How do you tell your father he has to sit down while going to the bathroom?

I am posting my comment in this thread because it is the most recent, so tgengine is more likely to see it than in one of the older posts.

I happened upon one of your older posts from many months ago regarding "the sandwich generation". I read through the first few pages of comments, both others and yours, and skimmed the rest to see if you were making any real progress. From what I could read, rather than dealing with the issues, you were merely trying to change YOUR behavior and response to the various issues. On one level, this is good, because you cannot change other peoples behaviors, only your own. On another level, this will NEVER resolve any of the issues that you write to complain or ask about.

One or more people, including yourself, used the correct label - you ARE an enabler. THIS is what you need to change - it is good to not over-react to things that irk you, but nothing will change until you can STOP enabling others. As I had to instruct both my children, it is a wonderful feeling to lend a helping hand, however when they begin to bite the hand, then it is time to stop. A helping hand helps others get over some obstacle and promotes becoming self-sufficient. When you just keep helping them over the next hump, and the next and the next, you will NEVER get out of this spiral. THIS is where you are at. THIS is what you mostly need to work on changing.

I did a search on your user name and see that you have multiple posts here. I was mainly curious to see if the daughter and SIL ever got their act together and moved on... Quite clearly they have not, because your most recent post regarding your dad's toileting is within the last day and says.... "I can't even imagine the hall bath our daughter and her husband use with him (we dont clean that one)."

In addition to that issue, you posted 3 years ago "Dad moved in and I feel trapped" and "How do I handle dad trying to manipulate me?" as well as "Dad moved in and my house is starting to smell." More recently you post complaints about his difficulties with toileting, hunting, walking, etc. While I admire anyone who can handle the caregiving and provide a loved one with a home until the end, sometimes this is NOT the best way to go. From your posts that I have read, dad issues AND having the "kids" living with you and your wife has seriously impacted your well-being (and likely the wife as well). There comes a time when YOU need to say stop, I want to get off this merry-go-round.

YOU are enabling all this. Your dad should be in assisted living. If he passes the Medicaid test, that will pay for his AL (along with whatever income he does have, although not at all AL places accept Medicaid). This is NOT a cross that we must all bear. Some can handle it and it does not impact their life as much, but this is NOT true in your case. Much as it might guilt you, it would be best for ALL of you to make this move.

As for the "kids", WHY are they still there? They are NOT kids. They were not (and I will guess still are not) paying their way. If SIL cannot afford to pay you for the truck or its repairs, how will they pay rent or mortgage, even with a downpayment from you (WASTE OF MONEY DUDE!) They pay you nothing, but what do they have to show for it? There have been promises that they are working towards the "move" and/or "purchase", but have you seen any proof of this? You cannot just keep asking and hearing that they are working on it - demand proof. If they were doing all this, WHY are they still there? It has been long enough that they should have a nice chunk of money set aside. The BEST thing you could do for them AND yourself (and the wife) is to cut the umbilical cord (or as my dad called it, the imbecilical cord.)

Some commenters suggested setting the boundaries. You were going to work on that. Others said get the kids out, but that has not happened. You have not made progress on ANY of the issues you post questions about (maybe half-heartedly, but nothing that you and they have stuck to.) You say you want them out, but then back down and end up paying for things like truck repairs. You enjoy the time your dad is away, but then spiral down again when he returns. Clearly your heart is in the right place, but you are in over your head trying to care for him and provide a place for him. People suggested you set rules for things like helping out, trash removal, lights off, garage door closing - based on all I have read so far, I am also guessing none of this has changed. Yup, SIL made dinner tonight... sure, they walk around on eggshells for a bit after dad loses it, then it ALL slides back to the "normal", right??? RIGHT?? I've seen this too often. This.will.not.change.

If you want your former quiet home and sanity back, YOU MUST take action - not empty threats and words, or posting questions here - just draw your lines in the sand AND STICK TO THEM.

