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My dear granny was put to rest about a week ago. The funeral service was terrible, everything seemed rushed. When the casket was placed in the hearse, most family members walked to their cars in the parking lot to follow the hearse. Not even 7 minutes had pass and they were gone. Only 5 cars were able to follow. Everyone got lost and used their GPS to drive to the cemetery. Upon arriving I asked the driver what had happened. I was upset as I had rushed reaching a speed of max 84mph in the highway and still didn't catch up. She said that before leaving she had clearly stated we would need escorts for more than 5 cars and that we had choose not pay for escorts. I told her I was not aware of this and her answer was "It's common sense" in order to avoid traffic incidents. My sister and cousin later explained the funeral home had initially stated more than 10 cars ( I didn't know this info at time of discussion). I told her I don't go often to funerals to know this common sense she was talking about and she said "This is not a funeral". She then asked in an annoyed and inpatient tone if we were "ready to start or not" (the burial) I told her a group in a single car was lost and her answer was "are they immediate family members?". At that point I was near tears not only because of my grief but also anger. My cousin who was able to follow said she was driving at a speed of 90 mph in the highway and driving the yellow lights in the streets- no wonder most of us could not catch up. My grandma didn't deserve such service and it saddens me we couldn't traditionally follow her. I would like to formally complain, how should I go about it?

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Sorry for your loss. In New Jersey there are always a procession of cars where each car has a placard of the word “FUNERAL” which is placed on the windshield and these cars follow the hearse to the burial ground. It’s very unprofessional if this is the way this funeral home does their business. Perhaps the funeral home did not know that this incident happened, so the first step you should take is to report the incident to them. If the funeral home is rude to you when you report the incident then you should do as advised on this forum and call the BBB and if possible your local TV station and let them investigate the funeral home.
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ineedsupport32: I am sorry for your loss and send deepest condolences. You could let the director of the funeral home know of your displeasure.
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As has been said, Yelp and others. It's surprising the number of people who check aggregator sites before using vendors. (Although if Grandma had prepaid funeral expenses, then that's not so much a possibility.) But if nothing else other people would be warned in advance.
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I don't know who to complain to about the funeral home but I would let them know how bad they were. Maybe later when all is settled down you can all get together and have a graveside service where everyone can visit and remember your grandmother.You can have a person from your religious organization to come and say a few words over the gathering. This might give your heart the closure you need. My brother did this for his wife after she passed and it was a nice way for everyone to have the time to morn or rejoice in the life she had.
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I do believe that each state has some kind of a head organization overseeing all funerals in the state - not sure who or what the name is. Why not secretly call other homes and determine whom should be contacted on a much higher level. You can also call your local library. Depending on how that goes, why not contact the local media - television station, newspaper, etc. Get a story to go public. I did this years ago for someone who was being horribly harassed and beaten down without any justification. They ended up doing a five night story on television in the entire metropolitan area - problem solved - she was never bothered again. Believe in the power of the media.
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It’s so heart wrenching to have to say good bye to a beloved Grandma. You need everyone to be able to join together for strength and comfort. What this company did was thoughtless. There must be a better way, after all, everyone there just wanted to show their respect.
How about give everyone a print out of where they are going and the time the service would begin? Make it a reasonable time so people could drive at safe speed and not take chances.
I don’t know much about what they call “ social media” — actually isn’t this forum social media? — but can you use it to give them a bad review? People take reviews seriously.
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There are lots of good answers here about addressing what has already happened. May I suggest something that may help you move forward? It would be a very nice thing for you, your sisters and some other family and friends who love/d your granny to have another ceremony, a celebration of her life. If there are only a few who would participate you could meet at her graveside, but it may be better to choose a place she particularly loved. Keep it simple. Meet together, put some flowers or other remembrances in the center of the group. Exchange stories about your granny, why you loved her, how she helped you. I suggest you do this on a nice day in spring or summer. If her birthday happens to occur in that time frame, that would make a nice date. Otherwise pick a date that seems good for some other reason. The real point will be to make a time to remember your granny in a way that makes you feel that her life has been appreciated and that her death has been respected. I think this may help you a lot. You can process your grief better if you have time to honor and respect the person who has died. Give yourself all the time you need.
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You could complain to the manager of the funeral home. You could also contact the state…not sure where you are, but funeral homes are usually watched over by the state. You could also file with the BBB.

