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If you know an outburst is going to result in your mother crying and you feeling horrible, then you need to figure out how to ward OFF these outbursts to begin with. Leave the room if/when mom is getting on your nerves. Identify what behaviors/actions cause you to fly off the handle, and see if there is anything about those situations you can change. If not, leave the room when you see one of those behaviors/actions coming on, and blow off that steam in the garage. When my son was little and screamed all day with colic, rather than yell at him, I'd go into the garage with a hammer and beat up the wooden shelves in there. It felt good to physically take out my frustration on a solid piece of wood.
If you find, ultimately, that you're unable to control your emotions and avoid these scenes (for the most part, anyway), then it's time to consider alternative living arrangements for your mom. My mother took her mother into our house and they went at it like DOGS for my entire childhood. Someone was always crying, lashing out, beating herself up (literally) out of frustration, or driving 'off the bridge' to kill herself. The drama and histrionics was ridiculous. The whole scene should never have BEEN in the first place. Mom couldn't control her emotions and grandma refused to stop needling her, so they were oil & water.
Part of your job is to figure out if this living arrangement is working or not? Your life matters too, DeeJay, not just mom's. If she's overstayed her welcome, there's no crime in admitting that and finding her senior living of some kind instead. My parents enjoyed Assisted Living a LOT and always had some fun activity going on.
We literally cannot control our own emotions all the time. And sometimes this just "happens " before we can bite off our tongues. The important thing is to recognize it, and even if it didn't "just happen" to go to the person we love and say "You know, sometimes I just get so broken hearted over what all you are going through, over how tired I am sometimes, or just having a bad day, and I snap. But I need you to know that I love you very much, and you are so important to me. I am sorry if I hurt you. I wish I was super human and could always be 'good', but that will never be the case". We all snap, whether with our friends, our loved ones young and old. It happens. No one is asking you to be a Saint and it is a very bad job description, anyway!
Eventually I think you will get used to the ways your mom has changed and used to that you can't bring her back to how she was before. You will learn ways to speak to her, to find out what she needs from you, and how to handle your emotions in her presence. Express your irritations to someone else, not her. Always apologize though when you snap. The sooner the better. Explain it's not her, it's you own frustration or tiredness or something not even to do with her. Early with her Alzheimer's, one time I went home from my mom's house and she called me right away to ask what we had been fighting about. She couldn't remember the topic, but still had the feeling of us arguing. I felt so bad and I although I could remember what the issue was, it was not important enough for her to be upset. She was doing her best. I was doing my best, but I was the only one who could get better at my best.
First of all, don’t beat yourself up for losing your patience. Who hasn’t lost their patience at some point in time when they are overwhelmed? You’re not alone.
If this becomes chronic then it is a different story. You may want to admit to yourself that it is becoming too much for you. If that is the case, it is certainly understandable.
Most of us didn’t realize what we were getting into when we took on the responsibility of caregiving in our homes.
It might be time to start looking into alternatives, such as having mom move into a facility.
In the meantime, you could walk away and do something for yourself, even if it’s only making a cup of tea, listening to music for awhile, or reading a book.
Caregiving is hands down the hardest job any of us will ever do. Especially when we're living with the one we're caring for. Lack of sleep and constant worry can cause the best of us to lose our tempers and snap at our loved one. You are human like the rest of us and we all have our breaking point. I remember the first time I lost my temper with my bedridden husband and hollered at him. I too felt horrible and shortly thereafter went and apologized. He was so sweet and said that it was ok because I think he knew that I was doing the very best I could. However the next time I lost it with him and went back to apologize, he looked confused as he didn't even remember as he had dementia. Like I've said on this forum before, anyone who says that they've not lost their temper with a loved one that they were caring for is lying. Joining a caregiver support group really helped me keep my emotions in check better as I was able to share with others who were going through similar things and who really understood. When I shared that I had hollered at my husband and how bad I felt, they all said, "of course you lost your temper, we all have at one point or another. Don't beat yourself up over it as you're doing the very best you can." That was so comforting to me, to know that I wasn't alone. So that's what I'll say to you. Don't beat yourself up over it. You're doing the very best you can. I will add however to make sure that you're taking time for yourself to regroup and reenergize your spirit and soul. You must have time to find joy in things that you enjoy as you matter in this equation too. If you make yourself a priority, that too will help keep your stress levels down and you will find it much easier to not lose your cool. Hang in there. You're doing a great job. And always remember, if things just get to be too much for you, you can always have mom placed in the appropriate facility.
