Follow
Share

We were told my mother had Alzheimers a couple of years ago and she's now mid-stage. My brother and I agreed not to tell her at the time. She now has a caregiver (we call her a companion) four days a week for a few hours a day and we are upping it to five days a week. She is quite angry; knows she is forgetful but doesn't have a clue as to how much; and is now quite angry about the extra hours and says she doesn't need a babysitter. I'm looking for opinions to be frank about her Alzheimers, as a way of more explanation to her. Of course, she'll probably just say we're lying. Thoughts or ideas anyone?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing

23 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
Ok will do,thank you talking it out helps me a lot, i didn't know what to do, ive never had to deal with someone in this condition. I now give credit for everyone who cares for a love one.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Hmm ... going outdoors half-dressed kind of sounds like "a danger to herself" to me -- how about you? Driving after she has been denied a license in another state and a doctor has told her not to sounds like being a danger to others, don't you think? She is definitely a nuisance to her neighbors, if not an actual danger.

So, yes, call the dmv.

And also call APS, please. If nothing comes of that, well fine, but at least you have made an attempt to help the poor lady.

The son may be right that he doesn't have the authority to insist that she go to a care center. He may be doing the best he can. But it isn't enough. Let APS investigate.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Jeannegibbs: thank you for your help, i have talked to the son and he said he can't put her in a home until she is a danger to herself or others and that he can't have her at his place. I agree with you on the driving thing. So do i need to contact dmv im just afraid she might kill someone. Sincerely stressed26
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
How kind and neighborly of you, stressed26, to help this woman out from time to time. I think many kind people might help out if they were in your spot and they could.

But offering to take her to an appointment now and then is one thing. Taking middle-of-the-night phone calls is way beyond neighborly.

Beyond the very earliest stage, persons with dementia should not drive and should not live alone. It is clear your neighbor is past the early stage.

Could you have a heart-to-heart with her son? No blaming, no accusations, no telling him what to do. You just want to share some observations with him.

If that falls on deaf ears, of if it is not feasible to have a serious talk with him, then I would call the APS and report your neighbor as a vulnerable adult who is not getting sufficient care.

At this point she should probably have at least in-home help, and more likely needs a care center. This is not your problem or your responsibility, but I do think the kind thing to do is to bring it to the attention of someone who is responsible, such as her son, or Adult Protection Services.

Please let us know how this works out. We learn from each other.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Hello people, ok my next door neighbor moved in six months ago. Her son did let me know she has Alzheimer and dementia which she doesn't know. He moved her here from another states so she could be closer to him, well he moved 30-45 minutes away and left her here with no one. I once went with her to the doctors because she can't fill out the paper work she gave me her copies of past doctors and one paper said the doctor from her old state said she is not to drive and he would let the dmv know well she move here and our state gave her a license I have drove with her once and she is bad at driving her son won't take away keys cuz he said he would have to drive her everywhere and he has a job and life and can't do it, so I started driving her she was used at first but knew I wouldn't get in car with her, well she asked Dr for pain meds Dr said no, she told doctor she wont be going there again. Mistake of me I gave her my phone number she calls me between 1-5am turned my phone off at night. She knocks at my door all the time for every little thing when I don't answer she keeps coming back until I open the door. She sleeps all day and up all night. She cries to other neighbor if I can't do something right then for her, she comes outside with just pj top on nothing underneath and I tell her she can't do that, sometimes she talks like a baby, she forgets alot like a fan she can't remember the words, so much more I just can't keep going on, Sorry so long story about her, my question is how do I stop her from coming over all the time, I don't mind checking up on her but sometimes I like being home alone with quite. Also am I a bad person for saying this? I dont know what else to do, i am handicap and trying to take care of myself, Please someone help me. Thank you for any help
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
As MJKinLAN said, her mom thinks that she'll know when it's time to start validating what may be technically untrue or "glossing over" the issue. Part of that is because her mom has been through the caregiving routine for Alzheimer's. Much of it is about the stage a person is in.

Many people can not only grasp that they have the disease but they want a diagnosis - they want to put a name on what is happening. That is generally in the earlier stages. In the later stages the story is often different. Why keep telling a person that they have a disease when they can't remember the fact and they must repeat grieving.

So, yes, every case is different. However, stages enter into the decision. If the person becomes upset and agitated or goes into denial when told about the disease (repeatedly) then I'd say it's time to just be kind and move on.

