What strategies can I use to deal with my Mom's demands?

It does sound stressful, but, what I might do is try to give yourself a break. You may be overloaded. . Limit your visits for awhile, if you sense that it's too much to handle right now. It sounds like you have backup and she's being well cared for. You may just be fatigued. I'd also explore if there is any other ways to distract mother.

Have you checked with the Memory Care unit to see what their schedule is. Do they have activities that are at her level and that engages her. Does she have a problem with a roommate or other resident who is bothering her? Is he in pain? Pain can cause people to act in odd ways.

I'd also talk to her doctor about her mood. Is she anxious, depressed, agitated, etc? Medication provided my LO, who is in MC, with a lot of contentment. She once was very worried, upset, but, the daily medication brought her relief. Perhaps, a Geriatric psychiatrist can evaluate her and help.

After exhausting all remedies, you may still have a person who is not content. And that may be her attitude until she progresses to another level. That's not uncommon. I hope you can take a break, recharge your batteries and/or find a remedy that works.

Also, my theory is to say whatever works.  If nothing you say works with her, then, I might just say nothing.  Just start talking about something else completely.  There are some videos on You Tube by Teepa Snow about managing challenging behavior in people who have dementia. I find those helpful. 

My mother was very much like yours, Amber. Getting mom into see a geriatric psychiatrist was the single best decision I made regarding moms care and my sanity. The psychiatrist did a complete medication overhaul- stopping some, starting others and in about a month mom was a new woman - and in no way a medicated zombie, I might add. My only regret is that I did not know of this resource much earlier in the journey.

Amen to the geripsych suggestion. For many of us here, it has been the only affection way of managing our parent's emotional issues.

No amount of reassurance, outings or phone calls helped mom's anxiety. Meds did.

Rainmom's suggestion for a geriatric psychiatric evaluation is right on target. These professionals can work wonders with persons with such traits.
My SO is an 85-year-old aging narcissist. He acts in ways similar to your mother.
I suggest finding more about narcissists (unfortuately no one has written a book about aging narcissists). I left for the following reasons:
1. I never could please him, no matter what I did.
2. He made me feel bad about myself.
3. He would only compliment me on my cooking, even though I own a dementia care business and recently saved him $30K by showing him that his low-interest mortgage had exorbitant fees, which he did not recognize.
I suggest that you sign up for Quora.com, an online resource that focuses on personality issues. You will find a ton of info. on narcissists.
I found this book helpful to better understand narcissistic behavior,"The Object of My Affection is in My Reflection, Coping with Narcissists." by Rokelle Lerner. Published by Health Communications, Inc. www.hicibooks.com. I purchased mine on Amazon.
If it is within your means, I suggest that you consider discussing your mom with a qualified therapist. If you look for one, I suggest you ask them about their experience in treating persons who have/had a narcissist in their life. If the therapist does not have such experience, keep looking for one who does.
Also, beware that some people will suggest that you should be understanding because your mother is now old. This is a fallacy and a trap that will prevent you from understanding her behavior.
My heart goes out to you and I hope that you and your family can distance yourself from your mother's behavior--remember there is no pleasing her, no matter what you do.

People with Dementia don't appreciate what is done for them.
They can't reason anymore. You have Mom in a good place. If she chooses to not participate that is her problem. I think u go over and above.

She wants to move into AL? Try telling her there are no openings at this time, but you are "working on it". Of course you also say she doesn;t remember anything from one day to the next... but maybe it;s worth a try? you say she shuns the activities.. does anyone from the staff have time or inclination to go to her and "invite" her to come? Sometimes the extra attention is all it takes.. and they go with her and get her settled in. It worked for my Dad in MC.. he felt special and included.