What an awful thing to say. This is a support forum for people who are struggling during their caregiving journey.
Try to be more understanding of posters who are stressed out and are looking for comfort and encouragement.
Would you like to read a negative comment such as yours if you were in the poster’s position? I highly doubt that you would appreciate a message like you wrote.
Wow…counseling may be needed..I get the frustration..BUT we have to control that. I started counseling when I saw I was angry..I feel so much better..well worth my co-pay..good luck
You are not alone. We have all been there. It is impossible to keep cool and calm all the time when caregiving. It is the most exhausting, frustrating job there is and many of us are living with suppressed anger issues for being thrust into a job we didn’t ask for and are ill prepared for. Not anger at the person, but at the situation. That anger and frustration is bound to come out at some point. The tasks and responsibilities can feel endless and when dealing with someone with dementia you can’t reason with them so it’s an endless cycle of “they break it, you try to fix it” and it’s relentless.
Just yesterday I lost it with my father because he has yet again broken another cell phone because he is unable to use them anymore. Any of them, and we have tried them all. Even the simplest RAZ phone that is literally just pictures of people that you touch to make the call. How you screw up that phone is a mystery for the ages. He just keeps pushing the buttons until he gets the phone completely messed up and it stops working, requiring a complete reset or the purchase of another phone. We are on number three in an 8 month period. And he’s a a screamer. So when you are trying to help him he gets frustrated and screams at you. And I mean red in face, I think he’s going to stroke out level of screaming that the neighbors can hear. He demands you drop everything you are doing and help him immediately and is now unable to process that you have things to do as well. So yesterday I lost it. I screamed back, “There is nothing wrong with the phone! The problem is with your brain! You break every phone we get you! Can’t you see that everyone around you is able to use their phones just fine and you can’t?! You have lost the ability to use a cell phone anymore!”
I don’t even live with my father. I’m 3000 miles away and he lives alone with people checking in on him. I KNOW I can’t take the stress of living with him full time so I just won’t. At some point there will be an incident that triggers placement. If you are finding that it’s harder and harder to control your emotions it may just be getting too hard for you to do anymore. You may want to consider placing her so you can just be her daughter again and not her full time caregiver. A very practical social worker told me when I asked her how I would know it was time to place my father that the right time would be when it was too hard for me to keep going, not necessarily for him. She said that caregivers understandably focus on the needs of the person in their care and ask themselves how they can care them. But the real question should be, how do I make sure my LO is cared for AND that my life is not completely disrupted. That was hard to hear because it sounds selfish, but she is right. At some point you have to claim your life back and say no more.
Did I feel guilty for yelling back at him? Of course. But I am a human being and can only take so much. You are human. Cut yourself some slack.
"A very practical social worker told me when I asked her how I would know it was time to place my father that the right time would be when it was too hard for me to keep going, not necessarily for him. "
Such great advice! If more people followed it, then perhaps there wouldn't be the 40% rate of caregivers who die before their charges with dementia!
I find it best to not treat her as my mom, but as a woman in need, with respect and compassion (these things she didn't earn). I choose to remove that dynamic for my own self preservation, as well as providing the care she needs without the history of our relationship. For me, this was a game changer.
Do not feel guilty because it is an impossible job. Between the anger, frustration, lack of good sleep its a wonder we can function at all. I tried to set up some boundaries with my difficult mother. Decrease the time spent visiting and visit less days. If she started her usual nastiness I got off the phone or left her apartment. The advice I was given us to let her have a chance to miss me. She had sitters everyday all day so she needed nothing.
You need some peaceful alone time. Take care of yourself.
Heck, I was not guilty for one second. I just helped my late mother until her alternate living arrangements happened. I had to go for professional help and get diagnosed for my disability when I got so angry with my late mentally ill mother plus my unemployment and she kept from seeking new work. Whenever I went to my room and shut the door, she yelled and bullied for my help. She was finally forced into a nursing home and eventually relocated so I could get my life back in order.