However, when complaining to the state or the BBB, you need specifics of what rules they violated…not just that they weren’t clear or were rude. The manager may offer an apology, but really, what do you want them to do?

Personally, you may be better off honoring your grandma in a personal way of some kind and then letting it go. Face it, there’s nothing that will make you feel better.
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ineedsupport32 Feb 2022
I don't expect any money back and that is not what I am seeking. But I am hoping her attention is called. I also have a job and there have been times in the past I've been called to the office and reprimended. This has put me in place and my mistake or misunderstanding never repeated. It has made me reflect and admit I've been wrong at times and I am truly sorry afterwards.

I don't know if she will get called at, if she will feel bad, that will be up to her but at least I get it out my chest and let them know how she made an already gloomy day worse.
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CWillie, that's interesting.   I've been to a lot of funerals, and every one was well managed as far as parking in the lot, assembling for the drive to the cemetery,   Sometimes those at the head of the line moved out onto a neighboring street so all the other cars could get into the procession from there through to the cemetery and end of the burial activity.   

And sometimes it was a bit of a lengthy wait, up to about 15- 20 minutes, until everyone was assembled, and no one (except staff) was still in the funeral home.   It was only then that the funeral cars departed and people were left to stay around, visit, and leave when they wanted to.

As I remember, traffic lights were ignored once the procession began.   And others on the street at the time honored the procession; no one cut in, no one interfered in any way.   From my experience, it seems there was a lot of respect for funerals.
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cwillie Feb 2022
Yeah, that hasn't been the norm here for several decades. I live near a rural cemetery that abuts a busy route to nearby beaches, on summer weekends if police weren't hired to block traffic I've no doubt even the hearse would have difficulty getting there.
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Sorry to say, but the funeral home is right. If the funeral is expected to be more than ten or twelve attendees, the family has to pay for escort service to direct them. In my state they normally hire off-duty police officers but there are funeral homes who contract with private security firms when they need escorts. That's not part of the funeral package. That's extra.
The funeral home you used might not be such a great one, but as for them hurrying things along, sometimes they have to.
My friend is a funeral director and I can remember her saying that families often have to be hurried along a little especially at the cemetery because their funeral might not be the only one of the day for the funeral directors or the cemetery. The families sometimes take this as rudeness and unprofessional.
As for who to complain to, that depends. If you used an independently-owned place then you'd speak to the owner. If you used a chain-operated one, ask for who is the manager and complain to them.
If your experience with them was so bad, you may want to try filing a suit in small claims court to sue for damages. That could be a possibility.
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ineedsupport32 Feb 2022
The person we spoke to and who happened to be the one who drove the hearse had stated 10 or more cars would need escorts. We were less than 10 cars. On the day off, she gave instructions to us to have our emergency blinkers on, a funeral placard on our windshield and to follow closely along. Their staff would help us align. It happened that to 2 or 3 cars were already aligned when she started and took off. The rest of us still getting into our cars in the parking lot. On the highway she was speeding at 85+ mph per what my cousin who was able to follow stated. Never in my life have I seen a funeral procession going at that speed.
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I haven't read any of the other replies. What I can tell you is that in my experience funeral processions are generally the norm only in small towns or when the cemetery is just a block or two from the church or funeral home, for safety any other situation usually involves meeting at the cemetery. I'm sorry that wasn't made clear to you.
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Complain to the manager of the funeral home. Also place reviews on Yelp and Google. Seems that the person you talked to should not be allowed to have contact with family/friends at the funeral service.
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My condolences on the loss of your granny. Your story reminds me of my uncle’s procession. As a veteran, he was to be buried in a national cemetery some distance from the funeral home. We were all told in advance to “keep up” when we got to the tollway and not to stop for the tolls as the funeral home would take care of it. Ran 75+ mph barely keeping sight of the car ahead of me. Imagine our surprise months later when all of us out-of-towners received notices from the state that we owed in excess of $100 each for failure to pay toll fees. Calls to the funeral home got us nowhere, so my uncle’s daughter paid all the fees on her toll pass (we were told they dropped the fines?). Crazy.
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YELP
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You could also complain to the National Funeral Directors Assn., if you can determine if this funeral parlor is a member.

https://nfda.org/
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My mother died after a long term in a local SNF.

