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Then just either give it all away or throw away what is not salvageable. There are so many charities that would love to have your moms things. The fact that you are struggling with this issue tells me that you don't have any sentimental attachment to her things and you more than likely don't need any of it anyway. So give it to someone who really needs it and will appreciate it. Your mom would love knowing that someone in need is using and enjoying her things. I know that would bring me great joy.
Sorry for the loss of your Mom! My Mom passed 10 years ago, and I only kept a turquoise ring I had given my Mom many years ago - she never took it off. Now I wear it daily! My husband passed away last year and I kept his wedding ring and some other personal sacred items for his altar. Our adult kids & grandkids all kept whatever they wanted, and I donated the rest of my husband's clothing and other items to a local church. In my forward thinking I wanted to downsize as much as possible because when My Dad is gone I plan to sell my big home and buy some land where our family will build a compound, and I'll buy myself a tiny home - close enough to my Sons to feel safe - yet far enough away on our property to not feel like they have to fuss over me lol. Plus, there's no way I want my kids to have to deal with tons of personal mementos I've kept over the years, smaller footprint! Too much guilt for them lol My Best Wishes to You!
My friend and I both had the same issue. No one wants these items passed down like they did in former generations. It broke her heart getting rid of collectables that her kids didn't want... but they were grandma's collectables, not theirs.
Can't tell you how many sets of nice dishes I have that no one wants. Yet you feel bad getting rid of them. I have found that something I couldn't part with 5 years ago I am finally able to purge when I realize it is not an active part of my daily life.
I found that getting rid of one thing every week helps pare down things without being distressed over a big purge.
My Mom was sentimental and so am I. So, I decided the best way for me was to try to be practical and logical.
1. Any clothing in poor shape was tossed. The rest were donated. (other than the two shirts that were used for the Memory Bear, as lealonnie1 recommends.) 2. All of her blankets and throws were washed and donated to an animal rescue. 3. Books went to the library for their annual Book Sale. 4. Kitchen items. (Very hard for me!) Scratched up, dented, icky old kitchenware was tossed. Older but unneeded were donated to a Homeless Shelter's Thrift Shop. What I used & liked was kept. 4. Photos in frames. Took them out of their frames, put the photos in plastic totes and put them in the closet. Frames (outdated) were donated. Some were tossed. 5. Misc. decorative items. I kept her favorites that gave me joy in my decor. The rest were donated. 6. Some things I had a hard time with!!! Those items, I set out for awhile and go about my daily life. If looking at them annoyed me after a few days because they're not my style - off they go to the Thrift Shop. 7. I donated all of her leftover medical/incontinent supplies to the local Senior Center. They were thrilled to have them. Lots of unopened bandages, etc. Anything clean, new and unused. 8. And I made sure her Medical Equipment (Hoyer Lift, Hospital Bed, etc) went back to the rental company ASAP, as they were so large and took up so much space. 9. I kept her favorite hospital bedside table, as it's so practical. Other furniture I didn't really like were donated. Scheduled a pick up and away it went!
I know this is long. Hope this helps. Make sure what you keep sparks joy. Either you like it, have great memories with it, or it's practical.
And, yes! Some of it (actually most of it, hurt a lot to do - but, I couldn't keep everything. Didn't have the room.)
Zebracat, what I did was swap out items. Example, my folks had some really nice table lamps, so I donated my own lamps and am using their lamps.
My Mom had several small nicely colored china custard bowls, so I swapped out the old tins I was using for paper clips, etc. with the bowls.
I brought home a few handmade bookcases that my Dad made, and donated my own nothing-special bookcases.
As I sit at my computer, I see the brass flamingo bookends (with green felt underneath) my folks had since I was in grade school, those bookends I am using. They feel special.
After I took what I could use in my own home, then the rest of their household became easier. I found a place that has a yearly rummage sale where the proceeds are used for scholarships, so the fine china and glassware, jewelry, gently worn clothing went there. Goodwill and the Salvation Army took the furniture. Other items in excellent condition went to thrift shops.