To all responses to Strategies/Mom's Demands, thank you! I am truly at my wit's end and starting to doubt the wisdom of my commitment. No matter how pure my intent, no matter how many outings, sacrifices or fulfilling her wants, no matter how much compassion I extend to Mom make any difference whatsoever. She is what she is: a demented narcissist, the most miserable wretch on the planet. At the age of 8 or 9, I was chosen to be her emotional caretaker, which was a horrible thing to do to a child. And here I am, decades later, still Mom's practical caregiver. (I refuse to do the emotional part). My first plan of action is to get a referral for geriatric psychiatry. I'll also look up Teepa Snow on You Tube, find the suggested book and Quora.com. So glad I have found this helpful exchange of ideas. Hope something I say at some point will help some other caregiver. Thank you so much!

I am very grateful that I have never had to deal with a narcissist. I'm glad that others who have are responding.

I also encourage an evaluation by a geriatric psychiatrist. From what I've read, no drugs are effective for narcissism, and counseling doesn't work because they believe so strongly that nothing is wrong with them. But if there are other kinds of impairments along with the big N, it would be good to treat those, at least.

My suggestions (but without experience to back them up):
1) Detach somewhat. Visit less often. Drop down to one excursion a week. This is for your sanity, not hers.
2) Do not sit through uncomfortable episodes. Don't get mad. Don't get defensive. She can't help it. But don't stay and let her assassinate your character. "Mom, I can tell you are not having a good day. I'll come back on Wednesday and maybe things will be better." And LEAVE. Again, this is for your sanity. Don't expect it will teach her something. Her brain is broken now even more than it used to be.
3) Use a line like pamzimmrrt suggests. "Yes. I know what you would like. Sis and I are trying to locate a place that has an opening." Repeat every time she repeats the question.

My mom (who has dementia) is in an Assistant Living Facility with memory care. Try to find one in your area.

Tessa, Amber's mom is in Memory Care. The mom believes that she doesn't require memory care.

The advice given so far is spot on! You two are doing more than needed trying to please someone who can't be pleased. Then she makes you the target of all her displeasure. I've been through some of what your saying. When you realize you "are only responsible to her (such as her finances, buying supplies) but not responsible FOR her (such as her misery, wanting to move, not participating) then it takes a burden off you. Yes, of course we want them to be settled in and content but it's not our burden to make happen. You my dear need to take care of you...the only one you can control. My suggestion that helped me when I was in a position like you are, is to find a therapist to talk to. I could release all these emotions I had in a safe place to someone who was objective and caring. What a help that was!! Don't think you can handle it alone...you don't have to. Even a few sessions were helpful. I agree that getting her on meds will be helpful. It helped my dad.. set your boundaries. Leave her when she gets ugly to you. You do have a choice. Blessing be yours!!

Amber, I was surprised to hear you are taking your Mom out of the memory care facility so much. I was advised that any time I moved my mom, even to the doctor, would cause her to slide further into Alzheimer's. Her memory care facility provided doctors and PA's that came on sight to treat her. Hair salon and special occasion dinners for the residents. I was never encouraged to take her anywhere. As far as her behavior.... does she treat the aides or residents the way she treats you?

after reading a few lines, i paused to see if one of my sisters was the author of this question. upon reading further, it crossed my mind "did I write this?!" [in a dementia-like deja-vu!]
Amber A - i am at a loss to add to your description, so thorough [and well written] - several EXACT DETAILS. ["...Reasoning is useless; her lack of cognition prevents understanding, ... impossible to redirect...."] many many times, i've come upon similar writings, but never to this degree. i have said to my sisters, friends and the staff of the IL facility [where she has been for 3 years, and is "just existing, not living!"] that her blame and accusations of stealing are only partly attributed to dementia; she has never taken responsibility for mishaps of any size; it was always denied and/or the blame put on someone else. ["...dementia is exacerbated by her narcissism..."]
oh! and how she can present herself as normal to others, quite an accomplished actor. when one of my sisters visited recently [tho she actually works in a similar facility and is knowledgeable of the disease] she saw first-hand what i have to deal with [i am the lucky sister who lives nearby]
i have visited less and less, eliminating taking her on outings.
as i was about to close, one other topic comes to mind - frequent calls [up to 10 per DAY, for a period, lessened lately] always the same thing "where is my furniture...my clothes...dad n i left the house with nothing but the clothes on our back" and "how much money did we get for the house...how much is rent here...how much money is in the acct...why don't i have a checking acct, a bank card..." these are the SAME repeated questions for about 2 of the 3 years she's been at the facility. i point out to family and staff - why isn't she calling her other daughters, grandson, her sisters, attending the myriad activities available, taking part in her meds-extended life..?.... no, instead: possessions, money...
for the time being, we are in holding pattern, awaiting the disease's slow but certain decline to determine when to move her to nh or mc.

