Hello, I'd like some advice on how to handle a difficult father. Most of the time he has been very supportive, he is extremely intelligent and logical, and I felt I could lean on him and him me.
My father used to live in Wales and has recently moved to the same town as myself and my mother (in the same block of flats as her) to be closer to family. We all felt this would be a good move due to him getting older and having a friendship with my mother they could support each other as friends only.
I have recently found that my dad has extremely high expectations of me. When he was moving, he had a date to see the flat and just announced he would be coming over on such and such a date and staying over, he didn't ask whether I had plans.
He did discuss with me regarding the move and when I was available. I drove 2 hours after a long shift to assist with his move the following day, the whole move was awful with lots of issues which I have tried to support my dad with. However, I've had to take a step back as my dad is not assisting and I have a lot of things going on in my life right now. I have started uni through work which is extremely demanding. So, I need to focus on this.
I had arranged to spend a day with my dad after my holiday, however the drive back took 6 hours so when I saw him, I simply said that I felt very tired and I was unsure whether I could do what we had planned, he responded saying that’s fine he is tired too so let's leave it.
Since then, I tried to rearrange our time together, saying I'd cook a meal for him, he responded saying let's sort it out closer to the time to save disappointment.
I felt quite upset about this as prior to the scheduled activity my father had previously let me down with regards to something we had planned, so I felt like he had very high expectations of me and my time but seemed blind to his own human failings. I said to him that I felt what he said was hurtful and that he had also let me down.
Since then, my father has given me the silent treatment. I started uni this week which is a huge thing for me and has been extremely tiring. He has not asked how it went or checked in with me at all.
My father has a history of giving silent treatment to people for days, months or years. Therefore, he has never been able to sustain a relationship. However, he has never done this with me.
I feel that this toxicity is not something I need to deal with, and the emotional abuse is something I should not have to deal with from my father.
He seems to have very high expectations from me, expecting me to never feel tired after full time work or uni and being available and present to help him whenever he needs it. Yet he could not offer the same back.
I don't know how to handle it. Now I'm just focusing on my studies and trying to put his actions to the side. But I do feel that this is affecting the relationship I had built with him, we had become close, and I feel as though I can't sustain that because it would have to be all on his terms, and if I did anything wrong, I would receive the silent treatment.
I have been feeling this overwhelming desire to move away to another town/City as I am feeling very stagnated where I am. I feel due to being in such proximity to my parents I do end up feeling I have to spend large amounts of my time with them. I don’t mind it but when the result of that is emotional abuse from my dad, it feels worthless.
I had posted in here before and found all the comments very useful and ultimately made a huge decision which has made me life much better.
So, I really value thoughts on this issue.
Maybe I'm in the wrong and should not have called my father out for his own failings.
Thank you in advance!
This is boundary setting. There are many good books out there about boundaries.
Good luck.
In a post back in May, you wrote about how difficult it was to have your mother live with you. Does your mother still live with you (above you wrote "in the same block of flats as her" but not "in the same block of flats as us")? I hope the wording means that she is in her own flat now.
Regardless, they will both be depending on you as they age more and more.
How is that you felt responsible for your mother when she moved in some years back. Are you an only child?
When did your parents get divorced? What are their financial situations?
Im not an only child but my sister doesn't see my mother very much. She keeps in regular contact but that's it.
My mum works full time and my father has a very good pension from where he used to work. They were never married and separated when I was 18months old. They remained very close friends but nothing more and never will be anything more. Apparently my dad gave mum the silent treatment when she was with him and that's untimely why she could never be with him.
Ive never experienced it from him before.
My dad always said he wouldn't want to be a burden but it's like he forgot those words
He is not in control of you or your time. It is not for him to have "expectations" of you or to decide what you do with your time.
I am going to suggest to you what I would suggest to anyone in your situation who is dealing with an aging parent. Especially an aging parent who sounds like a 'senior brat'. The silent treatment and pouting about it, very bratty.