Good ideas already. I’ll add that I’ve really found having my mom’s possessions doesn’t heal the wound of missing her, it’s the person I miss, not her stuff. Many of the items I initially brought home, I’ve now donated. It’s very true younger generations don’t value old things for the most part. I also read the little book “The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning” a fun and quick read on what could be a dark topic. It’s all about not leaving your mess behind when you die, therefore paring down, getting rid of access, and not burdening your children when you’re gone. It caused me to clean out a lot, and still keep on as an ongoing process. In the end it’s all just stuff, relationships matter far more.
Amen, Daughter1930. No one wants to be left with a mess of stuff to have to go through when a loved one dies. It's just STUFF, and will never replace memories with our loved ones.
When in doubt, wait. Works everytime. You may revisit what you packed and decide what you will keep and what to donate at a later date.
I made the mistake and gave away my mother's silver fox collar coat to her sister. My aunt gave it to her daughter and it was accidentally placed in a dumpster. Don't be to hasty to give things away to distant relatives that you can keep for yourself.
If it is fairly recent, maybe taking some time to get over the loss can help you decide what really matters and makes you smile.
I didn't look at my dad's stuff for 4 months and that really helped me to sort through the stuff. I ended up with a bankers box full of things that I wanted to keep, then a couple years later I was able to let some other things go, I have enough of my own stuff just being stored in my home, so I didn't want his stuff taking space I don't have. I just wanted things that made me smile when I saw them and remembered my dad.
My mom passed away four months ago. We owned two side-by-side townhouses. I have moved into mom’s since it is the nicer end unit and am in the process of selling mine. It has taken me constant work practically from the day she died to get to this point. I had to go through her things, trash, donate, sell or save. Her funeral was two months after her death and by that point I had cleared out a lot of stuff and sorted out a selection of her things that I thought family members might like to keep. I put them around my house for them to browse through when they were here. Everyone had a chance to take things that were useful or meaningful to them. It’s been nonstop since and my house is cleared out for sale and mom’s house is now full of my things and some of hers. It feels a bit over-stuffed to be honest, but it’ll do for now. In maybe six months or a year I‘ll do another sort through to lighten the load.
I almost disagree with "cover9339" I have a HUGE box of photos in the basement. I have NO idea who the people are, where the photos were taken. Yet they sit there because they are photos. I was hoping to get my SIL to go through them but she died and I doubt seriously if her kids know who any of the people are.
So...If you know who the people are, the photos are marked then if you want, keep them. (I would actually have them digitized and kept that way cuz you are never going to look at them anyway.)
If any might be of interest to a local group, historical society then let them go through them.
Zebracat... If there are things that you want to keep. Keep them no matter what others say. You can go through them when the memories are not quite as raw.
If there are items of value that you don't want, sell them. (Most items we think are of value aren't )
Do not rush the purging process. If you have to get things out of a house then box up what you might want and make it a winter project to go through a box a month. (Or a box a week) Get rid of clothes that you will never wear. Make sure you go through boxes and book for any items of value. books can be donated to your local library. Most have book sales to raise money for the various programs.
I met a distant cousin in France. He said he was cleaning out his parents' house and found a shoebox with photos stamped by a studio in Pittsburgh, PA. He took them to his great aunt and she was able to identify a few of the subjects, among them my great-great-grandparents and their kids. Evidently they corresponded and sent pictures back for a generation at least. Kind of sweet and sad.
Take your time. I gave away certain things I wished I hadn't, like his custom black satin Metallica tour jacket he got in Germany when in the Army.
In fact, 23 years later I'm taking his 20 photo albums to his sister next month. We did duplicates of everything, since I didn't want mine touched. To me, photography is history.
Keep what you want , see if other family members want anything or if they want copies of photos made .
The questionable stuff I tossed . I didn’t want my kids to have to clean out too much . I actually am cleaning out my basement little by little and have gotten rid of stuff I should not have saved .