{another observation - or unsure prediction: as she never worked.. [my much-loved 'can-do' renaissance-man dad was her slave, so glad he doesn't have to listen to her anymore] ..she is not experienced in problem solving, and seeks no creative solutions to everyday life [in a uniquely fine facility!] we can only hope that by having careers ourselves, we have some stored 'deal with it' neurons to help keep dementia at bay if/when it hits us...so as to not tax our own sons/daughters with this exhausting relationship}
btw - she just called me [chuckling]" the funniest things just happened..........[sparing you the details here]............the cleaning lady had to take it, it can't just walk off..." i replied i'll have a look... "no! it's not misplaced. someone HAD to take it!" hung up [not chuckling]

well, i ought read others' more helpful comments now, i trust they'll be valuable as they often are..thank you :)

Your mom sounds EXACTLY like my mom (94). Unlike your mom, my mom was placed in Memory Care 3 months ago and is doing great -- we expected the worst based on her 10 yr behavior and resistance. That said, we have not visited, called or seen her since her placement "while she adjusts" and are taking our cue from the facility director and doctors. She continues to settle in. Wierd -- but its working for everyone.

Mom is following their direction and engaging in activities, making new friends.
Family IS GETTING MUCH NEEDED BREAK from all her crazy accusations, insults, paranoia and arguments over where she needs to be other than rattling around in her house and loss of all ability to make good decisions on her assets and health.

So I agree with above.
Can't reason with persons with dementia -- no matter how sane they sound at the time.
Meds can help (however, my mom is on no meds whatsoever and that made all the difference) in her function and engagement
Take a break -- that means limit visits to short periods when she is at her best and walk away/take leave from all arguments. Don't engage; just leave and start over another day.
Stand strong. Mom appears to be in the right care level (memory care) so no matter what she wants; leave her put. Going to another facility or care level won't improve anything for her or you.
Dealing with it - Whenever she brings it up just respond "Well mom, you should look into it; talk with your dr and see what he suggests" or "I looked into it; they're going to let you know when a room opens (tell director what's going on and that you have no intention of moving her)-- believe me, won't happen and you are taken out of the equation. Onus is on mom to organize a change -- which won't happen but it stops the argument.
Have a mtg with Director, care team where she is and talk to them about your concerns and distress with mom. They can suggest some coping options for you (maybe even join a support caregiver group) and they have expertise to deal with mom. PS. Usually, we, the caregivers/family, are more the problem then the resident! lol.

You are never gonna make your mother happy no matter what you do for her. Take a step back and take care of you. She is in a place where she is clean, safe, and fed and she has the power to be happy or not. Visit her only once a week for lunch. Let the facility take her to her doctor's appointments. Start taking care of you.

Something I read recently: in dementia, information doesn't stick, but emotions do--so someone can have emotional reactions to something that recently happened but don't know what it was. I can see where that is scary.