This was a learning experience for my husband and me. Mom was sincere in her beliefs and we did not know that our actions of dismissal or “correcting” were a problem for her. I got a chance to spend 2 weeks with mom alone when my husband had to travel. During that time, the aloneness I felt precipitated my seeking a comfort verse from the Bible. I had just listened to how to memorize and I memorized most of James 1. It was the best thing I could have done. I printed it out and hung it in the bathroom on the mirror. Very soon, I had it done and it was where I went (repeating it) instead of reacting to my mom. She was trying to be independent (and could not). She was very sad and vulnerable and I am sad at how I was not the daughter to her that she needed at that time. Over time, months, I was able to adjust my reactions because of James 1 and its’ promises. I know God is not surprised at the present and the future and I am grateful that my mom is/was a precious woman who wrote her prayers. She is an introvert and has a hard time standing up for herself or speaking out. She and I pray together now and her confusions are many and unpredictable throughout the day. I am grateful that she doesn’t remember my actions and that I have a path to stay on that keeps me from creating sorrow in my mom who is unable to be whom she is now. I truly understand even more my impatience and tone with her and it breaks my heart that I was that person. I think I know how you feel. I walked away from the situation each time and recited my verses until I had peace and when I went back to check on mom….all was well.
My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2018. In caring for him, at times, is very frustrating. One thing that has really helped me, as simple as it sounds, is a caregiver’s mantra that I read in a book authored by Pauline Boss, “Loving Someone Who Has Dementia.”That mantra is DIRM, an acronym for “Does It Really Matter”. So in a frustrating situation, I’ll pause and think DIRM, does it really matter. Most often it doesn’t. I can then respond in a more positive and caring manner. It’s worth a try. We can all empathize with you. We’re all on the same path. Not where we expected to be at this point in our lives. Hugs to you. I wish you the best.
So many helpful and supportive responses here. We've all lost patience. Forgive yourself, forgive your care recipient, move on and try to do better the next time, and then the next time. We're all doing the best we can in the moment.
My favorite tool was the shuni mudra. As you feel that surge inside that bubbles up and makes your head feel like it's going to explode, tap your thumb and middle finger together as a signal to your brain (an interruption, if you will, because, frankly, your brain is powerless in that moment to stop the spewing) to take a deep breath (or three) before you open your mouth. It will ready you to speak calmly, maybe to say you need to feed the cat or go to the bathroom. It won't always work, nothing does, but you'll get better at it.
Another idea is to write down what happened: he said, she said, this was the result. Work it through, cry your tears. Those journal entries also led me to write an honest memoir about my years with my mother, and helped heal the relationship and my memories of her.
I'm glad I was able to forgive myself in those moments; it's probably prevented my ongoing disappointment in myself. I wish I had apologized more, but I suspect an apology would have led to another episode of whatever caused my frustration in the first place—usually feeling unappreciated.
Sending love to all of you. This is not your forever.
I was not good at this… I eventually lost the daughter and became the caregiver… I would often mentally read the word patience , over and over till it subsided.
Dont be too hard on yourself ,I like what CareSurvivor said..
It is difficult. My move is just to not say anything and go in another room. Fortunately my wife is very sweet and it only takes a few minutes to forget and move on
the facilitator at Support Group that I used to go to handed out a information sheet once. (I am going to get the numbers wrong but it will not make a difference) The statistic they gave was...60% of caregivers admit getting angry at the person they are caring for. MY comment to the group was...that means 40% lied. You can not be a caregiver and NOT get angry. We are all human. Getting angry is just part of that. Did your mom NEVER get angry with you when you were a child...did her anger at some point make you cry? A few things you can do when you get angry: If you can, if it is safe, leave the room. Sometimes just walking out of the room and taking a deep breath helps. Do something different. If you are trying to get her to shower...forget the shower that day, or for that moment. If you are trying to get shoes on her, forget shoes slippers or socks will be fine. Getting dressed...so she spends the day in jammies. You can get her dressed later. Most of the stuff is not worth anger, frustration.