This goes back to the saying that when you've known one person who has Alzheimer's you've known one person who has Alzheimer's. Flexibility is a requirement for caregivers - that's about the the only constant.
Take care, Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Mom has Vascular Dementia. She was the primary caregiver for her husband and lived with his struggles with Alz for 6 years before he passed. She lived it, she knows.

I'm am 100% honest with her about her disease, as is her physician, and she's always been incredibly grateful for our honesty. I've asked her if she'd rather I gloss over things to ease her anxiety and she said no. "I'll know when you are avoiding the topic, I know something is wrong with me. I'd much rather know what's happening!!" The truth seems to ease her anxiety more than "playing along."

That said - we all know everyone is different. I know that what works for her might not be right for your mom. But if I were in her shoes, I'd want to know too. Having some kind of explanation for all these rapid changes has eased, not increased, my mothers anxiety; she doesn't think she's going crazy anymore.

Best of luck finding a good solution. Caretaking is all about "on the job training" adapt to her changes, go with the flow, figure out if she'd feel reassured to know there is a medical reason WHY things are so different for her. If you decide to wait until she probably won't understand, you could be waiting a very long time and may be creating more anxiety for her that simply telling her she has a diagnosis of ALZ and that you are here with her and you are going to get through this as a team.

Mom and I make a great team :)
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
No, if she has Altz she can't possibly absorb or understand and handle it from there. Hope you have a POA to make things easier. Everyone is different, but don't confuse her further in her disease.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I meant to say that she's never been formally diagnosed.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
It depends on the person, and their own particular personality, as well as what stage they are when they're diagnosed.
I'd certainly want to know, but to my MIL, who is a former college professor and who prides herself on her intelligence, it would be a terrible blow. MIL has some kind of dementia that causes her to be very forgetful, and to repeat herself over and over, and to fly into rages, but she has been formally diagnosed. She insisted one day during a phone call with my husband that the doctor told her she had spinal meningitis, and that's why she was so forgetful, but when we saw her the next day, she denied ever having said that. Her new story is that she's suffered a lot of concussions from cracking her head against the windshield as a result of refusing to wear a seatbelt (she used to insist that she'd be "thrown free" in the event of an accident, which she was: she was thrown free, right into the windshield.)
One of her friends has advanced Alzheimer's, and she is frightened of becoming like her friend, so she's burying her head in the sand and refusing to be tested. That's her choice.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Your response was perfect, Dee! Please keep in touch on Agingcare. You'll get a lot of support from people who know because they have been there or currently are going through what you are.
Take care of yourself, too.
Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
How ironic..this came up with my Mom and I just yesterday....She read the brochure that came with her additional Alzheimers medication and she definitely refused to accept it...she said I DO NOT HAVE ALZHEIMERS !!! Then she pointedly asked me if she has it ...after a second of panic, I said as calmly as I could, " Mom, just take this new medicine it will help you feel better...this medicine is for alot of different things and for your memory, but you will feel better in a little while..." then, as quick as she was to react to be, then she said "ok, ok" and that was it !!! But I still feel like I chickened out, but at the same time I felt it was for the best, My Dad is a heart patient, and he does not need any extra stress than he already has with my Mom...I don't know what is going to happen but another reason that I said what I said is that my Aunt, her favorite sister-in-law who she was very, very close to died less than 2 yrs ago from Alzheimers...my Mom and Dad visited her in the hospice (which I did not agree to her doing-Mom was already diagnosed with Alzheimers) and needless to say my Aunt was in bad, bad shape who didn't even know my Mom anymore...I didn't say anything and bit my tongue but just hope that Mom doesn't realize she may become the same way...I get mad from time to time because this is such a devastating and robbing disease...find a cure !!! People's last years shouldn't be spent not knowing their families and other loved one !!! Maybe someday...just love, cherish, respect and protect your loved ones....
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Hi all - Just an update - we never have told Mom that she has AD. A hospital employee let her read a page that said she has it and it was horrible for an hour until after she had the procedure she was there for. Once she came out of anesthesia, she didn't directly remember, but a sad demeanor followed her for several days. It won't happen again. In spite of that, she still thinks she only has a little forgetfulness. Oh, and she loves the caregiver now!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
We've told my Grandma she has dementia. She'll ask sometimes about why she can't remember things and we'll talk about her having dementia. She's pretty calm about it and seems to be okay with us talking to her about it. We basically describe it to her as dementia is something you sometimes get when you get older and it causes her to have trouble remembering things. But we tell her that's why we're here to help her when she does forget. We also encourage her to use a little notepad beside her chair to write things down when she thinks about it. She'll tell me that she wants to ask my dad something later when he comes over, so I'll tell her to write it down in her little notepad and then when my dad comes over, I'll remind her that she wanted to ask him something and she'll take her book out and have it there. She also was having trouble remembering where my Grandfather is buried, so she wrote it down in her book so when she asks, I can remind her to look in her book. It helps that it's in her handwriting I think.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
my mother was dx'd with dementia last summer and i would have probably discussed it with her within a matter of days, when she asked to know, or some other appropriate time. i didnt have that option cause my efftarded sister and niece were blurting it at her as soon as she achieved conciousness. mom looked at the niece standing beside her bed and told noone in particular to get this tugboat out of here. an hour later she punched my sister in the gut. those two dont seem to understand " timing " ..
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
We did tell my mom at first 3 months ago and she went with it, but now she says Alzheimer's phooey. In fact, she is now denying that she even has it, so I am not it is even worth the effort to tell your loved one they have Alzheimer's. My mom forgets things and won't even admit that she is forgetting.