Granjan,

Before we placed Mom in MC, Mom had dug her heels in about going to any doctors other than the dentist; saying "There's nothing wrong with me!" Dad (before passing) was so mentally beaten down by her and dealing with his own issues that he couldn't influence her to go to the appointments made for her. She was fearful, I'm sure, of a positive diagnosis of dementia. Consequently, once we finally did get Mom checked (by some miracle of cooperation) the doc found multiple problems that had to be addressed, some by himself and some referred to others. At the MC facility where Mom resides, there was a delay in getting her set up with the "house" internist (not the family's fault) but now he is managing most of Mom's needs. Consequently Mom is having fewer and fewer outside MD visits. The facility has encouraged sis and I to reduce Mom's outings to help her settle, which we've now begun to do, but truthfully, I doubt it will help much; we can only hope. However, it was never suggested to us that taking Mom out would cause her to "slide further into Alzheimer's" but rather it might impede her adjustment to MC. There's a wonderful in-house hairdresser who Mom goes to. Every so often the residents take the mini bus on different outings. Even though Mom plays down these perks, I think she probably enjoys them.

Mom's princess mentality knows no bounds. She expects special considerations, flies into a rage if she isn't personally consulted on everything, even things that are none of her her business. She has complete disdain for the rights or feelings of others. The rules must be broken for her. She is special, always the exception; everyone else can lump it. Her family knows that challenging her isn't worth the backlash of rages, revenge, emotional abuse, etc. How our wonderful father (whom she regarded as a provider-slave) stayed with her remains a mystery.

But now she's threatened with loss of control. The tables have turned. Her family (her "underlings") now call the shots, and regardless of how much tact and kindness we inject in the mix, we're a threat to her inflated sense of self. All we can do is stand firm and continue to act in Mom's best interest. Sadly, the concepts of emotional self reliance and introspection are skills she never learned. She's not going to learn them now.

In answer to your question, Granjan, Mom is sweet to the staff where she lives.
She never complains to them but brings her complaints to me or my sister. I wish she would deal directly; despite her profound memory loss, she's remarkably articulate; however, if her complaints seem legitimate, we bring them to the staff's attention. They report to me she's socially engaged with other MC residents, laughing, etc. and are shocked when I relay her complaints of loneliness, no one to talk to, "I wish I could die," and so on and so forth. Even though I suspect some Mama drama here, we'll have a geropsychiatrist investigate. I don't think such statements should ever be dismissed.

Despite my exasperation, I'm trying to make peace with all of it. I'm so sorry for what's happened to Mom.

Evermore, Mom's memory care unit is great; however, they don't furnish rides except for occasional "fun" group outings. Would be nice if they did provide transportation, but the truth of it is, I would not want Mom to go to a doctor without a family member because issues always seem to come up that require decisions Mom can't make or process: a followup appointment, doctor recommendations, etc. Yes, the office can call a designated family member to bring them up to speed on Mom's condition, but for me, I need to "be there" to meet with doc face-to-face.

I have now established a routine of fewer visits, phone calls and outings, and when I do go to visit I'm trying more and more to keep my visit on the premises, taking Mom to hairdresser appt, going on walks, etc. I mean to start a new project that I think Mom might enjoy: recording a verbal account of her earliest family memories. This will be something we can do on site, in her room. Not only will it preserve family history while Mom still has some long term memory, but be good mental exercise for her. Not to mention she'll love the focus on her!

Evermore, Mom's memory care unit is great; however, they don't furnish rides except for occasional "fun" group outings. Would be nice if they did provide transportation, but the truth of it is, I would not want Mom to go to a doctor without a family member because issues always seem to come up that require decisions Mom can't make or process: a followup appointment, doctor recommendations, etc. Yes, the office can call a designated family member to bring them up to speed on Mom's condition, but for me, I need to "be there" to meet with doc face-to-face.

I have now established a routine of fewer visits, phone calls and outings, and when I do go to visit I'm trying more and more to keep my visit on the premises, taking Mom to hairdresser appt, going on walks, etc. I mean to start a new project that I think Mom might enjoy: recording a verbal account of her earliest family memories. This will be something we can do on site, in her room. Not only will it preserve family history while Mom still has some long term memory, but be good mental exercise for her. Not to mention she'll love the focus on her!