If you get angry apologize, she may not understand but it will help you.
If you do not have help get a caregiver. This gives you a break, gives mom a break. If mom qualifies and can attend if there is an Adult Day Program get her there. Most will have a van pick up in the morning and they provide breakfast, lunch and a snack and lots of activities during the day. There are programs called Memory Café's they are Dementia friendly programs that you can also attend it will give both of you a bit of a break as there are other people going through the same things. If there is a Support Group that you can go to that might help you.
If this happens a lot it may be that mom's care is more than you can handle at home and it might be time to look for Memory Care. This is not giving up but accepting that it is ore than you can manage.
Thank you for posting this, DeeJay. I'm often guilty as charged. It's sooo difficult to be controlled all the time when more and more is being asked of you. We just do our best.
I notice that often people recommend getting a caregiver, adult daycare, assisted living, memory care or friends/relatives to help relieve caregiver stress. The first few are expensive and might end up being more stressful. In addition, some people, might have relatives/friends with their own health/work/family issues. Other than deep breathing or absenting the situation, what else can these people do?
Here is a wonderful example of soneone who has the gentlest of emotions, even after 7 years of caregiving! You can follow him to see all his videos. I wish I had such a role model:
I've often lost my patience with my dear sweet mother. She has a few habits that push my buttons. I've gotten better with repetition of the behaviors. I know what to expect and I know she can't help it. The one saving grace I've noted is, with the complete loss of her short term memory, 5 minutes later she won't remember a thing.
I did the same thing… It helped for me to realize that I was afraid - not just frustrated - with my mom’s decline. The truth is that it is a little bit horrifying to contemplate their (and your future) infirmity and mortality.
Medicaid isn’t the answer when caught between being someone who has too much for Medicaid and too little to afford a facility or caregiver. Medicaid allows the “healthy spouse” very little to live on.
Prayer. Ask God's Holy Spirit to be with you as a guide, and remind you your mom is not the mom you grew up with anymore. He can also help you keep calm, be less judgmental in your responses (when you've explained something for the twentieth time) and feel peaceful. You could try treating your mom as a lovely person you've decided to help for a while, like looking after a friend's child while she's in the hospital. This kind of attitude let me 'step back' from expectations and see things with a certain amount of impartiality, which was necessary for me. My mom and I didn't get along well, and her slow dementia and illnesses were making her more cranky than usual (which is understandable.) I needed to see her as someone beside 'Mom' for a while, which helped me be more compassionate. I pray for you and your mom, and hope you can find some peace in a difficult situation.
Thank you Kailyn! I to am struggling & stressed by the same situation and I have only been at this 4 months. I know in my heart The Holy Spirit is there to help, guide and protect us both, mom & me. He is our source of healing, help and comfort. I’m working on stopping and listening for His guidance before striking out. I like the idea you suggested and will try to look at the situation with that view point. I do much better with compassion of others than with family.
When my Mom was living in her own place, I was getting more and more stressed which made it easier to set me off. It didn't matter whether the caregivers were there or not.
Once my Mom moved into Memory Care, I found out that I don't snap at my Mom. I just calmly finish (with a shortened routine) or stop what I'm doing, pack up my things, and hand my Mom over to the care givers.
That is why my Mom is in managed care. Being able to make sure she is being cared for regardless of my emotional state is worth all the time, energy and headaches that I went through to find the facility.
When I was taking care of my Mom, I could not leave her as she was a fall risk. My Mom could read, so if I could catch myself, I would write on an index card what I wanted her to do. A therapist showed me mindfulness techniques. Then there is the counting to 10. The advice of a therapist was really helpful in customizing what I could do
However, if you cannot control your negative emotions on an ongoing basis, I highly suggest that you look into getting your Mom into managed care. It will be good for you as well as her.
P.S. Regarding the post about the short term memory...My Mom had a tendency to remember and tell everyone, about all the negative things that were done to her, even when she significantly lost a good part of her memory. A therapist told me that negative memories are stronger than positive memories, hence yes, they are easier to recall than positive memories.
