HI There. I wanted to reach out for some advice on a family situation that had been very strained having a highly abusive and toxic mother.
I am 38 years old and my whole life - I have been emotional abused and on a few occasions physically abused. My extent of my traumatic childhood which I still suffer from today is a bit to extensive to type it all out on here. So I will give you a very small summary on here. My mother has carried a very strong hatred towards me since the day I was born - which I can only attribute to the fact that she developed a brain tumor shortly after I was born. It was only half removed, and grew back 5 years later when my sister was born. My mom developed bi-polar disorder/schrophrenic following this - and my whole life I have only known her to be toxic, emotionally abusive, not supportive, and hating on her 3 children.
Her whole life she has refused to work, and just expected my father (who has now passed on) to care for her. She expects the same with her children. Her decisions has led us to a very challenging situation and I am not to sure the way forward. And its put incredible strain on us three siblings that used to be close before.
As of the last year my sister no longer speaks to me because I refused to share the load and bills of my mother, as a result of how she continues to treat me. I gave my mother for warning of this previously but she continued to treat me the same way. I reached the point of enough is enough. I cant live a life feeling resentment and anger caring from someone that uses and absues me constantly.
Its added an incredible amount of strain on my sister who feels like she is carrying this financial burden by yourself which I completly get. Last night she told me how much she resentments and struggles to have a relationship with me as a result. My decision to stand by myself and protect myself and set boundaries resulted me in loosing my sister, nephew (whos only 2years) and brother in law. Ultimately I would have to pay my moms bills in order to have a relationship with them. I am having a very hard time with this and forced to just let my whole family go.
Morally i also can't come to terms with the fact that each of us have a choice and a decision in this matter. My mother treats us all awful. if my sister wanted to contribute that is okay. But her decision i feel shouldn't be thrown on me. We each have our reasons in this situation and I don't feel like mine should be disregarded or me being forced to do something I really don't want to do.
I would love to leave the past in the past - but the problem is my mother treats me exactly the same way still to this day. Its still very much my present situation.
I am in a rock in a hard place - and the only choices I have is to continue to supoort and enable an abuser in order to have a relationship with my sister and nephew.
What would you do?
If it is under a certain amount, she will also qualify for Medicaid and rental assistance.
You don't say your mother's age. Is she on Medicare?
Here's how you and your siblings can help mom without destroying your relationships with each other.
1) NO ONE financially supports her. No money from any of you
2) You all work together to get her in touch with a social worker. They will help her get housing in a subsidized assisted apartment that she can afford. They will also help her with homecare aides to assist her with ADL's.
3) You and your sibs have to be UNITED in all decisions that you make. All of it must be done as a democracy. Everyone gets a say and everyone equally divides the work and there will be a lot of work getting your mother into affordable housing and set up with services.
4) If your mother refuses to be onboard with any of it and just wants the situation to continue as her abusing her kids while they support and enable her, then all of you have to just walk away. Leave her to her own devices.
Your relationship with your siblings is more important than the one with your mother.
Surely, South Africa must have some kind of disability benefits for sick or handicapped people that are unable to work and support themselves. South Africa is a civilized country. There has to be some kinds of government-sponsored assistance for your mother.
You are not responsible for supporting her or providing her with a place to live.
As Burnt said there are options for Mom. With a brain tumor and BiPolar, etc, Mom should be getting SS Disability. As a widow, she can collect SS at 60 she just won't get as much if she waits till 67. 62 you get 75% of the 100% she would get at 67. She maybe able to get Suppliment Income, SSI. She can apply for Medicaid health. In my State besides healthcare coverage, prescriptions, dental and vision are included. If she has Medicare, Medicaid would be her supplimental. There are food stamps. HUD housing like apts. They ask for 1/3 of your monthly income. So if Mom gets 1000 she would pay a little more than $300 a month. The rest is hers to pay for electricity (at our HUD apts is a set amt) and cable if she needs it, There are ways around this. There are food closets. In my town they have Philabundance where fresh vegetables and fruit are given out. Government food once a month. In area United way had something to do with the distribution.
An appt with Social Services would be a good idea to find out what services are available to Mom. Also, Office of Aging should be able to provide you with resources.
I would wonder how BIL feels about supporting his MIL. Mom needs to be as independent as possible. And again, you are right about backing out. The problem is how did you go about it? Cold turkey or warning your sister that you will be done with Mom financially by a certain date?
Hope the information we gave helps you help your sister. Update us, we learn from each other.
My mantra- I am here to show people the way, not be the way.