Just from your description alone, it sounds like you may very well have a pickle on your hands and it may very well be time to either take a break or just walk away altogether and not look back. Combining dementia with pre-existing narcissism is definitely a disaster and you'll never be able to win this one. I currently encourage people to walk away from narcissism, meaning a narcissist is someone who thinks only of themselves and is downright greedy thinking of no one else's needs but their own wants and desires. Narcissists will actually take advantage of you financially, it's happened to me and many others around my town. They become very interested in your money and assets and they definitely find a clever ways to gain access to them and the possibilities are endless! It can be hard to take the first step to stand up to a narcissist, believe me, I've dealt with them! They don't want to see others have it better than them and they will take even ridiculous steps at the expense of others at having a better life than everyone else around them and even better things they tend to show off, flaunting it before their victims. One time the narcissist formerly in my life got a new bed from a rent to own place. He thought he had a better bed than anyone else around him but what he didn't know is I already sleep on Tempur-pedic at my own place! He had been to my place before and gotten to see it, I had no problem before his true colors really came out later. He must've remembered seeing the Tempur-pedic on my bed because shortly after I told him I'm happy with my Tempur-pedic and I'm staying on it, he sent it back within no time. I guess he thought he was going to sleep on a better bet than everyone else and flaunt it before his victims faces, he just had no grace or mercy whatsoever for any of his victims he took advantage of in some way or another. Sometimes you just have to stand your ground but sometimes it takes losing lots of money or even resources for hindsight to teach you a lesson. Money and assets can be replaced, but never your own health and well-being. Yes, it can be restored but never replaced. When dealing with a narcissist, the best way to light up a room is when they leave it. There came a time when the narcissist's live in girlfriend finally kicked him to the curb and every secret came out, and was I shocked at what the victim's family had to say, especially the ex-girlfriend. Now, if you combine dementia with narcissism, yes, the disaster worsens. The best thing to do is to walk away from these kinds of people and not look back, ever! Your best to take that first step and just stop going to visit her. She's never going to be the person you're hoping for her to become. These types of people never change and you're better off without them. Don't waste your lives waiting around for something you now know will never happen, it won't change and hasn't change for the past 20 years you've been around this person and look where you are 20 years later. Has it changed? No. See what I mean? Now do you understand? I'm speaking from experience because I know how narcissists are and I have also dealt with someone with dementia. Many years ago I knew someone who used to be kind of like a mom to me until she became hateful toward what turns out was the end of her life. She was fine toward me before she ever turned at some point, but I don't know what she was really like in secret when I wasn't there. All I recall of her is she was not the same person she used to be. She started becoming very verbally abusive because she turned into a totally angry person and even used multiple threats to try to control others. One time she was threatening me about my car and my seat adjustment on my drivers side when I had a car. The highway patrol cannot do anything about how a person adjust their seat as long as they can operate the car safely and see completely around them. She was going to call the highway patrol to come out and look at my car and the seat adjustment which was only slightly reclined for comfort. Something deep inside told me I really need to walk out and initiating the walkout was the hardest. I looked to my close friend for support as he tried to keep her calm on my behalf. At some point when she was about to find a phone and send out the highway patrol over something they couldn't do anything about legally, I left out and never returned as far as I recall. I just can't be in a toxic environment, I was rescued from multiple toxic environments throughout my life and I just can't do it. Sometimes it pays to live alone and just not have anyone there because home is where the healing takes place.

I hope my story helps you and gives you hope to take that first step toward freedom because you will never change the person she is now. Stop waiting for the person you're waiting for her to become, it won't happen. Move on with your life from where you are now into a better future.

A final thought is narcissists don't want to see you happy, and the best thing you can do for you is to not let the narcissist ruin your day when something really good happens for you. Don't talk about your money or other assets, she's probably trying to find some clever way to gain access to them.

If she can drain you financially, she will. If given your situation, I would never ever buy her anything. Don't spend any money on her, and if you already have, just stop because a narcissist will never be thankful. They are never truly thankful for nothing. Even if you were to jump through hoops or bring them the sun, moon, and stars, they will never be happy or even thankful. The narcissist will never appreciate anything you do for them though they may trick you into thinking they appreciate it but deep down inside, they're never satisfied with nothing you may do for them.