Not easy. I would bet every one of us who care for a loved one has lost it, maybe more than once. I think the only answer is respite care for your mom. At lease once a week you need to escape and do something you enjoy.
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APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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If you find, ultimately, that you're unable to control your emotions and avoid these scenes (for the most part, anyway), then it's time to consider alternative living arrangements for your mom. My mother took her mother into our house and they went at it like DOGS for my entire childhood. Someone was always crying, lashing out, beating herself up (literally) out of frustration, or driving 'off the bridge' to kill herself. The drama and histrionics was ridiculous. The whole scene should never have BEEN in the first place. Mom couldn't control her emotions and grandma refused to stop needling her, so they were oil & water.
Part of your job is to figure out if this living arrangement is working or not? Your life matters too, DeeJay, not just mom's. If she's overstayed her welcome, there's no crime in admitting that and finding her senior living of some kind instead. My parents enjoyed Assisted Living a LOT and always had some fun activity going on.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.
We all snap, whether with our friends, our loved ones young and old. It happens. No one is asking you to be a Saint and it is a very bad job description, anyway!
If this becomes chronic then it is a different story. You may want to admit to yourself that it is becoming too much for you. If that is the case, it is certainly understandable.
Most of us didn’t realize what we were getting into when we took on the responsibility of caregiving in our homes.
It might be time to start looking into alternatives, such as having mom move into a facility.
In the meantime, you could walk away and do something for yourself, even if it’s only making a cup of tea, listening to music for awhile, or reading a book.
Best wishes to you.
You are human like the rest of us and we all have our breaking point. I remember the first time I lost my temper with my bedridden husband and hollered at him. I too felt horrible and shortly thereafter went and apologized. He was so sweet and said that it was ok because I think he knew that I was doing the very best I could. However the next time I lost it with him and went back to apologize, he looked confused as he didn't even remember as he had dementia.
Like I've said on this forum before, anyone who says that they've not lost their temper with a loved one that they were caring for is lying.
Joining a caregiver support group really helped me keep my emotions in check better as I was able to share with others who were going through similar things and who really understood. When I shared that I had hollered at my husband and how bad I felt, they all said, "of course you lost your temper, we all have at one point or another. Don't beat yourself up over it as you're doing the very best you can." That was so comforting to me, to know that I wasn't alone.
So that's what I'll say to you. Don't beat yourself up over it. You're doing the very best you can.
I will add however to make sure that you're taking time for yourself to regroup and reenergize your spirit and soul. You must have time to find joy in things that you enjoy as you matter in this equation too.
If you make yourself a priority, that too will help keep your stress levels down and you will find it much easier to not lose your cool.
Hang in there. You're doing a great job.
And always remember, if things just get to be too much for you, you can always have mom placed in the appropriate facility.
Try to be more understanding of posters who are stressed out and are looking for comfort and encouragement.
Would you like to read a negative comment such as yours if you were in the poster’s position? I highly doubt that you would appreciate a message like you wrote.
Just yesterday I lost it with my father because he has yet again broken another cell phone because he is unable to use them anymore. Any of them, and we have tried them all. Even the simplest RAZ phone that is literally just pictures of people that you touch to make the call. How you screw up that phone is a mystery for the ages. He just keeps pushing the buttons until he gets the phone completely messed up and it stops working, requiring a complete reset or the purchase of another phone. We are on number three in an 8 month period. And he’s a a screamer. So when you are trying to help him he gets frustrated and screams at you. And I mean red in face, I think
he’s going to stroke out level of screaming that the neighbors can hear. He demands you drop everything you are doing and help him immediately and is now unable to process that you have things to do as well. So yesterday I lost it. I screamed back, “There is nothing wrong with the phone! The problem is with your brain! You break every phone we get you! Can’t you see that everyone around you is able to use their phones just fine and you can’t?! You have lost the ability to use a cell phone anymore!”
