Dad for about 10 years and my mom for bout 5 years.
I hope this helps. I would love to know the outcome.
May peace be with you. Take a breath of fresh air.

What do you do to help?

I was sole caregiver with two twisted sisters within ten miles. All they did was criticize and call APS to accuse me of financial exploitation. That failed of course.

Step into her shoes for a week, give her a break, then live her life for thst week and figure out what you can do to make her life easier.

Sister lives with mother in mother’s house, together with sister’s husband with Parkinsons and eldest son (aged 50+?) with autism. Is that right? If mother’s house is sold to pay for placement, does sister and family have anywhere to go? Could that be why she is so resistant? If mother has no cash, would Medicaid evict sister who has been caring for so long? If not, does sister know that her home is safe? Lack of information could be underneath some of this.

Google " nursing homes in my area that take Medicaid". Research each one and see who has the best family reviews. Call and talk to the Director of the one u think is the best and ask for a tour. Ask to speak to the social worker there and ask her to start Medicaid application for you. She will meet with you and help u fill out. Talk to the nurses there and get a feel of the place. Ask for a Family's phone number who has a loved one there so u can verify the care there. Good luck.

Get in touch with an elder attorney asap and explain everything happening. I am sure you can get guardianship and then find a place for your mother.  just because of covid doesn't mean a place won't take her.  she will just be kept separate for 2 weeks and if all is okay she will then be placed in with the regular residents.  This is "elder abuse" in my personal opinion.  She can go on Medicaid if no money left.  wishing you luck but something needs to be done asap.

Is there a reason you can't visit there yourself to assess the situation and to sit down with your poor sister. Caring for someone with Parkinson's is a load in itself and caring for a grown man with autism is another job. Plus she's caring for your mom. It's way too much for one person. Your sister may not be forthcoming with details because she is so overburdened that she can't even express what's wrong. What may seem pleasantly demented to you is an incredible burden to the person who is responsible for caring for her. Get there and lend a hand.

Can you and siblings pitch in with money for home health care?

To answer a ? from up the line--No, you cannot force the POA to do anything, and being executor has zero 'value' until after the death of the LO. My mother is set up with one brother being the POA and one is executor. The executor does nothing, as mother is still living. POA brother won't take help, so he has chosen for himself all the drama surrounding mother--and he regrets every second of signing himself up for this--and for refusing help in any form (well, he will take money). You cannot force people to 'do the right thing'. Take a deep breath before you call APS--that may just add another layer of stress. It can also result in worsened family dynamic.

Just began noticing that those of us who had 'young parents'---we're in our late 60's and 70's and older and caring for parents who think we're still 30 and energetic and able to do everything. Shoot, an 80 yo caring for a 100 yo..it boggles the mind.

Ask the sister what she wants others to do. If her response is specific, can any of you do as she asks (give money to pay for whatever it is, etc). If you can't, perhaps go over the current situation and what any options are that you can think of - make a list.

The house, as I see it, is a real problem $30K in damages and only got $4. Why is that? Maybe someone, other than sister, needs to fight with the insurance company. Otherwise, who is going to pay the difference to do the house repairs? Also, house repairs take time. Where is mom going to stay while all this remodeling is going on?

Does sister live with mom and has no where else to go so maybe she's wanting house repairs done to be able to live there? That may have something to do with her panic. Evaluate the house and discuss with her. If all the kids paid for the repairs on the house, how much would the house be worth. How much could it be sold for as is. Compare the two. Technically, the house is mom's asset and should be used for her own care before it is viewed as inheritance. However, be kind in considering sister if she has been doing the bulk of the work for mom trying to keep her in her own home all these years. Maybe a compromise. Help her get into other housing. Don't rush to litigation - that would be as cold to the sister as the word sounds. Rush to compromise, help her resolve it, be compassionate with her.

Other siblings who haven't been paid? Were they being paid caregivers to mom or do you mean they have no income from regular job because of covid? You indicate litigation to pay caregivers, so sounds like your talking about paying the siblings. Forget that - they need to write it off as caring for mom. If she's out of money, you're going to be applying for a Medicaid bed (with some or all of bed paid for by the state). Unless you had employment contracts written up for the caregivers, Medicaid may very well look at it as gifting and create penalty period for mom.