You can take photos of things rather than saving the actual things.
It is a difficult decision when the death is so fresh in your mind. These decisions are one of the reasons I, at 81, not only have a death book with all information in it, but have also already given away almost everything. I have some photos but have torn down the albums and filed them and left a note to look once and toss. My kids have more than enough of their OWN stuff. Yes, my poetry, anything I wrote of any consequence I saved and they can read and toss. But other than that I am getting rid of things. I cannot take them with me and they are but a burden to my kids. I pass by anything they may want. Great Grandfather's German stein? No thanks. No takers. The cut glass? Not their thing. So I can feel free to pass these things on where they will be loved, and lessen the burden of all that needs to be handled. This is just "stuff". It isn't our loved ones. They are memories.
Regarding old photos of "who are these people?". I am glad I kept all those mystery photos, most were professional family portraits.
I use Ancestry for my family trees, and Ancestry has high school/college year books going way back. While searching one person I got to see his college photo. Ah ha, he was the same young man in a mystery family portrait.
Thankfully I have much younger relatives who are interested in family history, so I made copies of all the family history binders, and included all the original photos. For some reason, seeing and feeling the original old cardboard photos makes it more real for them :)
My husband (now 94) and I (87) have worked on decluttering for the past 15+ years but still have too much "stuff". If I am the last survivor standing, I've prepared a written suggestion for our adult children to call GOT JUNK (or a local equivalent) and have them haul away anything left after my Final Exit. With luck there will be $$$ to pay for this service. We have few objects of monetary value remaining at this point and, in all likelihood, no one will want our old stuff.
It's tough - all those photos and nothing written on the back. I'm thankful Mum did at least mark date or year and place on the envelope containing the developed negatives. Dad had a folder full of "Letters to Dad" - turns out his mum kept all the letters Dad wrote to his father when he was about 9-10....and also in same folder are. letters his siblings wrote. They are scattered around the world so I plan to scan and upload to Dropbox - assuming that is accessible to them - and they can read away / keep anything they want. After 6 months or so, delete and be done.
I'm wondering what to do with jewelry - I have Mum's wedding rings and one from my sister. All too small for my arthritic-increasing fingers. If they were re-sized, who knows if they would fit in six months. Ideas?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I myself don't like clutter, and have plenty of stuff of my own.
I heard in Sweden the elderly clean out there clutter, with the family before death. I wish Americans did this.
Best of luck.
There are so many charities that would love to have your moms things.
The fact that you are struggling with this issue tells me that you don't have any sentimental attachment to her things and you more than likely don't need any of it anyway.
So give it to someone who really needs it and will appreciate it. Your mom would love knowing that someone in need is using and enjoying her things.
I know that would bring me great joy.
Can't tell you how many sets of nice dishes I have that no one wants. Yet you feel bad getting rid of them. I have found that something I couldn't part with 5 years ago I am finally able to purge when I realize it is not an active part of my daily life.
I found that getting rid of one thing every week helps pare down things without being distressed over a big purge.
My Mom was sentimental and so am I. So, I decided the best way for me was to try to be practical and logical.
1. Any clothing in poor shape was tossed. The rest were donated.
(other than the two shirts that were used for the Memory Bear, as lealonnie1 recommends.)
2. All of her blankets and throws were washed and donated to an animal rescue.
3. Books went to the library for their annual Book Sale.
4. Kitchen items. (Very hard for me!) Scratched up, dented, icky old kitchenware was tossed. Older but unneeded were donated to a Homeless Shelter's Thrift Shop. What I used & liked was kept.
4. Photos in frames. Took them out of their frames, put the photos in plastic totes and put them in the closet. Frames (outdated) were donated. Some were tossed.
5. Misc. decorative items. I kept her favorites that gave me joy in my decor. The rest were donated.
6. Some things I had a hard time with!!! Those items, I set out for awhile and go about my daily life. If looking at them annoyed me after a few days because they're not my style - off they go to the Thrift Shop.
