NeedHelpWithMom Asked July 2021
Some people have disputes about disagreements concerning POA decisions. They explain that two people in their family share POA. Thoughts?
Follow
Share
Some posters say appointing more than one person as POA is a mistake, because it creates conflict among siblings that share the POA. In your opinion, why do some parents appoint more than one person and do you think it’s asking for trouble? Is it ever appropriate?
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
45 Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- What can I do? No money and my dad was not fit when he signed POA to my brother.
- Can a POA prevent a daughter from seeing her dying mother?
- Mom called the police on me and stopped speaking to me. What should my next steps be?
- I currently have POA for my sister and have gotten her out of debt and solvent. She now wants to manage her finances herself. What do I do?
Ask a Question
My hubs and his brother (2 out of 3 bros) were made PoA for my MIL. They were the only 2 local to her. It has never been a problem because they discuss everything very diplomatically, honestly, timely and thoroughly AND there's no power struggle over real or perceived money or inheritances (because there is none), no control issues. Their mom was a sweet, loving person (who chose a jerk for a 2nd husband). They had a healthy understanding of the role of PoA from the start.
I have 3 sons. Right now the youngest is only 22 and is not a PoA and we explained to him why and he accepts this. But this may change as he gets older an he also knows this. Our PoA arrangement will be reviewed every few years to adjust for changes in willingness, maturity, location, wisdom, etc. And we make sure to have very thorough conversations with our sons about the role and our expectations. Still, this is no guarantee that things won't go sideways, but all we can do is what we've done.
I think the "trouble" that happens comes from power and money struggles, lack of understanding of the role of PoA, immaturity/insecurities, complicated family history, mistrust, wrong motives, petty jealousy, stress, burden, etc. It's a shame that it happens but people are complicated beings and many people can barely manage their own lives well, no less someone else's.
And I doubt most people around here have ever even heard of a "springing" POA, I was able to lend a hand to mom with her business dealings decades before she became incapacitated. As far as I know that is something that you would have to specifically request from your lawyer, and if you were that distrustful of the person(s) you are appointing I have to wonder why you are choosing them at all.
Ahhh, okay. So, two are listed in case one person wouldn’t be available. That makes sense.
No, I hadn’t heard the term ‘springing.’
Thanks for info.
My daughters do get along but the youngest one moved several states away. I hope that wouldn’t become an issue.
Families don’t always stay living in the same area anymore. My daughter absolutely loves Denver. I don’t see her coming back to Louisiana. She has a great job there and she likes the change of seasons.
I have an immediate financial for nephew because he can't handle money. But his Medical is Springing. Only can use when he is not able to make decisions.
I am going to have mine done and will ask the Lawyer what he thinks is best. My daughters both live in the same town. I think they could work together but one is stronger in the finance end the other, RN, is stronger in the medical end.
If people only knew. It's no great honor to have someone's POA and have to make their decisions. I wish I never had it for my father because I was the one responsible for cleaning up the mess and I'm still cleaning it and he's been dead for almost three years.
I don't think it's a good idea to have more than one person as POA or conservator. Two or more people can't agree on the weather or will argue over what toppings to order on a pizza.
Imagine what it's like when property has to be liquidated into cash assets and bank accounts spent down because someone needs placement in a care facility. More than one person can't decide. Taking care of all the bill paying and doing things like cancelling credit cards and closing bank accounts for a person would be an absolute nightmare if two or more people had to legally sign off on it getting done. It's hard enough to get cooperation from a bank or credit card company when one person is trying to. More than one, it will never get done.
My fear was DD1 trying to take control. She still may, but actually I hope the three of them can work together very closely and collaboratively.
My mom's POA did the same and knew there would be a problem. She based her decision on who was most active and present in her life. That was TS2, at that time. Mom did not want TS2 anywhere near decision making knowing what would happen. So the documents stated TS2, me then TS1. What mom did not realize was how manipulative and vindictive and narcissistic TS1 can be. And never thought how TS1 could influence TS2. What a nightmare that was! And how easily influenced TS2 is by TS1. She always just wanted everyone to get along. And did not want to become a target of TS2. Well, mom that did not work at all, did it.
And TS2 did not want to become a target of ts1.
Mom had asked auntie dearest to do it, knowing...... But AD had responsibility for grandma and did not want another.
Now is that all clear as mud?