Is mom totally out of money - as in, all the savings is gone. Just her social security and/or retirement coming in monthly now? If mom is really out of money, where do you think litigation is going to come up with money to pay any caregivers? She either has some money or she doesn't.

Take your queue from sister - if she says she can't physically do the job anymore - then go with that. We understand, we don't know how you did it this long, let's look at some facilities that may be able to care for mom. You appreciate all she did as long as she did it. You do need more time and energy to use for your own family. Pleasantly demented indicates she may be happy in any surroundings.

It seems like it is time to sell Moms house, AS IS, and use the money for a NH or assisted living, with the provision that you can find a facility which has Medicaid beds will move her to one when her money runs out. 

Can you visit Sister and talk this over in person?  There may be no need to use  a lawyer.

If mom has no money, you cannot force sister to pay.

There is no such thing as pleasantly demented.  Please.   Not to the primary caregiver.   At BEST, your mom has a pleasant personality, but still needs a lot of help.

Sometimes one (or more) siblings want to avoid selling the house as they want to preserve their inheritance.   That is not always possible.

you should be offering to help her, my goodness, your sister carries the entire responsibility in caring for her at 80 yrs old herself, and her son is autistic and her spouse has Parkinson’s and instead of showing her a lot of gratitude and helping her, you want to file litigation? This is one of the saddest things I’ve ever read here. At her advanced age of 100 yrs old according to your own statement she has meals provided, and is somewhat frail and mild dementia— at 100 would you expect her to be in the health she was at 40 or even 70?
yet after explaining how she does everything on her own at her advanced age of 80 -plus caring for her son and spouse and knowing that, as one of the siblings this is what you think would be a good idea instead of showing her a lot of kindness, gratitude support and practical help? Speechless

Seems mom needs more help. Enlist friends, family, members of faith community, and paid help to get her the assistance she needs. FYI- home health care in her home is less expensive than a nursing home. If mom is truly out of money, then needs help applying for Medicaid and they can also assist with resources for mom's needs.

I am surprised some are feigning shock at the OP here. Her sister is in over her head, can’t properly take care of mom and refusing to let her be placed in a NH. Why should the OP, who is elderly herself, travel 4 hours and become caregiver? Why isn’t anyone questioning the 80 year old sister here? Did you all miss this important sentence “The younger siblings who also take care of Mom haven't been paid, have more responsibilities and are exhausted.” Mom has multiple children attempting to take care of her. The 80 year old sister isn’t moms sole caregiver. It honestly sounds like mom needs more care than her kids are able to collectively provide. And the 80 year old sister isn’t putting moms best interests first. Maybe we should be questioning her cognitive function?

It sounds like irrational behavior, lack of assuming responsibility and lack of planning abounds.
If your sister is 80, how old are you? It sounds like a grand child needs to step in. Someone that is still young enough and has enough, time, stamina and common sense to sort thru all the issues:
Your Mom is 100, frail, needs better care
She is out of money
A home that needs something done with it.

I assume the sister has guardianship and power of attorney?

You say you want to bring litigation to cure these problems, so you must have some money. I suggest getting a firm agreement with the right people in the family as to a plan of action to cure these ills and use the money you want to spend on attorneys to help fund this action plan.

Also before you spend money on an attorney I suggest you reach out to your county Senior support organization and get a counseler that can help you sort thru the issues and find out what local resources are available to help.

These things can get very emotionally charged. To sort thru the issues and get to happy resolution it is going to require someone to step up and take the high road. Keep communication clear and civil, keep people accountable to whatever commitments are made.

ANOTHER daily reminder on this board we are all living far, far longer than we ever dreamed of. It is critical we ALL plan out our future to prevent us from ending up in these kind of situations and creating an unfair and possibly financially and emotional damaging situation for our children

My family went through something very similar, so I really understand your situation. Let's look at your sister's situation.