7. I donated all of her leftover medical/incontinent supplies to the local Senior Center. They were thrilled to have them. Lots of unopened bandages, etc. Anything clean, new and unused.
8. And I made sure her Medical Equipment (Hoyer Lift, Hospital Bed, etc) went back to the rental company ASAP, as they were so large and took up so much space.
9. I kept her favorite hospital bedside table, as it's so practical. Other furniture I didn't really like were donated. Scheduled a pick up and away it went!
I know this is long. Hope this helps. Make sure what you keep sparks joy. Either you like it, have great memories with it, or it's practical.
And, yes! Some of it (actually most of it, hurt a lot to do - but, I couldn't keep everything. Didn't have the room.)
My Mom had several small nicely colored china custard bowls, so I swapped out the old tins I was using for paper clips, etc. with the bowls.
I brought home a few handmade bookcases that my Dad made, and donated my own nothing-special bookcases.
As I sit at my computer, I see the brass flamingo bookends (with green felt underneath) my folks had since I was in grade school, those bookends I am using. They feel special.
After I took what I could use in my own home, then the rest of their household became easier. I found a place that has a yearly rummage sale where the proceeds are used for scholarships, so the fine china and glassware, jewelry, gently worn clothing went there. Goodwill and the Salvation Army took the furniture. Other items in excellent condition went to thrift shops.
It's just STUFF, and will never replace memories with our loved ones.
I made the mistake and gave away my mother's silver fox collar coat to her sister. My aunt gave it to her daughter and it was accidentally placed in a dumpster. Don't be to hasty to give things away to distant relatives that you can keep for yourself.
If it is fairly recent, maybe taking some time to get over the loss can help you decide what really matters and makes you smile.
I didn't look at my dad's stuff for 4 months and that really helped me to sort through the stuff. I ended up with a bankers box full of things that I wanted to keep, then a couple years later I was able to let some other things go, I have enough of my own stuff just being stored in my home, so I didn't want his stuff taking space I don't have. I just wanted things that made me smile when I saw them and remembered my dad.
Keep 5 items that would mean a lot to you , (ring, watch, etc), donate or toss the rest.
Photos could be a definite keep
I have a HUGE box of photos in the basement.
I have NO idea who the people are, where the photos were taken.
Yet they sit there because they are photos.
I was hoping to get my SIL to go through them but she died and I doubt seriously if her kids know who any of the people are.
So...If you know who the people are, the photos are marked then if you want, keep them. (I would actually have them digitized and kept that way cuz you are never going to look at them anyway.)
If any might be of interest to a local group, historical society then let them go through them.
Zebracat...
If there are things that you want to keep. Keep them no matter what others say. You can go through them when the memories are not quite as raw.
If there are items of value that you don't want, sell them. (Most items we think are of value aren't )
Do not rush the purging process.
If you have to get things out of a house then box up what you might want and make it a winter project to go through a box a month. (Or a box a week)
Get rid of clothes that you will never wear.
Make sure you go through boxes and book for any items of value.
books can be donated to your local library. Most have book sales to raise money for the various programs.
In fact, 23 years later I'm taking his 20 photo albums to his sister next month. We did duplicates of everything, since I didn't want mine touched. To me, photography is history.
The questionable stuff I tossed . I didn’t want my kids to have to clean out too much . I actually am cleaning out my basement little by little and have gotten rid of stuff I should not have saved .
You can take photos of things rather than saving the actual things.
I use Ancestry for my family trees, and Ancestry has high school/college year books going way back. While searching one person I got to see his college photo. Ah ha, he was the same young man in a mystery family portrait.
Thankfully I have much younger relatives who are interested in family history, so I made copies of all the family history binders, and included all the original photos. For some reason, seeing and feeling the original old cardboard photos makes it more real for them :)
I'm wondering what to do with jewelry - I have Mum's wedding rings and one from my sister. All too small for my arthritic-increasing fingers. If they were re-sized, who knows if they would fit in six months. Ideas?