I'm the MPOA, and am glad not to have to hassle with her taxes, etc. For signing her into the AL---it would have been easier to have it 'all-in=one'', but since the internet allowed us to easily share and sign documents it wasn't too bad. The POA wannts nothing to do with managing the day to day care.
Putting an "and" between POA names is another way to have multiple POAs, which might be okay or even good if you have complete confidence that each POA agent will always work well with the other agent(s), but you don't have complete confidence that each POA agent always has steady judgment, e.g. when facing a crisis or just making hard decisions. Obviously, appointing multiple POA agents with "and" between their names has the potential to create unnecessary headaches for decisions to be made or even for paying bills and managing accounts, so you might want to think about what could go wrong before doing it that way.
Based on what you've posted, it looks like you have two daughters with whom you are confidant to act in your best interest if you name either or both of them as your POA(s). I suggest talking to them (maybe a conference call) to discuss this topic. Also, on www.agingcare.com website there's a section on Elder Law with several articles on POA that you and your daughters might find helpful.
FYI, when my youngest daughter with Down's Syndrome became an adult, my wife and I decided to have our two older daughters, as well as both of us, named as her co-guardians. As such, any one of us can act on behalf of our youngest daughter regarding any issue, e.g. medical, financial, or whatever. This works well for us and if anything happens to any (but not all) of us, our youngest daughter will seamlessly still have a guardian.
My friend’s sister with Downs is a miracle. The doctor didn’t expect her to live as long as she has. She is 51 years old now. She was extremely high functioning and a joyful person before developing dementia, She lost most of her verbal skills. She doesn’t walk anymore. She is in a wheelchair. At one time, she stopped eating. She is eating again.
My friend does have help with her care. She looks at my friend as her second mom because she was always the closest to her. Her mom used to volunteer at her daughter’s special needs school. My friend and her mom volunteered during the summertime, they would take the children on wonderful trips, Dollywood and Disney World, etc. My friend has terrific memories of those trips. They chartered a bus and took a fabulous trip every year.
We made the difficult decision together to stop my mom's remaining medications last week, but I talked it over with him before giving the order. If he'd have had any concerns, we'd have worked it out together first.
The "one person in charge" system works well for us, because my folks had a few issues with my brother's way of handling money, plus I have the time while he's still working full-time. Most important, though, is that it prevents any conflicts with the medical or financial people we deal with. It's very clear who's in charge and makes the decisions, and that prevents issues with one POA telling them something, and the other telling them something else.
A POA is ONE job that can be held by more than one person, not multiple jobs held by multiple people who all get to put in their two cents' worth. It's just easier to name one person.
I think if he had POA we would all be thrown out into elderly housing or something. He advised not too long ago that mom and I should sell the house and move to elderly housing. I told him no way, mom wil stay right in her own home. I think he was thinking about his inheritance, but you what there really won't be much of an inheritance. I am spending it all on my mother.
If the POA is written that both have to agree, it can lead to delays in decision making. Or hang things up for a very long time.
My folks' attorney said that this is not the time to worry about hurt feelings but to choose someone who they felt would best handle the responsibility. I'm not the oldest, but my parents believed I would do the job better than my brother, mostly because I have more time than he does.
My in-laws chose their eldest child, my sister-in-law, who was the absolute worst of their seven kids to pick. She's a dingbat with no concept of how to handle money and thinks holistic medicine and eating weeds and bushes is the way to good health. (She's had cancer and Lyme disease in spite of that lifestyle, but OK. Her cancer spread because she didn't go to a doctor for a year, so I guess the herbs and incense didn't work so well after all.)
Fortunately, my MIL is completely able to handle her own affairs for now. Her youngest son lives with her and keeps an eye on everything for her, but I sure hope she changed her POA and named him instead.
A power of attorney is not akin to giving your kids the farm or a piece of jewelry. It's a job with significant responsibility and should be granted to the person most qualified to handle that responsibility. Sometimes it shouldn't even be a family member.
Maybe my situation was different. My mother gave POA to older brother who contributed nothing as far as helping. He had both medical & unlimited financial DPOA.
This power went to his head & he told me “I have POA…..I have control!” He thought this gave him the right to control how & when others would help my mom.
It turned him into a controlling, greedy & spiteful person when we we once very close. He controlled who she saw & spoke to for the last 4 years of her life.
No one wants to deal with a control freak. Relationships with siblings can become destroyed in certain situations. Sometimes they work out in the end, but not always. Sometimes, it remains complicated.