I was working a terrible schedule and had requested that if the passed after midnight, I NOT be called until 5 am, and under my special circumstances, my request had been granted.

So the phone rings at 2 am, and of course I knew instantly that she was gone.

Then the mortician says, having been told previously that she was to go to his facility, “I have to know if she’s really comin’ to us, because I got ‘em hangin’ from the rafters here. I won’t pick her up unless you consent right now.” (It’s 2:10 and we hadn’t considered any place but his).

I go next day to arrange for the VERY simple graveside ceremony, and after the basic preliminaries he says “Will you be bringing clothing for the burial?” She had been bed bound for about a year and a half- no street clothes of any kind.

I asked if I could buy a shroud there. He responds “WAS SHE JEWISH??”

So I brought a simple gown that wasn’t at all funeral-ly, and there was to be no service anywhere, least of all open, so OK.

Off to the cemetery, about 6°, and no hearse in sight. Waiting waiting waiting……and then, ripping around the old narrow cemetery roads, THE HEARSE, tires screeching and barely missing the headstones on little lanes.

As luck would have it, there were some husky youths in our family, and after she was wrestled out of the hearse, Grandma was placed gently into the grave.

SHE WOULD HAVE LOVED IT, and I OFTEN THINK she probably did. She had a Very dark, sharp sense of humor, and she would have laughed herself to tears at all the high jinx surrounding her departure.

Your granny was without doubt Safely At Home, and her most serious concern might have been that you had to race so dangerously to get to her.

When we tell the story, and we often do, it brings both a chuckle and a tear. She was the eldest of five beautiful sisters, and the youngest, and last of this amazing family will be leaving us soon.

I hope that you will soon be at peace, enrobed in affectionate memories of your granny, and may those memories soon replace the annoyances that accompanied your parting.
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Isthisrealyreal Feb 2022
This is where people get the saying, "She'll be late to her own funeral."

I would be tickled if something like this happened to me. I like to drive fast.
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I live in a small area but have been to a number of funerals. I have never heard of escorts. We have needed to use an interstate to get to a cemetery a half hour away. The hearse goes the speed limit. The cars following use their flashers so all are aware its a funeral procession. Its courtesy not to cut these cars off. The hearse driver shouldn't be going so fast the procession can't keep up.

I would complain about the service you received. Sounds like the lady was in a rush. Like I said, I live in a small town and most of the residents use the same funeral parlor. So, the funeral director makes sure everything runs as smooth as possible.
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sending you my deep condolences regarding your grandmother.

yes, definitely complain.
awful, and total lack of compassion from that woman.

...get it off your chest (write the complaint)
...they deserve to receive a complaint
...and mayyybe things will change in the future; maybe not; but you tried (you did the honorable thing to try to change things in the future, for other people) (you did the honorable thing also, to stand up for your grandmother, who deserved better)
...maybe they'll apologize

1 thing that's useful sometimes, is to make the complaint more public:
...if it's just emailed to 1 or 2 people, they can just ignore the email/complaint
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Here is another place you might complain to.
Department for Consumer Affairs for Cemeteries and Funeral Bureau.

https://www.cfb.ca.gov/about_us/who.shtml

I am sorry for the death of your grandmother.
Hugs
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Leave them a review on Yelp and Google. That will reach far more people than complaining to their boss will, but do complain to the boss as well.

I'm sorry they treated you like that. Debating as to whether it was a funeral or not was completely irrelevant, and it sounds like the driver was just being a jerk. If people were driving 90 mph and not able to catch up at all, that tells me the hearse driver was not driving the speed limit with their precious cargo. That's worth mentioning to the boss.

Yes, a funeral procession of any length does require a police escort, because they have to stop traffic so the cars can all follow along. Everyone has to make every light, or they'd be waiting forever for people to catch up. However, there should be a scheduled time when the graveside service is to begin (give or take 5-10 minutes), and folks need to be there by that time. Counting on being able to convoy to the cemetery is never a good plan. You have to know how to get there on your own.

I remember missing the graveside service of a beloved aunt many years ago, because I got left behind in the convoy and had no idea where the cemetery was. This was before GPS or cell phones, so I rolled in as the service was breaking up. There's no excuse for that to happen now, though.
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