SAND Line #1: Set a deadline for the "kids" to move out (I use quotes because they are NOT kids and at their age they should already be self-sufficient - yes, I help my kids on occasion, but HELP, not ENABLE - there is a HUGE difference!!!) Rent, buy, sponge off someone else, it does not matter, just FIND a place and MOVE. Make it a short term line in the sand, no more than 3 months, where they will have to save up the front money and PROVE that they are saving it (have them give it to you for safe-keeping until the move.) To encourage this move you can start by cutting services like cable and phones - cancel the service, or if you need it for work, reduce it to the minimum needed and CHANGE THE PASSWORD. NO ACCESS. Move them, as suggested, to that office space in the basement - skip the privacy issue, it adds MORE incentive to MOVE. If they have a comfy cozy free space to live in, they will live there forever! Bet living down there would resolve the open garage door issue soon enough! Bottom line is they NEED to move on ASAP.

SAND Line #2: Find a place for dad. If he was a veteran, check out VA places - I've read some are quite nice. Work with an Elder Care Attorney to see if dad can qualify for Medicaid to help offset a facility or in-home care. At the least, while working on finding a place and funding, you could have someone come in for personal care for dad and cleaning up for him, rather than having to come home to urine all over the place. Medicare or Medicaid might pay for some for this, if dad will accept some personal care help (more showering???) VA benefits might provide some in-home assistance as well, while you research places for him to live. Day care places to get him out of the house during the day is another option to consider to make working at home a little easier for you. Meanwhile, given all the issues he has, and the impact on the home front, I really think it would be best for all to find other accommodations for him.

I know this all sounds harsh, but again, you have been whining about your issues for some time now (years). We can make suggestions and offer advice, support and commiseration, but if you really do not act on these, what is the point of you posting here? Your posts are more like a cry for help, but then you do not act on the help provided. We cannot make the changes for you, we can only offer support and advice. My advice is TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE!

Yes, the guilt will kick in, especially for your dad. You'll get over it. Yes, there is fear of losing relationship with your daughter, however you are NOT doing her any favors by enabling their "life-style." IF she gets testy about it, she'll get over it. If both are employed and not contributing anything for their current living situation, WHERE is all their money going? If given the ultimatum to move on, she may eventually realize that she is with a dead beat who will never amount to anything (which he sounds like from your posts.) Until the safety net is removed, that will not happen. Or they could both smarten up (I would not hold my breath on that!) Until you draw those lines and stand by them, nothing will change for you.

You can continue to post all you want here, it is a free country. But in the end YOU have to make the changes that will make these issues go away (just keeping your cool is not solving the problem, and will eventually just build up until you explode!)

I was a little bit blunt (OK, more than a little) because even I am ticked off at your father TG, I sense blunt wording is the only language that might get through to him. You first mentioned this quite a while ago, have you really not brought the subject up at all before now?

I'm curious Hugemom, why wouldn't he just pee all over the bench?

Cwillie is right, but I'm not sure I'd take exactly that approach. My hubby did the same thing, and I'm sure HiS big belly got in the way as well. He ruined 3 floors of tile and the dreaded bathroom carpeting. I know he felt emasculated by having to sit because he is of the age where "real men stand up to pee". Imagine after a life of sitting, someone told you that you have to now stand. What worked for me was to remove the toilet seats and get raised benches with handles. They make them in bariatric sizes and they have nice tall handles. That way he has no choice.

I'm trying to think how I told my husband, but I didn't. He just decided on his own that it was better to sit. Maybe your Dad's reaction won't be as bad as you fear. Good luck with this distasteful task.

Eye site if fine, Have a chair height toilet, totally enough room..... upstairs has a grab bar (put in for my Sister in law when she was with us). Guess I just have to do it that way.... Ugh, hating this position.

"Dad, you're p!$$ing all over the floor every day and it has to stop. We're tired of cleaning up after you and it is ruining the floor. Plenty of older men sit down when they have to pee, it's no big deal!!"
Make sure he has an elevated toilet seat and a sturdy grab bar to make things easier.

BTW, how is his eyesight, could it be that he doesn't realize he is missing the target?