Speak plainly to. Say exactly what you mean. If you are not willing to take on caregiving, say so. If you are not willing or able to be at an aging or elderly parent's beck and call 24-hours a day, proclaim this and make it crystal clear to them. If your father is unwilling to allow a talk about this then send him a letter and explain. My mother pulls this too. By refusing to talk about something no problem exists and it's business as usual. Nope.
SET BOUDARIES! Do not allow these boundaries to be ignored.
This is very important. So is learning how to ignore with love.
Many times when seniors move closer to their adult children or in with them (which I would never encourage), they expect the adult children to not only become domestic servants at their beck and call 24/7, they also expect them to become their social life as well.
This can never be allowed to happen because it never ends well and always harms the relationship.
If your father is behaving abusively in ANY way, shut him down. No one has to tolerate or live with abuse of any kind.
If he is not willing to abide by your boundaries and be reasonable, then you should certainly consider moving to another town if it's what you want. Caring from a distance also works.
Hi Tan. For 36 years I have always done my best to support you, show total interest in what you are doing, and be there for you despite all my own private difficulties. I could easily have walked away right from the beginning, due to the circumstances, as many would have done. However, I loved you as I always have done since and, against all odds at the time, wanted to provide a father’s support for you giving up many weekends for you, Ellie and your friends during the 20 years of your childhood. I have been there.
I wanted to provide a feeling of freedom for you (such as walking on the moors and horse-riding) from your Mum’s strict controls. I have been there.
Through the bad times I have been there.
Through college (providing supportive accommodation for the two preparatory years) I have been there.
Giving you money for Parsonage Road which was never repaid etc. I have been there.
I even slept under my table for seven weeks so the you would have somewhere to stay free of charge. I have been there.
As a nurse. E.g. during your difficult period with Mum. I have been there.
Sometimes at great sacrifice to me both personally and financially I have been there.
Recently, I have given you all I have to help finance your home and enable your freedom leaving me almost destitute in old age. I didn’t mind because you are my daughter and I thought I knew you.
Despite all the unforeseen stress of moving and with my health and other problems (e.g. I am 74 and am going for my fifth and a difficult 1 and ½ hour dental appointment today since being here – a one hour appointment last Tuesday and more dental appointments to come) I supported you both to Trafford and Sheffield (taking a lot of time looking up the route etc.) and took considerable time out to look after your cats and put up your lights for you.
I am greatly unsettled by crowds and city centres, especially during a period of stress. However, you know that, despite this, I said I would come with you into Sheffield town centre.
You then treated me awfully in B&Q causing me great distress by not letting me immediately use the loo for some time after I had told you my problem and afterwards walking off rather than giving me any help over my purchases.
Just a big sulk from you as things were not exactly to your liking despite how you were making me feel.
Apart from doing the minimum required and despite requests from me (which I have only ever made when desperate) I have had very little support from you during this enormously difficult period. I have made many exhausting trips to stock up from ALDI and walked my wardrobe to the dump piece by piece as I couldn’t afford the £20 Council Fee. I have moved all my furniture myself. It had become obvious to me that your sleep and the things you like to do take absolute precedence so I gave up asking for help.
Thank God Haidee really put herself out to help me despite all her problems and priorities. It would have been an absolute disaster with the removal otherwise with little other help.
Haidee came over to spend the day with me on Monday as it was our 11th wedding anniversary to make sure I had someone to share a meal with. The fact that she values me so much and has made sacrifices to support me (and has been checking up to see that I am OK) through a terrible time has helped get me through.
You have often let me down over the years when we have made arrangements both when I was in Gorton and in Llandudno when you have suddenly found other more important priorities.
I, finally, politely expressed disappointment about another cancelled walk (which I was particularly looking forward to after weeks of stress even though I was tired) and you just send me a nasty, untrue and very hurtful text.
You always hide behind this defensive attitude that you have done nothing wrong.
This is not the daughter I thought I knew. Partly my fault, I think