* You will never be able to reason with a narcissist either. No amount of talking will change a thing.

* They always want a better life than you. They want to live the highlife while you are left scraping and barely surviving. They will flaunt this at you any chance they have because they want a better life than you have.

The narcissist wants to have more than you and thinks they are better than you. I'm narcissist will never want their victims to have more than them. As soon as they find out one of their victims has goals for saving money, buying a home or car, the narcissist will find clever ways to sabotage your goals in some cases. This happened to me as I was trying to save for a car and each time I bought something from him, there went my car money. Each dollar I had in savings was my car money and it had to stop and fast. It may be sad, but I'm glad God finally took him out of this life because it probably only would've worsened had he been allowed to live. I don't know how many people he had already taken advantage of up till then or how many more he would've taken advantage of, but the problem would've definitely worsened and we don't know that peoples lives may not of been in danger because of the way he was talking at times. He definitely had a death wish anyway and wanted to set himself on fire at times but gladly it never happened. There were just ways he was talking that were very disturbing and given the chance, no one knows that he might not have actually carried out something with his mental condition. He was not even allowed to have a gun when there were laws about mental patients not being allowed to have a gun, and I'm sure many people were glad this particular person especially could not have a gun because we don't know what he may have done had he been allowed to have a gun. There are just some cases where some people just shouldn't have a weapon and he was definitely one of them. Yes, he was very dangerous. Combining narcissism, dementia and other underlying mental conditions, it definitely spells disaster and you don't need to be caught up in the middle of it. I personally would not even be involved with this person and would quickly disassociate with that kind of person because I'm careful what kind of company I keep just from my past experiences. I wouldn't do it in a cruel manner with the intent of being cruel but rather to protect my own self, my own sanity and well-being. Now is the time you really need to look after yourself and take care of you. Take care of your own needs and drop any and all toxic relationships and surrounding environments that just aren't healthy for you

Sunflo, your Mom and I were made from the same mold. Can't tell you how reassuring it is to find people seeking help for similar (or in our case nearly identical) struggles. I'm taking to heart your (and others') advice to step back and let Mom adjust. Every time I engage with Mom it reinforces negative connections she doesn't need; painful reminders of her losses. Sometimes, as they say, you have to be "cruel to be kind." And I'm learning to tell "fiblets" to satisfy Mom for the moment, since "for the moment" is essentially all she has. Thanks to you and all!

Also...you have a right to not answer your phone. My cut off time is 6:00...and that is for my husband and I to have peace and a break. If he calls I let it go to voicemail. If it's an emergency the staff will call me. Just because a phone rings you don't have respond...and my therapist agreed because answering every time just reinforces the behavior. When you don't answer, they get the drift. You can also silence your phone.

My dad is the same way. He's been negative my whole life and it's worse with his dementia so I sought outside help for his behavior. I agree with Rainmom. Best thing I've done. He's spiteful about being in a home for dementia patients but he loves it there. I hear all the time from my 5 siblings who has never helped with dad how worthless I am but I know I did what was best for him. Good luck and God bless you and your sister

Sunflo, I need to make a correction! Your mom and "my mom" were cut from the same mold, LOL!

I suggest a visit to a geriatric psychiatrist. You should state the facts-"my mother has early to mid stage Alzheimer's."