My husband's mother had middle son as POA - and this was to my knowledge fine with the other two - I know it was with my husband. When it came to major decision - middle son didn't just make the decision - both brothers and wives were included to provide opinions. It worked well for their mother.
Naming my brother and I as co-POAs would never have worked for several reasons - lets just leave it at that. I make a point to keep bro in the loop of changes in our parents/now mom's lifel
If co-POAs are named, I believe the parents need to know if their children can work out differences and work cooperatively. If they know their children don't work well together then they need to choose who they trust to follow their wishes - or the spirit of their wishes. If they put oil and water together hoping to get them to work together, then they are courting disaster.
These are legal documents and these decision need to be made without emotion (or with as little emotion as possible). Parents should know the strength of their children and who would be best suited to which duties. If one of none of the children are capable of the duties of POA then the parents should look elsewhere.
Being POA is not to be used as power over others in the family. In my case the POA was activated when they signed the document - it didn't mean I had power over my parents or that I could make any decision I wanted - my parents, as long as competent, could revoke and reissue POAs. While competent they can make their own decisions which could go against what I decided (one reason I discuss decisions with mom). As POA there is a fiduciary duty to the principal.
I don't know if this helps or not.
https://www.medicaidplanningassistance.org/power-of-attorney/
It gives an explanation for the varied POA's, includes Springing POA.
How they got POA is he was in the hospital for appendix they decided he needed it so they got the paperwork notarized by a notary without him being there, the notary was not present to see him sign it and the witnesses didn't see him sign the document. Is the document legal?
Its just a fight for his care they don't know how to feed a diabetic they don't know how to feed someone who has heart disease and they won't take any advice from someone who does and has dealt with it for over 30 yrs.
They want to keep him happy and comfortable but this is killing him.
Does a POA give them the right to keep him prisoner in his own home that he can't go out walking by himself? Does a POA give them the right to put up ring doorbell cameras in his home without his knowledge there is one in his kitchen and one in his bedroom and if you are thinking they can see everything in that bedroom you are right.
How can this be stopped without them knowing who turned them in because then they will take it out on him? It just sickens me that they are doing this to get at his finances.
I would seek advice from an elder lawyer, we would be able to ask the Court of Protection to look into the POA and they would interview/question the holders of the POA and set aside if they were not happy - and boy do they have to be happy.
On the matter of the Tylenol for your father's headaches - he is an elderly gentleman and it is unlikely that 3000mg which is less than the full standard dose is going to cause him any relevant harm. However they should be aware that if they are giving these to him on a very regular basis they do have the side effect of causing rebound headache in some people- i.e. people get headaches because they are taking them, and if they stop. They are not suitable medication for long term treatment of headache.
Whether POA gives them the rights to do the other things would in the UK depend on what had been written into the POA. If they have concerns for his safety then under medical POA I would expect them to have the right to do what they consider necessary, be it cameras or walks. I don't know what US POAs are available, but I would suggest you consult an elder lawyer to discuss this and your concerns, the legality and potential actions.
However there are options
You can appoint people jointly and severally so either one or both have to be involved in decisions - which can still cause problems both ways.
OR you can have a named reserve person who can take over in the case of the named POA becoming unable to act.
Either way this is something siblings need to discuss and then the person making the POA has to decide. It is the choice of the person appointing someone to act for them that will matter at the end of the day, but personally I do think it is advisable for all siblings to discuss the possibilities before a decision is made.
So much to think about & do, but we did it. My mother looks so much better, weighs 115, eating 3 meals a day, gets daily shower & clean clothes every day. We take her out to eat with us & gets daily exercise. Grant it - she doesn't know who I am anymore as she us in Stage 5 of ALZ but I am trying to give her the best life I can while I can. So, I really think everyone's situation is different. More than one POA may work for some while others it can destroy everything. Luckily, I jumped in to take over my mom's life or she would possibly be dead. She has now lived with me for almost 2 years. She is 91 1/2. Best decision ever! Thx for reading my post. Bless you! Good luck
If I knew then, what I know now, I would have declined being POA and mom's care taker. The only other sibling lived out of town and has been irrational over the years and we are both educated professionals.
It has been everything from demands with running day to day operations, calling the police on me and calling APS on me.
All of this, with caring for mom who has dementia has taken a toll on my emotional health. I am sure the long term health will occur too.
Please walk into your decision informed and realistically. No one ever fights over a sick parent but anyone will fight over a "Potential Inheritance"