HI,
Only child here, father passed while I was in college, mother is 68. She currently resides in a SNF due to safety issues, such as fire hazards, and hygienic issues such as requiring prompting. I am married, and my wife and I tried homecare, I work longish hours and unfortunately much of the day-to-day care did fall to my wife. I took over and offered reprrive when I could on weekends, using FMLA, and paid caregivers. Fast forward two and half years and it caused massive strain on the marriage and our lives. I had a choice to make: wife or mother. I chose my wife.
It has been eight months, she has not adjusted very well to her new home. The selection pool was limited. To save my marriage, I needed her placed as soon as possible. Reasonably so, I was advised to not use my own income.
It is far from ideal, my mother is racist, stubborn, and selective in her tastes, genuinely a control freak. I thought placement would reduce my stress, and in some ways it has in others not so much. I get phone calls regarding my mother daily, she is still able to use a phone. I thought about taking her phone away, but they are understaffed and getting connected to her room was a hassle when we tried unplugging her room phone and taking her cell.
I try to visit, but it hurts. She is lonely and her friends will not visit her as they did at our home. She has been unable to make friends at her new home. When I visit, she begs me to take her home and it breaks my heart.
Yes, safety is the priority, and happiness is nice but sometimes not achievable. She is on medications that have made her more reclusive but have not waned her other behaviors.
It has gotten to the point I ignore the phone calls but I do not feel good about it. I barely sleep, not eating as much, things I use to enjoy bring me no joy. I am in therapy, but this choice has made me depressed.
On top of everything, my behavior has made my wife feel bad. She blames herself and that is not my intent. How do I get over this, I know it had to be done for the sake of my marriage and her safety. I get it she was much happier in our home, she was far more social. Her friends felt more comfortable to see her. I have begged them to go visit but they are against NH's and afraid of COVID. They do call her, which is another reason for the phone, but it is not the same. Given her desire to not want to stay, it has been strongly encouraged I do not take her off the grounds so she can hang with her friends.
She feels isolated and abandoned, I was told this was a possibility but did not think it would be this painful to see.
I hope those with more experience can better guide me. I have joined support groups, but they make me feel worse cause many of them pushed through. I feel as if I just gave up because it was too hard.
It is more challenging when Medicaid is involved but, very doable.
I would put her number on do not disturb for certain hours, then you don't know she is calling, she is trying to wear you down and she is accomplishing that.
For me, the decision to place my dad was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. There were many reasons why him living in my home were not possible, didn't make it easier, just necessary.
I visited often and I brought homemade goodies that could be shared with other residents. This helped him get acquainted and make friends. Between you and your wife you could do this a couple times weekly, around an activity, then introduce mom to people as they come up for a cookie or cupcake or berries or whatever you guys bring.
Unfortunately, sometimes we are dealing with all bad choices and have to choose based on the greatest number of people that are less harmed by the choice.
Was your mom ever a happy person? This makes a difference in how they adjust, IMO. I have found that happy people roll with life's waves, where unhappy people dig in and are going to be unhappy, come hell or high water.
Best of luck finding peace and balance in this new season. It's not easy.
She was both an unhappy and happy person. She did go through a string up bad luck and unfortunate circumstances. She has made the best of a raw deal and she was happy in our home. She had her garden, her dog, her friends, I guess you could say she did have a sadness about her even since my dad passed.
I did not know she could change from one medicaid placement to another. I will look into that, do I request help from case Manger or just do it myself?
im an only child and not so far in the journey, my dad is doing his first respite and been very upset.
i don’t think we’re ever prepared for these decisions. Seeing and hearing our LO upset is so hard. you and your wife cared for your mum for a long time, it sounds like you are all adjusting.
remember you can’t support anyone if you’re not well. Stick with your therapy, it helps from my experience, try little and often eating, take your wife for a coffee. Little tiny things like coffee and walks I think are easier to do when nothing feels great.
You said you feel guilty when others have pushed through. Every situ is different. Don’t compare yours and theirs.
as an only, I always think brothers and sisters in these situations have each other, but friends remind me that’s not the case. It’s often one that does it all.
it looks like your looking into another facility, I hope it works out. Hopefully as cases fall your mums friends will feel less fearful about covid and maybe a new facility will be easier to visit.
I wish you, your mum and your wife the best joon. Keep us posted - and enjoy that coffee with your wife,
I know this is not a unique situation. I hope maybe I can find a more suitable placement that she will find agreeable. I wish I could turn off her racist views cause I feel that is her more limiting factor to making friends.
I have been tempted to talk it over with my wife and see how she feels about me using my income to widen the pool.
I have tried using tools like a place for mom but they are private pay.
talk it over with your wife. she noticed you weren’t in the moment on valentines, she saw the calls coming in, she knows your mum is unhappy. Your trying to help the situation which includes your relationship so be open with her about what your thinking about re your mums placement.
I don’t know how your systems work I’m in the uk but I hope you find a way to navigate it all. Do you have a social worker? Or is that the case manager pcgadult talked about? Use the all resources you can for guidance.
take care
As for your mom being miserable because she is lonely and not making friends due to her viewing others as inferior because they don't have the same skin color as her, I think your mother still has things to learn on this earth before she leaves. Don't rob her of that chance. Give her the opportunities to learn that underneath our skin, we are pretty much the same. We all have feelings, we love, we feel pain, we feel joy and loneliness, etc. Your mom chooses to be lonely. Maybe one day, she will have a positive interaction with someone who looks different and it may help her begin to change her view. Give her the opportunity to grow.
"We don't agree with placing people in nursing homes so we're not going to visit her." SMH.
Look. ALL of this is not your fault. It isn't your fault your father died before your mother. It isn't your fault your mother developed dementia comparatively young. It isn't your fault that your mother has regrettable ingrained attitudes (which she is most unlikely to be able to adapt at this point, but she will not be the first racist staff have had to deal with). It isn't your fault that your mother didn't choose more rational friends.
Your mother can't live in the family home because she needs continual monitoring to be kept safe, and continual prompting to manage her activities of daily living, and the workload involved can't be done by one person or even by one married couple if they're also working. And THAT isn't your fault either.
Those people who pushed through... So. Good for them. But in this context especially comparisons are odious - there can't be any comparison. You don't know what their loved ones' needs were, you don't know what additional support they had, and above all if you'd been a fly on the wall in their homes you might have been less impressed by the quality of life the looked-after people were enjoying at the time. Maybe they do all deserve medals, and three cheers, but they aren't living your life and they aren't looking after your mother.
Feel better. Back in a minute, hugs