Just a different viewpoint. My thought process is do what you feel is best, your parent may or may not except it.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
My Dad has known he has dementia since he was given the diagnosis of Alzheimer's Disease. He admits he has the disease. He also has tendencies to use the fact the he has AD as an excuse for various behaviors. If he acts out in a way that he shouldn't, or does something he knows he shouldn't, he'll say that its not his fault, he has Alzheimer's. So he still has that thought process!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
One of the ladies my dad hired to help out at home told mom she had dementia and my mom got so mad! Now we just tell her she's getting older and its just what happens to people as they get older. She usually agrees with what we tell her ( on her good days)
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
When I first found out mom had Dementia I didn't tell her. I would give her this one pill for dementia and she ask what it was for I told her to help her memory. Then one day at the Dr. he ask me in front of her about her dementia. He was a new Dr. When we left mom just said so that is what is wrong with me I have dementia. She was scared but I told her I would always be her for her and take care of her and she seemed to except it.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Thank you all. We are still sitting on a very large fence with this one and don't yet seem to be tipped on the telling side although it's not out of consideration. She has been so happy and pleasant up until now, so we are concerned about the recent black mood never going away if we do tell her. One day at a time...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I agree with Carol and Jeanne. Depending on the personality of the person, the reactions to a diagnosisof Alzheimers/Dementia are varied. My MIL had advancing Alzheimers, but we never called it that. I did tell her she was experiencing severe memory problems and would always follow with the fact that it is very common at the age of 90 to be experiencing these symptoms. She seemed to react well to this kind of reasoning and it made her feel not quite so alone in this memory loss. Of course, she knew in her heart what was happening, but denial is common - and I will probably want to deny it as well if it happens to me. But when you explain the certain things they are forgetting, it seems to help. Patience and a sense of humor about it all does help too.

If she thinks you are lying, what of it, it could be her way of denial. Take care.

T
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I agree with Carol that sometimes people are relieved to know why they are having the symptoms they are having, and to know that everything possible is being done for them.

I am very glad that my husband knows and accepts that he has Lewy Body Dementia. We can both direct our frustration at our mutual enemy, Lewy.

But there are no one-size-fits-all answers when it comes to dementia. Will your mother remember tomorrow what you tell her today? Will she argue against it not just today while she is absorbing the shock of the news, but day after day? Will the message inspire her to be more cooperative or more rebellous or to give up altogether? You know your mother and you know what she is like at the current level of the disease. You and your brother need to apply what you know, and make a decision in love.

My husband was an engineer. Actions and consequences, cause and effect, measurable data is what he has worked with all his life. I cannot imagine not telling him what is going on in his own body. My mother, on the other hand, has used selectve denial as a coping mechanism all her life. My sisters and I cannot imagine using the D word or Alzeheimer's in front of her. Why cause pain?

Bless you for caring and trying to do the right thing. Accept that sometimes the "right" thing is unknowable. Do your best; act in love. That is all any of us can do.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
My belief is that people are often relieved that there is a reason for the changes they sense. You can't go back, but you can take action now. I'd let her know exactly where she is in the disease process.
Tell her that you will do everything to help her get along well. Expect her to be angry. Make sure her doctor is doing whatever can be done when it comes to medications. She'll be changing with time, so keeping in contact with the doctor is important.
I like the idea of calling the caregiver a companion. Use respectful terms and try not to argue. Arguing will get you no where. Sometimes you will just have to let her be angry until she gets over it. If you can distract her, that's good of course, but if you can't, let it go. Good luck. This is never easy.
Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter