Zero contact from “Number 2" son since June 2019.
"Number 1" son informed of her January hospitalisation, discharged 1/14/21.
All details included of what went on.....Main problem, blood clot in heart. One word reply..."Thanks”.
Second visit to hospital per home health care nurse, very low O2. Sent home on permanent O2.
Never called Mom since.
Mom called number “1” today, first contact, 2/5/21.
Number “1” apparently encouraged her to call number "2".
Said she would do that.
I have handled everything on my own since 7/22/18.
The brothers do not speak to me at all. I moved my 85 year old mother away from her 94 year old boyfriend in 2018......how did I dare do that......???? She said to me in 2018 while I temporarily lived with her and elderly boyfriend, “You aren’t leaving here without me!”
So, since 2018....I’m it.
Responsible for single handedly:
1) Packing and moving her belongings 800 miles.
2) All changes involving new doctors, medications, banking, lawyer, etc.
3) Responsible for all daily care of Mom.....due to increasing dementia. You can imagine the downside if you live this.
The bowel movement messes are probably the worst.
But then again, the nonstop fetching can give more back pain then you ever imagined.
Well....I am the caretaker.
Mom contacted number “1” son. She may contact “2” son.
She is almost 89.
I can’t put myself in her shoes.
I am resentful.
God......tell me what is the right thing to do.
You are not going to change them. So just let those feelings go. When its all said and done, you did what you felt you should do. I eventually placed Mom in an AL. My house just was not conducive for someone who wandered and couldn't do stairs. She had to be confined to one area because of the steps. Plus, the daily care was getting to me. Not so much the bathing, I had someone doing that, but the toileting was the worst for me. And being woke up in the night. She did so much better in the AL. It was a big square with the hall way going around inside. U couldn't get lost because u always came back to the common area. She had people who cared for her and others she could talk to.
I can only say this to you. Your brothers are who and what they are. They have never wanted to help in caregiving and have not been a support.
That doesn't mean that they are not your Mother's sons. Re read the parables of the "prodigal son" and you will see your story is there; even the atheist, me, recognizes that. Your Mom is at the end of her life. She is trying to reach out for some resolution in her feelings for her sons, about her sons, with her son.
You have done so much more that is so much more difficult than this; so I will ask you, can you not find it in your weary heart to let her do this as well. So that when it is all over you will KNOW all you have done for her, and that there was NOTHING you did not do to help her, no matter it hurt you? I think it will ease you after she is gone if you can bring yourself to do this. And I think that if you don't you will use the fact you didn't to heap more hurt upon yourself, something you definitely do not need or deserve.
My very best out to you. I am so sorry. I know that this has to make you want just to tear your hair out of your head. But please, just try. Let it go. Whatever their reasons have been for stepping away from their mother all this time, I cannot know.
Let your Mom try for peace with her sons in these last years she can act at all, would be my advice. And again, I am sorry.
Wishing you peace in this difficult situation.
‘Mother made no plans of her own. Daughter was her only plan. It wasn’t discussed with brothers. They also went along with the ‘women’s work’ idea. So did daughter – just stepped up to the plate automatically. Now daughter isn’t happy, but no-one else is going to budge. Only alternative to 'suck it up'– forget about the ‘golden promise’, move mother into a facility and go back to being a daughter, not a maid’.
It’s really tough. The same thing happens over and over again. How can any of us change it on our own? There are probably more sons and daughters caring for aging parents now, than was ever the case earlier – in spite of the stories about the 'good old days'.
Prayers of light coming your way. I will be thinking of you.