We kids have worn ourselves out trying to make her home safe, but we get no appreciation, just comments like, "I didn't ask you to do that."
Spent 3 days+ clearing clothes, financial docs, adding safety items. I know letting go of things is tough, but most of the items we removed have not been used for many years. Just so exhausting. Finally had enough today, let go in anger. I know that was a mistake, but the stress of helping and not living nearby was just too much. I'm just not able to deal with the negativity and very little gratitude. She doesn't follow doctor's orders (oxygen, hearing aids). I'm so tired of expressing how important those things are. She used to be a kind, loving mother.
It is very, very hard but try not to take what she says personally. Look out for your own health and sanity. Know that those of us who have been there DO appreciate your caring and help even of your LO doesn't.
Mom is in Fort Collins and you in Castle Rock? Not too bad some are completely scoff the country and even the globe.
I bet you're not nearly so tired of it as she is.
Here's a little rule for you which will I hope will be a safety valve: never waste your breath telling her something you know she already knows.
90 miles might not seem far, but its far enough you don't jump in the car every time Mom needs something.
Just did a clean up at nephews while in the hospital. No it wasn't appreciated but State Coordinator is saying if he can't keep up on his health needs they may need to call APS. He also needs to use the HHA they send out. So between my DH and I we got the apt up to snuff. Now the aide just needs to maintain it.
:)
your message to OP is very sweet.
and
“Look out for your own health and sanity.”
i totally agree.
caring for LOs is incredibly stressful.
constant emergency/calm/peace/emergency/calm, etc.
——
reallly take care of your own health.
by health i don’t just mean, eat your vegetables.
health = whole range of happiness, your life
———
it’s really very stressful.
hugs & prayers from me, to us all.
i try to learn from my LOs’ emergencies:
i try to get something positive out of it.
for example:
work extra hard at keeping my health, my life, good…
…so that my LO didn’t have an emergency for nothing.
something good came out of it.
courage, everyone!!
bundle of joy :)
You feel: if I don't remind her constantly then she doesn't wear her O2 or her hearing aids and her brain will fall apart and she doesn't hear important information and she will die horribly and it's JUST STUPID not to take her doctor's advice.
I agree. Also, I must declare my own fault, I learned about this the hard way lecturing my mother from dawn to dusk, and what a waste of time and temper that was.
But it doesn't work! That's the thing. And it makes you miserable, and her.
She isn't going to go to the trouble of putting in her hearing aids just so that she can better hear you nagging her about the oxygen. I suggest a two-pronged approach to those:
1. Don't talk about it, just do it (or ask her aide to). When she dresses in the morning, after she has washed or showered, either offer her the hearing aids to put in or (if they're too fiddly, as they often are) pop them in for her - at the end of hair brushing, as part of that routine, is often a good moment. Assume she will agree and take it in your stride but if she says no, okay, that's up to her. Try again later, maybe after breakfast. Do not argue.
2. Incentives. Her hearing aids will work better if she does the work her audiologist probably advised her to, years ago, on "active listening." But, so, there needs to be something she positively wants to hear. It could be a favourite piece of music, or a morning hymn on the radio, or a nice voicemail from a grandchild, or a talking book. Make sure there's nothing else going on so that she can concentrate: hearing, listening, processing sound are all hard brain work, especially if those neural networks are in disrepair, so don't give her too much to do at once. The more enjoyment she gets from a short period of active listening, the more likely she is to agree that hearing is useful and worth the bother.
Then there's the oxygen. There are lots of reasons not to wear your O2 that you would agree are good if you had to do it. The cannula is an uncomfortable nuisance, making your nose and your ears sore. It's a faff. It doesn't actually make you feel great (don't forget, pure oxygen is toxic). And even though you can wander over the whole of an average house connected to your generator, it still *feels* as though you're tied to it and hampered.
Set against all that, the doctor's say-so doesn't cut much ice in the moment. Some clients are good at recognising when they need a top-up and a break, and manage it well; but with others you practically have to lasso them and tie them to a chair before they will stop and let you pop the cannula on. With one client, a dying former soldier, I was almost driven to drink because he was visibly on the verge of passing out *while carrying on* with his routine no matter how many verbal prompts I gave him. What did work was using his oximeter: when he started looking wobbly, I would put it on his finger, point to the reading and say sternly "85. Take a break, please." He wouldn't listen to me but he never argued with the numbers.
I suppose the key distinction to make is helpful? Not helpful? Whatever it is you're doing, if it isn't helping then stop. Try something different.