I don’t even live with my father. I’m 3000 miles away and he lives alone with people checking in on him. I KNOW I can’t take the stress of living with him full time so I just won’t. At some point there will be an incident that triggers placement. If you are finding that it’s harder and harder to control your emotions it may just be getting too hard for you to do anymore. You may want to consider placing her so you can just be her daughter again and not her full time caregiver. A very practical social worker told me when I asked her how I would know it was time to place my father that the right time would be when it was too hard for me to keep going, not necessarily for him. She said that caregivers understandably focus on the needs of the person in their care and ask themselves how they can care them. But the real question should be, how do I make sure my LO is cared for AND that my life is not completely disrupted. That was hard to hear because it sounds selfish, but she is right. At some point you have to claim your life back and say no more.
Did I feel guilty for yelling back at him? Of course. But I am a human being and can only take so much. You are human. Cut yourself some slack.
Such great advice! If more people followed it, then perhaps there wouldn't be the 40% rate of caregivers who die before their charges with dementia!
You need some peaceful alone time. Take care of yourself.
It’s worth a try. We can all empathize with you. We’re all on the same path. Not where we expected to be at this point in our lives. Hugs to you. I wish you the best.
My favorite tool was the shuni mudra. As you feel that surge inside that bubbles up and makes your head feel like it's going to explode, tap your thumb and middle finger together as a signal to your brain (an interruption, if you will, because, frankly, your brain is powerless in that moment to stop the spewing) to take a deep breath (or three) before you open your mouth. It will ready you to speak calmly, maybe to say you need to feed the cat or go to the bathroom. It won't always work, nothing does, but you'll get better at it.
Another idea is to write down what happened: he said, she said, this was the result. Work it through, cry your tears. Those journal entries also led me to write an honest memoir about my years with my mother, and helped heal the relationship and my memories of her.
I'm glad I was able to forgive myself in those moments; it's probably prevented my ongoing disappointment in myself. I wish I had apologized more, but I suspect an apology would have led to another episode of whatever caused my frustration in the first place—usually feeling unappreciated.
Sending love to all of you. This is not your forever.
Dont be too hard on yourself ,I like what CareSurvivor said..
The statistic they gave was...60% of caregivers admit getting angry at the person they are caring for. MY comment to the group was...that means 40% lied.
You can not be a caregiver and NOT get angry.
We are all human. Getting angry is just part of that.
Did your mom NEVER get angry with you when you were a child...did her anger at some point make you cry?
A few things you can do when you get angry:
If you can, if it is safe, leave the room. Sometimes just walking out of the room and taking a deep breath helps.
Do something different. If you are trying to get her to shower...forget the shower that day, or for that moment. If you are trying to get shoes on her, forget shoes slippers or socks will be fine. Getting dressed...so she spends the day in jammies. You can get her dressed later.
Most of the stuff is not worth anger, frustration.
If you get angry apologize, she may not understand but it will help you.
If you do not have help get a caregiver.
This gives you a break, gives mom a break.
If mom qualifies and can attend if there is an Adult Day Program get her there. Most will have a van pick up in the morning and they provide breakfast, lunch and a snack and lots of activities during the day.
There are programs called Memory Café's they are Dementia friendly programs that you can also attend it will give both of you a bit of a break as there are other people going through the same things.
If there is a Support Group that you can go to that might help you.
If this happens a lot it may be that mom's care is more than you can handle at home and it might be time to look for Memory Care.
This is not giving up but accepting that it is ore than you can manage.
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Once my Mom moved into Memory Care, I found out that I don't snap at my Mom. I just calmly finish (with a shortened routine) or stop what I'm doing, pack up my things, and hand my Mom over to the care givers.
That is why my Mom is in managed care. Being able to make sure she is being cared for regardless of my emotional state is worth all the time, energy and headaches that I went through to find the facility.
When I was taking care of my Mom, I could not leave her as she was a fall risk. My Mom could read, so if I could catch myself, I would write on an index card what I wanted her to do. A therapist showed me mindfulness techniques. Then there is the counting to 10. The advice of a therapist was really helpful in customizing what I could do
However, if you cannot control your negative emotions on an ongoing basis, I highly suggest that you look into getting your Mom into managed care. It will be good for you as well as her.
P.S. Regarding the post about the short term memory...My Mom had a tendency to remember and tell everyone, about all the negative things that were done to her, even when she significantly lost a good part of her memory. A therapist told me that negative memories are stronger than positive memories, hence yes, they are easier to recall than positive memories.