My mother refuses to see a psych Geriatrician. He is brown! She is very prejudiced & refuses to go out of town to see another Psychgeriatrician. My mother's memory is okay but her decision making is poor. She uses an iPad to send countless negative messages per day. She hates the Retirement Residence, the food & refuses to go to the many activities offered. My mother has been depressed since I was a child....it is just worse now. My sister & I have both been sick & we are exhausted with her...pain, loneliness, wanting to go back to her home (which has been sold), anxiety attacks, fear she has cancer, heart attack or stoke. My sister's & my life are miserable. We have been to Counselling. Nothing we do is good enough or she rejects it. We are so exhausted with her manipulation & constant demands. Our lives are h*ll. We have tried to visit less & ignore her messages but then she gets sick & is dying...so we respond. We're kind, caring & helpful to this woman. She is selfish & tries to pit us against each other but that will never work...we are close sisters. Our mother is medically well...just arthritis which is painful & rather debilitating...we could be in for living hell for years to come. We're trying to distance ourselves & hire help on our own dime. But she will fire the help.... we have tried everything...Docs, Nurses, OT, PT....she is non compliant to any meds or recommendations. Do we just live in h*ll?

I am so glad that you and your sister are close, and will not allow your mother to ruin that relationship!

Did counseling help? I suppose I could go to counseling because of my mother, but I'm not really interested in spending my money to probably just have meds pushed on me. I take enough meds, already. And many psych meds cause weight gain. I will NOT take them.

Besides, I already know the answer to my difficulties with my mother. Since I will not be persuaded to "put up, shut up, offer it up," my coping mechanisms are to get lots of physical exercise and to distance myself from my mother as much as possible.

My mother could use a geriatric psychiatrist because of her many anxieties. It was suggested by a neurologist. No way! My mother refused to consider it.  I brought this up to my mother's PCP, and her answer was that she doesn't like to put her older patients on those meds. Thanks (NO THANKS!), Doctor!

The PCP said that my mother needs "social support." When I just looked at her, she said that "someone" needs to check in with my mother every day to see what she needs. Again, thanks (NO THANKS!), Doctor! That would just turn into a daily list of what she WANTS (not NEEDS).

(And I still don't understand how this "social support" in the form of my mother giving me the Daughter-Slave my daily list of demands will help when my mother is paralyzed with a "panic attack" as my mother calls it. One time she was paralyzed for quite a while, until she finally eased herself down onto the floor and crawled into the bedroom to her phone to call me. Her life-alert button was in the other bathroom.)

Wow. I don't think I know how to answer ...but I am amazed how similar my situation is. Only my situation is mother in law and she does live with us.
She seems to focus so much on her needs that I feel like it crosses my boundaries ....that I desire. And respect that I desire. Don't know what to do.
For some strange reason reading others delimma help me. Sorry to say. But I can't believe others share the same . WOW

They need an audience - leave as soon as they 'go on stage' - tell them that you think your self-worth is high enough that you won't listen to any demeaning talk from anyone

We have a memory care facility in our neighborhood. Our church does services there each Sunday, as do a few other denominations. We also have neighbors "visiting" the residents there, esp the ones who seem to have no family.
Not ONE of the people I have met there felt they "belonged" there. Not one. I think that belief is pretty true in EVERY facility. It IS sad when the only safe/humane option for a loved one is a facility, but it often is.
Having said that--you and sister are WAAAAAY too involved with mom's care. She's likely paying quite a bit for services that you are taking her out of the site for--hair appts, meals, etc. You will burn yourselves out completely. AND mother won't care, as a narcissist never changes. You're never going to have her approval, sadly, and the harder you try to get it, the more she'll withhold. I'm not saying this to be mean, but to share with you what I have learned as the child of a totally self absorbed mother.
To others, she is "adorable" "sweetness itself" "amazingly thoughtful"--and yes, she can flip these qualities on and off like a switch. She can also turn around and say the most amazingly awful things about the person she just "conned".
I am still (age 60!!) trying to NOT let the bad stuff my mother says to me affect me.
Sometimes the only way to deal with her (and perhaps your mom, too?) is just to walk away, or as I put it, put myself in timeout. I will go a couple of weeks and not contact her. She doesn't even notice. She can't remember my phone number (same one, 38 years!!) and so she does not call.

You need some distance. She'll fuss and such, but please get some time to yourself. Talk to sis and be on the same page about how you're going to step back and stick to it.

I'll bet you she'll be making friends and trying to charm the staff if she doesn't have you two to pick on. At any rate--good luck.