My 84 yo mother with dementia has always had a "poor pitiful me" attitude, she's always been very jealous (accused my father about 2x a week of being with a different woman which was never true), likes to guilt me, needed and still needs constant attention, wants me to want her like I owe her and my father has played into it their whole 50 years of marriage. So now we pay.
She babbles mostly but the sentences, "you all hate me don't you", "you want to kill me don't you", "I hope you get hit by a car", "I want you to die", is distinctly followed by, "I have nothing, no money (she's got plenty) no shoes (we hid them so she can't escape to the road), no home (same home for almost 10 years), no food" (home cooked meal in front of her 3 times a day). It's a constant pity party, followed by wailing and tears when you don't respond with "oh my gawd you're right we are just miserable failures, you deserve so much better!!!" Then when that doesn't happen she will throw her hands up and yell I guess I'll just leave then and go back and forth to the yard gate to yank on the lock for hours on end. I don't understand how she even knows it's there.
She will then convince herself that she was beaten up, shuffle to her room lay on the floor and call for help. I mean, we've got cameras I just watched you lay down in there. The constant pacing and trying to escape is relentless. The ridiculous need to guilt us, the demand for immediate and constant singular attention is unbearable. I have NO sympathy for it because it's been that way my whole life. She had my dad, myself and my kids convinced my ENTIRE life, (I'm 47) that her mother had beaten and abused her horribly everyday for years and that she barely escaped. My aunt (her sister 1 year younger) was floored last year when I brought it up, their mother wasn't even a spanker, ever.
So what do we do now.
All the articles want you or someone to spend 24/7 with them, stroke them lovingly (I can't, it's not in my nature with her) amuse them (her attention span except for leaving is about 10 seconds) or feed them (she's just going to play in it then throw it on the floor).
So now what?
We have caregivers who she tries to hit, demean and bully.
Can't afford a memory care and even if we could my dad won't put her there.
Do we just resign ourselves to the fact that she and him and us are just going to be in this detestable loop until they die?
Is she sick or just being herself? Does dementia destroy who they are or reveal it?
I'm at a loss.
That's not to say it was something she could control once she was in the throes of dementia, and I'm sure your mother's magnified issues are out of her control as well. She's clearly had some pretty significant mental issues all her life, so when the brain is dying, it's bound to get worse.
I suggest she be taken to her doctor and given a prescription for anti-anxiety drugs. Write to the doctor several days in advance of the appointment spelling out the details of her anxiety, and be sure to allow him time to read the email before he meets with Mom.
I always did that with my mother's doctor, so she'd know what we were coming in for, and I often sat behind her with a notepad and would hold up the pad with a question behind my mom's head if something came up during the appointment, namely, Mom minimizing the problems. If we brought up an issue, Mom would get furious, but if the doctor brought it up (prompted by me waving a pad behind Mom's head), Mom would behave better and answer the questions more honestly.
Its quite interesting because what you describe is what we used to do with her doctor unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you see it we are way past having to hide anything from the doctor my mom's memory is about 10 seconds and she can't remember the question long enough to answer nor the answers we give. She is on anti anxiety and depression medication along with the mamentine and Q-fumirate. Do have any suggestions for any kind of alternative therap or additional medications possibly that you tried with your mom?
Again thank you
Yes, if they insist on her not going into a home, you should leave them to their own devices, and interact with them as rarely as possible. Eventually, a health emergency will force the situation; until then, step way, WAY back and wait for the inevitable.
Interact with toxic individuals as little as possible.
Im trying to figure out if there's some middle ground between abandonment which isnt ever going to be a thing and being ready to throw myself in traffic. I'm hoping there is some medication, some alternative therapy, a special lighting .... I don't know, anything we haven't thought of her doctor hasn't told us about. If you've got suggestions I'm all ears.
Thanks for your response.
(If yes, consider joining a support group for dementia for tips, tricks & support).
Do you live with your parents & if so, is this by mutual arrangment?
Is this working?
Do you work outside the home?
If you answer No to any of these.. ???
Are there things you need to change?
No I don't want to. But what does want have to do with anything right? We do what we must.
I am part of several groups.
They live next door on our property.
It is mutual as I'm an only child and they don't drive, cook, shop, know how to make phone calls, handle any finances, know how to do there medications.... basically they can put food in their own mouths as long as its on the table in front of them and go to the bathroom, they are helpless in almost every way.
Yes it's working, no one has died, the bar for the definition of working is extremely low unfortunately.
Doctors are fully, involved, she is very medicated.... but they have no advice except to make her happy and comfortable which is impossible,
Where we live there is no adult day care.
I do work and homeschool my kids.
Thanks for asking these questions.
Sorry, many more questions coming at ya! Answer if you want - not my biz, just things to think on maybe?
Being a caregiver:
"No I don't want to. But what does want have to do with anything right? We do what we must."
Q Do you feel trapped? Do you feel that YOU are the only one who can offer this care?
No adult day care.. but is there a care agency? To employ an aide for extra help for you? Eg 4 hour shift 2-3 x a week?
*Update: just saw you already have caregivers coming in. (But they are struggling with dementia behaviours).
"Yes it's working, no one has died, the bar for the definition of working is extremely low unfortunately."
Q. Is it working for YOU? Working for your partner/children?
You work AND home-school AND caregive. Presumably also cook, clean, chores +++
Now lovely SuperLady (or Superman 😜) do you plan to continue this *forever*? Until someone dies? Or is hauled away for a medical emergency? Or is this 'aging in place' plan for *as long as possible*?
What will *no longer possible* look like?
Wandering?
Incontinence?
Bed-bound?
24/7 care required?