1. Your bother-in-law has Parkinson's disease. A LO with Parkinson's requires a lot of care, especially if the LO is elderly.
2. Your nephew has Autism. I don't know where on the spectrum he is, but even a high-functioning Autistic needs considerable support.
3. Your mother is 100yo, which means she needs considerable support. She is unable to prepare her own meals, has dementia and some incontinence. Does anyone know why your mother have incontinence? Is the incontinence neurological, UTI, Kidney disease, constipation or dementia related?
4. Your sister tells you your mother is of money and younger siblings are not being paid for caregiving. Is your sister power of attorney or trustee? Is she responsible for your mother's affairs?
5. Your sister is 80yo. Thirty-five percent of seniors are diagnosed with dementia by 80 and the average age for move in to a senior care place is age 80. This means that your sister is the age when many seniors start needing help with their own affairs.

This all adds up to someone who is completely overwhelmed by her responsibilities and is worn out. Not burnt-out, worn out. Burnt out means a person can bring their life into balance by changing their priorities and eliminating some obligations. Worn out means the person feels so overwhelmed by responsibilities they shut down and are unable to take on anymore tasks or communicate effectively. Moving your mother out of her home is a giant task and extremely emotional for all parties. Figuring out you mother's finances is a giant task and extremely emotional. Both situations have a high likelihood of causing deep rifts in families and causing extremely expensive litigation.

This is where you and your siblings come into play. Your sister has asked for help, but she is only specific enough to say "she needs help" and "she can't do it anymore." This is a desperate cry for help. Let me repeat, this is a desperate cry for help. Be the loving and supportive family members that you and your siblings are and help your sister. By doing so, you will be helping your mother more than you realize.

First thing, stop the idea of using a lawyer. The lawyer is the only person who will benefit from this situation. Second, stop looking for what your sister is doing wrong and look for what she is doing right. Third, put yourself in her shoes and imagine what your life would be like with a husband with Parkinson's, and Autistic adult son, having the energy and faculties of an 80yo, running your own household, taking care of your mother, running your mother's household, and being legally and financially responsible for you husband, mother, possibly your son and yourself? The best way you can understand this is to visit your sister and see how she approaches things, how she has organized things and ask questions for information. Step away from being prosecution, judge and jury and view things from the defendant's perspective. Your sister needs love and support and your trust and the trust of your siblings. When she has your trust she will be much more forthcoming and will be better able to communicate her needs and desires and what she perceives to be your mother's needs and desires. When she trusts you, she will be able to discuss options for your mother. She knows that your mother needs help and she knows that she can't do it all, but she feels she is under attack by her family and has gone into defensive mode. She IS under attack. That you would threaten to seek legal recourse is a brutal attack on your sister.

The Alzheimer's Association reports that family caregivers of people with dementia have a greater than 50% chance of developing depression. Your sister is dealing with Parkinson's, Autism AND Dementia. I hope your sister has a supportive network because she really needs as much support as she can get.

Sounds ergent, for your mom , take control of it all before something happens that can't be good take charge no matter what anyone else wants who's doing nothing. Cantact a family law attorney for advice.................

Mom and her adult children can not avoid aging losses -inability to think or do as normal for earlier years in life. Maybe you can first stop beating yourself up so you can think about the next step you need to initiate - especially if sister is not willing to flex in her position.
Since Mom needs extensive help and siblings are unable to come to any agreement, APS and Medicaid need to know Mom is refusing to move and family can not care for her. Letting APS begin the process will probably get her into the system sooner than if you and siblings tried on your own. Given Covid has slowed the medical and government offices, it may be best to start this process sooner rather than later.
If mom really had the money to pay for personal home care, repair the home damages, and handle other issues, someone among the aging siblings would have figured this out by now. Sounds like siblings know it's not doable but can not agree she is at the end of life and just needs extra help that family can provide. Sometimes siblings have difficulty letting go and accepting aging parents as a normal part of life.
I'm under the impression your mom did not communicate much about her future needs when she was capable of doing so.

Sarah3, you have made 6 posts in the last 7 hours, all saying the same thing - that you think OP is being mean and should provide hands-on care. No detail. We can see this is what you think, and repeating it over and over again it is unhelpful. You remind me very much of Hailybug, who wrote to me “as long as I know the truth, I can't help what other people think”. Any relation?