WE have POA's and executorships in place. Dad has a moderate dementia that increases every week, is disabled in that he cannot walk far unassisted after several falls, and is now a memory-care facility. The cost of this is rather high, as you know, and though he has savings, it likely be depleted paying for his care. He talked about selling his house and moving into a Senior Apartment before his mind started slipping, but he never did do it. We need to sell the house, not only to pay for his care, but to get his assets in the Trust. We, as a family, and having a hard time mustering what we need to do to talk to him about the selling of his old home. Please help us with suggestions on how to talk to him about this. We could sell it, legally, but we don't want him to feel as though we are doing something fishy 'behind his back.' Suggestions??
Assuming that it wasn't something that he dreaded, that he wasn't saying "over my dead body will this home ever be sold," then perhaps you could pick up the conversation where he left off and present it as the family's acting on his previously stated intentions.
Or you could just wait a bit, and then he really won't have a clue what's going on and there'll be no need to tell him anything; but I'm impressed that you want as a family, as far as possible, to include him in the decision-making process. I applaud the attitude: if it's possible to maintain it without distressing him, go to it.
You asked: "I still wonder how a highly educated woman that taught her entire adulthood into her 80th year, could develop this dirty disease."
And GardenArtist took at stab at explaining that this can happen as a result of conditions totally out of the person's control. That is just a fact. We've seen it again and again in posts. It is certainly not a criticism of you or of your Aunt. I've read the beginning of her post, which refers to your situation, three times and I cannot see any judgmental attitude or anything offensive. Did you think she meant that your aunt had no control over going to your home? No. Your aunt had no control over getting the "dirty disease." Surely you do not think that she chose to behave this way?!
Please, we are all friends here (well, mostly) and there is no need to rush to judgement and to tell people to "sign off." If you don't have anything nice to say, could you at least present your displeasure in a civil manner?
As VStefans observed, it was in fact not my intent to be negative but rather to offer an explanation how your aunt slipped into poor living conditions. And as she also observed, it happens to a lot of elders.
PS- I can still "debrief" from when we cleaned MIL anf FILs house out after she was in care and he passed away...it was nearly as bad as your situations, other than no pets were involved.
At the point that you know he won't be able to go into assisted living when he sells his home because he can't talk with you intelligently any more, then its time to take matters into your own hands. As for transferring the home into a trust, I would do that tomorrow if not sooner.
And I doubt that she chose that path willingly or with enthusiasm.
None of us really know how we'll handle old age and mental decline, even though we think we're prepared for it. Stress changes us in ways that we would never predict.
I have to constantly remind myself that people in this situation didn't choose it voluntarily and that compassion and understanding are more appropriate than criticism. Still, I find myself getting irritated when I find it and have to remind myself this could be me in 20 years.
Almarch, I think your father is entitled to be part of the plan to sell the house, if he's able to grasp the concepts and especially since he addressed the idea at an earlier stage.
I would choose the family member to whom he's the closest, spend a relaxing day doing something he enjoys, then gently raise the issue. I wouldn't do it as a family group; he may feel overwhelmed and pressured.
Tell him you've been thinking about HIS idea to sell the house, and have a potential solution that you'd like to discuss with him. Give him an opportunity to participate; some part of him is still there despite the dementia. Help him feel that you're acting on his idea rather than that the family is collectively viewing the sale of the house as something they must do.
If it upsets or confuses him, stop and reassess. If he's able to understand, gently segue into the issue as being part of his care plan that HE originally thought of to enable him to live comfortably going forward. And let him be a part of choosing what he wants from the house.
I know others will disagree, but I think he's entitled to have the choice to select which items he wants to keep. It may that there will be too many, and in that case, you can always agree to save them for him, store them in a garage or basement and gradually dispose of them without him knowing. But at least he doesn't feel as though you're going through his house and disposing of things he might still cherish.
You're testing the waters to determine how much he's able to participatae in the decision making and resolution process. If it seems overwhelming for him to consider disposing of his assets, offer to have the family do it for him, saving certain things like photo albums, etc. That way he doesn't feel as if the things he's accumulated and cherished are being removed from his memory bank.
If he doesn't understand, then at least you've given him the opportunity to participate. And it may actually be that he'll be relieved the family is handling the task for him.
Best wishes for a peaceful and successful project to help your father.
If you already have a Trust, you transfer the house as an asset into the Trust by retitling and recording the Deed, something best handled by an estate planning or elder law attorney. There's a specific statute (in Michigan) which is cited to avoid transfer taxes.
It would be retitled from something like "AlMarch, a single man", to "AlMarch Revocable Living Trust dated .....".
Other assets can be transferred into a trust through a Bill of Sale, also prepared by an attorney. Mutuals can be transferred by retitling, often with specific forms the mutual fund will provide. Bank accounts can be retitled with change of signatory accounts.
Perhaps you know all this - it's not my intention to insult your intelligence, but I just wanted to clarify that selling a house is not required to get the funds into a trust.